When Less Becomes More
Page 6
BECOMING WELL
The topic of wellness seemed more prevalent than ever—in news headlines, articles all over social media, and grocery stores suddenly stocked with a variety of new healthy options—so I had no shortage of articles to read, books to pore over, and friends to talk with about how best to nourish my body. I’d neglected it for so long, sacrificing my physical health on the altar of work and motherhood. I’d skipped meals (often working right through breakfast and lunch), indulged in one too many vices (sugary snacks or a glass of wine with my husband after a jam-packed day), and neglected moving and strengthening my body (I hadn’t exercised in years—who had time for that?).
I knew that to get myself from who I was now (stressed, overwhelmed, and generally unhealthy), I would have to define who I wanted to be. So, I decided to clearly name the outcomes I desired.
I desired to feel healthy.
Chronic stress had done a number on my body. I wanted to have energy and life again. I wanted the bounce back in my step and the thirst for adventure back in my heart. I wanted to be able to run with my kids without being winded and crashing afterward and to have energy to do the work my job required. I didn’t want to have to drag myself outside for walks or force myself to stretch. I wanted my thirty-something body, the body that had carried three children (two at once even!), to feel as strong as I knew it could be.
I desired to look healthy.
I almost didn’t write this one down. It felt vain and possibly something that might be categorized as unimportant. But I didn’t like how I looked. What looks healthy is different for each of us, and I knew in my heart of hearts that I was not healthy. It was time to be honest with myself and to stake my claim on what I wanted: to look healthy and rested. I wanted clear skin; rosy cheeks; bright, refreshed eyes; and strong muscles.
I desired my attitude and spirit to exude light and love.
I wanted to be filled with laughter and lightness so I could pour the same out in return. I wanted my mental state to be flexible and optimistic. I didn’t want to live on the edge of impatience and frustration.
Tall order, I know. You may be thinking of some similar major changes you’d like to make as well—and feeling just as overwhelmed as I did. I wasn’t looking to go from drab to fab, or to fit into any pre-kiddo jeans; I wanted me back. I realized that this is where the refueling, replenishing, refreshing part of the journey really begins to unfold.
If we want to be our best in the very busy marathon of life, we have to train like athletes. So I made some decisions: I would choose going outside for a walk when collapsing on the couch sounded more fun (and more doable!). I would choose a large glass of water instead of another coffee when just a little more caffeine felt like what I needed. I would choose to push back against my habits to become the woman I wanted to be.
This thought kept running through my mind and motivated me the most:
This is who I want to be.
On the inside . . .
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On the outside . . .
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I want to exude . . .
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And here’s why . . .
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What better perspective to exemplify for my daughter and my two sons than that I was not the sum of my doubts? That I am more than my default actions? I am who God says I am. I am not a bad cook. I am not always “tired Mom.” I am not selfish for taking care of myself. I am strong. I am not forgotten. I have every right to choose to love myself.
HABITS THAT HURT
When was the last time you felt truly well? For so long, I’d lived my life with my head barely above water. To get my business off the ground, I’d sacrificed my health—literally. I’d commonly skip meals to devote endless hours to never-ending to-do lists, grabbing convenience foods to get through the day (even those packaged as “healthy” options). I would stay up late—really late—and then drag myself out of bed early to do it all over again. Coffee sustained me until dinner, and then when the computer was put away and it was time to settle in, my body craved carbs and sugar in fierce ways.
I believe my overfull plate is what led to a few of my hurtful habits. As I began to assess my daily life and looked at what I saw around me, I realized these vices and habits creep into the lives of many women in my age group and season: sugar, carbs, and wine.
I will choose.
I will choose this . . . Instead of this . . .
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Finding your way
back to you is where
the REFUELING,
REPLENISHING,
REFRESHING part of
the journey really begins
to unfold.
Just a Glass
It was a funny joke in the early days of motherhood: Is it time for wine yet? Haha. My girlfriends and I would have playdates on Fridays that always involved a glass or two of wine and not-so-healthy snacks. It was our source of relief from the stresses of new motherhood. None of us had a problem with alcohol per se (or at least not that I’m aware of). We enjoyed this time together and would laugh about mommy wine time (I’m pretty sure I even had a set of napkins that said something like “It’s Wine o’Clock Somewhere!”)
But somewhere along the way, it started to feel . . . weird. It was so much fun to curl up on the couch and watch a movie with my husband and a glass of wine or to enjoy dinner and drinks on the town with friends, but turning to alcohol to relieve the pressures of motherhood (or life) never felt quite right to me. Don’t get me wrong—I love wine. I love the culture of it, the history behind it, and the beauty of making wine. Bryan and I have even visited Sonoma, California, where some of the best wines in the world are made. But the “mom wine” joke was slowly becoming a cultural phenomenon that didn’t sit right with me. It was my friend McKay who helped put my feelings into words.
In late 2016, McKay wrote out her resolutions for the new year: get more sleep, exercise more, eat less sugar, stop drinking. What? I hung out with McKay all the time. I was shocked that she wanted to stop drinking and yet also oddly proud of her. As she told me about her goal for the next thirty days, I became more intrigued. She explained that although she didn’t feel she had a problem with alcohol and that nothing crazy had happened, she just knew that her life had a slow leak. For her, it had started after she had kids (I see this pervasive marketing to young women everywhere today, not just moms). It was a pinhole, but it was there. In the back of her mind, McKay had always wondered if maybe this cultural norm wasn’t helping her be the woman she wanted to be. So she decided to quit.
McKay was nervous at first. How would she respond when others noticed the sparkling water in her hand at a dinner and asked why she wasn’t imbibing? Would she feel comfortable joining the conversation when out with new friends with no rosé to calm her nerves? How would she unwind after a long day of work and parenting? McKay dug up strength she wasn’t sure she had for a goal that wasn’t driven by necessity but by a desire in her spirit. Forty was approaching, and she was ready to be her very best self. Deep inside, she knew alcohol wasn’t helping to get her there.
Our oldest boys are best friends, so McKay and I talk often. I’ll never forget a conversation we had where she told me about a recent beach vacation she’d taken with her husband and friends. Evenings included pre-dinner cocktails and bottles of wine passed around the table. McKay enjoyed herself and had yummy food and drinks but opted for spirit-free beverages. She told me about how she woke with the sun every day, something she’d never done before, grateful for a totally clear head to enjoy the sunrise. She’d never returned home from a vacation feeling so rested either. She didn’t set out to quit drinking forever, but now that she’s gone nearly three years without a sip, she tells me she’ll probably never go back. She feels more herself t
han ever before, not only because of the lack of alcohol in her life but also because she dug up the strength to do something hard for herself.
The cultural dialogue that moms “need” or “deserve” wine is dangerous.
Who knew such a seemingly small (yet enormous) change could catapult a woman so quickly into her best life? Less indulgence led to more energy, clarity, and life for McKay. I’m so proud of her, and her story has inspired me to take a look at my own relationship with certain behaviors. The cultural dialogue that moms “need” or “deserve” wine is dangerous. Walking through a local department store the other day with Caroline, I spotted not one, not two, but three shirts promoting the idea:
Mama Needs Wine
Mom Hard, Wine Harder
Raising Strong Girls—Send Wine, Lots of Wine
I’ve never been so grateful that Caroline doesn’t yet know how to read.
What are we teaching our daughters with these phrases? That doing hard things requires a chemical depressant? That mothering is so hard (or that life is so hard) that alcohol is necessary? And why in the world do we find this funny? Everything about this messaging feels wrong. The fact that mainstream stores carry items with this kind of suggestion seems to reveal a bigger problem than most are acknowledging. It’s not a statement or mind-set I want my children to think is normal or humorous. A glass of wine every now and then is something I enjoy. But the message that we need alcohol to thrive, in motherhood or in any role, is dangerous and damaging.
What if we focused on the things that bring more to our lives? That truly lessen our worries and fill our cups? The healthy and meaningful activities that calm our nerves, settle us down, and equip us to live our fullest lives—good, hard, and everything else? Can’t we encourage women and moms to wind down and find rest in other ways? And for some of us, is it possible we maybe have developed too casual a relationship with alcohol? I think it’s time for this conversation and for us to talk about all the many alternatives. More than anything, I think we should own the narrative—not retailers and manufacturers and whoever it is that’s saying women need wine to cope with life.
I still enjoy wine. But watching McKay’s journey has changed my relationship with it. I’m careful now to make sure I’m enjoying it for the right reasons and at the right time. If my tank is feeling empty or I’m super stressed, that is not the time to pour a glass and dodge the real issues. Because skirting reality with a temporary buzz will eventually lead me right back where I started, sometimes feeling even emptier. We’re wired to look for the paths of least resistance. But when we’re feeling tired or worn out after a long day, that’s when we should push forward down the path of most resistance by acknowledging, addressing, and dealing with how we really feel. I realize this message won’t make a cute t-shirt, but, wow, can “leaning in” change your life!
When we’re feeling tired
or worn out after a long
day, that’s when we should
push forward down the
path of most resistance
by ACKNOWLEDGING,
addressing, and DEALING
with how we really feel.
I would be remiss not to acknowledge here that consistent use of substances of any type can lead to addiction. This is why I find this “mothers need wine” message so dangerous. No. Mothers need support, friendship, rest, nourishment, and soul care. Mothers don’t need alcohol.
As McKay’s friend, I watched her awaken somehow when she started leaning in to her life and pushing out the vices. Gradually, I watched her eliminate alcohol, reduce her sugar consumption, and begin to learn about what fueled her body. She became certified to teach Yoga Sculpt to share with other women ways to fuel their bodies and lean in to hard things. I’m so proud of her. And so inspired by her commitment to living her best—with less of what drained her and more of what gave her life.
Mama needs . . .
rest, soul care,
nourishment,
truth, and
friendship.
Sugar-Sweet
Let’s talk about something a little less heavy . . . a little sweeter . . . but still a little (or a lot) damaging: sugar. And let’s be clear: sugar and me are tight. Like BFF tight.
During the course of my research after seeing the doctor and discovering some of my own very real health issues, I became interested in learning about functional medicine and gut health. I knew that the food I put in my body could either help or harm my inflammation and overall health. I like to say that I am a healthy eater about 75 percent of the time. But once my kids are in bed? The pantry and I have an interesting relationship.
I.
Want.
Sugar.
My body and brain are tired, and the cravings are real. I’ll eat junk that makes me feel great in the moment but like garbage in the morning. Two rounds of Whole30 (a popular elimination diet) helped me realize that sugar and carbs were inflaming my body and worsening the very issues my doctor and I were trying to treat. Sticking my face in a bag of snacks may have felt amazing and satiated a craving, but it wasn’t improving anything about my well-being. It was actually feeding my autoimmune conditions and further sucking fuel from my tank. More sugar was leading to less health.
Even when certain foods or behaviors aren’t helping our health, these habits are hard to break! Especially when we feel like we “deserve” a treat or two after juggling multiple responsibilities during the day. But I began to wonder, If I’m feeling like my body and mind “need” something, what might happen if I had a toolbox of remedies and healthier options on hand?
This is going to sound elementary, but I literally made a list of “supplies” for my new toolbox:
a hot bath with my favorite bath salts or a candle
sitting outside in the silence
listening to a novel audiobook while accomplishing a few chores (physical clutter = mental clutter for me)
moving my body by going for a walk or stretching a bit
enjoying a hot cup of peach tea with honey and lemon
reaching for a bowl of fresh fruit
sitting quietly with my journal and scribbling down whatever thoughts are swirling
turning up the music and dancing it out with my kids for a few songs
calling my mom or a good friend
If we listen to what our bodies are truly craving (beyond the stuff that isn’t exactly good for us), we often know what we need. And it is usually within arm’s reach: rest, connection, a good laugh, or even a listening ear.
GET MOVING
That whole “get moving” thing? Suddenly I had a new best friend named Endorphins. I had been a dancer for fifteen years while growing up. When I graduated high school, I stopped dancing and exercising altogether. I did nothing (oh, the metabolism of youth!). Fifteen-plus years later, I knew that if I wanted to feel better and feel more capable of living my fullest life, I would need to move my body to gain strength inside and out.
So I took my life savings to a local gym and hired a trainer named James (he was about to become the friend who introduced me to Endorphins). James was strong and funny and full of energy. I was tired, terrified, and totally out of my comfort zone. But for one hour three days a week, James slowly and sarcastically brought me back to life. He wasn’t one to be inspiring or transformative in his words. Instead he laughed with me, showed me the mechanics of strength training, and challenged me when I said I couldn’t, wouldn’t, and didn’t have what it took to do the next exercise.
Over time, I got stronger. I could run longer, lift more, and muster up more stamina. As time passed, this equated to me being more excited about going for walks with my kids, more capable of throwing them in the air in the pool, and more energetic when those mid-afternoon slumps hit. I was fueling my body with nourishing foods, avoiding sugar and wine as escapes (but I refuse to deprive myself entirely of my beloved Goldfish crackers!), and paying more attention to what made my body feel strong and healthy versus what ma
de it feel weak, tired, or sick (milk, for instance, never quite sat well with me, so I opted for alternatives in my coffee).
Self-Care Toolbox
What positive, healthy tools could I reach for during times of stress or when my life feels overfull to the point of exploding?
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I became more intuitive about my body and my health, and that’s where the real change took place. I was slimmer (less swollen and bloated), felt fresher and more revived (my eyes, nails, and hair appreciated more water so much!), and felt happier and peaceful more often.
Endorphins are magical things. They are chemicals released by your brain when you move your body. They create that “I can do anything!” feeling you get when you’re all sweaty as you cross the finish line. I strangely started to love getting sweaty. This was weird to me. I’m prim and proper and like to be “put together.” But I started to love getting sweaty and working with my hands and putting my body to the test. I loved the way I felt with the music turned up loud, my hair piled on top of my head, and my body being pushed.
During those workouts, when the moves got hard and the repetitions became too many, I fought like crazy to push through. I remember even getting emotional (which is kind of weird when a Macklemore song is blaring from the speakers) as I felt buried anger and doubt and frustration I’d pushed down for a long time suddenly bubble up as I pressed myself and chose the path of most resistance.
Why am I not enough?