Breaking Without You: A Fractured Connections Novel

by Carrie Ann Ryan

  I was exhausted, but I wasn’t about to go sleep in bed next to Violet without her knowing that I was really there. Nor was I going into the guest room because that just felt weird.

  I looked at the couch that I actually liked, took one of the throw blankets from the other end, and laid down, knowing that tonight might be slightly uncomfortable, but I’d be just fine.

  I didn’t want to leave her all alone. Didn’t want to leave her at all. I had to figure out what exactly that meant, though.

  * * *

  I woke up to the feeling that I was being watched. And when I opened my eyes, I smiled up at a very groggy-looking Violet.

  She narrowed her eyes and pouted just a little. “Did you tuck me in?”

  I stretched but kept my head firmly on the little throw pillow she had. “A couple times. You doing okay? What do you need?”

  “I don’t know. I just didn’t expect to actually see you here. I kind of thought that you were just like part of my imagination and I had just wished you here or something.”

  I smiled. “You wished me here? Like you wanted me here?”

  I didn’t know why I sounded so needy, other than the fact that I was indeed a little needy.

  “I don’t know. But, I’m glad you’re here. Thanks for taking care of me.” She rubbed her temples, and I sat up quickly.

  “What’s wrong? Do you need anything?”

  “I’m fine. I think. It’s just coming out of a migraine. It hits me hard. It’s sort of like waking up after a very long cold or when you sleep so hard that everything seems just…off. You know, like when you take a nap in the middle of the afternoon, and you wake up and realize that it’s like that time right before dinner, but you feel like you’ve already slept and you don’t really know if it’s light or dark outside and you’re a little off? That’s how it feels, but like a little bit harder and a little bit longer.”

  I snorted.

  “Seriously? Hard and long is going to make you think of a dick?” She paused and then laughed. “Okay, now that I’m saying it again, totally a dick.”

  I laughed, still keeping my voice pretty low. “Sorry, apparently, I resort to being a teenage boy when I first wake up.”

  She looked down at my crotch, and I snorted. Yes, I did indeed have morning wood. “Apparently, in more ways than one.”

  She rolled her eyes, but not as much as she might normally have, and I figured she was still probably right on the edge of feeling better from the migraine.

  “Want me to make you some breakfast?”

  She froze. “Really? You want to make me breakfast?”

  I shrugged and then twisted on the couch so my feet were on the floor and she was standing in between my legs. I ran my hand along her hip, and she didn’t pull back. I counted that as a win.

  “If that’s what you need. If you want something like toast, I can do that pretty easily. But I’m pretty good at breakfast. Or we can heat up some of that stroganoff that your friend made for you. Though I think you have to add the cream at the end. Which would make sense if she didn’t want to overheat that.”

  “Meadow made stroganoff? I knew she said she made something in the Crock-Pot and I could smell something delicious, but I couldn’t really put two things together and form an idea of what it could be.”

  “You always did like stroganoff.”

  “It’s like one of my favorite things ever. Maybe I’ll do that for lunch or dinner. And I need to thank Meadow for making it. And I’ll thank you, too.”

  She leaned forward and kissed me softly. I didn’t move or pull back. I just let it happen, worried that I’d scare her.

  “Thank you,” she said softly.

  “You’re welcome. I’m here for you, Violet. Always. Anything you need.”

  “I’m starting to really believe that.”

  She let out a shaky breath and then sat down on the coffee table in front of me. She rested her hands on my knees as if she needed to touch me but wasn’t exactly sure what to do. So, I put my hands on the couch, gripping the edge slightly so I didn’t move forward and scare her too much.

  “Thank you for taking care of me. Thanks for just being here. I had forgotten what it felt like to have your fingers in my hair. It always made me feel safe. So, thank you for that. And just thank you in general.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  “What are we doing?” she asked, and I blinked.

  “I thought I was going to make you breakfast.”

  “No, I meant what are we doing. Everything is so complicated, Cameron. I’m afraid that if we continue to do this, we’re just going to make it worse. Our lives are already so connected with how much time we’re all spending together these days. What if we mess it up?”

  “What if we don’t?” I hadn’t meant to ask that, but it really honestly seemed like the best thing to say.

  “I don’t know how I survived losing you the first time, and I don’t want to do it again. So, we have to take this slow, or at least as slow as we’re doing now.” She winced, and I kind of winced along with her. “Yes, we’ve already had sex, and we might have sex again.”

  “Well, I’m going to be honest and say that I hope we do.”

  “Yeah, I kind of like the sex, too.”

  “Kind of?”

  “Fine, it’s the best sex ever. But let’s get to the actual subject.”

  I tabled that, but I really liked the fact that she’d said, “best sex ever.” Not going to lie, that also made my dick hard. “Okay. So, what are we going to do?”

  “I don’t know,” she said softly.

  “I didn’t want to leave you before. But I did. And I can’t take that back. But I’m here now. And we keep finding ourselves in each other’s circles. I keep coming right back to you. And I think it’s always been you. I’d like to spend more time with you. I just want to know what happens next. And I want to know what you think. And I want to just…I just want to know I’m not making a mistake. I like being with you. And I hope you like being with me.”

  I hated talking about feelings. Hated opening myself up like that. I wasn’t really sure what else I could do right then, though. I just had to be honest. Because lying and walking away when things got tough is why everything got all messed up to begin with.

  “I guess it’s pretty complicated, but it makes sense. And I hated that you left. It hurt. But I’m not that person anymore. We’re not that young. So, if this doesn’t work out, we both have to tell each other. You can’t walk away again. And I can’t walk away just to hurt you.”

  She paused, and I just sat there, waiting to see what she would say next.

  “I’m going to have to forgive you. And I guess I have to forgive myself for thinking that was the end, too. That it was the only thing that made me who I was.”

  “You were always more than just me, Violet. I hope you know that.”

  “It took me a while to figure that out. But I did. And I guess…I guess this means we try.”

  I nodded hesitantly. “We try. And I’d like to take you out sometime. A real date. Where we get to know the Violet and Cameron we are now. And we try to figure out what the next step is. Because I wanna take that step with you, it’s just figuring out what that is that’s the hard part.”

  She laughed. “Figuring out the next step is the hardest part of every phase of life. But I guess I’m going to figure that out with you. Because I can’t stay away from you, Cameron. Even if it might not be the best thing for me.”

  I leaned forward and kissed her hard, surprising both of us. “I guess it’s my job then to make you see that it’s not a mistake.”

  And then I kissed her again, hoping that we weren’t making that mistake. Because I wanted her in my life. And that meant I had to be a better man than I was and make sure that she saw that I wasn’t the guy that would walk away again.

  And that meant I had to fix everything else in my life, as well.

  Because Violet deserved more than a man with a failing bu
siness and a family that was falling apart. And hell, so did I.

  I guess that meant that this conversation was going to be the first of many for me.

  But now, I had Violet in my arms, and that was a pretty good way to start the morning.

  Chapter Thirteen

  The outdoors are evil. Why must you love them?

  - Allison in a text to Violet

  Violet

  Going on a date was supposed to be nice. Going on a hiking date could be very cute. Going on a hiking date where I actually had to work and collect some samples wasn’t really my best idea, but between both of our jobs, Cameron and I had been a little too busy to do anything about this new relationship of ours.

  I pressed my hand to my stomach, trying to keep my breath steady.

  New relationship. I still didn’t know exactly how that had come to be. One moment, I was having a headache of a lifetime and trying not to throw up again, and the next, I was sitting in front of Cameron, and we were discussing who we were as one and the fact that we could actually try and make this work.

  I had been so hurt when he left, felt so broken, but he knew that. He knew that, and he had apologized. He’d apologized, explained, and even groveled.

  I couldn’t hate him anymore for what he had done. Because we all made mistakes, some of us more than others, but there had to be a reason for forgiveness. If not, what was the point of an apology at all?

  “Are you regretting asking me to come?” Cameron asked as we walked to the back of the SUV where all of my equipment was.

  “What?”

  He leaned forward, cupped my face with his hand, and ran his thumb along my jaw. I loved it when he touched me. And he was doing it more often lately. In the past week since we both decided to try this whole romance thing, and even though we hadn’t seen each other much, he kept touching me. It was as if some new switch had been flipped in both of us and we were just trying to figure out who we were. But he wasn’t holding anything back. At least it didn’t feel like it. He had even kissed me right in front of his brothers when I stopped by the bar after work a couple of days ago. I’d only been able to stay for ten minutes, but he had still kissed me. Much to the pleasure of his brothers, who had hooted and hollered.

  “I asked you if it’s really okay that I’m here. I was a little worried that you were going to regret that I came along.”

  I blinked, trying to focus on the here and now rather than the eight hundred thoughts twirling in my head. Sometimes, it felt like more than that, and sometimes, all I could do was look at Cameron and just think of one thing.

  Him.

  Yes, I was officially losing it.

  “I’m sorry, just thinking. But I am glad you’re here. Even though this is a very weird date.”

  His eyes narrowed even though I could see the laughter in them. “Are you saying that I’m the weird date? I mean, you are the one dating me. So, I guess that makes you weird, too.”

  “Oh, shush. And yes, you are weird. Very, very weird. But I like you anyway. Despite all of that.”

  With one hand still on my face, he wrapped the other arm around my body and patted me on the ass. “Okay, I’ll be your weird date. But only because you’re weird, too.”

  “Yes, because that makes total sense.”

  “I try. Now, I’m here, and I’m the one with the big muscles.” He paused, using his hand that had been on my face to flex his muscles for me. That meant he still had his other hand on my ass, but I didn’t think he minded. I didn’t. Remember that part where I was losing my mind? Still doing it.

  “Yes, you are all muscly and pretty. But I am still very muscly myself.” I flexed both of my arms and waggled my brows

  “I know. I’ve seen you naked.

  “Okay, we’re going way off track here.” I rubbed my temples, trying to force my mind to focus on what I actually had to do today. Technically, I was working, but it was for the project that I’d already been paid for, and it was side-work. I had already collected most of my samples, but I wanted to gather one more. I didn’t really need Cameron here to lift anything since I could do it on my own just fine, but it was nice not to be alone. Plus, the whole idea of being alone in the woods after listening to way too many true crime podcasts where a woman alone in the woods ended up murdered didn’t seem like a great idea.

  “You don’t have to lift anything. I can handle it.”

  “I know you can handle it, but I’m here. That means you don’t have to handle everything on your own.”

  For some reason, I had a feeling that those words had more to do with everything about the two of us and not just what I needed to get out of the back of the SUV. But I wasn’t going to touch that, not then.

  “Okay, then you take the really heavy bag with all my equipment in it. But that stuff is more expensive than anything you own most likely, so if you break it, you buy it. And since I don’t think you can actually buy it, I’ll have to take your soul.” I lowered my voice. “And it’s been a while since I’ve had a soul.”

  Cameron started laughing just like I wanted him to, and I grinned. I wasn’t usually this dorky, this weird. But Cameron seemed to bring it out of me. It was like I could just be myself in strange ways like I had been before everything changed.

  Yes, I was still worried about work and the fact that Lynn hadn’t even wanted to be on this trip with me today. I was still worried about how my sister and Harmony were doing because none of us were truly finding ways to heal. And I was still worried about Allison. No, worried wasn’t a good word for that. I was just broken over it.

  But I was going to figure it all out.

  “Tell me where you want me,” Cameron said, and I smiled.

  “You have to stop saying things like that, or I’m going to get all nervous and say something stupid. Or more stupid. Or is it stupider? You know, for someone who has a Ph.D., I really suck at grammar sometimes.”

  Cameron shrugged and picked up the bag that I knew was heavy, but with those muscles of his, he could handle it. “I think the English language just makes it hard for anyone to actually know. The I before E, except after C thing. Totally a crock. Because there’s a whole list of words that make that a lie.”

  “You know, it’s kind of sexy when you talk about grammar and the ways that it sucks.”

  “Don’t get me started on those letters that don’t actually say anything. I mean, this is how you spell it, but the P is silent? Never made any sense to me.”

  “Well, I’m sure we could rant about it on social media, but that’s probably already been done. Like a thousand times.”

  “True.” He paused, then took a deep breath. I looked at him, wondering how this had happened. How the two of us had actually come to be here after everything changed. But then again, time passed, and people changed. And that meant that who we were to each other was changing, as well. Hopefully, it would be for the better. “It’s gorgeous out here,” he said, his voice sounding a bit odd.

  “And it’s my job to try and protect it.”

  “I know, it can’t be easy. Humans are kind of the worst thing that’s ever happened to Earth.”

  “Don’t even get me started. I literally wrote my dissertation on that.”

  “But you’ll find a way. All of you. Because that’s what you do. You find a way to protect all of us. But, damn, I’ve missed this place. Yes, California was gorgeous, and I loved the ocean, but apparently, I’m a mountain man. Because look at this.”

  He moved his free hand around to gesture at the big mountains and plains all around us. “This is stunning. And, somehow, this is real. I mean, you look at pictures of it, and it looks beautiful, but then you sit here, and it doesn’t even look real. It looks more real in photos than it does when you’re actually focusing on it in real life. Like I could put my hand on that tree right now, and it wouldn’t feel like it was truly here.” He paused. “Okay, now it sounds like I’m eating some of those mushrooms that are probably around this forest.”

&nbs
p; I laughed, shaking my head as the two of us went down the trail. “No, it sounds like you’re in awe of this place. I am, too. That’s why I’m here to save it. Or at least try. I’m focusing more on the streams and tributaries right now than the rest of it. The others on my team are focusing on the other types of eco-life. But my grant was for water, so I’m going to take a few samples, and then we should be done. It shouldn’t take too long.”

  “Just tell me what to do so I don’t fuck up your science.” He brushed his free hand down my arm, and I looked up at him, smiling. “I love when you get all science-y. You’re brilliant, Violet. Just hope I remember to say that more often.”

  I blushed, ducking my head. “You’re not so bad yourself.”

  I knew I was smart. I always had been, and I was never really ashamed of it. But it was still a little hard to call myself that. And it was really hard to sit there and not act like a schoolgirl and giggle when Cameron said it to me as plainly as he had. It was just one of those things. Maybe it was part of my self-consciousness, but I would find a way to deal with it. I always did.

  We walked down the trail, talking about things that didn’t matter, and some things that did. The sun was shining, and there was a slight breeze. It was always a little colder when you got closer to the mountains so, thankfully, we were both wearing light jackets. It didn’t take long to collect the samples, and I knew I could have done this on my own, but it was kind of nice spending the day with Cameron.