"It sounds like you're trapped in a cage," Jade muttered.
"Oh, our house isn't that small. We have a good size living room with a fireplace and large panel windows that face the west so there's lots of afternoon sunshine. Mother hung thick drapes to block it out when she wants to. The kitchen is big. My mother likes to cook and bake. I wouldn't call her a gourmet cook like you have, Jade, but she's good at making traditional meals and pies. That was one thing my father always complimented, her food. He was a meat and potatoes man."
"So he married her for her cooking and money, is that it?" Jade asked dryly.
"Didn't they fall in love first?" Misty followed quickly.
"I never actually came out and asked either of them when or how they fell in love. I guess I never felt they had and the little I did learn about their past convinced me I was right. They didn't date and have a romance like your parents or Jade's. My mother's father actually met my father first. He started to invest with him He either mentioned my mother or introduced him to her one day and that was how they got to know each other.
"My mother didn't have a job and never went to college. When I asked her why not once, she told me there wasn't anything she wanted to be. She was an okay student, but not very ambitious, I guess I think it upset my grandfather. From the little my mother has told me, I don't think they had a good relationship because he was so critical of her, telling her she would be a spinster and amount to nothing if she remained at home, just helping her mother with the housework and the meals.
"Sometimes;-I got the feeling she got married to stop my grandfather's criticism. It wasn't exactly an arranged marriage, but my grandfather seems to have had a lot to do with it. She keeps her wedding album practically hidden away on a shelf in the living room. I used to look at it occasionally. She doesn't look bright and happy in her wedding pictures; it's more like she's going through the motions, doing something that has to be done, but something without passion and excitement. It doesn't look like a special day for her.
"It would have to be something very special for me," I said. "I mean, you should just glow in your wedding pictures, don't you think? The photographer shouldn't even need flashbulbs because your face is so lit up, right? I'd love to be fulfilled and loved by someone who made me so happy I glowed."
Misty laughed. Jade smiled and shook her head, and Star raised her eyebrows and nodded.
"No," I continued considering their questions more, "I don't think my parents ever felt that way about each other or had time for love, not the way you talked about your own parents and their romances," I told them. "When I asked my mother where they went on their honeymoon, she told me they just went straight home.
"'There was plenty to do to set it up,' she said, 'and there was no point in wasting money on some overpriced vacation where they charge you twice the price for everything you can get at home.' "
"If she thinks like that, she'll never go anywhere," Jade said.
"She doesn't. Don't you remember what Cat told us about taking trips?" Star pointed out.
"Have you lived in the same house all your life?" Misty asked.
"Yes. My mother is not one who likes change, even small changes like wallpaper or rugs, much less a move to another house. Lots of times now, I wish we would move. The house seems stained with bad memories for me, and as long as we're there, I can't help but imagine my father is still there."
"Did you ever ask her why they adopted you?" Jade asked. "I know you told us that you didn't think they had sex much, if at all after your mother lost the baby, but it still doesn't explain why they would adopt you, or anyone for that matter."
"No. Like I told you, my adoption was something I discovered just recently, after . . . after other stuff happened. It's hard for my mother to talk about it right now."
"Hard for her to talk about it?" Jade cried with indignation. "They always act like they're the ones who are suffering, like we can endure the pain because we're young. Nothing scars us; nothing really hurts us. We'll outgrow it, even betrayals and broken promises. Hard for her? Your mother hasn't got a right to be more upset than you. Don't let her get away with it," she advised. "Ask her anything you want and insist on an answer. You deserve it."
"Yeah, if she refuses to tell you what you want, threaten to wear lipstick and eye shadow," Star suggested.
Misty laughed and I smiled, and we were all laughing when Doctor Marlowe returned. She looked very pleased.
"Well, I hope you all are hungry. As usual, Emma has gone overboard with lunch."
They all looked at me to see what I wanted and what I would say.
"I guess I am hungry," I said.
Anyway, I thought, I'll need my strength if I'm to go on with my story.
Lunch was truly a break for us I think they needed it as much as I did. We talked about
everything but our home life and our parents and the things that had brought us here in the first place. However, I wasn't anywhere as up-to-date as any of them when it came to movies and music.
"I don't know how you listen to that hip-hop," Jade told Star. "It's so monotonous."
"It is not. You haven't given it a chance. That's why you say that. Who do you like?"
"I like Barry Manilow," Misty admitted. "I do," she insisted, "and I've even been to three of his concerts."
"What about you, Cat?" Jade asked me.
"I guess I like everything or whatever I get to hear, that is. My mother hates me listening to any music too long. She thinks it hurts my schoolwork."
"Get earphones and she won't even know when you're listening," Star suggested.
Doctor Marlowe sat off to the right eating and listening to us without comment. I wondered if the others ever got the feeling we were all under some giant microscope, all being observed and studied. Maybe someday we would get together somewhere else, without therapists or parents, and be free to talk about all this, free to talk without anyone looking at us and studying us.
Or maybe when today ended, we wouldn't see each other ever again. Maybe just the sight of one of us would bring back all the bad memories and they would look for ways to avoid the rest of us, especially me, I thought, especially after I'm finished with my whole story.
I almost didn't feel like going on when lunch was over and we returned to the office. Why not leave it at this? I wondered. I had already gone further than I had expected. Wasn't Doctor Marlowe satisfied?
One look at her face told me no, told me she wanted me to tell them the worst, if not today, than maybe tomorrow, and if I didn't, it would fester and irritate inside me, just as I had told them it would.
They waited for me to begin again. I sucked in my breath and started.
"When I was in the tenth grade, my school sent a letter home with every high school student announcing that the school was sponsoring an annual dance with an all-boys parochial school. The dance was described in detail, when it would start, what food would be served, what we were permitted to wear and not wear, and how well it was going to be chaperoned by the sisters. There was some statement about the importance of healthy, clean social activities and how the dance was an important learning experience for young people. This way we would have something decent to measure the wrong sort of activities against. Parents were actually encouraged to permit their daughters to attend.
"My mother wasn't happy about it, but she was trapped by the fact that the school she admired was promoting it. I recall my father finally offering a firm opinion about something involving me.
"'The way this is described,' he pointed out after dinner one night, 'it will actually be another learning experience. I should think you'd want her to be in a controlled, healthy environment for something like this, Geraldine.'
"My mother pressed her upper lip over her lower and stared at the schooldance announcement as if it were a warrant for my arrest rather than a social affair.
"'She'll need a new dress,' she said in a discouraging tone of voice.
"'So? Get her a new
dress,' my father said.
"I sat there practically holding my breath. He winked at me and I felt wonderful. My heart was in a pitter- patter just anticipating the preparations.
"'The styles these days are so . . . awful. It's hard to get anything decent,' my mother complained.
"'I'm sure you can find something, somewhere, Geraldine,' he told her, refusing to give in like he usually did. He could see how important this was to me and he was playing my knight in shining armor.
"My mother looked at the announcement again and then at me. I could see she was relenting.
"'I suppose you'll want to wear lipstick, won't you?' she asked me.
"'All the girls her age do,' my father said quickly. 'On occasion, there's nothing wrong with it, Geraldine. As long as she doesn't overdo it,' he added.
"I couldn't believe how firmly he was coming to my aid, speaking up for me.
"'Girls get into trouble so easily these days,' my mother muttered. 'One small thing leads to another Rod then a bigger thing and before you know it, they're pregnant.'
"'Oh, I suppose you and I can make sure that something like that doesn't happen to our special little girl,' he said glancing and smiling at me again. When he said, 'special little girl,' my heart skipped a beat and I think I even blushed.
"My mother's eyebrows rose but fortunately, she was staring at him and not me.
"'Is that so, Howard?' she said. 'You mean you're finally going to take some real responsibility for her?'
"'I know I've been busy and left a good deal of this to you, Geraldine. I've been remiss on that score, but I'll do my part now that Cathy is getting of age.'
"'Of age for what?' my mother pounced.
" `Oh, meeting people, getting out more, learning the ways of the world,' he said calmly.
"'She's better off not knowing the ways of this world,' my mother insisted.
"They talked about it a little more. My father volunteered to drive me to the school and pick me up after the dance. Finally, she reluctantly agreed even though she thought I was still too young for such a thing"
"And did she agree to permit you to wear lipstick?" Jade asked with a coy smile.
"A little," I said. "Although, she kept the tube in her room after we bought it."
"Where? In the safe?" Jade asked.
"Practically," I said, smiling. "The hardest thing was finding a dress she liked. We went to so many department stores, but nothing was right. Finally, she found this small store out in the valley. I think it was more like a costume shop. The hem was low enough to satisfy her. It reached a little below my ankles, and the collar went halfway up my neck. It looked like something from the 1800's. It was too big, too, but she thought that was fine. She found shoes that matched and I had what she considered my new party outfit.
"But when I looked at myself in it, I nearly burst into tears. I was sure I would be ridiculed. It had puffy sleeves, lots of lace, and big black buttons on this emerald green heavy cotton material. She had me put it on and model it for my father, who sat there with his eyebrows hoisted.
"'Looks like she's in a play or something,' he said. 'It's practically a costume. Is that the sort of party dress a girl would wear today?'
"'It's perfect,' my mother insisted.
"'I feel stupid in it,' I declared, encouraged by my father's reaction. 'When I walk, I can hear the material swishing around me. It's too loose and I'll choke to death in this collar if I try to eat anything,' I wailed.
"'It's perfect,' my mother repeated. 'Proper and perfect.'
"'No boy is going to want to dance with me wearing this,' I complained
"'Is that what you're worried about? How many boys will dance with you?' my mother asked.
"'No, not how many,' I moaned. 'Any.'
"I was nearly in tears about it. I wanted to go to the dance very much. I saw it as my chance to make new friends and maybe to have a social life, too, but I was terrified that wearing that dress would make me look like a buffoon.
"'Why can't I get something more in style?' I cried.
"'The styles today are downright pornographic,' my mother said. 'You saw that from the little we viewed in the department stores. And besides, you read the dance announcement and rules. Most of the things on sale in the stores wouldn't be permitted anyway. Be happy you have something decent,' she insisted and left it at that.
"I went upstairs to sulk about it, and later, my father came to my room. He asked me to put on the dress again and I did. Then he stood back, studied it for a moment and stepped forward to unbutton the collar almost down to my cleavage.
"'That looks better,' he said, 'but don't do it until after you get to the school. You're becoming a very pretty young lady, Cathy, do you know that?' he asked and I felt myself blush all over.
"'No, I'm not,' I said. 'I'm too big and I don't have any nice features.'
"'Sure you do,' he said. 'I'm just sorry I haven't had more talks with you about what you should expect now that you are mixing with boys. I'm glad the dance is still a week away. There's a lot I want to tell you, show you, explain to you. Most parents throw their children out to the wolves, especially their daughters, and then wonder why they get themselves into trouble. Your mother thinks the answer is to keep you here under lock and key, but I know the answer is to make you smart and aware so nothing comes as a surprise.
"'Doesn't that make more sense to you?' he asked me and I nodded because it did sound right.
"'Tomorrow is a holiday and the market's closed, too. I'll spend some time with you in the afternoon when your mother goes food shopping, okay? I'll help you prepare for the birds and the bees.'
"I had no idea what he meant, but I nodded. He stood there staring at me for a long moment and then he smiled, came forward and kissed me on the cheek.
"'Don't you smell good,' he said. 'What is that, the bath oil I bought you?'
"'Yes,' I said. He put his nose against me and inhaled so hard, I thought I might be drawn up his nostrils. Then he planted another small kiss on my neck, patted me on the hip, and left the room.
"You probably wonder why I remember so many details. That was because my father was so confusing to me. Sometimes he acted as if I was invisible and sometimes, he would stop and stare at me so hard, I couldn't help my heart from thumping. This was one of those times."
I paused and gazed down at the floor for a moment. I could feel their eyes on me and then I caught them looking nervously at each other. Doctor Marlowe had templed her fingers beneath her chin and rested her elbows on her knees as she waited, too. Lunch tumbled in my stomach, but I swallowed back any gagging.
For me it was like making a big, wide turn in my story. The worst was yet to come and I knew it, and from the sound of their silence, I knew the girls were aware of it, too. They looked worried for me. They looked like they really cared.
"The next day I hadn't forgotten what my father had said, but I was very occupied with my schoolwork and thinking about the dance. At school all the girls were talking about it. Most of them had been to dances like this before and many knew a number of the boys who would be attending.
"I sat to the side in the cafeteria and listened to the older girls talk about it, trying to learn as much as I could so I wouldn't appear like such a fish out of water when I attended. When I heard some of the girls describe what they were going to wear, my heart sank. Most were going to dress in clothes my mother had vetoed. Everyone but me would be in style.
"I had already been plagued by nightmares in which I arrived at the dance and the whole party stopped as one girl and boy after another looked my way. Even the sisters looked amused at what I wore. Then, they all broke out into hysterical laughter and I ran out of the building into the night, tears streaming down my reddened cheeks.
"I was coming to the conclusion that I shouldn't go to the dance, that it would be worse for me afterward. All my chances to have any sort of normal social life, to make friends, to be invited to anything else, would be washed away th
e moment I entered that decorated gymnasium, I thought. I decided I just wouldn't go. I was sure my mother would be happy about that decision."
"Damn," Star muttered.
"But," I said, "I didn't have to make that decision." The girls all widened their eyes and waited.
"After my mother had left the house, my father came to my room. He knocked and entered and under his arm was a big box.
"'What's that?' I immediately asked.
"'Part of our special secret,' he told me. 'You better not tell her about this, or I'll be drawn and quartered at sundown the day after your dance,' he warned and put the box on my bed. He stepped back.
"I just stared down at it.
"'Well, open it and look!' he cried and laughed.
"I approached it slowly and took off the cover. There in the box was a new dress, a real dress, green velvet with a knee-length skirt and spaghetti straps and some beads on the right side. It was the most beautiful dress I had ever seen. He even bought me shoes to match it!
"'How can I wear this, Daddy?' I asked, astounded. 'Mother won't let me.'
"'She won't know. You'll put on the dress she made you buy and after we leave the house, we'll pull over and you'll put on this dress,' he said nodding at the box. 'You won't have a mirror to check yourself out, but I'll be your mirror,' he offered. 'Put it on. Let's see how right I was about your size and such,' he added.
"He stood there with his long arms folded under his chest and waited. My heart was pounding. Changing in front of him was truly doing something forbidden, but I was too excited about my beautiful new dress to care.
"I quickly unbuttoned and removed my blouse, took off my skirt and slipped into the dress. He came behind to zip me up and then he turned me toward the mirror.
"'Like Cinderella,' he said. 'Look how beautiful you are now.'
"I was actually frightened by my own appearance. The dress fit a bit snugly, especially the bodice, and there was just the suggestion of the beginning of my cleavage. Would the nuns turn me away? Wasn't Daddy afraid of that?
Cat Page 8