"'Perfect,' he said instead. 'That's a dress.'
"'What if Mother hears about this?' I asked him
"'It's a green dress, too. Besides, she won't hear about it. Where does she go to be able to hear such things? Well?'
"'Oh Daddy!' I cried. Tears were filling my eyes. 'Thank you.'
"I gave him a hug and he kissed the top of my head and held on to me for a long moment.
"Then he held me out, at arm's length, looked me over, nodded and smiled.
"'Now,' he said, 'it's time for your lessons.'
7
"K eep the dress on, he ordered. 'Everything should be as close as possible to how it is going to be at the dance.' He thought for a moment. 'We need some music, too. Yes, that's it. We'll turn your room into the school ballroom.'
"He snapped on my radio and found a station. "'How's that?' he asked about the music.
"I shrugged.
"'I guess it's okay,' I said. I hadn't been to a school dance before, so I had no idea what sort of music would be played, especially at a parochial school dance."
"No hip-hop, I bet," Star said.
"No," I said. "They censor the words in the songs. They wouldn't even play Madonna."
"Some dance," Star muttered.
"'Okay,' Daddy said. 'Let's start at the beginning. You come to the dance and like all the girls, you gather together, talk about everyone's clothes and hairdos. Now,' he added with a wink, 'they'll surely be talking about you. And in a nice way, an enviable way,' he quickly added.
"'As soon as the boys see you, especially how you look now, you'll be approached by one or more and asked to dance. Be polite. Don't turn anyone down outright unless he's particularly disgusting,' he said and I smiled.
"Who else but my father would think me pretty? I wondered, even in this great dress.
"My father looked like he read my thoughts.
"'I don't want you underestimating yourself, Cathy. Don't seem surprised and so grateful when a boy asks you to dance. In fact, hesitate for a moment as if you're deciding whether or not he's worthy of you.'
"'Oh Daddy,' I said. 'I don't think I can do that.'
"After all, I thought, I had never yet been asked to dance by any boy ever. Even if the first looked like Frankenstein, I'd surely say yes quickly.
"'I want you to make them wonder,' "he said thinly. 'It's important that you establish self-respect in their eyes immediately. Okay,' he continued, 'I'm the one asking you to dance. Look like you're thinking about it. May I have this dance, Cathy?' he pretended. `Go on. Do what I said. Just a quick glance around as if you're checking to be sure no one else is waiting in the wings. Go on. Do it,' he told me and I pretended too, feeling foolish, but doing what he wanted anyway. 'Good,' he said. 'Now a small smile, a nod and step forward.'
"I did as he told me and he held out his arms. He listened to the music for a moment.
"'This is one of those dances we can actually dance together,' he said with a laugh. 'I'm sure the nuns won't permit anyone to dance any closer than this,' he said putting his hand on my waist and holding my other hand up. We moved around my room. 'That's good,' he said. 'Fine. However, you should expect some boys might still try to take advantage when the nuns aren't watching so carefully. They'll move you a bit closer like this and their hands may move off your hip like this and slide over your rear end. See,' he said.
"'What do I do?' I asked quickly.
"'Step back and then say, "Watch your hands if you want to dance with me." Make sure you say it like you mean it, okay?'
"I nodded. I was very nervous now and worried. Was this all going to happen? How did Daddy know so much? I wondered as well.
" `Do it,' he said.
"I stepped back. 'Watch your hands if you want to dance with me,' I repeated. He shook his head.
"'Firmer. Mean it,' he told me and I did it again, trying to sound serious.
"'Okay. That's better,' he said. 'Good,' he continued. "'What if the boy doesn't want to dance with me anymore?'
"'Good. You've eliminated an idiot.
'Now, however, if you get to like one particular boy and he seems to like you, too, he might ask you to sneak out of the dance with him What are you going to say?'
"'I don't know,' I said, unable to even imagine such a scenario. 'No, I guess.'
"'That's what you should say.' He held his gaze on me and a small smile formed in the corners of his lips. 'But you might be tempted. He might be a very good looking boy or popular,' he warned, lifting his voice.
"'I won't do it,' I promised.
"'Nevertheless, whether it happens at this dance or the next, it will happen someday, Cathy. It's natural no matter what you promise now. You're prettier than you think and boys will be boys. You're going to want to go and I'm not saying you never should. I just want you to be prepared when you do eventually give in to your inner voice,' he said.
"'Inner voice?'
"'Every man and every woman has one. It's usually silent, but at the right moment, at the right occasion, it speaks up. It demands to be heard and you can't stop it. In fact, you might not want to,' he said. 'There are things that are going to occur which will make the voice louder, stronger inside you until finally, it's the only voice you hear. You will no longer hear your mother's voice or even mine.
"'You've got to be prepared for that,' he told me. 'If not, then what your mother said the other day at dinner will happen. You'll get yourself into trouble. You don't want that, do you?'
"'No, Daddy,' I said.
"I remember it was as if a frightened little bird had somehow gotten caught in my chest. It fluttered about, its wings grazing my heart, my lungs and my ribs. I felt weak. My legs were trembling. Daddy looked so serious, so worried. How dangerous was all this?
"'Good,' he said. 'Then we'll do something to prevent it, but like everything else, Cathy, we better keep this as our special secret. Your mother just won't understand. She has different ideas about these things, unrealistic ideas, I'm afraid. I'm not trying to get you not to love her, but you know what I mean, don't you?'
"'Yes, Daddy,' I said.
"He smiled and then he stepped up to me again and turned me around to look into the mirror.
"'You are not a little girl anymore,' he said. 'You are a real young lady. Your body is armed, loaded, ready to explode, take off, soar. I'm sure you have already felt some of this. I'm sure,' he added with a tiny smile, 'you have already heard the inner voice, especially in dreams. Am I right? Don't be ashamed or afraid to tell me,' he pursued.
"'Yes,' I said in a whisper. I wasn't really sure what he meant, but I thought that was the answer he expected and needed. He smiled and brought his face closer to mine.
"'It's all right. Don't be afraid,' he said. His face looked almost as flushed as mine felt.
"'All right, lees go to lesson number two,' he decided, stepping away. 'Pretend I'm the boy you like, the one you have been hoping would pay attention to you. Now he has and like I said, he tells you to meet him in the hall.
"'Pretend to go to the girls' room,' he said in a different voice. He even stood differently and smiled differently. 'They won't know the difference, Cathy. C'mon. You go first and I'll follow. Then, instead of going to the girls' room, meet me just outside the school door. We'll go to my car for a little while. No one will even miss us,' he added.
"It was funny playing this game with him, and yet it was also exciting for me, just like I was in a soap opera or something.
"He stepped closer to me, looked to the side as if checking to see if we were being watched, and then slipped his hand into mine and gently played with my fingers for a moment.
"'C'mon,' he said. 'I want to be alone with you for a while. Everyone's watching us here. We can't really talk and there are so many things I want to tell you, Cathy. Please. Just for a little while, okay?'
"I could hardly speak. I was afraid to say no, and Daddy was right: there was another voice inside me, tiny but there, a voice encouraging me to
go, suggesting that it might be a lot more fun.
"'Don't disappoint me, Cathy. Please,' he pleaded. "'What should I do?' I cried in desperation.
"Daddy stared at me so seriously.
"'Either go or say no,' he said back in his daddy voice. 'What will it be? You want to go, don't you? Don't you?' he pursued.
"'A little, I guess,' I admitted.
"'Okay,' he said. 'That's all right. You're being honest. I'd rather that than you pretend otherwise. We'll just have to move faster to the next lesson,' he said and turned for a moment as if he was thinking and planning.
"'Where can we go? Where can we go to practice and learn?' he asked himself aloud. Then his face brightened and he turned back to me.
" 'I know.'
"He reached out and took my hand and we left my room. I thought we were going to go downstairs, but he turned and headed toward his and my mother's room.
"I didn't go into my mother and father's room very often. She kept that door closed all the time, too. I really didn't have much reason to go in there. She did all the cleaning in there. I could help only with the downstairs, the living room, den, dining room and kitchen, as well as my own room and the bathrooms, of course.
"I couldn't remember a time when I was in their bedroom just with Daddy. It felt so strange, almost as if I had gone to an unfamiliar place.
"'Let's see,' he said standing inside the doorway and looking over the room. 'Yes, that's it. My bed will be the car.'
"He changed his posture and his whole demeanor again and then turned back to me with that eerie smile.
"'Cathy,' he said. 'I knew you would do it. I knew you would come. I knew you liked me just as much as I like you. Maybe it's even more than that. Like is for kids and we're not kids anymore.
"'It was so crowded and noisy in there anyway, wasn't it? This is better. C'mon. No one will see us in my car,' he added and pulled me toward his bed.
"He pretended to open a car door and slide in.
" `Backseat has more room,' he told me as he sat on his bed. 'C'mon, get in.' He beckoned and reached for me and I sat on his bed, too.
"'Close the door, silly,' he said.
" 'What?'
"'The car door, Cathy. Close it.'
"'Oh,' I said and even though I felt a little foolish doing it, I pretended to reach out and pull the door closed.
"'Would you like a cigarette?' he asked me.
"'A cigarette? No, I don't smoke,' I said. "He smiled.
"'That's good,' he said. 'We wouldn't want anything bad to happen to those beautiful lungs of yours, would we? Relax,' he said putting his arm around me and pulling me a little closer to him. 'We don't have those frustrated penguins staring at us now, making us feel like we're doing something dirty.'
"It was so strange to hear Daddy talk like this, but when I looked at him, his face was so different: the way his lips turned up in a strange smile, the glint in his eyes, everything made him look like someone else. Someone scary.
"'You're very pretty,' he told me. 'You've been keeping it a good secret, but I always thought there was a pretty girl hiding in there,' he said. 'The other girls are so stuck-up and stupid, but you're not. You're a real girl, Cathy, the kind of girl I could like a lot. I mean that. I really do.'
"I admit I loved hearing Daddy say these things. They were words I had dreamed being said to me many times. It was as if Daddy had gotten into my head and listened some nights and overheard that inner voice he spoke of before, the voice that told me I'd do anything just to be loved.
"Suddenly, he kissed me on the neck. It was such an unexpected kiss; I felt weak and anxious at the same time.
"'You're delicious,' he continued, nibbling on my ear. 'Just as delicious as I had imagined '
"While he did this, I didn't realize his hand had slipped off my shoulder. Suddenly, I felt the zipper moving down as he kissed me on the neck and then the side of my face, moving over my cheeks. I think I actually got numb all over.
"He got the zipper almost all the way to my waist and then began to slip the straps off my shoulders, nudging my dress along with them. Everything he did surprised me and the shock of it all paralyzed me.
'You like me too,' he said. 'Tell me you like me too. C'mon say it. Say it, Cathy,' he chanted.
"I did. I couldn't help doing everything or anything he asked. Was this what really would happen? I wondered.
"He didn't take my new dress all the way down to my waist. As soon as he had it away from my breasts, he turned me to him and kissed me full on the lips. My eyes popped open. His fingers had
unfastened my bra and seconds later, he leaned on me until I fell back on the bed. I could barely breathe. I wanted him to stop--it was so embarrassing.
"I think I made some sort of noise of protest and suddenly, he pulled back, sat up and stared down at me. His face and his neck were all red. He looked like he was having difficulty catching his breath.
"'Okay,' he finally said, back to his daddy voice. 'Let's stop and review everything. What just happened to you?'
"'I don't know,' I cried. 'It happened so fast!'
"'Exactly. That's how boys work. They don't ask permission for each and every touch and kiss. One thing follows another until here you are half naked and onto the next step,' he said.
"'There's more?'
"'Yes, much more,' he rattled. He ran his hands through his hair and looked at my mother's bed for a moment. 'Okay,' he said without turning back to me. 'Dress yourself quickly and we'll go over this. The whole point is for you to learn and be prepared.'
"I did what he said and waited. After another long moment, during which his face returned to a more natural shade, he turned back to me.
"'What mistakes did you make?' he asked.
"'I don't know,' I said.
"'You don't know? How can you not know?'
"'It all happened so fast, Daddy, and I didn't know what you wanted me to do,' I moaned at his angry expression.
"'All right, all right,' he said calmly. 'First, you got into the car too eagerly. Any boy who saw that would expect you would be cooperative; otherwise, why get into the car?'
"'To talk, I thought.'
"'Boys don't really want to talk. Maybe a little afterward, but not at this point. Talk is just a kind of bait to get you to come out to the car. You can come out and you can get into the car, but you should set the rules quickly. As soon as you got into the car and I kissed you, you should make it clear you'll go no farther,' he explained. 'You didn't even put your hand on mine to get me to hesitate or stop. Any boy who saw you behave that way would think he could go faster and farther.
"'Now,' he continued, 'you have to decide how far you can go without losing control, understand?'
"I nodded.
"'Good,' he said standing. 'Good.' He glanced quickly at the clock. 'That's all we have time for today. Your mother should be coming home any moment. You better take off the dress and put it back into the box. I'll keep it in the trunk of my car,' he told me.
"We both knew my mother might find it no matter where I tried to hide it.
"I returned to my room and did what he asked Then he took the box and went out to his car. It was hidden away before my mother returned.
"I felt terribly confused and upset and guilty about everything that had happened, but I knew if she found out what my father was doing for me. . . and to me, there would be hell to pay in my family. Some lies, as you said before, Misty, are necessary," I added and sat back.
Once again, they were all just staring at me. Jade was the first to fill the silence.
"You didn't know you were an adopted child then, so you still thought he was your real father, right?" she asked.
"Yes, that's right."
"Well, didn't you think it was . ."
"Disgusting?" Star offered.
"Yeah, disgusting," Jade seconded.
"No, not right away," I said. "I didn't know what to think. When he was touching me it made me scared and upset. Bu
t I thought he was very nice to want to help me, to care about things like my dress and do what other girls' mothers might do for them. And, the things he was telling me about boys was very helpful. My mother would never talk about these sort of feelings. I told you how she reacted to the Barbie doll. It made her sick to even have sex suggested to her.
"Afterward, I told myself that Daddy didn't want anything terrible to happen to me and yet he still wanted me to be a normal girl and have fun like other girls my age, something my mother didn't seem to want.
"No, I didn't hate him then. Not then," I practically whispered as my eyes filled with tears.
"Okay, Cathy," Doctor Marlowe said softly. "It's okay. You and I knew this might be their reaction in the beginning, right? Cathy?"
I turned to her and glared. For a moment I was very angry at her for bringing me here and getting me to tell all these things. Slowly, I felt my blood cool down.
"Cathy?" she said.
"I'm okay," I snapped back at her. I stared down at the floor. "I just thought he didn't want me to become a bad girl," I muttered.
"Why wouldn't she think that?" Misty piped up. "He was always very nice to her and he tried to buy her nice things. He seemed to care more about her than her mother does."
"I'm sorry," Jade said. "I didn't mean to make you feel bad or guilty or anything. I'm sorry?'
"Me too," Star said. "It isn't your fault you're here. That's for sure."
I was quiet, thinking
"Yes, it is," I said. "It's my fault; it's my mother's fault and it's my father's fault."
I looked up at them.
"I wanted to be loved, to be wanted. There were other voices inside me, screaming at me, but I kept them smothered. I thought maybe Daddy would make me a special girl. Maybe I'd become as sophisticated as some of the snobs at my school. Maybe the boys would really like me and maybe I could be the most popular girl there. I'd surprise them all, I thought. With Daddy's help, I'd surprise everyone, even myself.
'Why can't I be beautiful? I'm tired of being a freak and feeling odd and different and hiding myself. I'm tired of being ashamed of who I am and what I look like. Daddy made me feel pretty and mature and he would make me better than them.
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