Not My Type

by Anna Zarlenga

  ‘We’re almost ready, Mr. Pagani,’ the secretary warns me. ‘Dr. Doria is in make-up, but it won’t take much longer. Ten minutes, tops.’

  I nod. ‘I’m going for a walk outside. Back soon.’ I wander out through the studio doors and take a mouthful of air. I’m as impatient as a child on Christmas morning. It must be said that patience has never been a virtue of mine. Still, until lately, I didn’t think of myself as having any virtues to speak of, and it didn’t bother me at all. Now, however, I have completed something of my own, something that I have devised and written and I am satisfied with, in a way that I didn’t think possible.

  ‘Chief! Finally you’ve come back to us!’

  I smile. Today, even Gennaro’s voice seems pleasant to me. ‘Good morning, Gennaro!’

  ‘You look strange… something about your face.’

  ‘That’ll be the powder.’

  ‘The powder? Chief, what is it that you’re telling me? I thought you were a ladies’ man!’

  ‘Seriously, Gennaro, you want to enter the world of entertainment and you don’t know that men wear make-up too when they go on the air?’

  ‘Not Gennaro! All I do is get my chest hair out! Here you go, Chief, have a look at that,’ And he opens his jacket and shirt with a single gesture. I hasten to close it with both hands. It is not really the the done thing to vomit so close to recording.

  ‘Remarkable. Really! But it’s not necessary to show it to everyone. Save the surprise for your audience.’

  At this last sentence Gennaro lights up as if he had seen a vision of the Madonna herself. He falls to his knees and holds out his arms to me.

  ‘I knew you had a good heart.’

  ‘Eh?’

  ‘I knew it, I knew you had a job for me at the studio.’

  When did I ever say such a thing? ‘You must have misunderstood. I…’

  ‘Ah, Chief, I’ll find a way to repay you, I swear it. I will dedicate a song to you. Two. Three. I’ll write you an album. Sing at your wedding!’

  ‘I doubt that day will ever come. But thanks for the thought.’

  ‘Chief… Chief…don’t say that. You may be painted up like a circus clown, but I can still see the love under all that muck.’

  Oh God, love again. He must really want to scare me.

  ‘You let your imagination run away with you.’

  ‘Imagination is all I have. But my imagination sees the signals well enough. It’s like that thing at the airport. The thing they pass over you fifty times and don’t let you go on until you strip to your underwear and they can see that you have no weapons, do you know that thing? ‘

  ‘A metal detector?’

  ‘Yes! One of those. How nice to be educated! Exactly what you said. They detect metal, and I detect love. And you, Chief, are even more infatuated than I am with Giuseppina.’

  I shiver. ‘You don’t know what you’re talking about.’

  ‘I know exactly… tell me about her… is she pretty?’

  ‘I don’t think so,’ I reply, unsure. Less than a month ago I would have given the answer without hesitation. Now, though, I’m confused.

  ‘And do you feel like everything you do is stupid? When Giuseppina stole my heart, I acted like a total fool. I couldn’t make the words come out of my mouth. I became a victim of… of…’

  ‘Stuttering?’

  ‘That one, yes. I may not know the words like you, but I can sing with my heart in my hands. Chief, let me serenade her for you.’

  This conversation is starting to make me feel uncomfortable.

  ‘No serenading required, thank you. And as for the audition… let me think about it. Maybe I have some friends who deal with your… er… genre.’

  I can’t think of anyone, to be honest, but I have to say something to make him change the subject. I don’t feel very comfortable when it comes to love. Passion, fine. Inexplicable and unusual attraction, still fine. But not love. Love has no place in my life. I’m not cut out for love. Deep down I’m still an arsehole. I’ve never deluded myself that I could be anything else.

  My tactic seems to work, because Gennaro starts waving his hands, all excited. I almost expect him to start hopping around.

  ‘You won’t regret it, I swear! And I swear that if I have another child I will name him after you. What was your name again, Chief?’

  ‘Aren’t you a bit too old to have another child?’

  ‘Me? I don’t think so,’ he replies, looking at me with his sly eyes.

  ‘I’m not sure your wife will be too keen on Teodoro.’

  He considers it for a second, and then nods. ‘Well then, I’ll just give him a name that starts with T, like Totore!’

  ‘Isn’t that short for Salvatore? I thought you already had a kid called Salvatore.’

  ‘Totonno, then!’

  ‘That’s short for Antonio, and it starts with an A.’

  ‘Well… same thing.’

  I shake my head, amused. ‘It’s been good talking to you, but I have to get back to work now.’

  ‘Hold on a minute, Let me give you this perfume. It’s an original imitation. Give it to your girlfriend.’

  ‘I haven’t got a…’

  ‘Well, give it to her anyway. And remember, if you forget how to talk when you’re with her, that’s the woman who has messed you up forever. But hey, it’s a beautiful mess, look at me.’ He shrugs, happily.

  I’m not convinced, to be honest, but I don’t have the strength to discuss it further. I take the little box he thrusts into my hand and go back into the studio, with a strange feeling in my stomach that I can’t seem to drive away.

  The lights hit my face and behind the camera the director motions for me to begin. The script that Sara and I prepared appears on the autocue, and I begin to read.

  ‘We are, quite literally, overwhelmed by signs. Our entire life is made up of signs. From the morning, when we open our eyes, to the evening, when we close them, signs guide our lives.’

  ‘How dramatic!’ Sara teases me. All scripted, of course, but her mocking smile is really perfect.

  ‘Well, if you’re such an expert…’

  ‘I am an expert, actually.’

  ‘Oh really? So you know all the signs?’

  ‘All of them.’

  ‘Really? Every single one?’

  ‘Sure. What do I have to do to prove it?’

  ‘Is that an indecent proposal, Doctor?’

  Sara pretends to be offended. We tried that part millions of times. ‘He can’t say that!’

  ‘Hey listen, you may be the expert, but I can read some signs, too,’ I reply, giving her a wink.

  ‘Hmm. I had better not make the sign that just came to mind. It isn’t suitable for television.’

  ‘I didn’t think you were the belligerent type, Dr. Doria.’

  ‘Looks can sometimes be deceiving.’

  ‘And can signs deceive us?’

  She crosses her legs, sure and bright like never before.

  ‘At times, yes.’

  ‘Forgive me, I don’t understand.’

  Here I am, in full nuisance mode. This is my role, after all.

  ‘Why doesn’t that surprise me.’

  Canned laughter, as in the best American talk shows. I feel a bit like David Letterman. ‘Don’t be like that! How do you know I’m not just a misunderstood genius?’

  ‘I don’t think so. There are some truths so obvious that they cannot be misunderstood,’ she retorts. More canned laughter. I pretend to have some kind of heart attack. ‘You’re killing me! I thought I’d seen hope at the end of the tunnel!’

  ‘I’m afraid your hope does not rest on solid foundations.’

  ‘All right, all right… if you’ve finished insulting me…’

  ‘I’m just interpreting the signs.’

  ‘Fine… if you have finished interpreting the signs, can we divert attention from my supposed ignorance and focus on something more serious?’

  ‘With that face, yo
u want to talk about something serious?’

  The look she gives me is highly skeptical. Of course she’s good at this.

  ‘What’s wrong with my face?’

  ‘Well… let’s say your face is also unmistakable.’

  ‘Explain yourself.’

  ‘I’ll try and keep it simple, so even you can understand.’

  The conversation continues in this way, with half-hearted squabbles that touch on complicated subjects, and present them in a funny way. Mostly through ridicule, but why not? If I have to be a scapegoat for the success of the project, I’m happy to do it. If I have to be verbally punished by her, well, maybe I enjoy that. I know it’s only a script, after all. I’ve really enjoyed the time I’ve spent working on this project. Working with her. Creating something concrete. Perhaps, and I do mean perhaps, I might also like engaging in something other than having a good time at the weekend. To be admired not only for my appearance, but also for what I do. I never would have thought it possible, not before I met her.

  ‘And… cut!’

  The shoot is over, I can’t believe it. I catch my breath and look at Sara. She was simply perfect. Relaxed, ironic, professional. She is wearing a strawberry-coloured shift dress that I recommended. When she’s not bundled up in those bizarre kaftans and austere suits, she has a full and soft body, not a model, certainly, but still captivating. And that neckline… Man, I’ve never had my hands on a pair of knockers like those before! Ah well, it seems like my gentlemanly moment is over, and I’m back to normal. Sara doesn’t seem to mind though. She looks at me and crosses her legs. If there weren’t fifteen people in the studio…

  Still, there’s always my office…

  ‘What’s going on in that mind of yours?’ she whispers, moving close to my ear. She is wearing a lipstick that highlights her full and inviting mouth. Dammit, this isn’t easy for me. I can’t let myself get carried away with her. Not here. It would make things seem too official and… shit! I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for an official relationship.

  ‘Would you like to follow me to the office, doctor? I would like to show you in detail the porg… the grop… the…,’ I stammer. What the hell! Can’t I even talk right now?

  Gennaro’s words come back to me suddenly and I can feel myself blush furiously underneath my make-up.

  Sara laughs, ‘Would you like to show me the project in detail?’

  There! Project!

  ‘Exactly. Do you want to follow me?’

  ‘With pleasure,’ she agrees, standing up.

  The corridor leading to the office seems to stretch for kilometres, but finally the door appears.

  ‘Please come in,’ I say, opening it wide. I don’t even have time to re-lock it before I find her again. Small, fragrant and tempting, like a vanilla brioche. My hands hold her waist, filling themselves with her. I sit on the floor, with my back against the door, and she hurries to straddle me, catching my mouth with hers. I let her drive the game and make me lose control, as always.

  ‘You’re so cute when you pretend to be all professional,’ she whispers into my neck as she starts to take off my tie.

  ‘Pretend?’ I ask with a hint of resentment. ‘I’d say in this case I’ve been very professional. I put everything I had into this project.’

  ‘Hey, I didn’t mean to offend you. You make objective assessments about my body, and I’m doing the same with your desire to work, which is notoriously not legendary.’

  Her hands, meanwhile, have become bold. From my neck they travel down over my chest and then onto my belt, fumbling to free me. And fuck, God knows how much I want to strip her and make love with her on the floor, but there’s something I have to know.

  I block her, looking into her eyes, seriously.

  ‘What’s up?’

  ‘Do you think I’m stupid?’

  She blinks, dumbfounded. ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Do you think I’m good for nothing, a guy who will never amount to anything in life?’

  ‘That’s not what I meant…’

  ‘Tell me, then,’ I invite her, pushing her away slightly. We remain like this, sitting on one another, our eyes locked and challenging each other.

  ‘Well, come on… you’ve said yourself that you don’t really want to make sacrifices for anything.’

  ‘But I’ve changed! Haven’t I shown you I’m capable of completing a project?’

  ‘And that’s a wonderful thing. But miracles don’t happen, Teo. You can’t just get back what you lost through years of inaction in such a short time.’

  The moment has passed. She gets up and puts her dress back in place. I cross my legs and lean my head against the door, to get a better look at her.

  ‘So I will always be good for nothing to you?’

  ‘I’d say you were good at a lot of things,’ she tries to joke, but it doesn’t make me laugh. I didn’t care before, but now it’s different. The rest of the world is not important, but she has to believe in me somehow. Otherwise, what is the point of all this effort, of any of it?

  ‘You have no respect for me.’

  ‘That’s not true at all.’

  I lift myself up above her. ‘It is, you have no respect for me.’

  Sara puts her hands on her hips. ‘What do you want me to tell you, Teo? That you’re suddenly a misunderstood genius of television? I’ve never lied to you, you know that. And I won’t start now. You still have work to do, and plenty of it. Given your perseverance, I’m sure you will find it in you to do it, but this certainly doesn’t depend on me. Your life is your own and, if you’ll forgive me, I don’t like this sudden change in attitude. I know when I’m being played.’

  ‘Played?’

  ‘Yeah, I know how this works. I resist you in every way, you woo me, and after you have your pilot in the can, you take offence for no reason over a joke. Is there something you want to tell me?’

  ‘Are you accusing me of using you?’

  ‘I don’t know. You tell me.’

  My ears are smoking. True, that was the plan to start with, but then things…got out of hand. None of this was pretend, and the fact that she believes it could be leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.

  ‘If you can’t trust me, then this whole thing between us makes no sense.’

  She doesn’t make a hysterical scene, she doesn’t cry or beg. She stands and evaluates me, in silence. Then she opens her mouth, and her words pierce me like blades of ice.

  ‘You’re right, it probably doesn’t make sense,’ she says, grabbing the handle. She’s going. Out of the studio? Out of my life? What do I do now? Dammit, I know that I can’t let her dump me. Me, Teo? I can’t be dumped! I’m determined to at least clarify the situation, if only because I can’t bear to give her the last word. I must understand at all costs. I hold onto her arm, preventing her from gaining the corridor.

  ‘Do you think you can get away that easily?’ I ask her, looking at her and pulling her back inside. ‘Just wait and listen to what I have to say.’

  24

  Sara

  For heaven’s sake, I can’t count the number of times I’ve lost patience with Teo in the past and if anything, he usually seems to enjoy it. Now, apparently, the situation is different. He is angry and he feels belittled, which is ridiculous, because we both know the opinion he has of himself. It is an opinion that precludes all criticism and imperfections. So he can only be acting. He’s trying to fool me. Still. And I won’t let him do it.

  ‘I’m listening, what have you got to say?’ I ask, trying to make my voice as hard as granite. I can’t let him manipulate me like a puppet.

  His expression is strange, unreadable. He reaches a hand towards me and I almost think he is about to hug me, and move aside, but I find that his intention is only to close the door behind me.

  ‘I could report you for abducting me, you know?’ I warn him. A twinge of disappointment hits me between my stomach and my chest, but I try to ignore it.

  ‘Why not? Add
something else to the list of things you’ve accused me of. So now I’m a slacker, a fake, a waste of time, a moron and a kidnapper,’ he says, bitterly.

  ‘I never said you were stupid!’ I repeat with violence. ‘Don’t put words into my mouth. All I said was that even though this change that’s happening to you is remarkable, it’s still only something that touches the surface. Let’s not fool ourselves. You are still Teo, the man who tires of novelties at the speed of light, the man who is used to having everything at once. And this project we have completed, what was that? Only your desire to redeem yourself in the eyes of a father who was about to disinherit you.’

  He stiffens, but does not take his eyes off mine. ‘Maybe it’s true that I get tired of things easily, but I really did believe in this project, and now you’re belittling it.’

  I put myself in an attack position, with my hands on my hips. ‘If you remember, I was against it from the start. I only worked on it because you forced me.’

  ‘You didn’t seem so sorry to be working with me last night.’

  I blush, but I don’t give up. ‘Maybe that’s because you have a very interesting way of working on projects,’ I explain to him with a touch of spite.

  ‘So, you agreed to do something you didn’t approve just to get laid? You’re as much of a hypocrite as I am!’

  ‘I am not a hypocrite, and besides, it didn’t seem to me that you were indifferent to my company. Did you do it because you liked it or because it was necessary?’

  ‘You still doubt me,’ he reproaches me. His eyes have become two glowing embers.

  ‘Don’t try and make yourself the victim in all of this, because it won’t wash. The more you go on with this melodrama, the more convinced I am that everything has been planned, from the first word to the last. You got what you wanted, now you can stage your little set piece and get rid of me without being the bad guy.’