There it is, that spark that I missed. There, burning in her eyes, as she finally turns to face me.
‘Are you calling me a coward?’
‘You’re supposed to be the word expert, you tell me.’
‘The nerve of you! Treating me like this and then trying to make me look like the bad guy!’
I lean back in my chair, suppressing the instinct to throw her over my shoulder and carry her off to a secluded place somewhere. ‘I wouldn’t exactly describe you as innocent, not after what I have seen of you.’
‘I’m not sure I want to know,’ says Silvio, his face pale with discomfort.
‘Don’t you dare talk like that about my sister! What the hell is wrong with you? You told me you wanted to do something nice to make it up to her and it was all part of some horrible plot to make fun of her.’
Silvio snorts, holding back a laugh. ‘Well, come on, she got pretty lucky in a way.’
Sonia gives him an evil look. ‘You’re in a very difficult position, you know? Lucky, you say? Why would she be lucky?’
‘Well, you know… she… she… I mean…’ Silvio stutters, pointing at Sara, struggling for a foothold, anything to grab onto to save himself
‘She what? Say it!.’
‘She… is certainly not like you… darling…’ he says finally, with his most persuasive smile, relieved to have found a plausible sentence.
‘And what am I like? Are you saying you only married me for my physical appearance?’
Ouch. I had forgotten the uncanny ability women have of turning your words on their head, and making them an integral part of the evidence against you.
‘I didn’t mean that Honey, I…’
‘You think I’m stupid…’ Sonia wails, sobbing.
Which reminds me of something I said myself, not so very long ago.
‘Sonia, don’t get upset. It’s not good for the baby,’ says Sara.
The baby? I gasp and point a finger at Silvio. ‘For the love of God, how many times have I told you to use precautions?’
‘You’re right to worry about spreading your seed. Nobody want hundreds of little versions of you running around making everybody’s life miserable,’ Sara retorts.
I turn on her, ‘Is that really what you think of me?’ I feel genuinely offended and I don’t care who knows it.
‘You humiliated me because you wanted to get me into bed!’
‘Oh, believe you me, getting you into bed was the last of my thoughts,’ I blurt out, remembering how much the idea repelled me in the beginning.
‘Seriously,’ says Silvio in an attempt to back me up.
‘Fine! So what was it? A joke?’
‘You messed my sister about!’
‘You used me!’
‘You’re in deep shit, man!’
Three fingers, all pointing at me. I doubt that any attempt to explain myself will cut it, at this point. How can I make them believe that, yes, it all started as as a stupid game to prove myself, but that it turned into something completely different, something I could never have expected? Will they ever believe that I really wanted her, that when I made love to her I felt complete and at peace for the first time in my life?
‘My stomach hurts!’ Sonia cries out, putting a hand over her mouth.
‘Have you taken some ginger?’ Silvio asks, affectionately.
‘Don’t touch me! I’m furious with you! You should have told me what you knew and instead you hid everything from me.’
‘But Sonia…’
‘But nothing! Just… get out of the house for a few hours. Give me time to calm down.’
‘I hope you’re happy,’ Sara hisses at me. ‘You’ve made a pregnant woman sick. Are you trying to ruin our lives?’
‘You’re paranoid!’
‘And you’re a liar,’ she replies, making for the door.
With two strides I reach her and grab her arm. ‘Stop!’
‘Why should I?’
‘Because you have to give me a chance to explain.’
‘Explain what? Did you, or did you not, come up with a plan to seduce me? I want the truth.’
I’m screwed. If I say no, I’m lying to her. The honourable thing to do is to say yes. None of this would have mattered to me once, but now…
‘Yes. It’s true,’ I give in.
She tightens the muscles of the face, hardening her expression so as not to betray her feelings.
‘Right. Thank you for your honesty. Now that everything is clear, I think it’s time for us to go our separate ways.’
Panic fills my chest like a lead weight. I have to say something!
‘You don’t understand! You’re just not my type of woman!’
Sara shakes her head, exasperated. ‘This is a subject we’ve gone over more than once. There is no need for you to repeat it. You played the role very well. You almost made me believe you really liked me.’
Something shudders in my stomach. ‘But I do really like you.’
‘Oh save the performance for Oscars night. The curtain has fallen, and you can go back to being the same old opportunist arsehole.’
‘I’m not acting, please believe me. What we said to one another is not a lie.’
Sara takes off her glasses with a sigh and I touch her shoulder, hoping she’ll look at me. But as I touch her, any lingering hopes I might have had fly straight out of the window. And we’re on the sixth floor, so they will crash miserably to the ground.
‘Don’t you understand that I can never believe you? Not after what happened. Not after what you did.’
‘I never wanted to make you suffer.’
‘Yes you did. It was all in your plan.’
Which, unfortunately, is absolutely true. I fall silent, unsure of what to say. All the evidence is against me.
Sonia, meanwhile, is huddled in a corner trying to avoid the useless and desperate attempts of Silvio to convince her to forgive him. I dragged him into this mess, too, even if i didn’t mean to.
‘I can never trust you again!’ she sobs, barricading herself behind a chair.
‘I have to get Sonia out of here,’ Sara bursts out, agitated.
‘Sara…’ I try to stop her, knowing I won’t succeed.
‘I don’t want to argue about this bullshit any more. Let’s just finish it here and pretend nothing happened. I was stupid to trust you. A peacock does not become a swan overnight, not even in fairy tales.
She walks quickly away and I find myself feeling the emptiness left by her absence and, damn it, it hurts. This never happened to me before, I swear. Panic takes hold of me. None of this is normal at all.
Was this really just about sex?
‘We’re going,’ Sara announces. ‘We’ll see you later on tonight, Silvio. Try to think about how to apologise.’
And she heads for the door again, this time without any obstacle in her way. The sound of it closing acts as the companion to my contracting heart.
I have a heart and I never noticed it.
‘You ruined my life!’ Silvio accuses me.
He’s right. Too bad my own life isn’t doing much better.
26
Sara
Exam time. Lessons have been suspended for two days and the winter term is about to begin. An unusual silence reigns along the corridors: the students are all at home revising. I make my way through the department with an uncertain step. It’s been a strange few weeks, what with lessons, working with Teo and… all the activity between the sheets.
Professor Costa has not spoken to me since the fateful night with the sushi, and I have tried not to encourage any conversations with Eleonora, unless they’ve been professional. It seemed like the right thing to do, and after all I was focused on other things. Now, however, I find myself regretting my rashness.
I had to calm and comfort Sonia, and even found myself defending that idiot Silvio in the end. Basically he was just naive and didn’t really mean to hurt my sister. Or me, I don’t think. On reflection, I’m not
angry with him, only with Teo. And with myself, of course. You expect a mature woman like me to have something between her ears – a bit of common sense. But instead I put my faith in fairy tales.
And let’s face it, Teo is hardly Prince Charming. He may be beautiful, but when you come down to it what are his actual qualities?
Humour, wit and courage, suggests a little voice in the back of my mind. Well that’s just great! All this sex has scrambled my brain, there’s no other explanation for it. I will have to do some kind of detox, but I can’t see that being much of a problem: I foresee a long, long period of abstinence.
Unfortunately, my computer is still there waiting for me. I have a lot of work to do, including reorganising the notes for a chapter to be included in a collection by the department. I’m only on the first draft and I already feel like I’m going crazy. With a sigh, I begin to review what I have so far.
‘Your face this morning looks very different to the way it has over the past few days.’
Eleonora’s observation, uttered as usual out of nowhere, interrupts my frantic tapping on the keys. I look up and give her a broken smile.
‘I have a lot of work to do,’ I explain, trying to sound as neutral as possible. I can’t hide the fact that I feel a little nervous when we’re alone together. Oh God, I know she’s not the pushy type, but still… I don’t want to feed any false hopes.
‘So much work that you’ve practically disappeared lately.’
It’s time to come clean. I give in to the evidence, take off my glasses and massage my temples to relax my thoughts.
‘I didn’t disappear because of work,’ I confessed.
‘Well, if you did it for something nice, I’m happy for you.’
‘I don’t feel very comfortable talking about this with you, Eleonora.’
‘Because we kissed?’
‘Because you kissed me.’
‘You didn’t stop me.’
‘I was in shock, for God’s sake! I’d never realised the way you felt, I swear it!’
‘Because you were thinking of someone else,’ she says, sadly.
‘I… I’m sorry… but…’
‘Don’t worry. We don’t always get what we want and, well… I had to try .’
‘Don’t you hate me?’
‘How could I? You are the nicest person I know, and it’s certainly not your fault if you don’t feel the same way.’
I look awkwardly at my hands. ‘I hope you find the right person.’
‘You don’t have to worry about me. All I want is for us to carry on talking like before.’
I smile at her and get up, going to meet her. ‘I’d like that too.’
Her sincere embrace comforts me. ‘I missed you.’
‘Me too.’
‘Are we good? Shall we start again?’ she proposes.
‘Let’s.’
‘Right, let me see what you’re working on. It looks like a proper mess.’
She’s not wrong. ‘Come and sit down. I need a fresh pair of eyes.’
My love life may be a complete disaster, but at least I have a true friend in Eleonora.
After an intense morning spent reviewing my draft chapter, we finally give in to hunger and soon find ourselves staring disconsolately at the portion of overcooked lasagna in front of us. Unfortunately there is only one cafeteria in the vicinity.
‘So. You still haven’t told me what you’ve been doing these past few weeks,’ my colleague begins with a knowing look.
‘Nothing interesting,’ I lie. I don’t know if I’m ready to talk about it yet, especially seeing as the whole thing turned out to be a scam.
‘Liar. You disappeared for days, and from the look on your friend’s face after I spoke to him…’ she trails off with a sly smile.
‘Teo is not my friend and… wait. You spoke to him?’
‘He came to ask me why you weren’t here. You remember that morning you called in sick?’
All too well, unfortunately. The bastard knew how to weave his net well.
‘He was out of his mind! Ran out of the classroom like he was on fire. And then when I hadn’t seen either of you for a while I assumed he must have hit the target,’ she speculates with a suggestive giggle.
I blush, but I’m not going to lie to her. ‘He hit the target but…’
‘What… too fast?,’ She asks, making air quotes with her fingers.
‘Not all all,’ I cough, embarrassed.
‘So what’s with the face?’
I give up and tell her everything, really everything, without leaving out any detail: the overdose of sex, thinking that he liked me, the pilot, our ridiculous argument and the coup de theatre at my sister’s house. As the words come out I don’t feel better, as I’d thought I might. The wound in my heart, which I had kept more or less under control, is widening and I realise with dismay that there is something pressing to come out. Something that with all of my will I want to exterminate before it emerges and it’s too late. All I need is to start acting like a mopey teenager. I have a job to do.
‘It’s odd, though,’ Eleonora observes. ‘I can usually read people very well and he didn’t seem like he was pretending to me. He was really pissed off.’
‘Of course he didn’t, but my instinct in the beginning was right, more or less. His plan was to deceive me, get what he wanted, and then get rid of me. His friend confirmed it to my face.’
‘Your sister’s husband?’
‘Right.’
Eleonora seems to think about it. ‘I don’t know, are you sure? You’re not judging him too fast?’
‘Don’t stick up for him! As far as I’m concerned he’s guilty as hell.’
My colleague shrugs. ‘If you say so…’
‘I was naive, that’s all.’
‘Still, at least you enjoyed it, right?’
I burst out laughing. ‘Oh yes. I had a lot of fun!’
Eleonora pretends to be shocked. ‘Please! Don’t forget you’re talking to a woman who is in love with you!’
‘Should I expect a duel to the death?’
She shakes her head and forces down a piece of lasagna.
‘Don’t worry. This may not be great for your self-esteem, but I think I prefer you as a friend, all things considered.’
I touch her arm. ‘I’m lucky to have you.’
‘You can say that again!’
How stupid I was to avoid her! Eleonora really is one of those people you rarely have the fortune to meet.
‘Good morning!’ Professor Costa’s voice makes us both jump in unison. By now he has become an almost entirely virtual presence for me, since I’ve limited myself to communicating with him via email. A series of conferences in Genoa has been the official reason for his absence. At least that’s what he told me.
‘Cristoforo!’ I hesitate, unsure whether to apologise for ruining his fancy shoes or slap him for abandoning me mid-vomit.
‘Dr. Doria,’ he replies in a formal tone. So it’s like that: this does not do bode well.
‘How did the conference go, professor?’ Eleonora asks politely. Neither of us really gives a damn, but this glacial atmosphere must be warmed up somehow.
‘Discretely, thank you. I would like to talk to you both about an issue that has arisen.’
We exchange a worried look, and give him our attention.
‘I had an interview with the dean and the board of directors. A restructuring of chairs and collaborators is underway. The places in the competition are fewer than expected.’
‘And?’ Eleonora asks, giving voice to my desire to know, which is mingled with a growing sense of dread. I have a pretty good idea what he’s about to say.
‘The posts of associate professor have been reduced from two to one. Were you aware that Federico Vaio will also be taking part in the competition?’
‘That illiterate pudding!’ Eleonora bursts out, while I try to process the fact that at the end of the academic year I will need to find another job. Because, e
ven if the professor is not saying it explicitly, the message is very clear.
‘Dr. Vaio has a larger curriculum than Dr. Doria.’
‘He has better connections. Let’s not fool ourselves,’ my friend says, earning a dirty look from the professor.
‘You are not in a position to make such considerations.’
I cut off Eleonora’s response, eager to end the discussion.
‘I see. Thank you for letting me know, professor. ‘
‘Good luck,’ he replies without smiling.
I let out the breath I hadn’t realised I had been holding and blink back the tears that are doing their best to escape. My life is falling apart.
‘Now he’s telling me? A few months before the contract expires?’
‘It’s obviously a way of getting back at you for Sushigate. But of course, we have no way of proving it.’
‘How is it my fault he has crappy taste in restaurants? And his tongue is like an epileptic eel?’
‘Your fault is that you rejected him. He’s so arrogant it won’t have occurred to him for a second that he’s just a shitty lover.’
‘For heaven’s sake, we didn’t get that far!’
‘Fortunately,’ she replies, and the image of Teo’s face flashes suddenly through my mind. His eyes that have searched for me and chained me, his mouth that called out my name. How did he pretend so well? And why can’t I stop thinking about it?
‘Earth to Sara!’
I come to quickly, but the treacherous seed within me that I want to kill seems more tenacious than expected.
‘I was saying, there’s a competition for Chair of Semiotics at Federico II. I’ve just found it. Here.’ She shows me an internet page on her phone.
‘Do you think I’ve got a chance?’
‘Let’s find out. The competition is in a few months.’
‘But I haven’t even applied!’
‘I’m applying for you. Ah, the marvels of technology,’ she chirps as she presses a key. ‘Done.’
‘But…’
‘Don’t start! I’ve spent two years watching you work in the shadows under the guidance of that… that…well, let’s not say what he is! It’s time for you to have the recognition you deserve, or at least to try for it.’
‘What if it goes wrong?’
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