Not My Type

by Anna Zarlenga

  Damn, he’s really done his homework. What is worse, though, is that his eyes are staring right at me, as if they wanted to bore into my soul. I feel extremely uncomfortable. Why the hell did that question come to mind? And why did he respond correctly?

  Coincidence. Just coincidence. He must have caught a few snippets of my speeches during one of the few lessons he attended.

  I cough, trying to seem indifferent, still determined to destroy him utterly.

  And yet, question after question, Teo does not back down. He continues to answer my questions, and to use his answers to make allusions about us. Allusions that no one catches, except me and perhaps Eleonora, who at a certain point comes over and puts her hand on my shoulder.

  ‘Can I talk to you in private for a moment?’

  What can be so urgent? ‘Right now?’

  ‘It can’t wait,’ she replies, taking my the arm and forcing me to follow it her over to a quiet corner of the room. I follow reluctantly, and invite her with a look to speak.

  ‘You’ve been questioning him for three quarters of an hour. I think he knows his stuff,’ she points out.

  ‘That’s impossible! How on earth has he done it?’

  ‘I think you’re underestimating him. Besides, you’re expanding unnecessarily and you still have all these students to examine. At this rate you’ll still be here three days from now.’

  ‘So… what, you think I should pass him?’ I ask, incredulous and a little annoyed.

  ‘Can you think of a reason why not? He studied, he answered all your questions. Let’s put it this way: if you tell him he has passed the exam, you will never have to see him again. Isn’t that what you want?’

  It takes me a few seconds too long to reply. ‘Sure. You’re right. I’ll do that,’ I mumble, heading back to my seat. Teo is still wearing his most angelic expression. I look at him sideways, willing his chair to topple off the stage.

  ‘Do you remember the platypus?’ he asks, startling me.

  ‘I’m sorry, what?’ I croak, perilously close to the end of my patience.

  ‘A creature that defies any kind of classification. It looks like a mammal, but it also has a beak and lays eggs. So it could be considered a type of bird, but no! It lives underwater like a fish but it breathes air like a mammal. So what is it? It’s a good question.’

  ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’

  Teo adopts the expression of primary school teacher trying to explain something to a class of children.

  ‘Consider this: Looking at me, and knowing me, nobody could think that I am ready to sit an exam. They have classified me, ‘slacker.’ So how is the matter solved?’

  Seriously. How is it solved? ‘I’m curious to know your opinion.’

  ‘In my opinion, with trust.’

  Now what is he talking about?

  ‘Trust is earned and can also be lost, if misplaced.’

  ‘But trust is a spontaneous act. Only with trust can we understand what at first glance seems impossible.’

  ‘But if trust is betrayed, it is like a vase that breaks. It can never be made the same again.’

  ‘Did you know that the Japanese repair broken jars with golden paste. In this way they become even more beautiful and bear the signs of the suffering that made them so. The cracks symbolise the evolution of life.’

  Is that what the philosopher is suggesting we do now?

  ‘I’m sorry to contradict you, but vases are vases, not people.’

  ‘And if I apologise?’ It comes out point-blank.

  ‘That won’t be necessary,’ I mutter, desperately hoping that no one heard anything. ‘The exam is over. Now we will compile the minutes and…’

  ‘I’m not just a jerk, Sara.’ His low murmur reaches my ears, but I pretend not to hear.

  ‘I would say that the exam went very well… I am awarding you a pass, with distinction.’

  And damn well deserved. I don’t remember putting anyone through the wringer like I did with him. Maybe now he’ll be happy and leave me in peace.

  ‘I don’t want it. I give up the exam.’

  I whiten, taken aback. Yet again. ‘You can’t give up an exam! Take your distinction and best wishes for the future. And go away.’ From this faculty, from my sight, from my life!

  ‘I’m not leaving until you forgive me.’

  ‘Mr. Pagani, please. There are other people waiting to be examined.’

  ‘I was stupid. Superficial. A total arsehole. But I wasn’t lying to you. Not in the end, at least.’

  If I don’t get out of here I feel like I might suffocate.

  ‘Eleonora, can you continue, please?’

  I can’t stay in here a minute longer. I rush outside, accompanied by some puzzled glances, and seek refuge in the corridors. My relative tranquility, however, lasts only a few seconds, because Teo catches up with me and, putting his hands on my shoulders, forces me to turn around. Despite doing what he wants, I don’t spare him a hard look.

  ‘Why won’t you leave me alone?’ I ask him, discouraged and tired.

  ‘I’m not a great genius, I admit. But I showed you that I can get results if I want to.’

  And how he showed it! I’m still trying to figure out how he did it.

  ‘The point is this,’ he continues, looking at me intently. ‘Wanting it is the key, but I only want when I’m with you. You are my will. Without you I can never do anything.’

  ‘So what exactly are you trying to tell me? That you just want me to help you reach your life goals?’

  Put like that, it seems almost plausible: maybe, for some unknown reason, I somehow activate Teo’s neurons and push him to be better. And now he wants to exploit this alchemy to his advantage. Certainly not because he’s interested in me or my feelings.

  ‘I’m saying that I am an imbecile emeritus by myself, but when I’m with you I am a platypus.’

  ‘What?’

  I can feel the mother of all headaches coming on.

  Then Teo smiles and, dammit, my heart and stomach both turn somersaults at the same time.

  ‘You make me special. I make you special. We’re two halves of a design that defies human comprehension. But it’s our design and to me it’s perfect. Don’t leave me alone. Let’s become a platypus. Together.’

  My brain is scrambled. The strangest thing is that underneath all this crazy talk I can see the sense of what he’s trying to say, and it terrifies me. I can’t trust him. I can’t make a fool of myself all over again. So now what do I do?

  29

  Teo

  How do you convince a woman of your good intentions? How do I, whose intentions up until now have always been the worst? It’s the reaction I should have expected.

  Sara stands there, silent and obstinate, refusing to give me an answer.

  ‘Well? What do you say?’ I insist. I want this woman and I want her now. I don’t understand all of the reasons why, and frankly, I’ve stopped worrying about it: she is the road that winds in front of me.

  ‘What do you want me to say? First you accuse me of offending you, then you admit that you lied, and finally you retract everything by suggesting we transform into a platypus! Do you have any idea how ugly a platypus is? What kind of apology is that?’

  I hold back a smile. ‘You know how I run away with myself when I’m excited. And anyway the platypus is not ugly. It’s just weird. When it swims, for example, it is graceful and elegant.’

  ‘Oh, sure. I imagine you’re an expert on strange creatures.’

  Moment of truth. I take a deep breath and throw out the thing I came here to say. ‘I am an expert, yes. Because I fell in love with a strange creature.’

  For a few moments, time stands still.

  ‘Go to hell, Teo,’ she exclaims with hatred. ‘I’ve had enough. Of you, of this shitty job, and of everyone in that classroom.’

  She dashes for the door, but I hold her by the arm.

  ‘Don’t touch me!’ she shouts exasperatedly, t
urning to me. I notice that her eyes are bright and I feel like a piece of shit.

  ‘Why won’t you believe me?’

  Sara bites her lip, triggering an irresistible desire to do the same. ‘I can’t believe you. Not after everything that’s happened. Not after what I heard. Why won’t you leave me alone?’

  ‘Don’t you feel anything for me?’ I ask, suddenly realising that if she says no, I would be a useless man. I glance at a nearby bin. If that’s the way things are, I might as well just climb inside it.

  The sound of steps behind us startles us both, and Mr. Sushi himself materialises – Professor I-have-a-broom-stick-up-my-arse.

  ‘Dr. Doria, can you tell me what’s happening here?’ he thunders, trying to sound imposing.

  ‘What do you think is happening? I’m taking the exams. Like you should be doing.’

  ‘You appear to be out in the corridor, not taking the exams,’ he points out.

  ‘I need a break too, or do you think that I’m indestructible? If you’re worried you can always go and look in on the candidates yourself.’

  Sara’s tone is harsh, and the professor’s expression immediately becomes fiery. ‘I will not allow you to speak to me in that familiar tone, Doctor!’

  Sara puts her hands on her hips, eyes flaming. ‘You didn’t seem so concerned about over-familiarity when you stuck your tongue down my throat!’

  ‘I will not tolerate such an attitude,’ he blusters, clearly caught off guard by Sara’s remark.

  ‘Oh, come off it Professor, don’t play the moralist with me. The whole time I’ve been here you’ve taken it easy while I’ve done all the work. And now you’ve found a more obedient work horse, you’re giving me the sack! I hope Dr. Vaio will know how to flatter you better than I do!’

  My jaw collapses in amazement. I already know about Sara’s sharp tongue, but I’ve only ever seen it used against me. I did not expect to see her at work against another victim. Evidently the transformation process is advanced and she is really becoming a platypus.

  ‘Guys, can you continue this conversation somewhere else?’ Eleonora suggests cautiously, emerging from the classroom door. ‘I’m taking exams in here and I can hear your voices. I think you’d better move away a bit…’ She’s right, we’re in serious danger of being overheard by everyone, which doesn’t seem like such a great idea. We move away, while Eleonora returns to the classroom.

  ‘Dr. Doria, I demand an apology this instant,’ the professor hisses menacingly. Sara doesn’t budge at all. After a few seconds of silence, she shakes her head resolutely.

  ‘I’d rather cut out my tongue, professor. You will never have an apology from me.You’ll just have to make do with the articles you made me write and pass off as your own.’

  The professor’s face changes colour: from red to grey, then almost to black. I worry for a moment that he might die of a stroke. Not that it would be a bad thing, but …

  ‘I… I will not allow it!’

  ‘Did I not just tell the truth? I dare you to contradict me!’

  ‘How ungrateful! After I welcomed you into my faculty, trained and guided you. And this is how you repay me?’

  Sara ignores him and makes for the exit, shaking her head. I hasten to follow her, but something stops me.

  ‘Professor, I would like to say one last thing,’

  ‘What is it?’ he replies, looking down his nose at me as if I were nothing.

  ‘Don’t you dare kiss my girlfriend again!’ I roar, making him jump. I think I really scared him. But that doesn’t matter now, my priority is Sara. I must find her at all costs. I run towards the stairs. Usually, if you want a quick escape, you take the stairs. And, yes, there she is, thank goodness for my long legs.

  ‘Sara!’

  She stops, but doesn’t turn around. ‘What do you want? To put on another one of your little performances?’

  ‘I wanted to tell you that the format was sold in thirteen countries.’

  ‘Good. So you’ve reached your goal. I don’t see why you should continue to torment me.’

  ‘Because I can’t live without you, don’t you understand?’

  Her shoulders tremble, but she remains obstinate, refusing to turn around. I want to grab hold of her, but I’m afraid of rushing things.

  ‘Remember the macarons?’

  ‘What do macarons have to do with it?’ she asks, her voice broken with anguish.

  ‘I admit it, I used them to sweeten you up.’

  ‘You’re really not helping yourself like this.’

  ‘Let me finish. I didn’t know what the fuck a macaron was. You know, we live in Naples, I usually stick to sfogliatella! But I bought them to impress you, I confess. And you know what? When I tasted them, I understood why you like them.’

  She turns slightly. ‘Why?’

  Because they’re delicate, gentle, light. All the things you’re not, on the surface. But I’m telling you that underneath it all you’re like a macaron too. Small, fragrant, invigorating.’

  ‘You’re getting good with words,’ she whispers, her eyes downcast.

  Bingo! A light at the end of the tunnel.

  ‘I’m not acting, I swear. How do you want me to prove it?’

  Finally she turns around and I can almost breathe normally again. ‘Teo… I… can’t do it.’

  ‘I don’t expect you to feel the same for me, but at least give me a try…’

  ‘You don’t understand. Trying doesn’t come into it. My heart is already yours!’

  How can you tell if you are about to have a heart attack? My heart gallops furiously and I fill the few steps that separate us, intertwining my fingers with hers.

  She shakes her head and walks away. ‘That doesn’t mean I’m giving you another chance. We’re not in high school, we’re adults, for God’s sake! These games are not for me. Because you are just playing, I know it. This, for you, is the novelty of the moment. Tell me what will become of me, when tomorrow you wake up and find you’ve changed your mind?’

  I grab her hand again and with the other I grab her chin, forcing her to look at me.

  ‘Can’t you understand that I will never get tired of you? That you turned my life upside down, ruined my playboy reputation? I don’t know how many women there are mourning my social death who would welcome me with open arms in half a second. The trouble is that I only want one woman.’

  ‘The only one who rejects you.’

  ‘The only one that completes me.’

  Sara pulls away again. ‘I… I’m sorry for saying those things about you. For what it’s worth, I don’t think you’re stupid. And know that the days I spent with you were like going out in the sun after so many years in the dark.’

  The speech, though promising in appearance, is rendered gloomy by her expression.

  ‘But…?’ I ask.

  ‘But… I don’t know if I’m ready for something like this. You come in, you take out a part of me that has been hidden for so long, then you leave, then come back. I’ve never liked roller coasters and I don’t know if I’m ready to face one now.’

  Her eyes are bright, but her gaze is determined. She raises a hand, as if she wanted to caress me, but immediately drops it down by her side. ‘Goodbye. Teo.’

  She turns and starts with a decisive pace towards the exit. Can I give up now? Never. My former life seems meaningless. I must not let her run away. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I have a backup plan ready. But for it to work, I have to let her get away a little. I follow her, keeping a certain distance between us. Sara exits the building and in a few minutes is walking along the roadside. She seems to wander aimlessly, without a goal. She doesn’t look back, her shoulders are slightly hunched.

  At one point she stops, as if considering what to do. I fear being seen as she slackens her pace, but fortunately she doesn’t notice me. She crosses the street, leaning her arms on the low wall that overlooks the panorama of the bay. The wind is very strong today, and her hair billows untidily, wh
ile she stands upright and looks at the sea in the distance.

  This is the moment. I have one last card to play and I have to do it now. No turning back.

  I take out my phone and scroll through my contacts in the chat. I enter what I need and press send, hoping she hasn’t left her phone in the classroom. I see her jump and give a sigh of relief: evidently she does have it with her.

  Sara rummages in the pockets of her jacket and takes out her phone, while I cross the street in turn and cautiously approach. She shakes her head, as if annoyed, but opens the message. The song I chose immediately fills the air.

  I know I won’t hesitate no more, no more

  It cannot wait, I’m sure

  There is no need to complicate, our time is short

  ‘I thought I’d leave Jason Mraz the last word,’ I whisper a few steps from her.

  She turns, her arms crossed, her eyes lowered. ‘I never thought you would like this song.’

  I smile, taking another step towards her, while she remains in the same position. ‘I heard it on the radio the other day, and it described my situation perfectly. It took me a while to figure it out, but the truth can’t stay hidden for long. I am yours. The song says it, but I know it too. I’m asking you one last time: will you give me a chance?’

  Sara raises her head, the slightest hint of a smile on her lips ‘You really are using all the weapons you have available, aren’t you?’

  ‘You know how resourceful I am,’ I reply in my old impertinent attitude. ‘And I know how much you like it.’

  ‘Yeah, you’re a master at showing what I want to see, but that’s not enough.’

  ‘But I love you, don’t you understand?’ I explode, exasperated. ‘What do you want me to do? Shout it out loud in the middle of the street, in front of everyone? Ladies and gentlemen, I love Sara Doria. I was the worst of men, but then I fell in love! ‘

  Sara grabs my arm to stop the show. ‘Stop it, please.’