Hello Stranger

by West, Jade

  Romi looked shocked at both of us, but hid it quickly. She dropped down close alongside me as Dr Hall got to his feet and straightened his tie.

  “Hey, sweetheart, how are you doing?” she said, and I managed a nod and a smile.

  Still, my eyes were focused on Dr Hall as he backed away.

  Still, his eyes were focused on mine, every step that he took, and then he did it.

  He bit his lip at the corner, just like Gina told me, and I felt it. I felt it so much.

  “Thanks,” I said. “Thanks so much for that, Dr Hall. For your help.”

  But he didn’t hear me. He was already through the door.

  19

  Logan

  It stayed. That insanity of closeness with that beautiful girl and her beautiful heart was too strong to let go.

  I felt it right through me as I walked through the ward back to the Hadleys and their devastation, and it didn’t leave me.

  It wouldn’t leave me.

  I did my best for my patients as I went about my work, but I left the hospital as early as I could that day. I headed to the train station with that feeling of human touch burning deep, and I craved it. Craved the way she felt in my arms, her fragile frame shivering, her hold so tight. I craved it with everything I had.

  I let myself in at home, and my legs felt unsteady as I headed into Mum’s bedroom. Her petals were still holding, and her eyes flickered open as that smile of hers bloomed bright.

  She reached out for my hand as Olivia finished up with her dinner tray, and I sat with her, squeezing her hand right back.

  She knew something was different. Mother’s instinct, I imagine. Felt it screaming out through my silence.

  Olivia said her goodbyes and I gave her my thanks and Mum gave her wave, and still Mum’s hand was holding tight.

  “What happened with you today?” she asked me, and her eyes were intent, searching.

  I didn’t bother shrugging, or trying to bluster out my usual daily rundown. I just sat there next to her without saying a word, and that was enough for long minutes.

  The crossword stayed on the bedside table, and her oxygen kept on rasping, both of us enjoying that simple contact in the lamplight.

  But my heart craved more. For the first time in years, I needed more.

  I needed that girl.

  “You can talk to me, you know,” Mum said when I looked away.

  “I know,” I said, and I did know.

  I’d been able to talk to her about anything and everything, ever since I was old enough to speak. Yet still, I held my crazy fixation on that beautiful girl back from her. Most likely because I was still trying my damnedest to hold it back from myself.

  “I’m going to be gone soon,” she said, and I took a breath. “I’m going to be gone soon, Logan, and I don’t want to leave you like this.”

  I managed a nod, counting on the attitude my spirit usually rallied at this point, assuring me that my solitude was better for everyone, including myself.

  Tonight, it let me down.

  Still, it didn’t matter how much I craved her. The rush of closeness with that beautiful freckle-faced girl could never be translated into something more. She was too young, with too much of a road ahead of her. Far too precious a little beauty living her life to ever consider tying it up alongside mine.

  Mum didn’t carry on with her usual chatter that usually followed. She didn’t tell me that Amy was a lovely woman who was arriving to see her tomorrow, or give me that usual wink and a nudge. Instead, she tugged her hand from mine and took hold of my elbow, pulling me closer until my head was on her shoulder. She held me, tight, and I let myself breathe as that little boy in his mother’s arms for the first time since I was that little boy in his mother’s arms.

  Mum was so strong, even though she was so frail. So alive, even though her lungs were fighting for every rasp of air.

  “It should be me holding you,” I said to her, and she laughed.

  “You’re plenty strong enough for everyone else in the world, you can at least let me be your mother and give you a proper damn hug.”

  She gave me a squeeze before she let me go.

  I loved her smile. I loved the sparkle in her eyes, and that tickle of her fingers as she touched my cheek.

  “Now let’s get on with that crossword,” she said. “Five clues left to go.”

  I was smiling right back at her as I reached for the newspaper.

  “Time to get cracking then.”

  I wrapped her up snug and fixed her nighttime oxygen before I left her and sat in my armchair downstairs when I was done. But I couldn’t read. There was nothing on the bookshelves that reached out to me. My heart was somewhere else.

  I wondered where she was tonight, that sweet girl. I wondered if her tears had dried and she was sitting somewhere with a novel on her lap, that tatty pink bookmark gripped in the front cover.

  I wondered if she was thinking of me, the way I was thinking of her.

  Her body had fit against mine so perfectly. Heart racing and crying out for the steadiness of mine.

  Her cries had been so raw and so true. Her eyes filled with such genuine hurt for others’ pain.

  She had so much of that hurt coming, so many days ahead on the ward. The last thing I should do was add more.

  So, I did what I usually did and forced myself back under the steel. I made the resolution to hold back from my own needs and treat her as I should treat her – as a dedicated member of my team, needing professional support in a demanding profession.

  I spent the weekend with Mum, and with Amy, the girl she was so keen to have as her daughter-in-law, trying not to think about the beautiful Chloe Sutton. I enjoyed Amy’s laughter through the house as she joked along with my mother, and a selfish part of me wished I could tick that final box on the list.

  Amy was a lovely woman, and had always been a great young friend for my mother. She was a pretty thing, with glossy dark hair and bright blue eyes. Tall and toned and a thumbs-up from Mum at every opportunity. Funny, and sassy, and smart.

  But I’d never felt any attraction to her.

  Even though she’d look at me with the gaze of someone who’d close the gap in a heartbeat, I’d never felt the pull to feel her body next to mine.

  And even if I had… even in that moment of weakness for that slam of flesh on flesh and skin against skin…

  No.

  I couldn’t do it.

  I’d never be able to fulfil the daughter-in-law request. Mum could plead all she liked, but she would never get that particular tick on the wall.

  Still, I could do the others on Mum’s list.

  I knew the list by heart.

  Climb a mountain.

  Ride the back of a motorcycle around a sharp corner.

  Put my toes in the sea.

  Amy called into the living room to speak with me before she left. She sat herself down in the chair opposite and for the first time ever since knowing her, I saw the way her fingers twisted in her lap.

  I couldn’t focus on anything else.

  “How do you think she’s doing?” she asked me. “She seems happy, but…”

  Her voice trailed away, and I didn’t have to speak. She already knew the answer.

  I saw the tears prick in her eyes.

  “Hopefully she’ll be with us for a little while longer,” I said, to ease the blow, but it didn’t disguise anything. Mum’s end wasn’t all that far away.

  “It’s going to be so fucking hard when she goes,” Amy said, and reached into her handbag for a tissue. “I can’t imagine life without her in it.”

  She wasn’t the only one.

  “How are you doing now?” she asked me, and I realised that Mum had been talking to her, quite possibly more than she should have.

  My eyes were cold when they met hers, closing off from conversation, and she read that in a flash.

  She shifted herself to leave, and I felt terrible as she gave me her kindest smile.

 
; Sympathy.

  She gave me sympathy.

  I didn’t want sympathy.

  “If there’s anything I can do, for you as well as Jackie…” she said, and her voice trailed away again.

  “Thank you,” I replied, and got to my feet to see her out.

  She waved as she walked down the path, then looked up at Mum’s bedroom window and waved again. I noticed fresh just how attractive the woman was, her hair so glossy under the dusky half-light.

  I watched her drive away, and the faintest part of me wished she was staying in the guest room tonight, just to feel someone else in the house with us.

  Luckily, that wish shrivelled to nothing soon after. At least I still had control of some of myself.

  Instead of wallowing in my own stupid cravings, I began planning.

  That list on Mum’s wall needed ticking off, and time was running out.

  20

  Chloe

  My weekend was busy, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t shake off that tingle, right the way through me.

  I went to a family barbeque on Saturday afternoon, and went for a long walk with Beano and my parents on Sunday, and handled grumpy, back and forth texts from Liam, but Dr Hall was always there. In my thoughts. Constantly.

  I was crapping myself with nerves when I headed back into the ward on Monday morning. I was aching for his touch again, and aching to talk to him properly. Aching to ask him how his weekend was, or what he’d been reading, or even how the blond bearded guy was doing on the train. Anything just to hear him speak.

  It didn’t happen.

  I’d give my nervous shuffle and smile whenever he passed by me, and he’d give his usual nod. Nothing different on the outside.

  But everything was different on the inside. I could feel it there, glowing between us every time he was anywhere near me. Our eyes would stay on each other just a second longer than they should do, and he’d do that pinch of his lip, and I’d feel my cheeks blush bright.

  “Are you going to do something?” Gina pushed on Wednesday afternoon. “It’s like awkward city with you two desperate for a piece of each other every day of the week.” She laughed. “I’d also really like to see some action before I head out of this place for good. I don’t want to be pinging Romi for updates every five minutes.”

  I giggled along with her, but I didn’t say anything. What could I say?

  I wasn’t going to follow Dr Hall down a corridor and ask him if he wanted to hang out after work, was I? The ground would probably open up and swallow both of us whole.

  I did ok at work that week. I helped everyone as best as I could, and began to get an understanding of what conditions were like on the ward, and what medications were used and how. There were no unexpected goodbyes to be handled on my shifts, and I got to know everyone a little better.

  All except him.

  All except the man my whole soul was screaming to know.

  I was crapping myself with nerves all over again when I headed over to Casey’s Bar on Friday night. I’d picked out one of my nice evening dresses in a lovely dark blue, and paired it up with some sparkly sandals, and fastened my hair up in spiral curls. I had my smile on my face, trying to give my best impression of calm, even though my fingers were fiddling with my handbag all the while I approached the little crowd of hospital staff at the far table.

  Richard, and Romi, and Gina herself. Wendy was there talking to Theresa from Hilton Ward, and there were Lourdes and Benjamin and Annabelle, who I’d only met in passing.

  And him, of course. Dr Hall. Still wearing his grey suit with his burgundy tie from the shift that day, no doubt straight to the bar from the ward.

  As per usual, I was the last one to the party. I sat myself down at a spare seat with a gulp of breath, and Gina pushed the prosecco bottle across the table at me.

  “Here you go,” she said. “Let’s catch you up with the rest of us. Unfortunately, I’m on orange juice, but everyone else has already had a few.”

  I scanned the others, and they were chatting, happy. I shrugged and thanked her and poured a glass of my own, and it was a dumb idea to drink it as quickly as I did and pour another, because I hadn’t managed any dinner yet, and I barely drank anything ever, not even when I was out with Liam, but still. Nerves, you know. Nerves asked for prosecco, and the prosecco delivered.

  It delivered me staring over at Dr Hall, without being able to hide a peep of it anymore. It delivered me laughing along with my new hospital friends, but fluttering right through me at the thought of walking away from this chance – this one little chance at actually speaking with him.

  I was plucking up the courage, I really was. I was sipping away at my drinks and flashing him glances he’d flash back at me, and I was getting ready to do it. Getting ready to clear my throat and head around the table to chat with him, like it was the most natural thing of all time.

  But he didn’t give me the chance.

  It wasn’t even ten p.m. when he got up from his seat and said his goodbyes. He told Gina he was happy to have worked with her for so long, and to keep him informed about the new little member of his family, and everyone smiled along, but nobody attempted to slow him down or make him hang around for another drink. I imagine they’d all figured out there was no point trying.

  I held my hand up and said have a nice weekend to him like all the others, but my heart was thumping wild. My whole body tensing.

  Gina saw it. She slipped up closer, while Dr Hall was still visible through the front windows walking away.

  “Do it,” she whispered. “Do it now, or forever hold your peace. Events like this don’t come up very often. Do it!”

  I should have shaken it off and got back to my prosecco. Definitely. There’s no way I should’ve faked a yawn and grabbed my coat from the back of the seat before telling everyone I’d had a lovely evening and see you later.

  It took a few minutes to say my goodbyes, and I was jittery the whole time, itching to get going and chase my chance.

  Gina pulled me in for a hug as I finally left the table, but it was a quick one.

  “Now go!” she whispered. “He’s probably already halfway to the train station.”

  I kissed her on the cheek before I went, and I did it. I dashed on nervous legs right the way from Casey’s down Hampton Street and turned back along the high street. I raced along on stupid sparkly sandal heels right the way down towards the train station, but still there was no sign of Dr Hall.

  I cursed myself as I reached the station entrance, worried I may have left it too late and he was already on a train and off on his way, but no. There he was, standing on the platform, staring off into nowhere until he heard the clack of my heels.

  His eyes widened, just a little, and I slowed the hell down, pretending I hadn’t just shot across town like a racehorse to catch him up. It didn’t work. It was obvious to both of us what I was doing there. More unspoken… stuff… brewing right there as I panted for breath with flushed red cheeks.

  I thought he was about to say something but the train came loudly into the station, bringing with it a draught of air that blew right over us. It took my breath, sent shivers right through me. I saw it in him, too. People stepped off through the doors, but neither of us moved, just stared at each other in the orange glow of the train windows.

  I took a massive, massive gulp as I stepped onto that train, two doorways along from where Dr Hall was standing. It wasn’t even the trainline I needed, but I didn’t care. I had to take that chance.

  Thank you, prosecco.

  Please, universe, can you be a decent friend to me, as well?

  I stumbled along to the train seat I used to sit in every single morning and dropped myself down with a pounding heart.

  Please, universe! PLEASE!

  The whistle sounded, and my heart dropped, wondering if maybe Dr Hall had bailed to get a different train, or chosen to sit a few carriages over in safety from crazy girl. But no.

  It was his shadow f
irst, approaching from behind. My heart was doing somersaults as he took his usual seat, and his eyes clamped on mine.

  The train was pulling away from the station by the time he spoke.

  “You seem to be on the wrong train,” he said, and he knew it well and true. We both did.

  “Maybe I’ve made a mistake, then,” I replied, and it was the prosecco talking. For sure, it was the prosecco talking.

  I tried to keep my knees still, but they were shaky as hell. My fingers were twisty, and I felt like a fool, but I couldn’t stop it. Couldn’t change how I felt and what I wanted. Not now I’d come this far.

  He didn’t pull a book out of his briefcase, and he didn’t look away from me.

  It was weird watching him heading in this opposite direction. Churchley, then Newstone, then Eastworth.

  We didn’t speak. Didn’t say a word. Just stared. Silent.

  Wenton, Sunnydale. Still nothing.

  Then it was Eddington.

  Make or break, even though I had no place to go there, it still felt like I could bail from that line.

  I didn’t break.

  The whistle sounded and we pulled away, and I was on unknown turf now, heading further away from London with my tummy an absolute tangle of what the hell are you doing?

  I would have said something, but no words felt right, so I kept quiet. Kept hoping and wishing and praying to the universe that I wasn’t just some damn idiot on the craziest mission ever.

  The train pulled up at Redwood station at 10.45 p.m.

  He got to his feet, and his eyes were still fixed on mine.

  “This is my stop,” he said.

  And maybe he should’ve said see you on Monday and walked away. Maybe this was a stupid ditzy thing that could never be. But he didn’t. He stayed there, standing, and waiting, until I got to my feet as well.

  I walked ahead of him, and I could feel him, just a few steps behind as we headed up the aisle.

  It was like that very first morning I’d held back for him, feeling his presence, feeling every single step that he took, but you could multiply the sensation a hundredfold.