by West, Jade
“I’m ready,” I told him. “Please make me a dirty girl. I’ve never been one. Not yet…”
I managed to shut myself up before my mouth ran away from me. My breaths were sharp as he lifted his wet fingers from between my legs and pushed them between my lips.
“Show me how much of a dirty girl you want to be,” he said, so I showed him.
I sucked his fingers like they were my lifeline, mouth wet and slurpy as he worked them in and out.
It’s weird, just how dirty something can feel while you’re rippling with the intensity that comes with loving someone. I loved him with that filthy glint in his eyes just as much as I loved the doctor on the ward. Just as much as I loved the man holding me tight in bed at night.
It was true – as much as I loved the man so strong and safe, there was another part of me that craved the thrill of him being so rough.
“Get ready to be a dirty girl,” he growled, and I was ready.
I was ready with a squeak when he pushed my legs up against my chest and forced the first of his fingers into my ass.
I was ready with a groan as he eased the other two in to join them.
“Relax,” he told me, and there was his doctor tone, undeniable.
I nodded and breathed, letting him work his fingers in and out – the most intense physical examination I’d ever had.
I’d always said no to this stuff. I’d never let Liam come anywhere near my ass, but with Logan it was a whole other world.
My ass felt intruded, and tender, and I was nervous, sure… but I liked it.
I could do it.
I relaxed, I breathed, I stared at the man sliding his fingers into my asshole.
Then slowly, thrust by thrust, circle by circle, as his knuckles worked me open, I turned into a whole other girl.
My ass fucking loved it.
“Yes!” I gasped, and started bucking back at him.
He didn’t speed up, just kept it steady, kept it deep.
“Yes!” I gasped again, and it was me bucking back harder. Me who wanted more. More. More.
I wasn’t ready for it when he dropped down and lapped at my clit. I wasn’t ready for the explosion that found me in a heartbeat, my fingers twisting into his hair and holding him tight.
“Fuck! Please! Please!”
I was a flailing fish against him, working my ass against his fingers so hard it hurt, but still, I wanted more.
I came for him, a panting, gasping wreck. I barely knew myself as my clit shot sparks right through me and my ass made the waves crash even higher.
The waves were still rippling through me when he pulled out of me and positioned himself up higher. I was barely focused as he spat onto his fingers and worked them over his cock.
It was only the very second before he thrust inside my ass that I really registered it was coming. I tensed enough to grit my teeth as he shunted deep.
My ass screamed. Hot.
My ass screamed. Tight.
My ass screamed, because it fucking hurt.
But still, it wanted more. Still, it needed more.
Still, I was begging for more.
His face was in mine, his breaths hot on my mouth as I begged him to fuck me. Little girl lost.
My tits bounced under him, clit still pulsing, and it was different. Dirtier. Filthier.
Fuck, I wanted more.
I’d never get enough of more, more, more. I’d spend a lifetime taking it, and still I’d want more.
“You’re so fucking tight,” he told me, and his smile was ferocious. “Jesus Christ, Chloe, you’re so fucking tight.”
Seeing him so horny, so lost in me, with his dick up my ass, made it bizarrely one of the greatest compliments I’d ever had.
I bucked underneath him, as best as I could. I squirmed and wriggled and moved against him, seeking him deeper, deeper. Desperate to feel him come in my ass.
He knew what I wanted. His smirk was every bit as ferocious as his smile.
“Quite the filthy little jitterbug with my cock inside you, aren’t you?”
He took hold of my wrists and pinned them high as he came, thrusting hard with every shunt of his hips. I was pinned, a toy in the chair, taking everything he wanted to give me.
My breaths were as frantic as his when he came inside me. His grunts were primal. His body was wild.
He kissed me as his cock unloaded, and I felt it – love.
Love from him.
Love for me.
Love, even in the dirty.
Love, even in the raw.
He was sheened in sweat as he collapsed onto me, my wrists still pinned up high. He kept on kissing me, kept on grinding, and my ass was throbbing sore when he pulled out. I felt like he’d bulldozed my butt with his dick, but still I was wriggling for more.
“The jitterbug jitters,” he said, and ground against my clit over again.
Fuck, I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t. I was wriggling and squeaking, my body still reeling from the last orgasm, but again, he knew my body better than I did.
Slowly.
So fucking slowly.
The rhythm was firm.
Coaxing.
My body was tingling.
Wired.
The man ground his dick against my clit until I came again, and this time I had no words, just pants, body bucking like a bronco while he was holding me firm.
“Good girl,” he said, and I unravelled.
I gave up, cresting on the heights, and he was everything. He was my whole fucking world.
I guess that’s why my mouth ran away with me. I guess that’s why I blurted the stupid unblurtable as I lay gasping for breath under the man who’d stolen it.
“I love you,” I told him. “Seriously, Logan, I love you. I love you so much, it’s unreal. So don’t ever stop this. Please, don’t ever stop this. I wouldn’t be able to breathe if you did.”
And that’s when he stilled.
That’s when he tensed and pulled his body away from mine.
Spell broken, his eyes primal in a whole other way, jaw gritted hard as his shutters came down.
“Let’s get that coffee,” he said.
34
Logan
I hated myself as I walked through to the kitchen, knowing full well I’d cut her off in a moment of expression. I couldn’t help it. My barriers were up, steel strong, emotions sealed.
She followed me through, jeans and t-shirt back on, fingers twisting in front of her in that way I knew so well. She didn’t speak, just stared, and it broke my heart to see her like that, so confused and so unsure.
I didn’t know what to say to her, so I said nothing, just flicked the kettle on and made coffee, wishing life was different, and that I hadn’t been that little boy, fighting bodily demons in the hospital ward.
I’d already handed over her mug when she cleared her throat and spoke to me. Her words were timid. Shy.
“Sorry, if I, um… said more than I should.”
I shook my head. “You didn’t.”
“Oh.” The confusion on her face deepened.
I leant against the counter, trying to find words of my own.
“You said you couldn’t breathe without me, Chloe.”
Her eyes widened. “Yeah, I meant that I was feeling it, you know?”
I did know. I was feeling it too. I was feeling that utter reliance on another person. On the happiness she gave me, and the sparkle in her smile. In her touch, in her laughter, in her warmth at night.
“Life is fragile,” I told her. “Love is fragile with it.”
“Not this love,” she said, and I fell in love with her all over again. Her honesty, her outpouring – so natural and so true. “This love isn’t fragile. I know it isn’t.”
“Life’s fragility makes all love fragile.” I sipped my coffee, soaking in her stare. “Love leads to loss. Loss leads to pain. Therefore, all love ends in pain.”
She was still confused, mulling over my words. “But love makes it
worth the pain, right? You only ever get a fall after a high.”
There it was again. That optimism. That beautiful optimism that made her who she was.
I wish I believed her.
I almost told her my truth. I almost broke down those barriers and confessed my own reality, but I didn’t. The steel didn’t bend, even though my heart was beating for it.
“You love me, right?” she asked. “You said so. And it was more than that, I felt it, too. I feel it, Logan. And it’s not me being the crazy happy girl who sings through life. It’s true, and it’s real, and I know that.”
“Chloe…” I started, but she was shaking her head.
“Don’t do the whole impractical thing. Don’t do the whole professional and age and all that, please. It doesn’t matter, and it doesn’t make any difference, and I don’t care. I don’t care that you’re older, or work with me, or think I’m better off without you. Because that’s what this is, isn’t it? You think I’m too young and too happy for you. You think I should be with someone more like me, and who will dance around with me, and be silly with me.”
The girl had astute perception, but she was wrong on the essentials. I thought she’d be better off without me because she would. She was in her twenties with her whole life ahead of her. Adventures to be had, and children running around her feet.
I wasn’t that life ahead of her. As much as I wanted to be, I couldn’t be that man.
She put down her coffee, fingers twisting fresh. She shrugged, eyes tearing up, and that hit me right in my gut.
My voice was strong when I spoke next. “I think you’re an incredible woman, Chloe. You make me happy in ways I’d have never known.”
“So, why are you so determined to throw it away, then?”
Again, I nearly told her. It was there, brewing, ready to burst out in flames, but she spoke next. It was her who shrugged her shoulders and pulled up a smile.
“Let’s live for the moment,” she said. “It doesn’t have to be about the love, or the life, or this imaginary future I’ve got in my head. Because that doesn’t matter, does it? Lightning could strike in the garden tomorrow, and I could be gone just like that, and so could you. But that just makes every single second more important, doesn’t it?”
She was wise before her years. Such a wise little soul. Such a wise little jitterbug.
She carried on before I answered her.
“We had a great day today, didn’t we? And your mum wants to go to the seaside and I really want to help take her there, and I was looking forward to being with you this weekend, and I don’t want to leave.”
She was right on all those things.
She was right that Mum wanted to go to the seaside and we had the weekend still going strong, and I was looking forward to being with her too.
My sides collided. Rationale versus heart.
The heart won.
“Yes, we had a great day today. One of the best of my life.”
Her smile was every bit as bright as I’d ever seen it.
“So, let’s have another great day tomorrow. I promise I won’t tell you I’d die without you again.” She laughed and rolled her eyes. “I’m sorry I said it. Doh.”
“It wasn’t that,” I said, but she shrugged again.
“I’m sure I’d survive.”
I didn’t answer that, just gave her a shrug to match.
She finished her coffee and made to head out of the kitchen, but I closed the distance and took her wrist, pulling her back to me.
“There’s no need for a sorry. There never is.”
Her freckles were magic under wide eyes. Her mouth was slightly open, breaths catching.
“Live in the moment with me then,” she said. “Live in the weekend with me.”
Right then, in that kitchen doorway with that beautiful creature alive in my arms, I couldn’t have done anything else if I’d tried.
35
Chloe
Logan’s ocean was as deep as I’d figured. I felt it there, calling from the darkness at the bottom, and I couldn’t work it out. Wouldn’t even know where to start.
His walls were high, and the waters were fierce, and I was still bobbing along on the surface, unsure quite how to sail.
My God, I wanted to.
I wanted to break those walls apart and dive right inside.
He held me tight in bed that night, but I couldn’t sleep. I was nervous and choppy, untangling myself from his arms slowly in fear of waking him with my jitters. I stared at the ceiling in the darkness, brain churning over like a Ferris wheel, not knowing what the hell I could say or do.
I was as quiet as I could manage when I headed to the bathroom for a middle of the night pee. The last thing I ever expected was to see the lamp shining out from Jackie’s doorframe, still slightly ajar.
I dared to poke my head around the door, to check she was ok as much as anything else, and she must have seen the movement, flicking her eyes my way and greeting me with a smile.
She tugged the oxygen mask away from her face as I approached, shuffling to sit up higher in bed and flicking off the video on her tablet.
“You’re up late,” she said, and I smiled back at her.
“Couldn’t sleep.”
“Left Logan dreaming?”
I nodded. “Yeah, he was flaked.”
“Good,” she said, and her eyes lingered on mine. “What’s up with you, sweetheart? I can see that brain stewing in that pretty head of yours.”
Part of me thought I should back away and play dumb, rather to pull her into the churn, but it was her smile, calling so loud without saying a single thing.
I pulled a chair closer to the bed and sat myself down.
“Logan is…”
She waited until I continued.
“I’m just not sure he thinks this is right, me and him, I mean.”
Her smile faded as she took a breath. “He’s got his walls up, I’m guessing.”
I nodded. “And I get it, if this isn’t right for him, or if I’m not right for him, or if I’m saying too much.”
She shook her head. “Believe me, darling, this isn’t you. It’s all on him.”
I was glad about that. I took a breath as it sank in. “He’s normally like that?”
She tipped her head from side to side. “I wouldn’t say normally. He doesn’t normally get this far, keeps everyone away with a barge pole.”
I could imagine that.
She reached for my hand and squeezed. “I told you about Evelyn? The girl he split with when he was in hospital getting treatment?”
I nodded.
“I guess he spoke to you about her?”
“A bit.”
She sighed. “He’d say it was about things getting tough and the split being the best thing for her, but that’s bullcrap. He pushed her away so hard she couldn’t stay anymore.”
“Because of the life being fragile thing?”
She nodded. “Because he thought he would leave her grieving.”
I felt the heartache down deep, even from the thought of it.
“But there would have been grief anyway. She lost him. Dying or not, she still had to let him go.”
Her eyes were sad. “He doesn’t see it like that. He sees fear in illness, devastation as people have to watch people they love ending their world.” She paused. “Like he’s watching me.”
I didn’t buy into that viewpoint. His logic was opposite to everything I’d ever felt.
“Yeah, he’s watching you die.” I hated saying those words but knew I had to. Knew that I could say them to Jackie, “Watching you, but valuing every single minute with you. Getting to share so much you want to share. Watching you live some of your craziest moments and knowing you’re having the time of your life.”
She laughed. “You’re preaching to the converted, sweetheart. I’m with you all the way. Unfortunately, Logan isn’t. He’s watched too many people die.”
“No shit,” I laughed along with her. �
��He’s surrounded by it every day of his life.”
She squeezed my hand a little tighter. “Please don’t buy into it and leave him like Evelyn did. I’ll be reaching the end soon, and I don’t want to see him fuck up his chance to live a happy life and end up alone. I promise you, darling, he is besotted with you. You make him sail the skies. I’ve never seen him so happy as he is when he’s with you.”
I felt the tears brewing in me. “I’ve never been so happy as I am when I’m with him.”
She nodded, and squeezed again. “So don’t let it go. Please, Chloe, don’t let it go. No matter how hard he tries, don’t buy into his bullshit. He’s just a pessimist, preparing everyone for the losses and not living for the blessings.”
“I won’t let it go,” I said.
“Is that a promise?”
Her eyes were deadly serious, and so was my answer.
“That’s a promise.”
The smile that came out of her at my words was enough to take my breath. She took a breath of her own, tears in her eyes, and I got a shiver down my spine, because it was beyond words and reason, the feeling I got from her in that moment.
Her breath was pure relief.
Her shoulders eased, as though she was saying goodbye to every bit of tension in her, and I felt scared and happy both at once as something changed.
I didn’t know what that something was, but I knew how important it was.
It took a little while before she spoke again, smiling a mischievous smile.
“Fancy watching some shitty gameshows with me?”
I grinned, realising just how awake I was. “Sure, I’ll watch some shitty gameshows with you. I’d love to.”
She shunted up on her bed, pulling her oxygen tubes and shifting her bed-sore donut, leaving me enough space to slip my bum alongside her and snuggle up under the duvet. She put shitty gameshows on and we high fived when we got the answers right, laughing along to the stupid presenter.
It was an incredible feeling, being so close to an incredible woman as we laughed through the early hours of Sunday morning. I barely noticed when the tiredness caught up with me and my eyes started flickering closed, barely noticed that Jackie was snoozing beside me, tablet dropped down on its side and gameshows still blurting.