by West, Jade
I fell asleep there, next to my boyfriend’s amazing dying mum. Because that’s what he was – my boyfriend. Even if he didn’t want to admit it, to himself as well as me.
I fell asleep next to my boyfriend’s amazing mum, and it was an amazing place to be.
Knowing Jackie Hall was an honour I’d never forget.
I just wished I had longer alongside her.
36
Logan
I awoke with a start to find an empty space beside me. The covers were rumpled, Chloe gone. For an awful moment I thought she may have cut and run, abandoning her live for the moment logic. But no.
I found her asleep next to Mum, slumped in bed alongside her with the oxygen machine rumbling its rumble.
It was one of the most moving sights I’d ever seen.
Mum’s tablet was dropped between them on the duvet, both of them dreaming deep. I could picture it crystal clearly, them both giggling together watching some crappy TV show through the night. Mum often did that when sleep evaded her.
I left them to it with a smile on my face and made my way downstairs in my dressing gown to start up breakfast. I was turning the bacon when my jitterbug appeared in the kitchen alongside me, still yawning from waking up.
“Have a fun night?” I asked, and a grin lit up her face.
“Gameshows.”
“I can imagine,” I said.
Yesterday evening’s conversation seemed to have no bearing on her as she stepped up closer, wrapping her arms around my waist.
“It’s going to be a sunny day,” she told me, and I could see it. The sun already promising to be in its glory. “How about we chill out in the garden with some good books? Maybe your mum could come out with us?”
I kissed her head. “Novels are a great choice for a Sunday.”
She laughed her beautiful laugh. “Super cool.”
“Indeed, Chloe. Super cool.”
She skittered back to the hallway, casting me a glance before she left. “Could I please use your excellent bookshelves as a Sunday library?”
“You are always very welcome to use my bookshelves as a library. Take your pick.”
“Thanks,” she said, and left me to it.
By the time I called her back in for breakfast she had a book under her arm, ready to roll.
All Creatures Great and Small.
“Good choice,” I said.
“What are you reading?” she asked me, and I smirked.
“As pessimistic as ever,” I told her. “Of Mice and Men.”
“Happy days,” she laughed, and it was there between us, that connection bubbling away.
We ate breakfast happily, and book chatter was lively as we recounted some of our favourites. I don’t know how neither of us had ever asked the question before when it came from her mouth, but we hadn’t.
“What’s your favourite novel of all time?”
I ate my final piece of bacon before I answered her. “It’s impossible to choose a favourite.”
She shrugged with a smile. “Sure, but… if you were being sent to an island for one hundred years and you could only take one novel with you, which one would it be?”
I met her eyes with a smile of my own. “One novel?”
She nodded. “One novel.”
I didn’t have to ponder it nearly as long as I would have expected, the answer was right there on my tongue.
“I doubt you’ll have heard of it,” I told her. “Moon Magic by Dion Fortune. She was a psychologist who turned esoteric back in the early 1900s.”
She was as pale as a ghost, sitting there open-mouthed as I began to share my knowledge, barely breathing when I paused.
“Have you heard of it?” I asked her, and she nodded, finding her voice.
“It can’t be,” she said. “No fucking way. It just can’t be.”
I pulled a face. “I know it sounds unusual for it to be of my tastes, but it’s about a doctor closed down to his emotions, pushing everything into his work.”
She was nodding. “I know, yeah. Dr Malcolm.”
“You’ve read it?” I asked, and she was still pale.
“It’s one of my favourites of all time. For real. It’s the way it’s so magic between Rupert and Lilith and the hope in his world, and how good he is as a doctor.”
I felt my whole body tense up. Because she was right. It couldn’t be. There was just no fucking way.
But it was.
And on some absurd level it did make sense, because of our shared medical passion, and the magic born out of that for the characters, and how they find something higher in essence beyond the rational world. For me it was a long shot at hope. A man experiencing what I ultimately wanted to, but never believed was possible. For her it was inspiration, buying into the story. Two completely opposing beliefs about the tale, two completely opposite viewpoints. I could see it a mile off.
We talked about it, both of us still caught up in the shock.
We talked about Rupert’s journey with himself, and him losing so much of his essence to his ill wife far away. We talked about its weaknesses, the way it was clearly dated with long outgrown cultures, and how cruddy some of those could be. Still, there was no denying it. The core of that novel had caught us both up and swept us along through its pages.
“I still can’t believe you like Dion Fortune novels,” she said with a giggle. “I’d have never bet on that in a million years.”
“Most people wouldn’t have,” I told her. “Including me.”
I was still reeling when we gave Mum her breakfast and helped her outside into the garden. I couldn’t stop looking at Chloe, sitting there on the lawn with All Creatures Great and Small in her hands, caught up in the pages.
Insanity.
The way Chloe Sutton was so polar opposite, but so in sync with my world was insanity.
Mum laughed along with us as we ate lunch, recounting tales along with Chloe while I listened. The women were an inspiring pair, both of them so in tune with their own serotonin levels that they really did put me to shame.
Sunday was slow and beautiful, every minute sinking in, glorious.
I didn’t want it to end.
Mum’s energy was gone completely long before the afternoon was done, but she was determined to stay outside with us, drifting in and out of sleep on her lounger. Chloe and I moved closer, lying together on the grass as we read, her foot brushing over and over against mine.
Once again, I could have stayed alongside her for a lifetime, but lifetimes are fleeting things.
Her hair was a ripple on the grass, and her smile was timeless and she was everything in the world I could ever have wanted. Yet, that responsibility goes both ways. You have to give in this world as much as you receive, and I would have loved to have been that man for her. I would have loved to have soared her spirit with my own.
We helped Mum into bed once dinner was finished, then headed back down to the living room to carry on reading. Our quiet was a stunning time of connection, both of us soaking in words and enjoying the companionship that a shared hobby brings.
I fucked her that night. Slowly. Quietly.
I held her in bed. Firmly. Safely.
“I’m going to say it again,” she told me, before falling asleep. “Be pessimistic all you like, but I’m going to say it all the same.” I could feel her staring up at me, even in the darkness. “I love you, Logan. Call it a moment, or call it a lifetime, I don’t care. I just want to tell you I love you. Even more so now I know the freaky shit about you having the same favourite niche little novel as I do.”
I smirked to myself, because I felt exactly the same way as she did – loving her even more after the Moon Magic revelation – and if I’d have believed in destiny, even for a fleeting moment, I’d have believed that she was mine. That some kind of universal energy had put us together, our polarities making us whole.
But I didn’t believe in destiny.
Especially not with having my dying mother in the room
next door to me, getting ready to say her goodbyes.
And most certainly not with preparing to say goodbyes of my own.
Still, I said it.
I told the truth.
I looked at that girl at my side, knowing exactly the smile she was pulling, and I gave her the tiny little utterance from my heart.
“I love you too.”
37
Chloe
We sat on the train together, but there were no novels this time, not even the pretence of getting caught up in the words. There was only us, smiling and talking. Small talk. Big talk. It didn’t make any difference, just talking to him made me tingle inside.
We walked into work, hand in hand, and this time I didn’t let him go, still squeezing tight as we headed through the double doors on Franklin Ward. Everyone smiled to see us like that, Nadia seeing us first and nudging Richard alongside her. It felt right. It felt safe. It felt real.
I was all in with this new world I was living in. My old life with Liam was nothing more than a shadow of a memory next to my life with Logan.
Liam was still pinging, screaming about my stuff at his, and I knew it needed doing. I told him I’d be over soon. Still, my mind couldn’t be on it. It was on the people on the ward, helping their journeys as best I could. It was on snippets of time with the man I loved, sharing smiles every time we crossed paths. It was on my friends on the ward – because that’s what they were now. Friends. Even Vickie on Kingsley Ward was still messaging me to keep in contact and meet up when we could.
I was always a happy person and had been forever. I’d always seen the joy in every little snapshot of life. Every smile. Every laugh. Every time you share one of those meaningful little snippets of time with someone, and know you’ll remember it forever. But this was different. Colours were deeper and those rivers of happiness were flowing faster, and every breath felt like magic.
I watched Logan on his consultations and admired the pit of his brows and the sincerity in his eyes. I saw how genuine he was when he placed his hand on other people’s and listened to their words. He was an inspiration. A man I respected with my whole heart.
I wasn’t expecting it when he came along with his briefcase as my shift reached an end. I was still staring in shock as we walked back to the train station and he took my hand to board the Redwood train – but not staring in shock as wildly as Jackie did when we walked into her bedroom together that evening.
“Chloe! On a work night! So nice to see you, sweetheart. So nice!”
It was nice to be there.
We ate dinner, and spent time doing the crossword, and Logan got her ready to sleep. She had a shine in her eyes as she wished me goodnight, and I’m sure I had one right back at her, thanking the universe for the whole lot of it. Every single bit.
Then it was us. Me and Logan.
Still, I had shivers. Nervous.
He chased those away from me as soon as his mouth pressed to mine.
I couldn’t say it, I love you, not with him kissing me so deep, right the way across the landing and through to his bed. I couldn’t tell him how I was devoted to him, every second of every day. It made no difference. I didn’t need to. My touch said it all, and so did his.
He kissed my scar, and my birthmark and ran his fingers across my skin, fascinated by every curve, every crease, every inch of me. I was just as fascinated back, fingers shaking because I was so in awe of that man. I was so in love with the imperfections that made him more perfect. The depth in his eyes took my breath. The strength in his arms made me soar.
I’d been fucked by Liam hundreds of times over the years, but it had never been anything like sex with Logan. It wasn’t just sex. It wasn’t just someone trying to shoot their load, grunting and groaning. It wasn’t just someone pounding in the dark, trying to get their dick in my mouth to come down my throat before rolling over and falling asleep.
This was making love.
He made me come gently that night, in lamplight, slow enough that I could barely take it, that slow crest and burn. He teased my whole body with his mouth until I was squirming, begging him for more.
He gave me more.
He gave me slow thrusts right inside me, then raised my legs and fucked me hard, eyes fixed on mine, waters crashing with depths I didn’t understand.
I knew what I wanted, and I guess my squirms told him so, begging quietly for more. I wanted to feel that intensity again. I wanted to feel his body pushing mine. I wanted to feel the thrill of the dirty.
He pulled out and worked my ass with his fingers first. One, then two, then three. He circled just right, until I was circling my hips along with him, my hand down between my legs, rubbing my clit nice and hard. He spat on his hand, worked his cock, then positioned himself just right. I held my breath as he pressed up to me, letting out a groan as he eased his dick inside. The stretch was incredible. Feeling my body so consumed was divine.
Ah, ah… please…
He rolled me onto my side, raising my leg up high as he fucked my ass. He held my face and pulled me to him, twisting me enough that we could kiss. Tongues and lips and teeth, breaths panting, bodies thrumming. He started grunting when he came, and I was right there with him, coaxed to the edge, his fingers between my legs and working circles along with his thrusts. I didn’t want it to end, but the peak was irresistible, both of us lost in the motions.
And lost in the love.
We lay together in the aftermath, breathing together. He was still behind me, arms wrapping me tight. I stroked his wrist, and there was so much I wanted to say. There was so much I wanted to tell him about how my world was with him, whatever he might think about it – I was his forever and ever. But he beat me to it. He beat me to it with the words.
“I wish that moments could last for all time.”
“Then they wouldn’t be as special,” I said. “But there are plenty of special ones, aren’t there? Plenty of moments you can feel again.”
He kissed my neck. “Plenty of special moments ahead for you, Chloe. You are an incredible woman with an incredible world awaiting her.”
“An incredible world with you,” I told him, and I didn’t care anymore. Not about his shutters coming down, or the depth of his ocean, because there is only truth. Regrets come from holding back, or telling lies, or living illusions. They never come from baring your soul for the creature it is.
He didn’t answer me, so I carried on.
“Why won’t you let me in, Logan? I promise I can listen, I promise I’ll do my best to understand. I know things have been tough, and I know you’ve lost a lot of people, but that doesn’t stop you loving more of them, does it? Why would it stop you loving me?”
He kissed my forehead with more tenderness than I’ve ever known.
“Let’s just live in the moment, shall we?”
I sighed and nodded. Taking my own advice as I snuggled down in his arms.
38
Logan
I adored the cycle of my days with that woman. I adored the train journeys in the morning, with her giggling her beautiful laugh as we spoke. I adored her hand in mine on the way to the hospital, and the way she’d wave in the corridor with her pretty little smile nice and bright every time we passed by.
I adored Mum’s face every time she saw Chloe along with me in the evening, and the way she’d pull her in tight for a hug.
I adored the giggles at crossword answers and how they’d gossip cute gossip when I was out of earshot, their eyes twinkling bright.
And Jesus Christ, I adored her in bed at night, her body opening up with a siren’s call, always craving more, more, more.
The girl was a wonder, more than I’d ever dreamt possible, and I almost found hope again. Almost pushed the darkness aside and told her my truth. Almost believed that my life was worth her devotion, whatever the cost of that might be.
Luckily, I didn’t.
Luckily, I held back long enough for my rationale to come to its senses.
It wa
s on Thursday evening that she came rushing up to me in the consulting room with a shine in her eyes and that trademark nervous smile on her face.
“Can I help you, Miss Sutton?” I asked with a smirk, dropping my pen onto the desk.
She scrambled into the seat opposite me, picking up that same pen and twiddling it in her fingers.
“Richard, Romi, Nadia and Soren are heading out after work tonight. Richard’s wife is pregnant and they’re going out for a drink to celebrate.”
“Excellent news,” I said. “I’ll be sure to congratulate him when I see him.”
She hovered there, eyes on mine. “Vickie from Kingsley is going too, if I go.”
I held her gaze. “I hope you have an amazing time. I imagine you aren’t joining me home tonight, don’t worry, hopefully I’ll be able to finish up the crossword with Mum without your wisdom.”
I laughed, but she didn’t laugh with me, her eyes were still fixed on mine.
“I was hoping you could come with me.”
I stopped laughing. “Come with you? Out drinking around Harrow on a Thursday evening?”
She nodded. “Yeah. It could be fun, right?”
I loved her nervous smile, freckles adorable under bright eyes.
Fun.
I was becoming ever more familiar with the concept since the Chloe whirlwind slammed into my world.
I should’ve said no, and used the opportunity to work late, or head back home and use the evening to review Mum’s medication for the millionth time. But I couldn’t. Those gorgeous eyes of hers wouldn’t let me.
I sat back in my seat and let out a breath.
“Sure, Chloe, I’ll come out drinking around Harrow with you on a Thursday evening. I’ll just have to let Olivia know we are going to be late.”
She air-punched, in that beautiful way I was becoming so familiar with.
“SUPER COOL!”
Her giggle was glorious.
She was already up and out of her seat before she spoke next, backing away to the door.