99 Days With You

by Catherine Miller

  ‘I’m going to have to look into it, but as far as I know, there are lots of jumps that take place in order to raise money for different charities, but I’m not sure if there are any charities that help people who need additional support to jump. You’re a bit young currently, but it might be able to help you in the future.’

  ‘I don’t understand.’

  ‘I’m not sure I do yet either. But I know what I need to do.’ Nathan made sure Emma was paying attention when he said it. ‘I’m going to set up a charity.’

  In the past two days he’d met two people who would love to jump, but would never be able to without help of some kind. It was something he’d spent his life doing, and as far as he was concerned, it was the most freeing sensation in the world. The wind in his hair, the butterflies in his stomach, the world whizzing past – it was a gift, and one he wanted to share. He had to see what he could do to make it a possibility, and if he were clever, he might help far more than just those two people.

  Fourteen

  Day Ten

  There was a baby crying.

  Nathan woke with a start. Normally his dreams were strangely comforting in their familiarity, but this new noise at the end sent his pulse rushing.

  The sound of crying filled his thoughts, even now he was awake. It had sparked an adrenaline rush he wasn’t expecting, as if an intruder had entered his room without invitation. What had caused the noise?

  Not quite able to get his bearings, Nathan opened his bedroom window. The hit of fresh air went some way to waking him up. Glancing along the suburban street, he tried to locate where the sound might have come from.

  There was a park further along the road, and he often saw mothers bustling along the road with their buggies, toddlers in tow. Someone must have passed by, although all he was faced with now was a resounding silence. Only the tweeting of birds and the rustle of leaves filtered through.

  Despite the stillness of the late morning, Nathan wasn’t able to shift his feeling of unease. What if that sound hadn’t been external? What if it was part of the dream? What did it mean if it was? If there was one thing the dream didn’t do, it was change.

  Nathan didn’t want to dwell on it, especially given how unsettled it was making him feel. There were only a few aspects of his life that were consistent. His dream, however weird, was one of them. This shift meant he didn’t know what to do with himself.

  The only thing he could do was believe it was a mistake. Whatever he thought he’d dreamed, he hadn’t, and he needed to distract himself.

  But even the coldest blast of water from the shower wasn’t enough to quieten his thoughts. He was stuck in a lost zone. Whereas he’d normally be getting ready for work, he was currently signed off following his recent panic attack. He’d not actually told his boss the truth about what had been the problem. When he’d phoned to check how he was, Nathan had spouted something about the hospital doctor signing him off because of low blood pressure. He wasn’t sure why he’d said that when his sick note would say different. It was most likely because he wanted to get a green light on returning to work.

  It was standard practice at his workplace that he would be subject to a medical when he returned, and it would no doubt come to light that what he’d said wasn’t true. But somehow, when his boss had asked, a fixable problem seemed a preferable excuse to give. If there were consequences to not telling the whole truth, he’d have to deal with that when it came out. There was every chance he wouldn’t be allowed to jump again.

  With a towel wrapped around his waist, it was easy to peer at the small lump that was causing him to worry. In a few short days it would be gone. The procedure had been explained to him in depth. It was going to be done under a general anaesthetic, so that if they needed to take away any more tissue, they would be able to at the same time. He’d be left with a small wound which once healed would barely be noticeable.

  Nathan got dressed quickly so he wasn’t faced with the lump any more. He needed to channel his energies into more positive things. He needed to start looking into the possibilities of his idea. His everlasting act. At least that would be a distraction of sorts.

  The drive to the skydiving centre was a welcome contrast to being stuck indoors. It was a cold day, but the skies were clear blue without a cloud in sight. There would definitely be a flight today. If he went now, he should time it just about perfectly not to bump into anyone – it wasn’t hard to work out. He’d be able to speak to the people he wanted to without getting himself in trouble.

  Knowing the charter was out made his task easy. There was only going to be one person in the building. There might be some guests, ready to watch their relatives hurl themselves out of a plane, but they would be outside at the viewing point, away from the main building.

  It was something he shouldn’t even be doing, and it might be an impossibility, but he had to scope it out to find out what the chances were. His charity idea was going to take a bit longer, but he wanted to see if he was able to organise something for Emma’s mother in the meantime.

  ‘Leanne, how are you?’ It was good to see a friendly face and fortunately he knew Leanne would help him.

  ‘OMG, Nathan, I’ve been sooo worried about you. Why haven’t you replied to my messages?’

  ‘I’ve not really messaged anyone, Leanne. I haven’t really felt up to it.’

  ‘Sorry to hear that. But does this mean you’re better? Are you back?’

  ‘Not exactly. I was hoping to see you, as I wanted to enlist your help. Any chance you can get this week’s schedule up for me?’ Nathan knew that attempting to pull off this jump would mean asking a lot of favours from his friends.

  ‘But I thought you were signed off? You’re not on any of the rotas at the moment.’ Leanne went to her computer, happy to carry out the task despite her questions.

  ‘No, I’m not due in to work yet. It’s just…’ Nathan wavered, unsure whether to say anything.

  ‘What?’ Leanne had noticed the hesitation and, in it, the opportunity to conspire.

  Nathan took the risk. ‘I’m hoping to keep it quiet – I’d rather Derek didn’t know in case he wants me back to work before I’m ready – but I’m hoping to organise something for a friend. It might need to be on the down-low.’

  He was afraid that, if Derek caught wind of him doing jumps, he would have something to say about him still being off work, even if this was a one-off.

  Leanne opened up the work rota and pressed print. ‘Why the secrecy? Although any secret of yours is safe with me.’

  ‘Are there any days Derek is out this week? If I end up doing this jump, I just don’t want him to know.’ Their boss tended to work in chunks. Living further away than anyone else, he tended to cluster his days and stay nearby, and then he went back to his family in a four-on, four-off style system. It wasn’t a work pattern he offered anyone else, but for once it might play to Nathan’s advantage.

  ‘He heads back home today,’ Leanne said.

  ‘That’s great. Is that copy for me?’ Nathan gestured towards the printer as it whirred away.

  ‘Of course. And if there’s anything Tim or I can do to help, you just let us know.’ Leanne passed him the pieces of paper.

  One rota secured. That was all he’d planned on achieving today. ‘I have a feeling I’ll be taking you up on that offer more than you can imagine.’

  Leanne raised an eyebrow. ‘Any chance you’ll give me any clues about what you’re planning?’

  ‘I really want to help someone do a skydive, but it’s an interesting set of circumstances. All I know is it feels like the right thing to do. A good deed, if you like.’ Rightly or wrongly, he’d promised Emma’s mother that he’d take her skydiving and he was determined to deliver on that promise, even if it did mean bending the rules.

  The problem was that time wasn’t on his side. Nor were medical notes. In this case he’d need to be medically certified as fit to work and Carole would need to be certified as fit to fly. They didn�
�t have the luxury of waiting for either. If it was going to happen, it needed to be sooner rather than later. He’d do it by the rule book if he thought that was an option. But the awful sense of life closing in on him was getting stronger. If anything went wrong with his surgery, he might not be in a position to take Carole for a dive. And with the hoops they would have to jump through for someone with her condition, the delay might see it never taking place. It would be a good deed with a rebellious streak down the middle.

  ‘We’re all for good deeds. It brings good karma,’ Leanne said.

  The pilot and instructors were all his friends, and he knew that if he spoke with the rest of them, somehow they would pull it off. There was every chance he may not be able to dive again, so it made little difference to him if he got into trouble, but he didn’t want to risk his friend’s jobs. If they did it, they’d have to make sure they weren’t caught.

  ‘I think I’m definitely due some good karma,’ Nathan said, but he didn’t elaborate. He was keeping his cards close to his chest. No one ever wanted to admit they’d been dealt a hand as bad as the one that he thought he was holding. He was going to carry on bluffing for as long as he could.

  Nathan’s Diary

  The problem has always been that my dream never changes. It’s the same room. The same feeling. The same knowledge that today will be the day I take my final breath.

  The repetition of the details brings it into focus – shining a beacon on the facts. There are no light-hearted dreams in-between to shift the pattern of this landscape.

  There is the odd variation, some dreams choosing to reveal more nuances than others: a book on the bedside table, a picture on the wall, a person calling for help. Then there are the consistent elements, always there: the hospital room, the oxygen mask and the sensation of life leaving my body. These are the things that never change. These are the parts I rely on. The familiarities that have made me believe this is the truth. That I have no alternative in life. I have lived all my years knowing that this one will be my last. How can it not be, when I have never dreamed of a normal life… of camping or swimming or falling in love?

  I’ve asked friends, I’ve Googled, I’ve even asked Alexa. They have all said the same thing: that while recurring dreams are not uncommon, having the same one all of your life isn’t the norm. I’m yet to find a support forum for people with the same predicament.

  That one dream.

  On repeat.

  The air leaving my lungs for the last time, almost every night.

  So how can one variation make it a totally different dream? One detail, changing it entirely?

  Hospital room.

  Struggling to breathe.

  A baby crying…

  Fifteen

  Emma

  Day Fourteen

  When Emma didn’t hear from Nathan for a whole day, she tried to pretend like she wasn’t at all worried.

  Only she was.

  It was strange how someone she had known for such a short length of time had become such a fundamental part of her existence. She’d shared more with Nathan than she had with anyone else. They might not have known each other long, but they’d already navigated more than some would do in an entire lifetime.

  She had to remind herself that it had barely been two weeks since they’d met. It was perfectly normal not to hear from him all the time. They’d not known each other long enough for this to be significant. They weren’t in a relationship; they were just friends. It wouldn’t make any difference if he were to walk out of her life as quickly as he’d wandered into it.

  Only it did matter. It had to matter.

  Emma was walking to the corner shop in a futile attempt to stop herself from worrying about Nathan and whether he was okay. And of course, that took her nearer to his house, where they’d picked up the barbeque... Would it be too much to turn up there and hope he was in? At least it would put her mind at rest over hospital admissions.

  It was silly how twenty-four little hours could seem so long. Yesterday she’d told her mum she’d taken the rest of the week off work to use up some annual leave. She’d ended up spending the day reading a book and checking her phone far too frequently. Now it was dinner time and she was far less organised than normal, as if all the rhythms of life had been knocked out of place.

  Even though Emma was supposed to be picking some bits up for tea, the pull of wanting to know that Nathan was okay made her wander down his road. Out of habit as much as hope, she checked her phone again. No new notifications. She let out a sigh so loud a few birds flew out of a nearby tree.

  The problem was that her concerns were genuine. The set of circumstances in which they’d met made anything out of the ordinary worrying.

  Emma stared at Nathan’s house for a while, deliberating whether knocking on his door was the best idea. She wasn’t sure what she’d say if one of his housemates answered. But at least they might give her some idea of where he was.

  From her pocket, Emma’s phone chirped and she almost collapsed from the joy of receiving communication. Knowing her luck it would be a weekly marketing text to try and entice her into buying pizza.

  Emma’s anxieties physically eased as she read the message from Nathan, her shoulders lowering several centimetres. Where are you?

  I’m at yours. Sorry, I should have called first, Emma replied.

  Hah, I’m at yours! I want to talk to you.

  Emma didn’t hesitate in responding: Coming!

  She scooted along the five-minute walk and managed it in three, wondering why he’d arrived unannounced and why he’d been off the radar.

  When she arrived on Timberley Drive, it was easy to pick out Nathan’s figure pressed against the garden wall of her house. As soon as he saw her, he headed in her direction.

  She wanted to make a run for him. It was pretty sad, but seeing as he was real and not ignoring her like she’d thought he might have been, she longed to carry out an unadulterated display of affection. Something stopped her though. Probably the knowledge that such an act wouldn’t be reciprocated. This was no scene from Dirty Dancing, even if she wanted it to be.

  Nathan was bouncing when he reached her, like he’d drunk far too many coffees and all the caffeine molecules were trying to escape at once.

  ‘Are you okay?’ she asked.

  ‘Yes, more than okay. I think I’ve worked it all out.’

  ‘What exactly?’ If it was the meaning of life, Emma wanted to know.

  ‘I worked out what I want to do to raise money, or at least what I want to raise money for.’

  ‘That’s great. So what is it?’ Emma wasn’t sure what to do. It was the kind of occasion where she should invite him in, but as the front room doubled as her mother’s bedroom, she didn’t have anywhere to take him for a chat other than her bedroom, and she’d never got round to inviting a man into her private space. Living with her mum meant she’d never let anyone get this close. She wasn’t about to either, so hanging round awkwardly on the pavement was going to have to suffice.

  ‘I want to make sure that anyone who wants to go skydiving can do so without hurdles getting in the way. Whether that be physical, social or financial. I want to help lessen the barriers for anyone wanting to have a go.’

  ‘That sounds amazing. I’m sure there are lots of people that would love to be given the opportunity. Do you know how you’re going to raise money for that?’ Emma had to admire his passion.

  ‘That’s what I’ve been doing today. I’ve been looking into how you go about setting up a charity and raising funds.’

  ‘Is it a possibility?’

  ‘It should be. And I’m hopeful your mum will be able to jump sooner. Do you think she’ll be able to do it tomorrow evening?’

  ‘That soon?’ Perspiration formed on Emma’s top lip at the thought. She wasn’t keeping up with Nathan’s eagerness. ‘Why so quickly?’

  Nathan placed a hand on Emma’s shoulder. ‘I’d really like to do the jump with her, and there’s ev
ery chance that when my boss hears about my panic attack, he’ll take me off the instructor team. I need to squeeze it in without him being aware of it. I only have two days before he’s back and tomorrow’s the only day I can trust everyone’s discretion and get the help we’ll need. I’m in for surgery before he goes away again and when he finds out about that I think he’ll ground me for the time being.’

  ‘Do you mean this isn’t going to be entirely above board?’

  ‘Not exactly.’

  ‘Oh.’ Emma was all for living life to the max, but she wasn’t so sure it was a good thing for it to apply to her mother as well. ‘Will she be safe?’

  ‘I would never jump with her if I had any concerns. It will be safe for her to jump tandem with her condition. And as for me, that panic attack was a one-off thing, but if I have any issues I’ll get one of my colleagues to take my place. I want to be the one to do this though. If this is going to be my last chance to jump, I want to do it as a gift to your mum.’ Nathan peered at the house. ‘And for you,’ he added.

  Emma didn’t know what to say. There were so many things going through her head. She wasn’t sure she liked the idea of it not being ‘above board’, or the thought of her mother hurtling through the air. But at the same time, if Nathan had been generous enough to organise it and it was something her mother wanted to do, who was she to stand in the way?

  ‘What do you think then?’ Nathan asked, obviously spotting the concern on Emma’s face.

  ‘It’s not my decision to make. You need to talk to my mum and see if she’s happy with this. She may have said she wanted to without realising you would really go ahead and organise something so quickly.’

  ‘Shall we go and talk to her then? Is that okay?’

  For all Emma’s hesitation, she realised it wasn’t her place to add limitations when life was doing so much of that already. If the opportunity was there, it was up to her mother whether she took it. ‘We’ll go and find out.’