99 Days With You

by Catherine Miller

  The North Sea stretched out to the horizon. It was a grey day, but with an edge of spring. Now and then, rays of sun burst stubbornly through the thick clouds to prove the next season was on its way. There was hope within that newness: the world going through its cycle of life. Last year’s brown and yellow leaves were now crushed into the soil, ready to feed and nourish another lot of growth. That was how Emma wished she could see the chemotherapy working: getting rid of the unwanted and allowing new growth to occur. But in reality, she knew it didn’t have those romantic edges. The worst was yet to come. Along with the surgery she needed, it would be some weeks yet before she made it through her winter.

  Emma paused to take in the view along the winding path towards the craggy grey cliffs letting Nathan get ahead. There were bushes and grassland all around, the green landscape dotted with purples, whites and yellows as flowers tried to make themselves known across the canvas. The wind made their petals dance against the grey, clouded backdrop. These moving bursts of colour made Emma hopeful that they’d see some puffins with the same colour contrast in their bills so she pushed on with the walk and caught up.

  It was a relief to finally get to the RSPB Bempton Cliffs reserve. Taking a deep breath, Emma was glad for an excuse to rest her weary legs a while. She didn’t like to think that she was in any way unfit (not that she exercised as much as she should), but with all the additional pressures her body was under, the walk had been enough to tire her out.

  ‘Will they be able to help us? They’ll know in the centre if there’s been any sightings today, surely?’ Emma was hopeful.

  ‘Fingers crossed. Let’s go ask.’

  In the foyer there was a large puffin statue, and they posed to take a ridiculous selfie with it. The first picture to ever exist of the two of them together – and in this new social media world, taking a photo together was a big move. Some might say monumental.

  ‘Are there any real ones about today, mate?’ Nathan spoke to the helper like they were friends from way back. It would’ve had to have been way back, seeing as the guy behind the counter was close to the eighty mark.

  ‘Let me show you the best places to look.’

  Emma browsed the shop as Nathan was shown the areas they should head to on the map. There were all sorts of trinkets and gifts they were able to purchase. An ornamental puffin was already winking at her, wanting to come home and take residence on her bookshelf.

  ‘This way. We haven’t got long before it’s too dark to see them.’

  Emma took Nathan’s proffered hand. Back outside, the light had already begun to change, the grey in the clouds signalling how they were shifting closer to the end of the day, the night sky already trying to form. They really had been late getting up and going, although all with good reason. The thought sent a warm glow through her body.

  ‘The volunteer chap said down this way we’re likely to see some. There’s a nesting couple, so hopefully one of them might be in their usual spot. He said it was a bit further to walk, but if we hurried we’d be in with a chance of seeing them.’

  The path forked off in two directions and Nathan chose the one on the right. Emma followed as they quickstepped along the pathway towards the clifftop.

  The area was an impressive expanse of land, obviously protected for all the blossoming flora it had on offer. Even without being close, Emma was able to see some of the alcoves of the cliffs further away where birds were nesting and making good for the summer. Their low-toned caws echoed as if they were all in conversation together.

  The walk along the coastal path was blustery and there were viewing points they could have stopped at along the way, but Nathan was clearly on a mission. The other birds were beautiful, most of them gannets and herring gulls, but they were not what they were here to see.

  Emma was slowing down, her mind and body tiring. Every day at the moment was a surprise, and at some point, her body was bound to go into shock. She just hoped it didn’t end up being on a clifftop where the wind was so strong it might blow her off.

  ‘Are you okay?’ Nathan asked, realising Emma was lagging behind.

  ‘Just tired. It’s been a long couple of days.’ It had been a long few weeks. And it had been quite the hike. The amount of distance they’d had to cover was deceptive, the coastline stretching out for miles.

  ‘Come here.’ Nathan turned round and lowered himself.

  At first Emma wasn’t sure what he meant.

  ‘Grab my neck.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Just do it, would you?’

  Emma was too fatigued by this point to argue. As she placed her arms around his neck, he secured her legs around his waist, pulling her up into a piggyback.

  ‘We’ve not got much further to go.’

  ‘You’d better hope so, seeing as you’re carrying me.’

  The motion of being carried was really rather rhythmic and lovely. Emma closed her eyes and rested her head on Nathan’s back and shoulders. ‘Thank you. Even if we don’t see puffins, this has been amazing.’

  Opening her eyes, she admired the view of the cliff face across the alcove and took in the wonder of being here. From her vantage point, it was hard to tell one dot of a bird from another, but there were no flashes of orange and yellow contrasting against distinctive black and white. Without the use of binoculars, the cliffs were too far away to study all of the birds nestled on its side.

  ‘Right.’ Nathan settled Emma back down onto the ground. ‘The best thing to do is lie on our fronts and watch.’

  Nathan took the binoculars from round his neck and crawled forward like he was in the army.

  The sky was growing darker now, the clouds masking any hint of blue that had been trying to break through. It was rather ominous given that they’d not been prepared enough to bring waterproof coats.

  For a moment, as Emma watched what Nathan was up to, she imagined the worst. She imagined part of the cliff side collapsing under the weight of their two bodies and the pair of them plummeting to their demise.

  ‘Are we supposed to lean over the edge like that?’ The question popped out of her mouth before she could worry about what a bore it made her sound. It was like there was a health and safety advisor parked in her head, ready to chip in about any given scenario.

  ‘The volunteer guy said to. He said this was the best way for us to get a peek.’

  Emma didn’t want to question the fact the guy hadn’t looked able to get into a position anywhere like this and that maybe he’d told them just for a laugh. It would be one way to get rid of tourists without having to intervene too heavily. It was so deserted, and the wind was so blustery, it wasn’t exactly like anyone would hear them scream.

  Emma was doing it again. She was letting her thoughts rule her actions when she should have been lying next to Nathan already.

  Not waiting for another health and safety warning to reach her consciousness, Emma crawled down onto the ground and moved so she was level with him, but not so far that she might fall off the cliff.

  The grass was coarse against her skin, and although it wasn’t wet, its coolness was making her several degrees colder than she had been before.

  ‘Do you want to have a look? I’m just going to check.’ Nathan passed the binoculars to Emma.

  Through the lenses, it was easier to get a look at the opposite cliff face. All along this coastline, the jagged cliff faces ducked in and out, creating alcoves designed by nature. It was obvious why the birds nested here, using the curves of the cliffs to find shelter from the strong winds.

  Emma used the binoculars to have a closer look at some of the nests on the opposite side. None of them contained puffins, as far as she was able to see, but it was fascinating to watch how the birds were managing to cling to the face of the cliff, withstanding the elements. It seemed like an impossible feat, and yet there they were, giving a big old middle finger to the wind and the way it tried to rile them.

  She was admiring another nest when Nathan’s arm brushed
against her as he nudged further forward. Pulling herself away from the bird vs wind spectacle, Emma moved the binoculars away to see what Nathan was up to. He now had his head and shoulders over the side of the cliff.

  ‘What are you doing?’ She wasn’t exactly in the best place to try and hold onto him if he were to fall.

  ‘Shh!’ Nathan put a finger to his lips briefly and then beckoned her over.

  Putting her head over the side of a cliff wouldn’t be her wisest move, but being sensible hadn’t exactly got her very far in life. Emma shrugged and started moving forward.

  Nathan put a finger to his lips again and then pointed down.

  Slowly, Emma edged towards the brink of the cliff, until she was able to see over the edge. It was the most precarious position she’d ever found herself in. She wasn’t one for heights – that was one of the reasons she wasn’t keen on ever doing a skydive – but it was worth being up high if it meant she’d get to see the elusive puffin. The emblem of her childhood; a symbol of her daydreams.

  And there it was.

  It was easy to spot once she’d slid herself far enough forward. There was just one, about three metres below them. It was puffed out and nestled neatly in its nest, its black back on display.

  As if it knew it was being watched, the puffin turned its head to see who was peering over. Even without the use of binoculars, Emma was able to see the curious colour of the bird’s eyes… They were dark, almost black, and rimmed with orange. It was like they were designed to make the bird stand out. As if that wasn’t enough, there were the striations on its beak, majestic now it was nearing breeding season. The black, orange and yellow stripes were such a contrast to the grey cliff side and the bird’s black-and-white markings. The puffin in real life was so much more than the logo she’d grown up with and the pictures she’d seen. It regarded Emma with the same level of curiosity it was receiving, and for a moment, they each examined the other’s appearance like they were the strangest creatures on the earth. She remained there, taking in the sight of this gorgeous, curious bird. It made her feel earthy and whole, like somehow she’d arrived at a point where she should be. A goal achieved. It was as if staring at this puffin that she’d longed her whole life to see was giving her the renewed strength she would need. The strength to recover from cancer. The strength to survive.

  ‘Wow,’ Emma managed to whisper, not quite able to voice her thoughts.

  ‘Cool, huh?’ Nathan still had his neck out, staring in the same direction she was. ‘Can I borrow the binoculars for a bit?’

  Their presence didn’t seem to be disturbing the puffin. The bird must be used to curious onlookers.

  Carefully, Emma removed the binoculars from round her neck, making sure they weren’t going to dive downwards as she passed them over to Nathan.

  The nest was so close that she hadn’t even thought to look through the binoculars. But as the puffin seemed happy about their presence, she would have a go after Nathan, getting a closer look at its unique beak and eyes. It was the only sea parrot about, and it was an honour to be up this close and experience it in its own environment. Emma knew she was truly blessed. She had achieved her everlasting act.

  Nathan passed the binoculars back to Emma as carefully as she had handed them to him. As she peered through them, it was like the bird was playing up to the moment, enjoying the fact it was being watched. In this quiet corner of Yorkshire, it was embracing its celebrity status, posing as if to make sure she was observing its best side.

  A ringing sound disturbed their bubble of mutual admiration.

  ‘Sorry. I knew I should have switched it off.’ Nathan shuffled himself back a bit so he was able to sit up and take the call.

  Only he didn’t.

  He silenced the call and went to put the phone back in his pocket.

  ‘If that’s the hospital, you need to take it.’ Emma took a last glance at her puffin and shuffled back to safety.

  ‘It was a different number. It doesn’t matter until we go back anyway.’

  Nathan was impossible at times. She wasn’t sure how to make him realise that knowing was important. If they were trying to contact him, it wouldn’t be without good reason.

  ‘You know I love you, don’t you?’

  Nathan nodded. ‘And I you.’

  ‘Can you just make sure you do everything you can to look after yourself? I’ve only just found you. I’m not ready to lose you yet.’ It was true. Everything was just beginning. It was too early to believe it might end – though with any luck it wouldn’t. With any luck, his dream really was just a dream.

  ‘I don’t want to lose you either. But I don’t want to fight a battle that I’m never going to win.’

  ‘What do you mean?’ Emma had an inkling, but she needed to be sure.

  ‘I’m not sure I want to know about treatment plans if I’ve got no hope of it actually working.’

  ‘But you don’t know that.’ Emma was failing to keep quiet. She was also failing at keeping her cool.

  Nathan’s phone rang again, as if emphasising the importance of the call.

  It was a huge temptation to take if off him and field the call herself. At least that way they’d know what was going on. Instead, she pleaded with her eyes like a helpless puppy. It was a pointless move, Emma realised. Whatever Nathan wanted to do, Nathan was going to do. In one way it angered her – his lack of consideration over how she was feeling – but at the same time, she knew that no one should sacrifice part of themselves based on the feelings of someone else. She had a certain admiration for the kind of headstrong nature he was displaying. When anyone stopped being themselves, they lost something in the act. Perhaps that had been happening with Emma all her life. By being a giving person, she’d eventually given away parts of herself. She’d lost herself in the process. But that wasn’t how it was going to be any more.

  ‘Hello.’

  She felt her heart beat in her mouth when he answered.

  ‘Monday. That’s fine.’

  Those were the only words spoken in the brief conversation.

  ‘Is everything okay? What did they say?’ Anxiety was filling the space where Emma’s heart had been.

  ‘They were just booking in my next appointment. It wasn’t ever anything to worry about.’

  But all of Emma’s worries would be concentrated on Nathan whether she wanted them to be or not. Because sometimes dreams did come true. Her night with Nathan and seeing the puffin today were proof of that. She just had to hope against hope that the only dreams that came true were the nice ones. Because in all honesty, the one dream that Nathan kept having was truly her greatest nightmare. And she didn’t want it to come to fruition. Not now. Not ever.

  Forty

  Nathan

  Day Thirty-Two

  The practice of creating everlasting acts was proving to be more fulfilling than Nathan had ever imagined, and it was catching. He wanted to do it again. And he wanted to do it before Monday. Not for distraction, but for the pleasure it would bring him.

  It could wait – of course it could. Everything could wait until another lifetime if you let it.

  But Nathan wasn’t in the habit of letting that happen. Instead, he and Emma were on the doorstep of Rudi’s flat, with Tim and Leanne waiting outside as their transport. The grey block of flats where Rudi lived reminded Nathan of why he wanted to do this. Not just what they were doing today, but way beyond that. Time and time again. He would do whatever he could to get this charity going.

  It was Rudi who opened the door.

  ‘What are you doing here?’ he said, his delight shining through his question.

  ‘Told you there was a surprise,’ said his dad, who’d wheeled up behind him in the corridor.

  Rudi looked from the new guests at his door to his dad, confusion folding his expression.

  ‘All set?’ Nathan directed the question at Tony, Rudi’s father. They’d spoken a couple of times on the phone now.

  ‘Yep, if you are.’
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  ‘Set for what?’ Rudi asked.

  ‘You might recall telling me about something you’d really love to do,’ said Nathan. Just thinking it was making him smile.

  ‘What? What is it?’

  ‘You’re too young to go skydiving out of a plane, but you’re not too young to do indoor skydiving. Reckon you’d be up for that?’

  ‘Are you serious?’ The thrill on Rudi’s face was joy itself, his gaze going from Emma and Nathan to his dad.

  ‘Of course we are,’ Emma said, her grin as bright as Rudi’s expression.

  ‘And if you’re both ready, our transport awaits.’ Nathan gestured for them all to get going.

  Rudi put his shoes on and gathered everything he needed at record-breaking speed.

  ‘This is so cool,’ Rudi declared once they were all in Tim’s minibus. Tim was in the process of setting up his own business for extreme sports, and this was the first purchase towards it. Nathan had known having a best mate with a minibus would be handy, especially when it had a wheelchair platform and access at the back. Hopefully it would be comfortable, as the indoor skydiving centre was about an hour away.

  ‘Today will be great,’ Nathan said, once they were settled and on their way. ‘But as I realise it’s not quite the same as jumping out of a plane, I’ve collected enough money for you to do the real thing once you’re old enough.’

  The charity fundraising page that Nathan had set up had received phenomenal support thanks to the power of social media. Nathan was paying for Rudi’s indoor skydiving experience, but he already knew the charity would be able to fund his outdoor experience in the future.

  ‘I get to do two lots of skydiving?’ Rudi asked, wide-eyed.

  ‘That’s the plan. Today is just a taster.’ As much as he wanted to, Nathan wasn’t going to make any promises about doing the next jump with him. At least he was able to be there today. Tim was going to go in with Rudi if he was too afraid to go it alone, and Nathan would keep Rudi’s father company. He’d love to join him, but the wound on his side was way too fresh for even daredevil Nathan to want to fly in a wind tunnel.