Captains All and Others

by W. W. Jacobs

  Mr. Higgs, jeweller, sat in the small parlour behind his shop, gazinghungrily at a supper-table which had been laid some time before. It wasa quarter to ten by the small town clock on the mantelpiece, and thejeweller rubbing his hands over the fire tried in vain to remember whatetiquette had to say about starting a meal before the arrival of anexpected guest.

  "He must be coming by the last train after all, sir," said thehousekeeper entering the room and glancing at the clock. "I supposethese London gentlemen keep such late hours they don't understand uscountry folk wanting to get to bed in decent time. You must be wantingyour supper, sir."

  Mr. Higgs sighed. "I shall be glad of my supper," he said slowly, "but Idare say our friend is hungrier still. Travelling is hungry work."

  "Perhaps he is thinking over his words for the seventh day," said thehousekeeper solemnly. "Forgetting hunger and thirst and all our poorearthly feelings in the blessedness of his work."

  "Perhaps so," assented the other, whose own earthly feelings wereparticularly strong just at that moment.

  "Brother Simpson used to forget all about meal-times when he stayedhere," said the housekeeper, clasping her hands. "He used to sit by thewindow with his eyes half-closed and shake his head at the smell fromthe kitchen and call it flesh-pots of Egypt. He said that if it wasn'tfor keeping up his strength for the work, luscious bread and fair waterwas all he wanted. I expect Brother Burge will be a similar sort ofman."

  "Brother Clark wrote and told me that he only lives for the work," saidthe jeweller, with another glance at the clock. "The chapel atClerkenwell is crowded to hear him. It's a blessed favour and privilegeto have such a selected instrument staying in the house. I'm curious tosee him; from what Brother Clark said I rather fancy that he was alittle bit wild in his younger days."

  "Hallelujah!" exclaimed the housekeeper with fervour. "I mean to thinkas he's seen the error of his ways," she added sharply, as her masterlooked up.

  "There he is," said the latter, as the bell rang.

  The housekeeper went to the side-door, and drawing back the boltadmitted the gentleman whose preaching had done so much for the smallbut select sect known as the Seventh Day Primitive Apostles. She cameback into the room followed by a tall stout man, whose upper lip andshort stubby beard streaked with grey seemed a poor match for the beadyeyes which lurked behind a pair of clumsy spectacles.

  "Brother Samuel Burge?" inquired the jeweller, rising.

  The visitor nodded, and regarding him with a smile charged withfraternal love, took his hand in a huge grip and shook it fervently.

  "I am glad to see you, Brother Higgs," he said, regarding him fondly."Oh, 'ow my eyes have yearned to be set upon you! Oh, 'ow my ears 'avelonged to hearken unto the words of your voice!"

  He breathed thickly, and taking a seat sat with his hands upon hisknees, looking at a fine piece of cold beef which the housekeeper hadjust placed upon the table.

  "Is Brother Clark well?" inquired the jeweller, placing a chair for himat the table and taking up his carving-knife.

  "Dear Brother Clark is in excellent 'ealth, I thank you," said theother, taking the proffered chair. "Oh! what a man he is; what ainstrument for good. Always stretching out them blessed hands of 'is tomake one of the fallen a Seventh Day Primitive."

  "And success attends his efforts?" said the jeweller.

  "Success, Brother!" repeated Mr. Burge, eating rapidly and gesticulatingwith his knife. "Success ain't no name for it. Why, since this day lastweek he has saved three pick-pockets, two Salvationists, one bigamistand a Roman Catholic."

  Brother Higgs murmured his admiration. "You are also a power for good,"he said wistfully. "Brother Clark tells me in his letter that yourexhortations have been abundantly blessed."

  Mr. Burge shook his head. "A lot of it falls by the wayside," he saidmodestly, "but some of it is an eye-opener to them as don't entirelyshut their ears. Only the day before yesterday I 'ad two jemmies and adark lantern sent me with a letter saying as 'ow the owner had nofurther use for 'em."

  The jeweller's eyes glistened with admiration not quite untinged withenvy. "Have you expounded the Word for long?" he inquired.

  "Six months," replied the other. "It come to me quite natural--I was onthe penitent bench on the Saturday, and the Wednesday afterwards Ipreached as good a sermon as ever I've preached in my life. BrotherClark said it took 'is breath away."

  "And he's a judge too," said the admiring jeweller.

  "Now," continued Brother Burge, helping himself plentifully to pickledwalnuts. "Now there ain't standing room in our Bethel when I'mexpounding. People come to hear me from all parts--old and young--richand poor--and the Apostles that don't come early 'ave to stand outsideand catch the crumbs I throw 'em through the winders."

  "It is enough," sighed Brother Higgs, whose own audience was frequentlycontent to be on the wrong side of the window, "it is enough to make aman vain."

  "I struggle against it, Brother," said Mr. Burge, passing his cup up forsome more tea. "I fight against it hard, but once the Evil One wasalmost too much for me; and in spite of myself, and knowing besides thatit was a plot of 'is, I nearly felt uplifted."

  Brother Higgs, passing him some more beef, pressed for details.

  "He sent me two policemen," replied the other, scowling darkly at themeanness of the trick. "One I might 'ave stood, but two come to beingpretty near too much for me. They sat under me while I gave 'em the Word'ot and strong, and the feeling I had standing up there and tellingpolicemen what they ought to do I shall never forget."

  "But why should policemen make you proud?" asked his puzzled listener.

  Mr. Burge looked puzzled in his turn. "Why, hasn't Brother Clark toldyou about me?" he inquired.

  Mr. Higgs shook his head. "He sort of--suggested that--that you had beena little bit wild before you came to us," he murmured apologetically.

  "A--little--bit--wild?" repeated Brother Burge, in horrified accents."ME? a little bit wild?"

  "No doubt he exaggerated a little," said the jeweller hurriedly. "Beingsuch a good man himself, no doubt things would seem wild to him thatwouldn't to us--to me, I mean."

  "A little bit wild," said his visitor again. "Sam Burge, the ConvertedBurglar, a little bit wild. Well, well!"

  "Converted what?" shouted the jeweller, half-rising from his chair.

  "Burglar," said the other shortly. "Why, I should think I know moreabout the inside o' gaols than anybody in England; I've pretty nearkilled three policemen, besides breaking a gent's leg and throwing afootman out of window, and then Brother Clark goes and says I've been alittle bit wild. I wonder what he would 'ave?"

  "But you--you've quite reformed now?" said the jeweller, resuming hisseat and making a great effort to hide his consternation.

  "I 'ope so," said Mr. Burge, with alarming humility; "but it's anuncertain world, and far be it from me to boast. That's why I've comehere."

  Mr. Higgs, only half-comprehending, sat back gasping.

  "If I can stand this," pursued Brother Burge, gesticulating wildly inthe direction of the shop, "if I can stand being here with all these'ere pretty little things to be 'ad for the trouble of picking of 'emup, I can stand anything. Tempt me, I says to Brother Clark. Put me inthe way o' temptation, I says. Let me see whether the Evil One or me isthe strongest; let me 'ave a good old up and down with the Powers o'Darkness, and see who wins."

  Mr. Higgs, gripping the edge of the table with both hands, gazed at thisnew Michael in speechless consternation.

  "I think I see his face now," said Brother Burge, with tenderenthusiasm. "All in a glow it was, and he patted me on the shoulder andsays, 'I'll send you on a week's mission to Duncombe,' he says, and 'youshall stop with Brother Higgs who 'as a shop full o' cunning wroughtvanities in silver and gold.'"

  "But suppose," said the jeweller, finding his voice by a great effort,"suppose victory is not given unto you."

  "It won't make any difference," replied his visitor. "Brother Clarkpromised that it shouldn't. 'If
you fall, Brother,' he says, 'we'll helpyou up again. When you are tired of sin come back to us--there's alwaysa welcome.'"

  "But--" began the dismayed jeweller.

  "We can only do our best," said Brother Burge, "the rest we must leave.I 'ave girded my loins for the fray, and taken much spiritual sustenanceon the way down from this little hymn-book."

  Mr. Higgs paid no heed. He sat marvelling over the fatuousness ofBrother Clark and trying to think of ways and means out of the dilemmainto which that gentleman's perverted enthusiasm had placed him. Hewondered whether it would be possible to induce Brother Burge to sleepelsewhere by offering to bear his hotel expenses, and at last, aftersome hesitation, broached the subject.

  "What!" exclaimed the other, pushing his plate from him and regardinghim with great severity. "Go and sleep at a hotel? After Brother Clarkhas been and took all this trouble? Why, I wouldn't think of doing sucha thing."

  "Brother Clark has no right to expose you to such a trial," said Mr.Higgs with great warmth.

  "I wonder what he'd say if he 'eard you," remarked Mr. Burge sternly."After his going and making all these arrangements, for you to try andgo and upset 'em. To ask me to shun the fight like a coward; to ask meto go and hide in the rear-ranks in a hotel with everything locked up,or a Coffer Pallis with nothing to steal."

  "I should sleep far more comfortably if I knew that you were notundergoing this tremendous strain," said the unhappy Mr. Higgs, "andbesides that, if you did give way, it would be a serious business for me--that's what I want you to look at. I am afraid that if--if unhappilyyou did fall, I couldn't prevent you."

  "I'm sure you couldn't," said the other cordially. "That's the beauty ofit; that's when the Evil One's whispers get louder and louder. Why, Icould choke you between my finger and thumb. If unfortunately my fallennature should be too strong for me, don't interfere whatever you do. Imightn't be myself."

  Mr. Higgs rose and faced him gasping.

  "Not even--call for--the police--I suppose," he jerked out.

  "That would be interfering," said Brother Burge coldly.

  The jeweller tried to think. It was past eleven. The housekeeper hadgone to spend the night with an ailing sister, and a furtive glance atBrother Burge's small shifty eyes and fat unwholesome face wassufficient to deter him from leaving him alone with his property, whilehe went to ask the police to give an eye to his house for the night.Besides, it was more than probable that Mr. Burge would decline to allowsuch a proceeding. With a growing sense of his peril he resolved to tryflattery.

  "It was a great thing for the Brethren to secure a man like you," hesaid.

  "I never thought they'd ha' done it," said Mr. Burge frankly. "I've 'adall sorts trying to convert me; crying over me and praying over me. Iremember the first dear good man that called me a lorst lamb. He didn'tsay anything else for a month."

  "So upset," hazarded the jeweller.

  "I broke his jor, pore feller," said Brother Burge, a sad but withalindulgent smile lighting up his face at the vagaries of his formercareer. "What time do you go to bed, Brother?"

  "Any time," said the other reluctantly. "I suppose you are tired withyour journey?"

  Mr. Burge assented, and rising from his chair yawned loudly andstretched himself. In the small room with his huge arms raised he lookedcolossal.

  "I suppose," said the jeweller, still seeking to re-assure himself, "Isuppose dear Brother Clark felt pretty certain of you, else he wouldn'thave sent you here?"

  "Brother Clark said 'What is a jeweller's shop compared with a 'umansoul, a priceless 'uman soul?'" replied Mr. Burge. "What is a fewgew-gaws to decorate them that perish, and make them vain, when you cometo consider the opportunity of such a trial, and the good it'll do andthe draw it'll be--if I do win--and testify to the congregation to thateffect? Why, there's sermons for a lifetime in it."

  "So there is," said the jeweller, trying to look cheerful. "You've got agood face, Brother Burge, and you'll do a lot of good by your preaching.There is honesty written in every feature."

  Mr. Burge turned and surveyed himself in the small pier-glass. "Yes," hesaid, somewhat discontentedly, "I don't look enough like a burglar tosuit some of 'em."

  "Some people are hard to please," said the other warmly.

  Mr. Burge started and eyed him thoughtfully, and then as Mr. Higgs aftersome hesitation walked into the shop to turn the gas out, stood in thedoorway watching him. A smothered sigh as he glanced round the shop borewitness to the state of his feelings.

  The jeweller hesitated again in the parlour, and then handing BrotherBurge his candle turned out the gas, and led the way slowly upstairs tothe room which had been prepared for the honoured visitor. He shookhands at the door and bade him an effusive good-night, his voicetrembling despite himself as he expressed a hope that Mr. Burge wouldsleep well. He added casually that he himself was a very light sleeper.

  To-night sleep of any kind was impossible. He had given up the frontroom to his guest, and his own window looked out on an over-growngarden. He sat trying to read, with his ears alert for the slightestsound. Brother Burge seemed to be a long time undressing. For half anhour after he had retired he could hear him moving restlessly about hisroom.

  Twelve o'clock struck from the tower of the parish church, and wasfollowed almost directly by the tall clock standing in the halldown-stairs. Scarcely had the sounds died away than a low moaning fromthe next room caused the affrighted jeweller to start from his chair andplace his ear against the wall. Two or three hollow groans came throughthe plaster, followed by ejaculations which showed clearly that BrotherBurge was at that moment engaged in a terrified combat with the Powersof Darkness to decide whether he should, or should not, rifle his host'sshop. His hands clenched and his ear pressed close to the wall, thejeweller listened to a monologue which increased in interest with everyword.

  "I tell you I won't," said the voice in the next room with a groan, "Iwon't. Get thee behind me--Get thee--No, and don't shove me over to thedoor; if you can't get behind me without doing that, stay where you are.Yes, I know it's a fortune as well as what you do; but it ain't mine."

  The listener caught his breath painfully.

  "Diamond rings," continued Brother Burge in a suffocating voice. "Stopit, I tell you. No, I won't just go and look at 'em."

  A series of groans which the jeweller noticed to his horror got weakerand weaker testified to the greatness of the temptation. He heardBrother Burge rise, and then a succession of panting snarls seemed toindicate a fierce bodily encounter.

  "I don't--want to look at 'em," said Brother Burge in an exhaustedvoice. "What's--the good of--looking at 'em? It's like you, you knowdiamonds are my weakness. What does it matter if he is asleep? What's myknife got to do with you?"

  Brother Higgs reeled back and a mist passed before his eyes. He came tohimself at the sound of a door opening, and impelled with a vague ideaof defending his property, snatched up his candle and looked out on tothe landing.

  The light fell on Brother Burge, fully dressed and holding his boots inhis hand. For a moment they gazed at each other in silence; then thejeweller found his voice.

  "I thought you were ill, Brother," he faltered.

  An ugly scowl lit up the other's features. "Don't you tell me any ofyour lies," he said fiercely. "You're watching me; that's what you'redoing. Spying on me."

  "I thought that you were being tempted," confessed the trembling Mr.Higgs.

  An expression of satisfaction which he strove to suppress appeared onMr. Burge's face.

  "So I was," he said sternly. "So I was; but that's my business. I don'twant your assistance; I can fight my own battles. You go to bed--I'mgoing to tell the congregation I won the fight single-'anded."

  "So you have, Brother," said the other eagerly; "but it's doing me goodto see it. It's a lesson to me; a lesson to all of us the way youwrestled."

  "I thought you was asleep," growled Brother Burge, turning back to hisroom and speaking over his shoulder. "You get back to bed;
the fightain't half over yet. Get back to bed and keep quiet."

  The door closed behind him, and Mr. Higgs, still trembling, regained hisroom and looked in agony at the clock. It was only half-past twelve andthe sun did not rise until six. He sat and shivered until a secondinstalment of groans in the next room brought him in desperation to hisfeet.

  Brother Burge was in the toils again, and the jeweller despite his fearscould not help realizing what a sensation the story of his temptationwould create. Brother Burge was now going round and round his room likean animal in a cage, and sounds as of a soul wrought almost beyondendurance smote upon the listener's quivering ear. Then there was a longsilence more alarming even than the noise of the conflict. Had BrotherBurge won, and was he now sleeping the sleep of the righteous, or----Mr. Higgs shivered and put his other ear to the wall. Then he heard hisguest move stealthily across the floor; the boards creaked and thehandle of the door turned.

  Mr. Higgs started, and with a sudden flash of courage born of anger anddesperation seized a small brass poker from the fire-place, and takingthe candle in his other hand went out on to the landing again. BrotherBurge was closing his door softly, and his face when he turned it uponthe jeweller was terrible in its wrath. His small eyes snapped withfury, and his huge hands opened and shut convulsively.

  "What, agin!" he said in a low growl. "After all I told you!"

  Mr. Higgs backed slowly as he advanced.

  "No noise," said Mr. Burge in a dreadful whisper. "One scream and I'll--What were you going to do with that poker?"

  He took a stealthy step forward.

  "I--I," began the jeweller. His voice failed him. "Burglars," hemouthed, "downstairs."

  "What?" said the other, pausing.

  Mr. Higgs threw truth to the winds. "I heard them in the shop," he said,recovering, "that's why I took up the poker. Can't you hear them?"

  Mr. Burge listened for the fraction of a second. "Nonsense," he saidhuskily.

  "I heard them talking," said the other recklessly. "Let's go down andcall the police."

  "Call 'em from the winder," said Brother Burge, backing with some haste,"they might 'ave pistols or something, and they're ugly customers whenthey're disturbed."

  He stood with strained face listening.

  "Here they come," whispered the jeweller with a sudden movement ofalarm.

  Brother Burge turned, and bolting into his room clapped the door to andlocked it. The jeweller stood dumbfounded on the landing; then he heardthe window go up and the voice of Brother Burge, much strengthened bythe religious exercises of the past six months, bellowing lustily forthe police.

  For a few seconds Mr. Higgs stood listening and wondering whatexplanation he should give. Still thinking, he ran downstairs, and,throwing open the pantry window, unlocked the door leading into the shopand scattered a few of his cherished possessions about the floor. By thetime he had done this, people were already beating upon the street-doorand exchanging hurried remarks with Mr. Burge at the window above. Thejeweller shot back the bolts, and half-a-dozen neighbours, headed by thebutcher opposite, clad in his nightgown and armed with a cleaver, burstinto the passage. A constable came running up just as the pallid face ofBrother Burge peered over the balusters. The constable went upstairsthree at a time, and twisting his hand in the ex-burglar's neck-clothbore him backwards.

  "I've got one," he shouted. "Come up and hold him while I look round."

  The butcher was beside him in a moment; Brother Burge struggling wildly,called loudly upon the name of Brother Higgs.

  "That's all right, constable," said the latter, "that's a friend ofmine."

  "Friend o' yours, sir?" said the disappointed officer, still holdinghim.

  The jeweller nodded. "Mr. Samuel Burge the Converted Burglar," he saidmechanically.

  "Conver----" gasped the astonished constable. "Converted burglar? Here!"

  "He is a preacher now," added Mr. Higgs.

  "Preacher?" retorted the constable. "Why it's as plain as a pikestaff.Confederates: his part was to go down and let 'em in."

  Mr. Burge raised a piteous outcry. "I hope you may be forgiven for themwords," he cried piously.

  "What time did you go up to bed?" pursued the constable.

  "About half-past eleven," replied Mr. Higgs.

  The other grunted with satisfaction. "And he's fully dressed, with hisboots off," he remarked. "Did you hear him go out of his room at all?"

  "He did go out," said the jeweller truth-fully, "but----"

  "I thought so," said the constable, turning to his prisoner withaffectionate solicitude. "Now you come along o' me. Come quietly,because it'll be the best for you in the end."

  "You won't get your skull split open then," added the butcher, toyingwith his cleaver.

  The jeweller hesitated. He had no desire to be left alone with Mr. Burgeagain; and a sense of humour, which many years' association with thePrimitive Apostles had not quite eradicated, strove for hearing.

  "Think of the sermon it'll make," he said encouragingly to the franticMr. Burge, "think of the congregation!"

  Brother Burge replied in language which he had not used in public sincehe had joined the Apostles. The butcher and another man stood guard overhim while the constable searched the premises and made all secure again.Then with a final appeal to Mr. Higgs who was keeping in the background,he was pitched to the police-station by the energetic constable and fivezealous assistants.

  A diffidence, natural in the circumstances, prevented him from narratingthe story of his temptation to the magistrates next morning, and Mr.Higgs was equally reticent. He was put back while the policecommunicated with London, and in the meantime Brother Clark and a bandof Apostles flanked down to his support.

  On his second appearance before the magistrates he was confronted withhis past; and his past to the great astonishment of the Brethren beingfree from all blemish with the solitary exception of fourteen days forstealing milk-cans, he was discharged with a caution. The disillusionedPrimitive Apostles also gave him his freedom.

  THE MADNESS OF MR. LISTER