Just for Now

by Victoria Benson

  After a while, he asked “Are you happy about moving to South Carolina soon? Aren’t you going to miss all of this?”

  I couldn’t even imagine moving away in that moment. How could I think about that? I was loving that minute of my life. I loved being right there.

  I could not believe tears formed in my eyes. I tried to hide it from Kieron but when I blinked, they ran down my cheeks and dropped onto his arm.

  To this point, I hadn’t let myself spend any time thinking about what I was going to be leaving behind in Idaho. I hadn’t thought about my parents, my brother, my friends, or my surroundings; and I hadn’t thought about leaving Kieron. I hadn’t thought about how that part of my life was about to be over forever. Until then, when I thought about going to school, I thought about what I was going to, not what I was leaving behind.

  He softly said, “Why are you crying?” He shifted and pulled me around so I was facing him. “Why are you crying?” he asked again. I was crying a bit harder. “Tell me,” he insisted, but I couldn’t speak.

  Kieron kissed me on the cheek and I pressed my face against his lips. Then, I turned back around and settled back into his arms. After a few minutes, while looking into the fire again, I was able to speak. I told him all of the things I had been thinking. I said, “Kieron, I don’t think about leaving. I don’t think about who and what I’m leaving behind. I only think about what I’m going to and what is ahead of me.”

  He let me relax for a little while before he asked me his next burning question.

  “What’s going to happen with us?”

  I felt his grip tighten. I wasn’t crying anymore. Before I answered though, I rolled to my side and buried my face in his chest so his shirt could absorb the tears that remained from his first question. With my face still pressing into his chest, I responded, “What do you see happening Kieron? Do you think we can stay together with three thousand miles between us?”

  He was quiet.

  I looked him right in the eyes. I turned my body more so I could straddle his lap, and he sat up closer to me. I had never been in that position with anyone! I wasn’t even thinking. I grabbed his hands and held them against my chest. I was trying to form coherent words.

  I said to him, “This feeling right here is the reason I have never dated anyone before you. I knew this moment would come. People think I’m a prude, or a snob, or too good for anyone. People who don’t know me very well think I’m crazy and unrealistic because I don’t even kiss guys I go out with. To me, a kiss will form a bond between me and someone that will hurt when it’s broken. This is why I am the way I am. I have always been terrified that I would fall in love with someone who wasn’t going to be with me forever. And now I have. I love every minute with you. I love playing with you. I love talking with you, sitting with you, and just having your arms around me. But reality is catching up with us fast. This will end soon. We can stay together as long as you want, but you have to make that decision knowing that I’m not changing, I’m not going to be making out with you, and I will be leaving in four weeks. I’ll see you during holidays, Thanksgiving and Christmas, if you want, but this is all I have to offer.”

  My tears were gone. I was feeling strong, but very curious. I was still looking right into his eyes trying to figure out what he was going to say to me. I rested my forehead on his chest again. He pulled my face up gently by my chin. This time he was looking at me. He pulled the bandana off my head and fluffed my hair. His hands were placed on either side of my head. I could feel his breath on my face. He pulled me close and kissed me so softly on each cheek.

  “Let’s enjoy the next four weeks, then decide in November if we want to see each other over break. After that, let’s decide in December if we want to see each other over Christmas break. Let’s just be here now and forget about tomorrow or the next day. Let’s put this fire out and go snuggle down in our TWO sleeping bags and play some cards.” He wrapped his arms around me and hugged me so tightly I was sure he could feel my heart pounding. I could feel myself wanting this relationship.

  I thanked God for him, and I thanked God that Kieron could make me laugh even in that scary moment. That was the first time I had to face a boyfriend with my beliefs. Kieron handled it, no, Kieron handled me perfectly.

  Later as we were falling asleep, Kieron put his hand on my back just below my neck and he rubbed me very slowly. I looked at him and scooted as close to him as I could. I closed my eyes. I knew he was telling me he liked me just the way I was.

  I thought, he sure is going to make someone very happy someday.

  Chapter 7

  The summer flew by too quickly. August and my time to leave snuck up on both of us. Kieron and I said our goodbyes a week before I left so when I went to the airport, I could look forward to my next adventure. He and I decided that trying to continue dating didn’t make any sense. We were both sad, but agreed that we’d stay in touch and see how we felt at Thanksgiving Break. We both knew we’d just be friends by then, but neither of us needed to say that out loud.

  I was leaving for school a few weeks before classes started. My family and I were going to make a vacation of the trip, then my parents would be returning home once I was moved into my dorm.

  The night before I left, my phone rang around seven o’clock. It was Ethan. My hand started shaking. I was shocked. I took a deep breath and answered it casually.

  “Hi Ethan, what’s up?”

  “You leave tomorrow?”

  “Yes, tomorrow afternoon. How’d you know?”

  “Kieron was over the other day and told me.”

  “You’re in town? When did you come to town? Why didn’t you call? You always call me when you come home.”

  Strangely, I felt like Ethan was mine and I was stunned he hadn’t called me.

  “I got home a few days ago, and I am calling now.”

  “Yeah, but you usually call me when you get home or when you are on your way home so I can see you,” I said.

  “Tonight is the first time I’ve been alone since I got to town. I wanted to wait to call you when I had time to spend with just you.”

  Instantly, I got so excited I was having a hard time breathing again. I was processing our conversation and what he just said to me. I calmed myself down. We’re friends. We’ve been friends for several years. He’s made that clear. I need to not read too much into what he says to me. I’ll only set myself up to be hurt.

  “So tonight is the first time you’re alone. Well, I wish I had known you were home sooner, but I’m glad you called. When do you go back to New York? If you’ve been home for a few days, you must be leaving again soon.”

  “I leave the day after tomorrow, on Sunday. I’ve got to get back for training and then prep for classes to start.”

  “You don’t spend much time here anymore do you? I guess this is your life for at least another six years though. Did you just call to say goodbye Ethan?” I was chattering nervously.

  “No, I called to see if you wanted meet for coffee or something.” His voice was smooth and relaxed.

  “Sure, I’d love to.” I was trying desperately to be cool.

  We decided to meet at the locals’ favorite coffee and ice cream shop in town. It was located near the marina on the waterfront. Neither of us had any reservations about meeting there. Our families are friends, and he and my brother have been best friends since we moved to Ponderosa, so no one would think anything was strange about him and me being together.

  Ethan arrived first because he lives very close to town. Since his house is on the lake, he just has to follow the road that encircles it and he is in town. My family lives in a small cabin off the main highway up in the mountains. It took me a bit longer to get there.

  I street parked a block away so I could walk and hopefully calm myself before arriving. When I rounded the corner, I saw Ethan standing outside waiting for me. We smiled, waved, and walked toward one another. The standard hug was exchanged and he placed his hand on my lower back
to escort me into the cafe.

  After surprising Ethan by ordering a water and a cup of ice cream, we chose a table on the lakeside of the shop so we could enjoy the evening breeze blowing off the water.

  Our conversation was as if we were two high school friends catching up on each other’s lives, which we were I guess. We chatted about his schedule each day at school. Then we talked about what my life might be like when I start school. I told him the things I was afraid of or worried about. We talked about roommates. We talked about where we saw ourselves in ten years. Two hours passed by quickly. Sitting and talking with him seemed like a normal part of my life.

  The shop had closed and only light that illuminated our surroundings was the glow from the docks of the marina.

  “Let’s go,” he said.

  I assumed the evening was over and although a bit disappointed, I was happy to have had time with him alone. The last time we were alone together, he was declaring his love for Hannah. However, this conversation was much more like the one we had the night before he left to go to the military academy two years prior. I liked that feeling much more, of course.

  “Okay. It was great seeing you Ethan. Thanks for spending time with me without a crowd gathered around. It’s so nice to just be able to relax hear about your life. Now I don’t have to wonder so much about what a normal day looks like for you. I can imagine the real thing. Maybe sometime you can come visit me in Charleston and see what it’s like there. You’d love it. You know I’m going there because I grew up vacationing there with my family. I can show you around. Okay, I’ll stop nervous talking now.”

  “Are you sure?” he said sarcastically with a breathy chuckle.

  “Yes, I’m sure. Have a good trip back to school.”

  “Evi, when I said ‘Let’s go’ I didn’t mean the evening was over. I’m just tired of sitting here. Let’s go to my house and hang out there a little bit longer.”

  “Oh! Sounds great,” I replied feeling surprised. Then I added, “I’d love to. I’ll meet you at your house.”

  “Where’d you park. I’ll drive you to your car,” he offered.

  I thought to excuse him from such chivalry, but I didn’t bother. I simply pointed and mentioned the street where I had left my car. Again, Ethan placed his hand on my back to point me in the direction of his car. I tried not to read too much into his touch as I proceeded.

  Not much was said in during the forty-five seconds we shared in route up the small hill to my parking spot. I got out, told him I’d see him in a few minutes, and I got in my car.

  As I drove to his house, I couldn’t help but wonder why he had all this time alone to be with me. Where was Hannah? Where were his parents and Brody? Then, reason took control. I said out loud, “We are just friends, don’t think too much right now.”

  When we got to Ethan’s house, I watched him jump out of his car and run inside. When I saw how fast he was moving, I slowed my pace. I assumed we were going to be sitting by the fire in the back. Sure enough, Ethan came back out the front door with a blanket.

  Walking to me, he said, “Come on Evi.”

  He took me by the hand and pulled. We walked through his gate to the backyard. What shocked me was that he didn’t stop us at the fire pit, instead, he led me to the edge of the yard to the trees. I wasn’t thrilled to have to traverse that steep hillside, but I didn’t complain. It was a perfect night to sit by the water. Ethan and I slipped our way down the hill to the beach.

  “Are your parents ever going to build steps!? I am seriously going to fall down this mountainside one day!”

  “My parents like the natural look.”

  “Doesn’t your mom worry about coming down here?”

  “She uses the neighbor’s steps when she comes down to the dock or the beach,” he replied casually smiling.

  “Ah! Now that makes a lot more sense. Smart woman! I wish you would have told me about the neighbor’s steps.”

  “Nah, it’s way more fun watching you fall on your butt every few seconds. You do know you are the only person who can’t seem to navigate this path without falling right?”

  “Well first, there is no path! And second, thank you for that information. I was certainly not aware of that, but also not surprised. Please do realize I am wearing flip flops though, not hiking boots.”

  Ethan had pretty much just carried me in one hand and the blanket in the other all the way down their little mountainside. He never missed a step. Ethan is very strong. Being a cadet in the army hasn’t changed him. The military is really taking all of his best traits and building them up. He’s six feet tall and very muscular. He has dark brown hair and gray-blue eyes. Ethan is calm and thoughtful. He doesn’t seem to have any unreasonable reflexes. Everything he does is with thought and intention. He’s so level headed.

  I guess I’m pretty calm too. I can hit an explosive point, but it takes a lot to get me there. I’m all reaction when I’m really angry, sort of like a firecracker. We have our similarities and our differences.

  We stepped out of the trees onto the white sand. Without hesitation or thought, I kicked my flip flops off flinging them as far as I could down the beach. He laughed and rolled his eyes at me.

  “I’ll find ‘em later,” I said to Ethan laughing. “I just love being barefoot in the sand!”

  I ran in little circles scrubbing my feet deep into the cool sand. While twisting and grinding my heels in too, I said, “This is by far the best way to exfoliate for your feet Ethan! It feels so good. You should try it.”

  He responded while laughing, “Uh, I like my feet just the way they are thanks. No exfoliation needed at this time.”

  I laughed at him and stopped digging with my heels.

  “The air feels amazing tonight,” I said as I raised my hands out by my sides, closed my eyes and turned my face towards the water to feel the fresh air brushing my skin. “Aaaaaahhh…”

  I snapped my eyes open, lowered my hands and looked at Ethan. “Don’t you feel like you’re in Heaven?” I asked him. “Lake Everclear, like Heaven on Earth!” I said.

  Ethan smiled and shook his head. He was silent. He bent down and took his shoes off too. He was so calm. How does he stay so calm? He was still smiling at me, probably thinking, “She’s such a child!” I didn’t really care what he was thinking. I was just happy to be there and to be there with him.

  There were two lounge chairs on the beach. “Do you want to walk or sit?” he asked pointing to the chairs.

  I replied, “I just want to sit, but not in the chairs. You brought a blanket. Let’s lay it out on the sand and sit on the ground.”

  It was around 9:30 now and the sun had gone behind the mountains. The sky was grayish. The color right before darkness takes over. I didn’t have anything that I wanted to say to him. In the back of my mind I was very curious about why he was here with me and why he wasn’t with Hannah if he was going to be leaving again on Sunday. To remain calm, I let our brothers’ words ring through my ears, “Evi, he’s only nice to you because he’s your friend.” Okay, got it Jarren, got it Brody.

  Ethan and I sat down on the blanket with only a few inches separating us. I had my legs crossed in front of me and was leaning back on my hands, letting the wind blow my hair off of my neck. He had his knees up with his hands grasped around them. I could feel him looking over at me every few seconds.

  Finally, without looking at him, I spoke first, “I’m okay just sitting here for a while not talking if that’s okay with you.”

  “Sure,” he replied.

  I turned over onto my hands and knees and starting smoothing the sand out under the blanket. I was making a very slight ditch. He was watching me. Then, using the blanket, I starting making a small pile of sand underneath that I would use for a pillow.

  “What are you doing!?” he asked me in a tone that was to let me know I was crazy.

  “I’m getting comfortable. I decided I don’t want to sit. My back will hurt. I want a comfy bed if we’re going to b
e here a while.”

  “Evi, I’ve lived in this house my whole life and no one has ever done this down here on the beach.”

  “Well, you have not had very smart people over then have you?” I said. He laughed out loud. “So are you going to try it?” I asked him.

  “No, not this time. I can get comfortable anywhere after how I’ve been living for the past two years.”

  “Suit yourself.”

  I lay back into my little ditch. I pulled my hair up off of my back and neck draping it above me. Almost as soon as I placed my head on my little sand pillow. Ethan was lying beside me. We both relaxed peacefully and stared at the sky.

  “Don’t let me fall asleep Ethan. I have a big day tomorrow.”

  “I won’t.”

  After a few quiet minutes, he turned onto his side facing me and propped his head in his right hand. He placed his left hand on the blanket by his stomach. I knew he must have something that he was dying to say so I turned my head to look over at him. Quietly, I then rolled onto my side so I could face him.

  He didn’t speak though. He just continued looking at me. I was looking at his hand as it rested on the blanket. That was easier than trying to look him in the eyes.

  My nerves were beginning to activate. Up to that moment, Ethan and I were just two friends talking, walking, goofing around, having ice cream, whatever, but he changed. He looked serious.

  I watched him stretch out his right arm and lay his head on his upper arm. Then, he put his hand in my hair. With his left hand, he reached across my waist and scooted closer to me. He was lying right next to me. His entire body from his head to his feet was right next to me. His face was inches from mine. I could smell him, feel his exhales, feel his muscles, everything.