Just for Now

by Victoria Benson

  “Where should we go then?” he asked.

  I responded right away, “Sullivan’s Island. There’s a quiet beach there with places to eat, and a fort, and a museum. I’d love to show you that part of the area. I’ve been there more times than I can count with my family. I love it there. I know you will too.”

  “Okay, Folly some other time?”

  “Sure babe,” I raised my eyebrows and nodded trying to hide my discomfort.

  The soldier emerged and we were dressed, fed and at my car by eight-thirty Saturday morning.

  Ethan absorbed every image, scene, and landscape as I drove us out of town. Taking him over the Cooper River Bridge and out to Sullivan’s Island for the first time was invigorating. The entire drive was refreshing. I didn’t want to say this to Ethan, but I was convinced I was born to live by the ocean. There is no feeling like being in the mountains, they are beautiful, but I was really becoming accustomed to the smells of the marsh, the salty air and the expanse of the seemingly endless ocean.

  The weather was perfect and we were anxious to be outside so we toured Fort Moultrie first. It captivated Ethan and held his attention. After wandering through the Fort, we walked across the street to the museum. Most of my time was spent lingering, watching him, or looking at exhibits. Ethan studied.

  My dad is a high school History teacher and my mom teaches middle school English, so I had read the placards many times. I made a mental note to take Ethan to Fort Sumter as well.

  The war history and the history of South Carolina in general was fascinating to him. I broke his concentration and asked, “Now do you see why I love it here and why I wanted to come to school here?”

  He half smiled, “Yeah, I do. You get to have three more years of this. I’m jealous.”

  I think Ethan was realizing, from a different perspective, what he had given up by making a commitment to the military. He had lost the freedom of a ‘civilian’ college experience, the freedom to sleep late, the freedom to go to the beach anytime he wanted. He had given up so much for his family and soon our country. Ethan’s third year was a month from ending and he only had one more year of school. He was bound to his commitment for at least another five years after that. I stopped to wonder where I fit into all of it. I was reminded, he didn’t belong to me.

  The melancholy thoughts were erased, and I cheerfully said, “Let’s go back outside. There’s a path leading out onto the beach. We can go for another walk. Hey! I don’t even have to fall down a wooded mountainside to get to this beach!”

  Ethan laughed out loud, “Ah! I totally forgot about that. I still can’t figure out why you can’t walk down that tiny hill.”

  “Kieron suggested I try skiing down it. He figured I’d be safer on skis.”

  Ethan replied, “That’s hilarious. He’s a smart guy underneath all of his crazy.”

  A curiosity must have been triggered, because as we walked towards the beach Ethan asked, “How did things go when you two dated last summer?”

  The question didn’t seem odd to me at the time. I answered, “Fine. No, good. It was good. We’ve been friends for so long though that dating wasn’t ever going to go anywhere serious for us. We played and camped. The usual.”

  “You guys went camping? Alone? In the woods? Just the two of you?”

  “So many questions!” I repeated Kieron’s words to Ethan from the last summer and laughed at him before answering. “Yes, I figured he would’ve told you. It was no big deal.” I looked at Ethan and his expression screamed that he wanted to know more so I added, “It was no big deal Ethan.” I repeated, “We… camped.”

  “So where’d y’all sleep?” I noted his discomfort.

  “In a tent!” I was laughing so hard in my head and I knew my face had to show my hysteria. The conversation was exactly the same as the one I had with Kieron on the topic.

  “One tent?” he asked with concern.

  “Yes, one tent!” I yelled back.

  “So you both slept in one tent? Together? For an entire weekend?” Ethan’s voice was raised an octave with a hint of panic in it.

  “Well, several weekends actually.”

  “What?!”

  “Yes, several weekends…” I paused, “but two sleeping bags in case you’re going to ask that next. I did!” I sort of screamed a laugh.

  “What?”

  “Yeah, I asked Kieron if he at least planned on us taking two sleeping bags. He assured me that he was not… oh how did he say it… ‘out to steal my virtue’ I think is what he said.” Ethan laughed out loud now too.

  “So you never kissed him either?” Ethan asked.

  “Um, no, not really Ethan, only you.” I paused and made a curious expression. “Wait a minute, what do you mean by ‘either’ Ethan?”

  “What do you mean by ‘not really’ Evi?” He raised his eyebrows and made the same curious expression back to me.

  I jumped right into the conversation we should be having. I informed him, “I mean that I didn’t really kiss Clark.”

  “Evi, you either did or you didn’t.”

  “Mmm… no, there’s an in between. My answer is still not really. You are still my only one.” I was trying to lighten his mood, but he was serious. I took a few seconds to read him. He was silent. He turned and looked away. I knew it was time to tell him the truth about my relationship with Clark.

  “Let’s take our shoes off and walk in the water,” I said to him.

  “No, I’d rather sit and relax.”

  The temperature was in the low eighties on the beach and the wind was blowing enough to make Ethan’s untucked, button down, shirt fill with air. He was looking out towards the ocean with his hands in his pockets. I could tell he was thinking, wondering and imagining. I couldn’t tell if he was worried though.

  “Okay, let’s sit then.”

  We sat.

  I began, “Ethan, I know you know who Clark is. I don’t know how you know, but you do. I want to tell you about him.”

  “I don’t really want to hear it Evi or talk about it. I think I have all the information I need, and I probably know more than I should. You had every right to date someone, anyone. As to be expected, you dated a guy. He’s still hung up on you. He’ll get over it. The end.”

  “Okay,” I said simply, but I still wanted to tell my side of the story, and I felt like Ethan was robbing me of that. I wanted to tell him because I had no idea what Clark had told him. So, I persisted. “Will you at least listen while I tell you a little bit about the few weeks we dated?”

  “No Evi. I really don’t want to hear about or talk about you spending time with another guy. You are with me now. You and I, we are meant to be. I don’t need to think about you dating anyone else. It’s irrelevant.”

  I respected his request and didn’t say anything else. I wanted him to know that I had nothing to hide, but I restrained. I nodded and looked at the waves rolling onto the beach.

  After a few moments, to my surprise, he asked, “I do have one question though. Will you answer me truthfully?”

  “Of course Ethan, what is it?”

  “Did you love him? I mean really love him? You said you two only went out for few weeks. Right? I want to hear the truth.”

  This was not the question I wanted to hear. Okay, be honest, be honest. I searched my thoughts and emotions and answered.

  “I hope this doesn’t make you angry, but yes, I did really fall in love with him.” Then I continued, “But it faded very quickly. No matter how hard I tried to commit to Clark, I couldn’t because you are the only person I truly love. You are the one I have truly loved with all of my heart, since I was fifteen, for almost four years, etcetera, etcetera.” I was trying to break the tension.

  “For four years?” he asked seeming very surprised. “Four years Evi?”

  “Yes Ethan. I’ve been in love with you for almost four years. I thought you knew that.”

  “No, I didn’t know that!”

  “Don’t be mad, but, when
we were sophomores, Brody told me that you said you want to marry me someday. I have held onto to those words for dear life since I was fifteen. That’s why you going back to Hannah was so difficult for me. You have no idea how seriously hurt I was when I found out that you two got back together a couple of years ago. I was able to act like I didn’t care, and after a while, maybe I didn’t care as much anymore, but I was really devastated and felt betrayed for a long time. Brody stayed by me though. He was always rescuing me from my emotions and protecting me from myself.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  I think I struck a nerve by bringing his brother into the conversation. I didn’t have anything more to offer though, so I looked at him and shrugged my shoulders.

  “Evi, that morning when I surprised everyone coming home for Spring Break, I saw Brody grab you and kiss you. I saw his reaction to you and Kieron holding hands. I saw the way he looked at us on the beach the night before you left to come here. I can’t even count the times I’ve seen you draped over his back asleep in our basement. Tell me, do I need to be worried?”

  “Everything you mentioned was all about you and my feelings for you. Brody grabbed me and took me to your basement so no one would see me cry over Hannah showing up. He begged me not to date Kieron because he knew how I felt about you. His expression that night on the beach, I guess was one of shock. He was probably mad at you because you still had a girlfriend. Finally, as for sleeping on his back, I don’t know. I think Brody loves you so much that he protects me for you. He’s just another brother to me.”

  Although, his eyes looked like they were focused on his hands, I could tell Ethan was picturing Brody in his mind. “So he keeps you close too huh?” he mumbled with a half smile.

  I smiled.

  “Evi, deep down I knew you probably liked me, but since I was leaving and you were still in high school, I just figured there was no point in us dating. I really don’t think I would have ever gone back to Hannah if I had any idea how much you truly cared about me.”

  I felt like I was punched in the gut. Had we wasted the past four years? Why did he have to wait so long to come for me? I placed my chin on my shoulder and looked down the beach to my right. I stared into the distance imagining how different my life, our lives, would have been if we had been together those past few years.

  “Ethan, can we just be done with this conversation? I can’t dwell on what could have been if you weren’t with Hannah, or if I would have been brave enough to tell you how I felt about you years ago. Thinking about you and Hannah carries me backwards. I feel like this is our life now. Let’s just appreciate that we’ve been blessed to be friends these past several years, and now we can focus on being us! I already feel like nothing can ever come between us.”

  “Yeah. Okay. But please know, I believe you about Clark… and Kieron… and Brody. I trust you Evi.”

  Offering a very soft smile, I said, “I love you Ethan.”

  “Oh! I love you too Everclear, probably more than you know.” He leaned over and softly kissed my cheek.

  God I love the sound of his voice. I hooked my arm under his and leaned my head onto his shoulder. He kissed me on the forehead and then on the lips.

  We sat for a while longer before we got up, walked a bit more, and drove back to the hotel.

  Chapter 16

  Late afternoon, Ethan and I arrived back at our room. Since we had gotten such an early start to our excursion, there was still a lot of time left in the day.

  We took off our shoes and Ethan collapsed on the bed. I went to the window because I always do. I love staring at the outside no matter the view. I can even find something interesting about a parking lot or rooftop view. In that moment, people were going in an out of the ice cream shop across the street. People were chasing their children to who were headed straight for the fountain in the park. People were sitting beneath trees on concrete benches. And, people walked along the pier looking out at the water.

  My mind envisioned the lake view from Ethan’s home in Ponderosa. The peaks kept their snowy caps well into the summer. The two views were so very different and both so very dear to me.

  “I want more with you Evi.”

  Ethan’s voice broke into my daydream. I looked over my shoulder at him.

  Staring at the ceiling from where he was lying on the bed, he didn’t look at me or make eye contact when he added, “I’m sorry if you aren’t comfortable with that yet, but I want more. I only have one more year with you, and I don’t want to miss a minute that we are able to have together. I want to be with you and only you.”

  At first, I heard “only one more year” ring through my ears and my soul. Then, I knew what he was asking. I let his words sink in. I said softly, “I want the same thing Ethan and I’m ready, but I need to know that we are forever. I have always known that you are my forever, but am I yours?” I almost felt like Ethan was already my husband, but I needed to hear him say he felt the same way.

  “I want to marry you Evi. There’s no question for me. I can’t believe that I’ve actually wanted to marry you since I was seventeen years old. I know it so clearly now.” He was still not looking at me.

  “Then I’m ready.”

  Ethan turned over and faced me with a slightly surprised look on his face that was somewhere between “Oh boy!” and “Oh crap.” I smiled at him because I didn’t even think he realized that his expression was so full of… expression.

  “I’m ready,” I repeated it again so he had his reassurance from me.

  There was too much love and too much passion between us to discuss it anymore. We made a decision. We were committed, so we didn’t waste any time.

  I walked on my knees to him on the bed, and he kissed me so sweetly. I swear if I hadn’t known better, I would’ve thought that was his first kiss ever. It was like he was starving and couldn’t get enough of me, and I must say, my feelings were right in line with his. His hands were moving from my face to my back, then to my face again. I just held onto his belt loops and pulled him towards me.

  “Ethan, I don’t know how to do this,” I nervously whispered.

  He whispered back, “You don’t have to know anything. We work through this together. Just focus your eyes on mine. Okay?”

  I nodded.

  He whispered, “I mean it, look at me Evi.”

  Even though it was difficult, I did as he asked.

  When our eyes were locked, Ethan took a deep breath, slipped the straps of my dress off of my shoulders, and he kissed me on my neck.

  I looked into his eyes again and slowly unbuttoned his shirt. I pulled his shirt open, then slid it down his arms, dropping it onto the floor. I ran my hands up his arms to his shoulders, then back down his chest to his stomach. He was so perfect.

  “Do you promise that we are forever Ethan? Do you promise?”

  “Yes! I promise.”

  I smiled, placed my hands on his chest again, and pushed him down onto the bed. We laughed and together as we pulled back the sheet and blanket. Settled on the pillows, we resumed our passionate kissing as we finished undressing each other. Although he can melt me with one look and stop my heart with one touch, this process was much more mechanical than our encounter the night before, perhaps because we had a mutual goal in mind this time? Periodically, our eyes locked and I wondered what he was thinking. All I could think about was how much I wanted to be with him.

  When we had finally positioned ourselves to make this commitment to one another, and the moment was upon us, I suddenly got so scared. I never planned on backing out, but I really needed a minute for my mind to run around the room twelve times. If you could have seen inside my thoughts at the moment I was lying there with him, you would have seen that half of me was peacefully saying, “You’re ready for this. You love him. You’re okay.” And the other half was screaming, “You can’t go back after this Evi. You can never go back.”

  Ethan sensed my fear, therefore tried to hold me tighter. “Are you o
kay?” he whispered so softly.

  “Yes, I’m okay.”

  Then with our lips touching he asked again, “Evi, are you sure you’re ready?”

  “Yes, I’m ready.” Then another pause while I looked away and took a very deep breath.

  I turned back to him. He wasn’t afraid at all. How was he so sure through this? In my mind, we were making an eternal decision. He was so calm. I begged him, “Ethan, please say something. Please.”

  He took my head into both of his hands so carefully and pressed his lips on my ear. He was steady. His breath was the only thing in the world that existed, not our bodies, just his breath. He whispered “Everclear, will you marry me?”

  I instantly relaxed. I thought, This is my husband. I wanted him. I kissed him.

  “Ethan, I’m ready to close my eyes now.”

  He looked so intentional as he kissed me one more time. He nodded. I turned my head. He pressed his lips behind my ear. I grasped his shoulder with one hand and the back of his neck with my other. He barely whispered, “I love you.”

  I listened to him breathe while he made love to me. I remember nothing else but the sensation and the rhythm of his breathing. I was so focused on him, that I didn’t feel like I was part of it.

  I think that even though intimacy with someone is supposed to be about becoming one, I felt more separated during that time. Being in that position with someone is so personal that I couldn’t help but feel uncomfortable, exposed, vulnerable, insecure.

  Now this next part is very important, so listen carefully.

  I keep saying we have moments that change us, moments we feel forever. Sometimes they’re happy. Sometimes they're sad. This was another one of those moments in my life. Every human emotion I could possibly have had at the time was produced: birth, joy, fear, sadness, anger, death, hope, faith, love.