Volunteering Your Heart

by Lo'Ren A Mayler

  “No. I am out and yes, I’ve dated.”

  “Then why is it a problem now?” And what does it have to do with us?

  Perched on the edge of her seat, practically foaming at the mouth as she begged for snausages. She wished Sam would say the right thing. Tell her any detail of her life. Explain her hesitation. Ask her to stay. Instead, there sat a Sam shaped statue, poised as ever, staring back. Her lips unmoving. Body sculpted to perfection. As unwavering as the stone she was chiseled from.

  Jak felt her phone buzz in her pocket. Liberating it, for a cursory glance at the screen, revealed a structure fire. Silence filled their table. She wasn’t looking for the beautiful trophy that sat across from her. A woman to be hers in name only. She wanted more out of life than a stranger in her bed night after night.

  There wasn’t a debate. No internal struggle. She had promised not to leave Sam for a call and she wasn’t. However, she did not promise to stay should the date be a dud. As far as Jak was concerned, Sam was the one that didn’t uphold her end of the bargain.

  “I guess that’s my cue to leave. Congratulations, your plan worked perfectly. I no longer wish to spend my evening with you, public or otherwise. Enjoy the food, I’ve heard it’s really good.” Jak dropped money on table. Stopping herself before she could take a step, “I hope you find whatever you’re looking for.”

  ***

  Jak showed for the call. Late, but she was there. It worked! He wanted to hi-five himself. Now, if everything else would come together so nicely.

  He had known they were going out today. He always knew. It was easy when Jak talked about it non-stop. He received free insider intelligence every day. Every torturous scheme and plot twist. How Jak had swayed every encounter to her benefit. One step forward, five steps back. Feeling like he was caught in a tango. A backwards waltz.

  A pike pole heaved into the ceiling, puncturing it. As if the damage could dash away the nightmare that ran before his eyes. Turning towards the movement beside him. Jak mimicked his actions. That was when he noticed the change, the forcefulness of her form. Harsh movements, telling of an aggravation mirroring his own. Was she tee’d off at having to respond? Was the lack of sleep making her irritable? There was something he couldn’t put a finger on. A change in her approach to the fire and the night. She was steamed, but he wasn’t sure it had anything to do with being dragged away by a fire.

  They worked in silence. Just the sound of his pike and the respirator. There was a lack of details about her horrid sinful life. No complaints about being dragged away from bed. Had he finally done it? Had the plan worked?

  All the embers long since dead in the living room ceiling, he turned to Jak. His grin hidden behind the mask.

  “Ready to check the bedrooms?”

  “Absolutely, I would love some destruction right about now.”

  Allowing Jak to lead the way to the rear of the residence. It seemed they were finally apart, with no one the wiser to his involvement. Off he trotted, following the darkness deeper into the wreckage, with a smile on his face and a song in his heart.

  Watching Sam had become an obsession, one he could not relinquish. He continued to follow her day in and day out.

  Every time he saw Jak; she appeared miserable, only adding to his joy. The more she frowned, the wider his smile. She didn’t really go home anymore, except to shower, so she was always around.

  He stopped pulling alarms, since there was no need to. With the abundance of time he now had, he responded to every call. At times, just to savor in Jak’s misery.

  The silence allowed his entire focus to shift. Enjoying the simple things in life, such as tailing Samantha. She had been despondent, as of late. An understandable response following a breakup. He tried to be empathetic, though he did not understand mourning a relationship with the devil. Considerate, when she didn’t leave the apartment as often. He hated seeing her depressed. Worse, not seeing her at all, because she was locked away in her tower. The dragon was no longer guarding her, guiding her every action. Yet, in the castle she stayed. She will get over the loss, soon enough.

  Everything was going exactly as planned for the first time in his life. When Samantha was more herself, he would swoop in. Rescue her from the pit of despair in which she found herself to be. Forever more, being a guardian to his angel.

  Part

  II

  XVI

  As with most days, Sam stared out at the snow-covered city. It was the middle of January and she didn’t know, before moving here, that it regularly got to negative twenty degrees in the winter. That the snow drifted into mounds more than ten feet tall. Her beetle had been useless. The city kept up on the main roads, but her little buggy was not equipped for the ice or snow. She tried to get grocery shopping in on clear dry days. Of course, those were the coldest. The wind from the river freezing the night air, making it difficult to take a breath.

  Four months without Jak had been agony. She had been embarrassed at the restaurant, upset that Jak would cause a scene. How she could just walk away? Baffled by the fact that she wasn’t mad, not even a little. It was the biggest mystery of all, why wasn’t she angry? Instead she found herself wondering what Jak was doing, where she was. Has she forgotten me yet?

  Above all, she was lonely. Jak had never been far from her mind. She had been trying to avoid the pain of a relationship and ended up hurting anyway. Wishing she could go back and do it all again. What would she change? Would anything make a difference? She wanted to call but knew an apology of this magnitude had to be done in person. Finding Jak was the first step to rectifying this separation, to getting back the missing piece. The fragment Jak had taken with her, without Sam’s permission. She had even gone as far as stalking the firehouse a couple nights, with no sign of her. The trucks went out, but Jak wasn’t on it.

  She was awoken with the slam of a door.

  “Hey, what are you doing here?”

  Jak refused to open her eyes, didn’t bother looking in the direction the voice originated.

  “Mike I’m not in the mood,” she said waving him off.

  “I’m not Mike!”

  Jak opened her eyes to watch Stewart disappear, stomping down the hall.

  “Sorry, just tired,” she yelled at his back. Like I care if I offend that jerk. If he let me sleep, he wouldn’t have any reason to be upset.

  The similarities between her friend and Stewy had often been the subject of torment. Teasing him endlessly, jokingly calling them twins. While their personalities were wildly different, their voices and silhouettes were nearly identical. If you didn’t look directly at them, you wouldn’t know who you were talking to. Of course, Mike was fun-loving and offensive to women. On the other hand, Stewart was intense, argumentative and shy around the opposite sex.

  Closing her eyes as she tried to forget. Forget Stewy’s arrogance, Sam’s perfume and the knowledge that the world and all of time continued on without her.

  Jak knew there was so much more to Sam than she let on. Nothing about her had screamed fear. She was far too self-assured for that. Something else was holding her back, but what? Did it matter anymore? With months of no word, it was time to let go. Soon she’d be rid of a town that reminded her of a dream. Of the woman that had captivated her soul, only to set it free. And for what? To save face? Pretend that the anonymity of a closet could bring her a fraction of happiness.

  * * *

  What was left? Not knowing where he was headed, where to go, as he walked out the door. Trying to picture, in his mind, where he had been in order to find a new target. It was getting harder to set off alarms during the day. The easily accessible ones were getting more difficult to find. Before he could so much as blink, his pager went off. Dang it!

  It was what he wanted, without the gratification of being the cause of Jak’s misfortune. Worse yet, it left an opportunity for Wright to, once again, drag Samantha back into the mud. Did he even want to respond? To witness the downfall of all he had worked so hard to
accomplish?

  It couldn’t wait another month? Less than thirty days and there would be no cause for concern. Jak would be gone and she would be safe. What did he have to do to catch a break? Why was God testing him so? Hadn’t he followed every directive? Kept himself and his precious angel on the path to righteousness?

  * * *

  Jak heard the address. Had hoped that they wouldn’t get another call until she was gone. Not that luck had been on her side as of late. Dread built in the pit of her stomach. Keep your head down, get the job done and get out. She ran into the engine room and threw on her gear. John got into the driver’s seat. Stewy and Liam were the only occupants in the back. Probies don’t count since he couldn’t go into the fire, so she was still stuck. There was no officer, so Jak jumped in the front. Where is Mike? If he was here, I wouldn’t have to go.

  Calling in service, as they pulled onto the apron. Stopping momentarily, as they saw Elijah Thomas rushing to put his gear on and jumping on as well. Of course, now that she was going, someone else showed up. She tried to limit her mind to simple undertakings. Focus on the task at hand. Just shove it down. Ignore your feelings. The job is what matters. Button up, turn your radio on, and call on location. You can do this.

  The school was evacuated when they arrived, as per protocol. They would search the building, as she had hundreds of times before, to see if there was any cause for concern. It came in as a water flow alarm, so they started the search in the halls and moved on to the stairwells. Stopping herself when she realized she was looking out the windows. Searching the faces of women in the crowd. Focus!

  Finally, they located the problem. The heat was out in a stairwell and a sprinkler head had burst, a common occurrence in icy months.

  “Go get a ladder,” she instructed Stew. Jak took the sprinkler wedges from her helmet. She could have had Stewart or Elijah do it, she was the ranking officer, but it would be faster if she just handled it herself. Something many years stopping up flowing water had taught her. Also, they were timed in academy. She would always be faster, a little better than Stewy. It wasn’t cocky, just a fact. He had always been two steps behind her. To be fair, so was everyone else.

  Her movements were practiced. The visor on her helmet flipped down. Boots climbed the ladder of their own accord. Making sure to secure her foothold on each waterlogged rung. She would have to go directly into the stream, have water splash against her body and face. Reach blindly for the sprinkler head and put both chocks into the hole. The two put together stopped the flow, but not before the water soaked her through.

  Pipes had to get turned off before she could get the wedges back. The sprinkler would stay inactive until the alarm company responded, to replace the bulb and turn the water back on. She realized, no one could come back into the building until she said so. Perhaps she could sneak away, exit through another door. Her tag was at the main entrance, but Stewy could get it for her.

  You’re being a child, her mind rationalized. She probably doesn’t even want to speak to you. If she did, Jaky’s phone wouldn’t be so silent. Her chest nothing more than a hollow shell that had once encased her heart. She was trying to be a grown up about it. Jak debated whether seeking escape was acceptable, given the current predicament. On the flip side, she didn’t want to deliberate the likely possibility of being avoided by someone that had already rejected her. Nor welcome another opportunity for Sam to stomp on her still wounded heart. There was no avoiding it. Her last prayer devoted to Sam’s whereabouts, wishing she would be on the other side of the school. Hoping she exited near the cafeteria or called out sick today. Anywhere but in her path.

  Of course, with her stream of misfortune, she didn’t have a stones’ thrown in hell of anything she wanted coming to pass. Jak picked her tag up off the ground. Scanning the crowd once more. How was it possible for Sam to hide in plain sight? Giving up the search, she walked through the horde of students. Back to her engine, nearing escape, hopefully unscathed.

  As she approached, there was a change in the temperature. Her only evidence, a chill that ran up her spine. The heart she didn’t know was still there, dropped into her stomach. Before the piercing blue eyes came into view, she knew. Like in her nightmares, there stood a phantom, looking radiant as always. It wasn’t fair. Jak was disheveled, sleep deprived, and here was a woman unmarred by her absence.

  Sam had been standing by the truck all along, waiting for her return. Just peachy. All her plans for escape dashed away in an instant.

  “What do you want,” she asked as she stowed her gear.

  “You.”

  Jak stopped and looked at Sam, she must have misheard.

  “Since when?” Was she getting bitter about it? Not that it was farfetched, she just hadn’t realized.

  She must not have followed Sam’s script because the proclamations stopped there.

  “Please Jak, just let me explain.”

  Jak took off her turnout coat. Suddenly very aware of her soaked shirt clinging to her body. Making her feel exposed, naked. Though she was glad for her ice bath in the stairwell, it allowed her to keep a clear head when standing near Sam. She crossed her arms over her chest, hoping to hide her body’s reaction, and awaited an explanation.

  “Go ahead,” she urged.

  “Can I see you tonight?” Sam’s head swiveled. Looking in either direction, taking in the throng of students and faculty. “Explain when there are a few less sets of eyes on us.”

  There it was again. NOT PUBLIC. If they went somewhere private, Jak couldn’t promise that she would keep her hands to herself. I am worth more than a quick Fuck!

  “I don’t think so,” Jak said as she climbed in without another word. Closing the door to more than just the conversation. What was there left to say? Sam wanted what they had and that would never be enough for her. Nothing had changed. Even so, her heart twisted, grinding her to pieces. Crunching every hope she had left until it was a fine powder, blowing with the wind as they drove through town. Scattering her feelings to places, she hoped, she would never find again.

  Disappearing with the close of the door. The finality not lost on her. Sam didn’t know what to say. How to explain everything in just a few short minutes. Her life was private and if she was to share part of it with Jak, she was not going to do it in front of the entire student body. Was she expecting some grand gesture? A proclamation before the world?

  XVII

  The fire alarm lasted through the remainder of class. She opened the room long enough for the students to collect their belongings and locked it up.

  Her mind still racing as she reached the lunchroom. Trying to figure out what she could have done differently. Was there an appropriate way to broach the subject? Brittany, Eric and Maggie stared at her as she sat her tray down.

  “So Jaklyn Wright?” Brittany inquired.

  “Who?”

  “The firefighter. The person you are seeing. That is Jak?”

  “Oh.” She didn’t know what else to say or how to gauge their reaction. She had already been rejected by Jak today. Why did she have to deal with this too? “It was.”

  What did it matter what they thought if I couldn’t have Jak, she wondered from somewhere in her despair?

  “Talk, dark and handsome. Yep, definitely describes her. Though you could have just said Jak was a she,” Maggie stated.

  “Yeah. We don’t care. I went to school with Jak, she is good people,” Eric chimed in. Which she knew to be high praise in any small town. If you were willing to help someone out of a ditch or lend a helping hand after a storm, you were “Good People”. Keep your nose clean and help your neighbors, it was a way of life. Community over self.

  “Thanks guys. I just didn’t know how to tell you and I didn’t want any problems at work.”

  Eric took her hand, “We care about you, not who you date. If anyone tries to bother you, they will have to go through us.”

  Holding back the tears that threatened as she looked at her colleagues, all
shaking their heads in agreement. When had they become friends?

  “Thank you. I don’t think that will be a problem though. I blew it.” She wanted to cry for their kindness. For the loss of Jak. For the series of events that had broken her over time. Her body automatically fighting back. Knowing without having to be told, it was inexcusable to cry.

  “Oh my god. No wonder you have been so down.”

  Brittany was bothering her more often, as of late. Wanting to talk, hang out. Sam had no idea they were paying attention. Scrutinizing her activities; attuned to her moods.

  “What happened?” Maggie asked. What did happen? Did she even know the answer?

  “I pushed her away. I just couldn’t let her in. She wanted more and I wasn’t willing to give it to her.”

  It felt nice to not call Jak a him. To speak freely about her former lover. She had never had that before. Someone to bounce ideas off of. A sounding board, confidante. Friends.

  Back home she wasn’t allowed to have emotions. Or opinions. She was supposed to bottle everything up, shove it into a box and send that box into a black hole that would never see the light of day. Maybe that was the problem. She was still letting her mother have a hold on her. Letting her actions, decisions and life be influence by a ghost. For all her mother’s advice, her rules to live by, none of them had truly made her life any better. None had helped in any of her relationships. She was closing in on forty. Inevitably, her looks were going to fade. All she would be left with was resentment and loneliness. Is that really the life she wanted? All that she had to look forward to?

  “Is there anything we can do to help?” Maggie asked.

  “I don’t think so. I tried talking to her earlier, but she made it pretty clear I was too late.

  “It’s never too late.” She wished she could share in Britney’s positivity.