“Yeah, like that’s going to help,” she snaps.
“Hey, I'm on your side, remember?” I remind her.
“Really?” she sneers. “I wouldn't know it the way you were behaving in the clinic.”
“Come on, Valentina,” I protest. I know she’s upset, but taking this out on me isn’t going to help her feel better. “I was just messing around in there. You know I’m in this.”
“Well, quit messing around. This is serious, Hudson. And given what we’ve just learned, I don't know if we should even bother continuing. I mean, what happens if…”
She shakes her head and closes her eyes, but we both know what she’s thinking.
“What you need to do is relax,” I order her. “Then we can talk this through rationally and decide together if we should still do this.”
She opens one eye and looks at me, like she’s expecting a smart ass follow up, but for once, I’m being serious.
“How about we go back to my place?” I suggest.
“No.” She sighs. “We’ll go to mine. I have a hot tub.”
I shrug.
Unexpected, but I can’t argue with that.
***
She barely says a word the whole drive back to her place. A few times, I try to start up a conversation, but Valentina remains deep in thought. Then out of nowhere, she gives me an apologetic smile.
“I'm sorry if I’m quiet,” she apologizes. “I guess I’m a little all over the place at the moment.”
“And just think, you’re not even pregnant yet,” I tease, trying to lighten the mood. “Maybe I can do something to ease some of that tension…”
She laughs and raises her eyebrows, her eyes sparkling. It’s like she’s finally beginning to relax a little.
“I’m afraid to ask what.”
“Hey, don’t be like that.” I smirk. “I’m just being a nice guy. And for the record, I wasn't being dirty. I was hinting that I’ll give you a massage. I don’t want to toot my own horn, but I've been known to send women into a level of unconsciousness with just a flick of my fingers.”
“That’s not tooting your own horn.” She chortles, but then the sparkle in her eyes turns serious. “If we are going to still do this, maybe we should set some ground rules.”
“It's a bit late for that, isn't it?” I tease.
“Is it?” She shrugs, glancing down at her hands, like she’s suddenly shy around me. “I mean, it's not like we've done anything yet.”
“Okay,” I agree. “What kind of rules are you talking about?”
She thinks about it for a moment. “I’m not sure. My grandmother is having a contract written up for us that will cover the agreement. I was thinking more about rules for while we’re together.”
“Okay, then how about we agree to make the rest of the rules as we go along? This is new for both of us. It’s only natural that we’re going to have questions and concerns as we progress. There’s probably plenty we haven’t considered about what happens from here.”
“I guess that makes sense.” She nods, happy with that. “I’ve thought of one rule I know I want, though.”
“And what’s that?” I ask.
She presses her lips together, her eyes shining.
“Those massages you were offering … they’d better be happening regularly when I’m pregnant.”
I rub my jaw, my cock twitching at the thought of running my hands over her smooth, naked curves.
“Consider it done.”
CHAPTER NINE
Valentina
“Valentina? We’re here.”
Outside my apartment complex, Hudson cuts off the engine of his truck, and looks at me expectantly. I pretend not to hear him, because I’m way too uptight. All I can think about is what’s coming next. We’re going to be having sex. There’s no baby without it.
It’s not that I don’t like sex. I do. It’s the fact that it’s sex with Hudson. And it’s not that I’m not attracted to him, because I am. Way more than I should be, given the circumstances.
Which is a big part of the problem.
Even something as innocent as admitting I’m attracted to him has the potential to make things much more complicated, because before I know it, I’ll be in love with him.
Maybe I should’ve chosen someone where there was zero attraction.
Sure, the sex would have been awkward, but at least I wouldn’t have to worry about this. I try to imagine Hudson balding and with a beer gut, which leaves me almost doubled over, laughing.
“Are you okay there?”
I jump at the sound of his low, gravelly voice. Even though there’s no way he could know I was thinking about him, I’m embarrassed all the same.
“Sure I am. Why wouldn’t it be?”
He shrugs and gives me an odd look. “It’s just that I told you we’re here three times and you didn't react. Also, do you always randomly burst into laughter?”
“Sorry, I guess I was thinking about something.” The words stick in my throat.
“About me?”
“Don’t flatter yourself,” I retort, my face so hot it feels like it’s on fire.
What the heck is wrong with me? The old Valentina used to live for moments like these, but right now I’m so nervous and flustered that I just want to disappear. But maybe I need to get used to feeling like this. Without the status of money behind me, all my confidence and control are gone too. Well, most of it.
I still have control over some things in my life, like how and where we’re going to do this. It’s why I wanted to come here and not his place. At least here I know what to expect and the environment is familiar. Having to pretend I like his apartment would’ve added a whole other layer of stress I don’t need right now.
Getting out of the truck, I turn around and wait impatiently for Hudson. All I want is to get this over with, because I’m clinging to the hope that it will get easier after the first time. Or even better, that the first time will also be the last.
“Are you coming up or not?” I ask, flicking my hair over my shoulder. He gets out and grins at me.
“Anyone ever tell you your impatient?” he asks.
“Anyone ever tell you you’re annoying?” I fire back.
I bounce through the foyer of the building, in the direction of the elevator, with Hudson strolling casually behind me. I throw a friendly wave at Tom, the security guard, as I press the button and then I wait patiently for the car to descend. Hudson stands impossibly close, the scent of his cologne affecting me in ways I can’t resist.
The elevator doors open and Hudson whistles, catching my attention.
“Going up, Valentina?”
My eyes meet his and I step inside the car, trying to keep my distance from him. Hudson moves closer, and I glare at him, which just spurs him on. He’s takes another step, this time standing so close to me that our bodies are touching. I press the button over and over, like hitting the stupid thing repeatedly is going to make it work faster.
“Hey,” I snarl when he puts his hand over mine.
“If you can’t handle me touching you in a friendly gesture, then me going upstairs isn’t a good idea.”
“I can handle you touching me,” I huff as the doors finally close. “I just wasn’t expecting it.”
“It’s almost like you’re ashamed to be seen with me,” he teases.
I gaze at him coolly. “Oh, you picked up on that?”
“You realize the security guard knowing about us is the least of your worries?” he points out. His dark eyes dance, like he’s relishing in yet another opportunity to challenge me. “How are you going to feel when your friends find out about us? Or are you going to make me hide in the closet whenever anyone comes around?”
“Is that an option?” I ask icily.
To be honest, worrying about being seen with him isn’t even on my radar, but I guess there’s some element of truth in what he’s saying. I don’t plan to go out of my way to announce us as a couple. In fact, I’m happy
to not tell anyone about us unless I have to.
I laugh. Unless I have to?
When I’m pregnant, everyone is going to know. There’ll be no hiding that for anyone, especially in the circles I travel in. And the longer I leave this the harder it will be to tell the people closest to me.
Like Holly.
I cringe, thinking about my best friend. That’s a conversation I’m not looking forward to having. The longer I leave it, the worse it’s going to be. Whether I like it or not this is going to change everything, even our friendship. Then again, everything already has changed so much; how much worse can it get?
I lean against the wall and sigh. Why does everything have to be so complicated? All I want is my easy, carefree life back. And things are only going to get harder with a baby in the mix.
God. A baby.
We’re bringing a child into the world. Everything else should pale in comparison, but I’m still so caught up on the little things, like what my friends are going to think. The fact that I keep overlooking what a huge deal this is makes me question how capable I am of handling parenthood. Maybe I am doing this for all the wrong reasons. Maybe I’m not ready to be a mother.
“And there you go again, off in your own little world.”
I look up at Hudson, not sure what to say.
“I guess I’m still wrapping my mind around all of this,” I admit. I choose my next words carefully, my heart racing at the thought of being honest with him. “Also, I’m sorry if I’m a little moody at times.”
“A little?” he hoots, rubbing the back of his neck. “I never know what Valentina I’m going to get. I know you’re under a lot of pressure, but maybe if we talk about what’s bothering you?”
I know exactly what the problem is. Amanda.
Discovering my grandmother made her the same offer really hurt me. It’s not just about the money either. It’s the uncertainty and not knowing where I stand that gets to me the most. I’m used to being in control and knowing what’s around the corner, but ever since my father was arrested, my world has been turned upside down, and a baby is going to change my life even more. I’m not sure I’m ready for that. I feel like I’m leaping off a cliff, blindfolded, with no idea how things are going to end up.
“Do you think we’re ready for this?” My heart pounds as I wait for him to answer.
“I don't know,” he admits after a moment. “Maybe? Do I think this kid could do much better than having us for parents?” He shakes his head. “No, I don't think they could. I think this child is going to be damn lucky to have both of us in their life. They’re going to be loved unconditionally, which is more than a lot of kids who are born into this world get.”
It’s the first time I’ve seen him look unsure, like he doesn’t have all the answers. It’s reassuring to know that there’s more to him than smart remarks and jokes. Underneath all that is a guy who’s just as scared as I am.
“I guess you’re right. I’m just worried we’re not doing it for the right reasons.”
“We’re probably not, but who does anything for the right reasons these days?” he reasons. “People have kids for wrong reasons all the time.”
“And that’s a good thing?” I intercept.
“No, but it’s not always a bad thing.” He shrugs. “Good things often come out of bad situations.”
I smile, finding his words oddly comforting. He reaches out to sweep a strand of hair away from my eyes. For once I don’t pull away, the feel of his touch electric against my skin. My heart races, because he’s so close that if I lifted my heels off the ground, I could almost kiss him.
The elevator doors swing open, startling both of us. I step away from him and stare across the empty hallway at my front door. Taking a deep breath, I force myself to walk out of the elevator, Hudson right behind me.
I fumble with the lock, my hands shaking so much that I drop my keys. I curse under my breath and bend down to retrieve them.
“Is there anything you don’t laugh at?” I titter as Hudson sniggers behind me.
“There’s plenty I probably shouldn’t laugh at,” he offers.
“Hardly the same thing,” I scoff.
Finally, I unlock it. I twist the handle and open the door, letting Hudson inside first. I take a deep breath and take my time closing the door, mainly to stall what’s happening next. This is all moving so fast, and I’m not sure I can go through with it.
“You’re really nervous about this,” he observes.
“You’re not?”
He shrugs. “Not really. What’s there to be nervous about?”
“Oh, I don’t know. Everything?” All his laid back attitude is doing is making me feel worse. “Whether this is going to work? How long it will take? Oh, and then there’s the fact that we’re having a baby we might not be able to support financially. What if we end up with twins? Or triplets?” I groan, that would be just my luck.
“Okay, so things might go wrong. Does stressing about it help?” he asks.
His eyes fix on mine and for the first time I notice what a beautiful shade of blue they are, especially standing here, under this light. I blink, snapping myself out of the moment and then open my mouth to answer him.
“No,” I admit in a small voice.
“Right. So just relax and take things as they come,” he soothes. “We’ll deal with everything as it happens. One day at a time. Everything happens for a reason, right?”
“You sound like a freaking inspirational calendar,” I mutter.
He laughs. “Yeah, I do, but it’s better than the alternative. Nobody is making us do this, Valentina. But if we’re going to do it, then we both have to be all in.” He studies my face. “So, are we doing this?”
I swallow the huge lump forming in my throat and nod. I know he’s right. I can’t be focused on Amanda or anything else for that matter. If we’re doing this, I need to commit one hundred percent. The problem is knowing that and believing it are two different things.
Maybe if I keep telling myself everything is going to work out, then I’ll eventually believe it.
“We’re doing it,” I whisper.
He takes my hand and pulls me toward him. I’m doing everything I can to make myself relax, but I’m so tense, I feel sick. Nothing about this feels unscripted for me. I’m overanalyzing every tiny detail in my head, and it’s driving me crazy. He, on the other hand, is acting like he hasn’t got a care in the world.
“V, for fuck’s sake, stop thinking,” he murmurs.
“Telling me not to think doesn’t help,” I grumble.
“Then maybe this will.”
He leans closer and pushes his lips onto mine, while his fingers grasp my hair. I try my best to shut my mind off and lose myself in his kiss, but the thoughts keep coming. They twist around in my head, killing any chance of romance for me. The harder I try, the more confused and messed up I feel, until eventually, I pull away.
“This is you relaxing?” he teases.
“No, this is me trying not to…”
I take a deep breath, reining in the scathing words that were perched on my tongue and ready to fly out. The last thing I want is to say something I’m going to regret, because it’s not him I’m annoyed at. I’m just frustrated at my inability to switch off.
This just isn’t going to work.
I should have never dragged him into this stupid idea in the first place.
“Come on, Valentina. You’re killing me here,” he mutters, the frustration in his voice evident. There haven’t been too many occasions where he’s shown me any emotion, so I almost welcome it. He sighs and runs his hand through his thick hair. “Okay, how about we take a step back and forget the sex? Let’s just get to know one another.”
I nod. “Okay. I guess it can’t be any worse than the thought of sleeping with you.”
He laughs. “You’re lucky I don’t take offense to that.”
“I didn’t mean it like that,” I quickly say.
I need some
thing to help loosen me up. Like alcohol.
“Drink?” I ask, walking over to the kitchen.
“Sure.”
I retrieve two wine glasses, but then I stop. What am I doing? I can’t drink wine. Not if I want the best chance of conceiving. Frowning, I put the glasses back and grab two bottles of sparkling water instead.
“I hope you like sparkling water,” I say, walking back over to the couch. “Wine isn’t good for trying to conceive and all that.”
“I’m good with anything.” He takes the bottle when I offer it to him.
I bet you are.
I stare at my bottle, suddenly feeling shy. I take a deep breath and release it slowly, but even that doesn’t help.
“I can’t believe you’re not finding this awkward,” I confess.
He shrugs. “I am, just not as much as you are. You’re a beautiful woman, Valentina. Honestly, the idea of being with you like that excites me. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought of being with you like that.”
“Really?” I raise my eyebrows and he shrugs.
“Sure.” He takes a mouthful of his drink and I shiver as I watch his throat muscles contract as he swallows. His eyes gleam as they meet mine. “Maybe the problem is you’re not attracted to me.”
“No, I do find you attractive,” I insist. “It would probably be easier if I didn’t.”
I blush when he raises his eyebrows at me.
“Hey, don’t be embarrassed. I like that you think I’m sexy,” he teases. “I think it’s cute.”
“I never said you were sexy,” I retort. “There’s plenty of people I can acknowledge are attractive that I don’t find sexy.”
“You know, I meant it when I said we could forget the sex.” His tone turns serious. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m up for it.” He glances down into his lap, then back up at me, the playful look back in his eyes. “Well, with a little encouragement I will be, but if you want to just get to know each other, that’s fine too.”
I’m torn, because as tempted as I am to pass on sex tonight, I know this might be the best chance we get at conceiving. Between the stomach cramps and the cravings for something sweet, I’m pretty sure I’m ovulating. Not to mention the crazy mood swings I’ve been having. I’ve been so up and down, I’m surprised Hudson’s still willing to go through with this.
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