Falling Again in El Salvador

by Julie Danvers

  He lifted his body atop hers, and she could feel him hard and ready at her entrance. “Now,” she whispered, and he eased himself into her, in one long slow thrust. He gathered her hair into his fingers and pressed her lips toward his, and on instinct she wrapped her legs around his waist, pulling him in even deeper.

  Their hips rocked together in a dance that was timeless, familiar and yet somehow entirely new. As his strokes increased in their intensity, she felt her body responding to his, a heat rising within her core. Her mouth yielded to his, over and over, and her body hovered on the brink of ecstasy. Finally, unable to resist the sensation of her body moving with his, she let herself go, her mind spinning past a place where thought existed. He continued thrusting into her for a moment longer and then shuddered before he sank beside her onto the bed.

  Her body was nerveless, replete with satisfaction. She could barely move, but as his lips sought hers once more, she lifted her head to his before resting it against his chest.

  They lay with their arms and legs tangled together. She neither knew nor cared where he ended and she began. She felt him tracing one of her shoulders lightly with his finger, and despite her best efforts, the soothing caress began to lull her into sleep.

  As she drifted off, she felt Bryce pull her closer against his chest. Her last thought before she fell asleep was that she’d never have had the courage to show up at Bryce’s hotel room.

  But she was so glad he’d taken the risk of coming to hers.

  * * *

  Bryce woke first early the next morning. He’d always been an early riser. It was a good quality for a surgeon. In his residency days, he’d sometimes had to wake at 5:00 a.m. or even earlier to begin his day. He’d never been able to break the habit of waking up just before dawn, even now, when his surgical career was long over. Now, with the exception of the occasional emergency, he could usually count on sleeping through the night and enjoying a leisurely morning.

  He hoped that he and Cassie would be able to spend this leisurely morning together. There was no hurry to get back to the camp, and after last night, they needed some time to get their bearings with one another. Everything had happened so fast.

  After their kiss at the waterfall, Bryce had known that he wasn’t going to be able to set his growing attraction for Cassie aside. But he hadn’t expected himself to act on it, at least not so quickly. But then he’d seen her reaction after he’d told her about the engagement ring. She had looked at the crashed motorcycle and understood exactly how he felt about it.

  He hadn’t wanted to admit it, but for five years, he’d carried Cassie with him in one way or another. First by holding on to the engagement ring, then by pawning the ring and using the money for his motorcycle. And also by holding on to the anger and resentment he’d felt for so long. It had been all he had left of her, and he had been unwilling to let it go. Until she came back into his life, and he realized just how simple it could be to let it go.

  He’d wrestled with his thoughts in his own hotel room for less than ten minutes before running down to Cassie’s. He didn’t know for sure if she wanted any more than the kiss they’d shared. But nothing could stop him from finding out.

  In the heat of the moment, he hadn’t cared that he was once again putting himself in a vulnerable position with her. It was one thing to act on physical feelings. It was quite another to take the risk of telling her how he felt. Or of asking how she felt. She’d certainly responded enthusiastically...but sex, he supposed, could mean anything. It didn’t mean she wanted a relationship.

  Had it really been five years since Cassie had had sex? That he was the last person she’d been intimate with. Although he hadn’t thought about it much, he’d assumed that Cassie had probably had other partners over the years. But apparently not.

  Ever since Cassie had come to El Salvador, it seemed that so many of his assumptions about her were untrue. He’d always thought of her as a bit reckless, a bit of a daredevil, but he knew now that was only one side of her.

  Unlike him, Cassie was not an early riser and never had been. He watched her sleep, the sun peeking in through the blinds and casting shadows on her face. He ran his hands through her short hair, gently, careful not to wake her. He still wanted her. He’d been trying so hard to push his feelings away because he wasn’t sure what she wanted. But last night, his desire had taken over.

  But giving in to one night of desire didn’t change the fact that he and Cassie might want very different things. No matter how he felt about Cassie, he still wanted a committed relationship. He’d had his share of flings, as well as his share of heartbreak. The next time he got emotionally involved with someone, he wanted it to be with someone interested in the long term, who might even want to start a family someday. He had no idea if that was what Cassie wanted. From everything they’d discussed about what had brought her to El Salvador, he had the distinct impression that she’d come here to escape predictability and routine. She may not be the same reckless daredevil he remembered, but he knew that she liked thrills and excitement just as much as ever. She’d told him about how much she needed to get out of the routine of her daily life in New York. What if her night with him was about nothing more than reconnecting with that adventurous side of herself?

  He did not regret their night together for an instant. But he also didn’t want to set himself up for more pain. He’d misunderstood Cassie’s feelings for him in the past, and so he’d need to guard his heart now. Which meant telling her, as soon as possible, that he was looking for more in a relationship than she might be willing to pursue at this point in her life.

  They’d have to have The Talk about how they were going to figure out continuing to work together. The sooner they had The Talk, the better.

  He’d been trying to keep quiet next to her, but suddenly both of their phones began to vibrate. Hers was across the room, inside her open travel bag, while his was next to the nightstand. Cassie opened bleary eyes at the noise. “Whuzzit?” she mumbled.

  Bryce grabbed his phone from beside the bed. “It’s a text from the camp,” he said.

  Cassie sat up, wide-awake. “What’s it say?”

  “There’s an emergency. They need all doctors who are off base to return to the camp as soon as possible. There’ve been more rockfalls up in the mountains. They need all hands on deck to cope with the influx of injuries coming in. We’ve got to get back as soon as we can.”

  They looked at one another in dismay.

  “I was hoping we’d have time this morning to talk about...things,” said Cassie.

  “Me, too. We’ll have to save our conversation for the bus. Speaking of which, we should start making arrangements to get back right away.” He got out of the bed and stretched. “I’ll take our stuff down to the lobby and figure out our transportation home. You can meet me there when you’re ready.”

  She nodded. He wanted to lean in for a kiss, but wasn’t sure if it was a good idea. After all, they hadn’t had The Talk yet. In the end, he gave her an awkward kiss on the forehead and rushed out the door.

  * * *

  Cassie brushed her teeth with haste. She knew the bus trip back to camp would take several hours, but that was all the more reason to leave as soon as they could. Unfortunately, it meant that there might not be much time to talk with Bryce about what had happened.

  Sex is what happened. You had sex for the first time in five years, four months—oh, who cares. The point is, it’s time to reset the counter.

  Indeed it was.

  She’d felt vulnerable telling Bryce about her five-year dry spell, but she’d wanted him to know. Especially after he’d told her about the engagement ring. He’d kept that a secret from her for such a long time, clearly nervous about how she might respond. But telling her about the ring had changed everything. Until that moment, she’d been determined to show Bryce how she’d felt about him. But, of course, the way he felt ab
out her was just as important.

  She hoped that Bryce understood how she felt. She wasn’t sure what to make of his brief kiss—on the forehead, of all places—as he’d left to make their travel arrangements. He’d been so brusque. Not unkind, but not exactly melting with emotion, either.

  She wondered if he were worried about how they were going to handle working together and being in a relationship at the same time. In a way, it had been simpler five years ago, when their relationship had been a secret. They didn’t have to sort out any workplace complications, because they’d simply tried their best to pretend they weren’t dating while they were at work. Now, they’d probably have some complexities to work out, and she could imagine that Bryce was as worried as she was about potential pitfalls and how to avoid them.

  Or so she assumed. They hadn’t had time to discuss much of anything. Certainly not something as complicated as their relationship status. They hadn’t even had time to talk about whether they were in a relationship at all.

  She headed to the lobby, where Bryce had arranged their passage on a bus that would take them back to Miraflores. When she found him, he was talking with Enrique over the phone about the emergency. Enrique was planning to come back from San Salvador to help out with the victims of the rockfall. He would pick them up in Miraflores, and they’d all head back to camp together. Cassie felt a preemptive twinge of awkwardness as she thought about adding another person to their party so soon after her intimate night with Bryce. She wished they could have more time away from the camp so that she and Bryce could have some space to figure out what they were to each other, as well as what they wanted to tell other people. But as things were, it looked as though they would have to do most of their talking on the bus. If they were even going to talk at all.

  The chicken buses of El Salvador weren’t exactly modern, but they were convenient. Although Cassie would have preferred to travel by motorcycle, she’d been interested in trying out the chicken buses since she’d arrived. She’d noticed them everywhere on the road to Juayua; their bright colors were hard to miss. The name “chicken bus” referred to the occasional practice of passengers bringing on chickens or other livestock. As she boarded the bus that morning, there wasn’t a chicken in sight, although she did hear faint clucking noises from the back of the bus.

  “I know it’s probably different from what you’re used to, but it’s one of the most practical ways to get around,” Bryce said.

  “It’s perfect,” said Cassie. “And it sounds like it’s the fastest option we have for getting back to the camp to help out.”

  “The driver says the trip will take about two hours,” said Bryce. “We’re lucky to get on early in the morning. The buses can get pretty crowded later in the day, but we should miss the worst of it.”

  “Two hours,” said Cassie. “It sounds like we’ll have some time to talk, you and I.”

  He settled down beside her as the bus took off with a lurch. “I suppose it does. Look, last night...” He faltered.

  She felt her stomach plummet. What was it that was so hard for him to say? Did he think last night was a mistake? Her head spun at the thought. She’d been determined not to let go of him again, but if Bryce didn’t feel the same way she did, she might not have any choice in the matter.

  “What is it?” she said. “Don’t you think we should talk about it? Especially given that we work together? We need to figure out what we’re going to tell everyone else.”

  “But we need to figure out what we’re telling ourselves first.”

  It was the way she felt, too, but somehow, the way he said it filled her with trepidation.

  “Look,” he continued, “last night was fun. But I’ll understand if you don’t want anything like that to happen again.”

  She stared at him, aghast.

  “Why do you keep saying things like that?” she said. “First after the waterfall in Juayua and now, after this? Why would you assume I wouldn’t want this to happen again?”

  “Because I don’t know what you want,” he said.

  She couldn’t believe it. “I thought I made it pretty clear last night that I wanted you.”

  “You did. For last night. But I’m not sure what that means for the future.”

  Hadn’t she made it clear, last night, that he meant something to her? That sleeping with him meant something, just as their relationship had meant something?

  Apparently not.

  They both stared at each other. She realized that they were at a stalemate. One of them was going to have to take a risk and share their feelings. She was just about to speak when he did.

  “Didn’t you have fun, as well?” he said.

  Fun? Well, she supposed she’d had fun, too. It just wasn’t the first word she would have chosen to describe their evening.

  Words like intimate or special or earth-shattering would be her preferred adjectives.

  “I didn’t not have fun,” she said.

  He instantly looked hurt.

  “What I mean is that it was more than fun for me,” she continued quickly. “This was something that I’ve been hoping would happen from the moment I arrived in El Salvador.”

  “Me, too,” he said, his voice tinged with emotion.

  Relief flooded through her. “It’s just been so long since I’ve had any real excitement in my life. For the past few years, it’s all been about work and about making sure other people have what they need. People who have everything they need, but who can still manage to be pretty demanding. But yesterday, I finally felt like myself again, after trying to be someone else for so long. It was like the adventurous person I used to be was still there, just waiting for me to let her out. And you helped me do that, Bryce.”

  He looked as though she had slapped him. “I see,” he said. “So, just to be clear, last night was all about you kind of getting back in touch with your old self?”

  How had she managed to say the wrong thing? She tried to reassure him.

  “I just meant that I couldn’t have done that without you. I was trying to explain what last night meant to me. And I’d really like to know what it meant to you.”

  He was silent for a long moment, and then he said, “This is what I was afraid of. All this time, you’ve been trying to get back to your old self. But I remember who you were, too. You’re someone who’s always in search of excitement, and being here gives you a chance to find it. Being with me gives you a chance to find it.”

  Cassie was horrified. Did Bryce still think that for her, last night was just about finding a thrill? Even after everything they’d been through in the last twenty-four hours, all the ways in which she had tried to express how much he meant to her, she couldn’t believe that that was still how he thought about her.

  “Bryce, after last night, didn’t it feel to you as though something had changed between us? Didn’t it feel at all as though something new was happening?”

  He was quiet for a long time. Then his brown eyes pierced her heart as he said, “I thought that last night was about us. But it seems like it was about you. I’m glad you found yourself, I really am. But I’m looking for something more.”

  “Wait. Just let me explain. My words didn’t come out right the first time. Will you please just listen?”

  He leaned back in his seat. “I’m not going anywhere for a while.”

  “Ever since I was born, my diagnosis ruled my life. People were constantly telling me what I couldn’t do. And so once my heart was healthy, I was determined to do everything that I couldn’t do before. And I know that right at the height of my rebellious phase, I met you. You got caught up in my determination to prove myself. And that wasn’t fair to you, because it probably felt like I put our relationship second to maybe...wanting an adventure or a thrill. But I don’t know if anyone’s ever really been able to understand what that means to me. For me, being adventurous i
s about living life to the last drop. It’s about affirming that I actually am alive. Because I couldn’t really live for the first years of my life. I was just surviving.”

  He nodded thoughtfully. “So last night was one of those life-affirming experiences?”

  “Yes. But it was also special, because it was with you.”

  He seemed more relaxed now, and she took that as a good sign. “Maybe we shouldn’t put too much pressure or expectations on ourselves, and just see where things go,” she said.

  “Fair enough,” he replied. “But what do we tell people back at the camp?”

  She thought for a moment. “Do we...have to tell them anything? Maybe we could keep things just between ourselves for a while. Get a sense of how we feel before we go telling other people about how we feel.”

  He nodded, but she wasn’t sure how to read his expression. For a while, last night, Bryce had surprised her with his willingness to take chances. But at this moment, he seemed as guarded as ever.

  * * *

  The chicken bus lurched from side to side as it lumbered down the road. Cassie had fallen asleep, and her head dropped against Bryce’s shoulder. He didn’t mind it there. But their conversation had left him with a sense of unease.

  He wasn’t sure exactly how they were defining their relationship after their talk. He liked the idea of staying open to see where things would go, but he wasn’t certain he wanted to forgo telling their colleagues anything at all. He’d done the secret relationship thing with Cassie before.

  She just wants the excitement, a nagging voice said in the back of his mind.

  That wasn’t fair, though. It made sense not to tell their colleagues at the camp about their relationship while they were waiting to understand it themselves.

  And he’d been touched by how Cassie had explained her search for excitement. How she’d spent her childhood feeling not as though she were living but merely surviving. What must it have been like, for a young, ambitious Cassie, to be cooped up in a recovery room for months on end? To be prevented from going out and exploring the world? He could certainly relate to the frustration of a long, slow recovery, constantly being told what he could or could not do. His hands trembled a bit as he recalled the early days of his recovery after the accident. Everyone had told him to take things slow, but he’d been desperate to push his recovery as far as possible, to prove what he could do, instead of wallowing in grief over what he’d lost. Finding the patience to take things slow had been one of the hardest parts of his recovery.