Happiness for Beginners

by Carole Matthews

  Shelby blows out a breath. ‘I’ve always tried to put him off being a performer. For the majority, it’s such a precarious existence. But he’s really got something to offer, something unique. How can we bury our differences so that I can tell him how much I love this?’

  ‘You’ll find a way. Take it slowly.’

  He looks sad when he says, ‘When it comes to my son I seem to spend my life walking on eggshells.’

  ‘I suspect there are a great deal of parents out there who feel the same. The teenage years are a treacherous landscape.’

  ‘I hope you’re right.’

  The dusk is gathering quickly now and I glance at the clock. ‘I should wash up,’ I say. ‘It’s getting late and, unfortunately, the animals don’t know the meaning of a lie-in.’

  Shelby jumps up. ‘I’ll help. I’m sure I can remember what to do with the working end of a tea towel. It’s been a while though.’

  ‘I do my best thinking while I’m washing up.’ We move to the sink and I fill the bowl, add a frugal squirt of washing-up liquid and, as Shelby hands me the dirty plates and glasses, I set to. We’re cosied up together in the woeful space of my tiny caravan and I’m aware that Shelby is standing close by my shoulder. I get that funny feeling again. It’s nice, but I’m not sure I like it at all, if you know what I mean.

  He rubs away with the tea towel.

  ‘You handle that like a pro,’ I tease.

  ‘I should do this more often,’ he says. ‘It’s been a great evening, Molly. Thank you. I hope I haven’t bored you to tears, droning on about my life.’

  ‘Not at all. I’ve enjoyed it too. I get precious little company here.’

  ‘I haven’t felt this relaxed in years. I’ve got a six-bedroom mansion, but I realise that it’s not a home any more.’ He puts down his tea towel and looks at me. ‘You’re a very easy woman to talk to. I feel as if I can be myself with you. No pretence. No acting.’

  He steps towards me and gives me a warm, friendly kiss on the cheek. I don’t know how it happens, but suddenly his arms are around me and we’re holding each other tight. His fingers are in my hair and, when he kisses my cheek again, it feels different. His mouth lingers against my skin and the atmosphere has definitely changed. Even the air is charged with electricity. My knees feel weak and I want more than anything for him to kiss me properly.

  Just when I think he might, his phone rings. Shelby curses.

  ‘Fuck’s sake.’ He snatches his phone from his pocket and then looks at me. ‘Scarlett.’

  I try a nonchalant shrug and think I might pull it off. ‘You should take it.’ What else can I say?

  He moves away from me as he answers the phone. ‘Hello, darling.’

  The words stick a sharp little pin in my heart.

  ‘I can be there in half an hour. Less. Is Lucas at home? Get him to let you in if he is. If not there’s a separate bell for the housekeeper’s flat, ring that. Pour yourself a drink, I’ll join you as soon as I can.’ He hangs up and looks guilty when he tells me, ‘Scarlett has turned up at the house to surprise me.’

  ‘Ah.’

  ‘I should go.’

  ‘You can’t drive.’

  ‘Damn,’ he mutters. ‘It’s too late to call my driver out now. He’ll have his feet up watching television. I’ll phone a cab instead. Ken can come and collect the car in the morning.’ So he makes another couple of calls and organises it, while I put away the dishes and try not to crash them about. I don’t want him to go. That’s the truth of it. And, if I’m being really candid with you, I particularly don’t want him to go to Scarlett.

  ‘The cab will be here in ten minutes,’ Shelby says. ‘Then I’ll be out of your hair.’

  I want to tell him that I don’t want him out of my hair but, instead, I say, ‘Fine.’

  ‘Thank you, Molly. Thanks for today. Thank you very much.’

  ‘My pleasure.’ I try not to sound crisp, but I feel a little bit put out that he’s leaving.

  ‘Thank you for all that you do for Lucas. He’s lucky to have you.’

  It’s clear that he’s babbling now as all he wants to do is hightail it out of here and get home to the comforts of Scarlett. She wouldn’t let him stand and dry dishes, would she? I could kick myself for being so stupid.

  A few minutes later, there’s the crunch of gravel, the toot of a horn and I can see Shelby sigh with relief. The dogs bark their heads off.

  ‘That must be the cab.’ He looks out of the window. ‘It is.’

  ‘I’ll come out to lock the gate after you.’

  We pause and, for a moment, there’s a fraction of that spark between us once more.

  ‘Thanks again, Molly.’ Tentatively, he touches my arm and, I’m not an expert in these things, but it looks for all the world that he’d still like to kiss me. ‘I’ll be in touch.’

  Then he heads out of the door. The cab is parked up by the gate and I let Shelby out. The driver opens the door and Shelby slips into the passenger seat.

  He doesn’t look at me as the car makes a tricky three-point turn in the lane, but I’m unable to take my eyes off him and I can’t begin to tell you how disappointed I am to see him go.

  Locking the gate, I trudge back to the caravan, heavy of heart and deflated. I feel as if someone has burst my party balloon. I have a crush on him. Of that there can be no doubt. Like thousands of other women who watch him in his soap opera. I bet none of them have had him washing up in their caravan.

  I down the dregs of the wine, straight from the bottle. Then I get into my pyjamas and climb into bed. For the first time, I’m actually sad to be sleeping alone.

  ‘Fuck,’ I say to no one.

  Then Little Dog comes into the bedroom and lies down next to me on the duvet and that very nearly makes it all right.

  Chapter Fifty-Eight

  On Monday, I struggle to get my back off the bed. One late night and I’m thrown for the week. Drinking wine and getting up at five o’clock in the morning are not conducive.

  I didn’t sleep last night. It seems to be a recurring theme these days and you know why before I even tell you. I couldn’t stop thinking about Shelby sodding Dacre. The feel of his mouth on my skin, his fingers toying with my hair. Nothing I did could blank it out. I tried saying the alphabet backwards, counting sheep – including Anthony – and all those other things that they tell you to do to induce a deep slumber. It felt as if I’d had about ten minutes’ shut-eye before my alarm went off.

  I do my morning round on auto-pilot and barely remember my egg collection. Alan and Bev take the rest of the students out to the sheep paddock before their tutor comes. Alan is wearing a Beyoncé Sasha Fierce T-shirt and neither of us think to comment on it. Must be tired. I have three coffees and they still don’t manage to wake me up. I’m standing looking blankly out of the window of the tea room when a cab arrives and Lucas jumps out. He’s late, and that’s unlike him. Shelby’s driver gets out of the passenger seat and crosses to where Shelby’s car was abandoned last night, keys in hand. Lucas lets both vehicles out and then closes the gate. He stomps across the yard.

  Instantly, I suss that he’s in a right mood and can see the dark scowl on his face from here. What now?

  ‘Good weekend?’ I ask as he comes into the tea room, feigning cheerfulness.

  ‘No,’ he snarls back. Lucas throws himself into the sofa and becomes riveted to his phone.

  I make him a cup of coffee and hand it over. He takes it without thanks.

  ‘Your dad said you’d gone to a gaming convention to meet up with friends. Wasn’t it what you expected?’

  ‘It was rubbish,’ he snaps. ‘And I don’t have any friends.’

  I guess that was just another cover story to prevent Shelby from going with him. Poor Lucas. Poor Shelby.

  ‘Want to walk up to the barn with me after you’ve finished your coffee? The pig’s hooves need a manicure.’ It’s known as ‘trimming’ in the wider farming circles, but we like to embrace Bev’s
terminology here. ‘We can talk about it while we work.’

  Lucas glares at me. ‘I have nothing to say to you.’

  I frown at him. I see. I’m sure I know what this is about, but I want to hear him say it. ‘Are you cross with me?’

  He looks up at me and there are tears shining in his angry eyes. ‘You’ve seen what he’s like,’ Lucas says. ‘Why did you have to spend time with him?’

  Ah. I thought as much. ‘He came here to see how you were getting on,’ I tell him, softly.

  ‘You cooked dinner for him. He told me everything.’

  I wonder if he really did. ‘I knocked some pasta together as I would for anyone. He sounded lonely, Lucas.’

  ‘Seriously? He was fucking Scarlett Vincent by the time I got home.’ I can tell that he’s using coarse language to shock me and I have to admit that it works. What did I think they were going to do? Sit chastely on the sofa holding hands? ‘Didn’t seem all that lonely to me.’

  ‘He loves you very much, Lucas. He just doesn’t know how to tell you.’

  I’m sure that I see a tear roll onto his cheek, but Lucas flicks his fringe across his face.

  ‘He’s a twat.’

  ‘He’s a good man,’ I insist. ‘He’s just forgotten how to be a good father.’

  ‘I can’t believe you’ve fallen under his corny charm spell like everyone else.’

  ‘I’m trying to be impartial. As an outsider, I can see both positions, Lucas. Believe me, from where I stand, it looks as if both of you are hurting.’

  ‘I’m not hurting. I’m fine. I don’t need you. I don’t need anyone.’ With that he launches himself at the door and stamps out.

  I sigh to myself. If only I wasn’t so tired I could perhaps handle Lucas better today, but I can’t; my brain is sluggish and I feel as if I didn’t say the right things. Bugger.

  Instead of chasing after him, I decide it’s best to leave Lucas to his own devices for a while. I’ll talk to him again later when, hopefully, he’ll have cooled off a bit. I’m sad that he’s fallen out with me just as we were making good progress. I make myself another coffee, but my bones are aching and my head is still full of cotton wool.

  At lunchtime, Bev says, ‘I’ve just taken a call about some newborn lambs. Can we take in some outcasts? Only three of them. It’s that time of year.’

  Ewes can give birth to twins or triplets, but often only nurture one of the lambs. Sometimes they can be introduced to the mother for feeding, sometimes not. We have a reputation of taking in the rejects for hand-rearing. Most of our sheep have come to us that way. Looks like our thirty-eight are about to become forty-odd.

  ‘You said yes?’ I ask her.

  ‘When do we ever turn away a hard-luck case? They’ll be here later. I’ll deal with it.’

  ‘Put them in the stall behind Teacup. We can set up a feeder and the heat lamps in there.’ When they’re tiny, they need a bit of extra care on the colder evenings. I bought a feeder last year, so it means that I don’t have to do a midnight or three o’clock in the morning feed. With the feeder they can go through the night by themselves. That doesn’t mean it stops me from putting my dressing gown on in the dead of night to pop in and check on them.

  At lunchtime, when we’re all sitting down to eat together, Lucas is late back. I’ve put him a bowl of veggie curry to one side. When he eventually turns up, he sits as far away from me as possible and picks at his food, still sullen. The boy can certainly give good sulk.

  When she’s collecting the plates, Bev sidles up to me and whispers, ‘What’s up with golden boy?’

  I get up and go with her to the sink and whisper back, ‘He’s pissed off with me because Shelby spent the evening here with me.’

  Bev’s eyes widen. ‘He didn’t.’

  ‘Nothing happened.’ I sound more than a touch defensive.

  Her eyes widen further. ‘You’d tell me if it did?’

  ‘Of course,’ I hiss. ‘He came here to talk about Lucas.’

  She looks very disappointed by that. I don’t tell her that if I’d had time, I would have slipped into her slinky dress. ‘Still, Gordon Flinton in your old van!’

  I don’t like to tell her that it was very much the stripped bare Shelby Dacre. ‘He’s a nice man.’

  ‘He’s a smoking-hot, hundred per cent heart-throb!’ she murmurs.

  ‘If you say so.’

  She looks over her shoulder, checking that Lucas is still at the far end of the tea room. ‘So what are you going to do about him?’

  ‘I’ll spend some time with Lucas this afternoon. See if I can make it right.’

  ‘He was up with the Shire horses earlier. I don’t know what he was doing up there.’

  ‘By himself? Wasn’t Alan with him?’

  ‘No. Alan was in the barn. Want me to walk up there and make sure that they’re all right?’

  ‘He’s a good kid. I’m sure they’re fine.’ But something nags at me, nevertheless.

  Chapter Fifty-Nine

  Before I can suggest to Lucas that we go out together in the afternoon, he’s disappeared from the tea room. I look round the yard, but he’s nowhere to be found. When I go to the chicken run and the alpaca paddock, he’s not there either.

  I’m back at the yard when Alan and Bev come in from the sheep’s field. ‘Has anyone seen Lucas?’

  ‘No.’ They both shake their heads.

  ‘He must be up at the big field again,’ Bev suggests. ‘Keeping out of the way.’

  ‘I’ll walk up and see if he’s there.’ So I head out past the ponies, but there’s no sign of him. At the big field, I can see that the gate is open – the gate that should at all times be locked – and pick up my pace.

  When I reach the field, I can see that Sweeney and Carter have gone walkabout. They’ve wandered down to the next paddock and have knocked the fence over as they’ve gone exploring.

  ‘Damn.’ More unnecessary expense. More work for Alan.

  Rounding up the horses, I marshal them back into their own field and make sure that the gate is locked. Then I double-check it.

  I march down the hill, muttering crossly under my breath. As I near the yard, Lucas is coming out of the barn by himself. When he sees me, he looks furtive.

  ‘Lucas, Bev said she saw you up by the horses before lunch. Did you leave the gate open?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ he says. ‘I don’t think so.’

  ‘Well, they’ve been out and have knocked the fence over in the next paddock. Who else has been up here?’

  ‘I didn’t do it on purpose.’ He folds his arms, defensively. ‘Even if it was me.’

  ‘Oh, Lucas. What is wrong with you?’ I’m irritable today and it comes out more harshly than I intend.

  ‘I’m a complete fuck-up,’ he spits back. ‘You know that!’

  ‘You’re a bright, intelligent boy. I just wish, sometimes, that you’d use that brain of yours.’

  ‘I’ve had enough of this place.’ He storms off, shouting over his shoulder. ‘I’m done. You can’t make me stay.’

  ‘Lucas, come back.’

  ‘Fuck you.’

  That stings. I shouldn’t have shouted at him, but I’m cross and tired. I’m also upset that he may well be right about his father. Was he just acting in the caravan on Saturday? I don’t know. I’m annoyed with myself for falling for it if he was.

  I chase after Lucas, who’s marching ahead, hands jammed into the pockets of his hoodie. Little Dog runs along at my heel, barking excitedly as he thinks it’s a wonderful game.

  ‘Let’s sit and have a cuppa together and talk this through,’ I call out.

  ‘I’ve phoned the car to be picked up,’ he says. ‘Then I’m out of here and I’m not coming back.’

  ‘Lucas!’

  He runs across the yard, clambers over the main gate and races down the lane. I don’t have the energy to chase after him. I stop and stand where I am, heart pounding. Shitshitshit. I feel terrible. Truly terrible. With all my year
s of experience, I can’t believe I handled that so badly.

  Chapter Sixty

  I follow Lucas down the lane, jogging to try to catch up with him, but to no avail. When I get to the end there’s no sign of him. Perhaps he headed into the village to wait for his car. I’m out of breath, unaccustomed as I am to running, so I call his mobile but he doesn’t answer.

  Resigned to the fact that I won’t resolve this today, I head back to the farm. Little Dog, having given up the chase, is waiting patiently at the gate. My first port of call is the tea room in the hope that a good, strong brew will calm me down and put all this into perspective. Bev is sitting in there on the sofa when I arrive.

  ‘You look like a woman with the weight of the world on her shoulders.’

  I flop down next to her. ‘I feel like it.’ She waits for me to continue. ‘I’ve fallen out with Lucas. I think he forgot to the lock the gate on the big field this morning. When I went up there to find him, Sweeney and Carter were having a lovely outing. They’ve broken the fence on the next field. Again.’

  ‘Bugger.’

  ‘I know. More expense that we don’t need.’ I could actually cry. ‘I’m annoyed with myself at how I handled it. I shouted at Lucas when I really shouldn’t have. I’m the grown-up here.’

  ‘Yes, but you’re not a saint. You’ve got a lot to think about at the moment.’

  ‘I’m tired and crotchety. I took it out on him, which was wrong.’

  ‘I’ll talk to him if you like. Where is he now?’

  ‘He’s stormed off. Last seen legging it down the lane, swearing he was never coming back.’

  Bev puts her arm around me. ‘He will when he cools down. He loves it here.’

  ‘I don’t want to lose him.’ I know we shouldn’t get emotionally attached to our students, but it’s hard not to have your favourites and I feel that Lucas has such untapped potential.

  ‘Want a brew? Everything looks better after a cup of tea.’

  ‘Yes, please. My thoughts exactly.’ Though I feel as if I’ve drunk an ocean of tea in the last few weeks and it hasn’t really helped. ‘Put two tea bags and about eight sugars in it. A double brandy too, if you’ve got it.’