by Abby Brooks
“It rips your heart out, right? Shatters all you thought you had; destroys the way you see your life. The way you see yourself. I couldn’t even look at her after she told me. And here, I’d been faithful to her the entire time. Do the math, Ellie. We’d been together since middle school and I’d been faithful to her the entire time. I’m twenty-three years old and until last month, I’d only been with one woman. And apparently—as I’ve recently come to find out—she’d been with more than her share of men.” Bitterness wreaked havoc on his face, twisting his features with pain. “What kind of man am I? Blind and inexperienced, that’s what.”
“I’m here to tell you that being with one woman didn’t hinder your ability in the sex department.” Ellie smiled and shifted in her seat, leaning into the arm of the couch. “You gave me the best orgasms I’ve ever had in my life. Three of them in one go, if I remember correctly.”
James shrugged and ducked his chin.
That explains all the sleeping around, Ellie thought to herself.
He was embarrassed by his fidelity. Well, not the actual fidelity, but the lack of experience that came with it. And the drinking? If he admitted to mourning the loss of his home, she couldn’t help but wonder if it meant he actually mourned the loss of the family he hoped to build there. Was James a closeted family man?
“Who betrayed you, Ellie?” She looked up, surprised by his question and found his eyes trained on her face. She didn’t talk about the betrayal. Ever. Hadn’t even told Tessa. She didn’t want to give it power over her, by acknowledging the pain. It was hers and she controlled it by locking it away and keeping it hidden deep inside.
But James needed her to tell him. She could see it in his eyes. And if her honesty could help him, even a little, then maybe it would be worth opening that particular door, the one she’d locked so long ago.
“My mom.” The words scraped their way out of a black pit in her belly. “My dad died when I was six. An accident at work. My mom loved him with her entire soul.” Ellie watched her fingers twine together as if they were someone else’s. “She combusted. Disappeared. I spent three days alone because I didn’t know what else to do. I just kept waiting for her to come home. The woman who finally did wasn’t my mom. She was hard and cruel.”
Ellie’s mouth clamped down on the rest of the story. The abuse that followed. The day her mom gave up for real and dropped her off at the foster center and disappeared.
The years of foster homes with the entire rainbow of fruit flavors for parents.
Talking about it made her feel twitchy and open, vulnerable in the worst possible way. Like she was still that helpless little girl.
James sat up and pulled her into his arms. Kissed the top of her head, then her forehead, then each of her closed eyes, swiping away the tears that were her first indication she had started to cry.
“It’s a scary business,” he murmured. “Caring for someone.”
Ellie twisted so she could look into his eyes and she felt like she saw him. All of him. The hurt in his soul. The ache in his heart. The sweet man who felt like he needed to build a cage around himself so no one could ever hurt him again. And for an instant, it felt like he could see the echo of all that in her. The two of them sitting together, clear of all their armor, pain recognizing pain, and reveling in their sameness,
James kissed her. It wasn’t a kiss of passion or lust. It was communion. It was warmth. It was connection and empathy. Ellie closed her eyes and kissed him back.
When he finally pulled away she swallowed hard, still fighting tears.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t nice to you today,” he said, his forehead pressed to hers, his hands on her face, his thumbs caressing her cheek. “But you scare the hell out of me.”
Chapter Twenty
Ellie
Woken by her blaring alarm, Ellie tried to piece together how she ended up in bed. Alone. Rubbing her sleep laden eyes, she remembered drifting off on the couch, wrapped in James’ arms—the same place she expected to wake up. Stranger still, she was wearing the same clothes from the day before and her phone—still jangling away on her bedside table—had been plugged in.
She fumbled to turn off the alarm, then opened her eyes wide to remind her body it was time to be awake. After she was up and moving, she vaguely recalled James carrying her upstairs and tucking her in. But why hadn’t he just climbed into bed with her?
They’d shown their scars to one another. Bared their souls. Opened their hearts.
She couldn’t deny how good it felt to be honest like that with someone.
How good it felt, stepping out from behind the mask she always wore.
She stopped in the bathroom and washed out her mouth before padding downstairs to make coffee. Normally, she’d have prepared it the night before and set the auto brew, but nothing about the night before counted as normal. Considering her morning routine had been expertly whittled down to the essentials, and her alarm was set with exactly enough time to do what needed done, she knew she was gonna be late to work. Again.
James had been wreaking havoc on her schedule since that first night at Hurricane’s.
Stepping into the living room, Ellie was disappointed to find her couch empty. Her heart stuttered and her stomach hollowed out.
She knew that feeling.
She remembered when her mother used to stay out for days at a time, leaving her alone when she was barely old enough to use the microwave, then calling her a needy brat when Ellie had the nerve to tell her she’d been scared.
She remembered it from when her first foster dad told her she’d have to wear his younger daughter’s hand me downs, even though they were too small for her, because he wasn’t wasting his money on things for a temporary child.
James Moore could go to hell.
She spent years building up the walls she lowered for him and he had the balls to up and disappear? With a heavy sigh, she wandered into the kitchen and found a note taped to the coffee pot.
Ellie-
This won’t work. Thanks for being willing to help me, but I think it’s best if we just call the whole thing off.
James
She balled the paper up in her fist and squeezed her eyes shut. “Damn right it’s for the best.” Her voice echoed off the walls and rattled around in her skull.
If he was that big of a coward…
If he was so broken that he couldn’t handle a good thing when it literally curled into his lap…
…well…
…then good fucking riddance.
She didn’t have time for that kind of shit in her life.
Ellie raced through her morning, guzzling her coffee when it finished brewing and burning her tongue. At least, with James out of the picture, she could get back to going to sleep at a decent hour. Her mundane life might be boring, but maybe boring was good.
It was a Monday, so she didn’t have to worry about dealing with replacing Ben. Her weekday cook had a key and was already setting things up when Ellie finally arrived. She tried to bury her thoughts in busy work, but by the time she messed up her third order and forgot at least two of her most regular customers’ names, she gave up and called Tessa.
She needed to talk it through.
Needed the thoughts out of her head.
Needed to hear Tessa tell her to say good riddance to him, too.
Ellie picked up her phone and tapped out a text.
You up? Free coffee if you come see me.
She knew Tessa wouldn’t be awake. The sun had only been up a few hours and Tess didn’t open her eyes until morning was well on its way to afternoon. She put the phone down and busied herself by reorganizing the pastry display for the fourth time that morning. After about twenty minutes that idled by like an entire lifetime, her phone buzzed with a return text.
You’re cruel. Coffee necessary. See ya in 10.
Ellie smiled and brewed a fresh pot of Tessa’s favorite blend. She would need at least two full cups of the stuff before she could even
begin to focus on Ellie’s story, but that would give her time to decide just how much she wanted to share.
Would it hurt her friend’s feelings to know that Ellie had shared a piece of her past with James when Tess herself didn’t know about it? Probably.
Scratch that. Definitely.
“You’re a cruel and selfish woman,” Tessa said as she pushed through the door, her hair piled high on her head in a messy sports bun and dark sunglasses covering her eyes. “And you’re lucky I love you.”
“Believe me…” Ellie waved a cup of coffee toward Tessa like a white flag of truce. “I’m fully aware of how lucky I am.” She not-so-patiently waited until the caffeine worked its magic on her friend then filled her in on all that happened with James, still trying to decide how to navigate telling her about the way things went down the night before.
“You guys fucked in the office?” Tessa’s eyes were wide and thank God she had the good sense to whisper.
“Yeah. Can you believe it?” Ellie shook her head. “I’m still not sure I can.”
“Was it any good?”
A violent blush flared across Ellie’s cheeks and her eyes lit up. “Very. Best ever status.”
“Wow.” Tessa took a drink of her coffee and stared at Ellie.
“And he’s actually really funny. Really sweet and considerate. He makes me feel less alone.” Ellie frowned. “No, that’s not right. It’s hard to describe. It’s like he’s a prism and he takes the simple parts of me and changes them into something beautiful. And he's also a mirror because I look at him and see myself.”
“I see a big but written all over you face.” Tessa put her coffee down and touched Ellie’s hand. “What happened?”
Without thinking about what to say or how to say it, Ellie filled Tessa in on everything. “Then he showed up drunk at my doorstep and just opened up. Like, poured his heart out to me. He said that caring about someone is scary, and then he told me I scared him. It felt like this big moment. Like we were going to turn some big corner. Like maybe he was one step closer to healing after losing Erin like he did. And then this morning? He’s gone. And he left a stupid note, saying he was calling off our arrangement.”
“So, basically, he admitted that he cared for you.”
Ellie nodded.
“Right after he admitted that caring for someone scared him.”
Ellie nodded again.
“And you’re surprised that you woke up to find him gone?”
“Well, when you put it that way, I guess I shouldn’t be.”
Tessa shrugged. “I get it. You're hurt. You thought you’d crossed some line. But Ellie, you weren’t supposed to cross any lines, remember? The whole relationship is supposed to be fake. He’s not ready to deal with love again or he wouldn’t be using you as a shield against it. And the fact that he’s feeling something for you, when you were his first line of defense against feeling something for anyone? Just imagine how wrecked he’s feeling right now.”
“What about how wrecked I’m feeling right now?”
Tessa flared her fingers. “How honest do you want me to be?”
“I want you to be really honest.”
“This isn’t about you. It’s about him. And he’s broken. So you, being the kind and wonderful person that you are, couldn’t keep yourself from trying to help when he seemed to need it the most. You stayed with him when he asked you to. You didn’t respect the boundaries you guys set, and neither did he, but it’s not exactly a surprise that he’s freaking out now that he’s discovered he can’t ignore how awesome you are.”
“I’m not sure I’m following your logic. “
“That’s okay. I’ve not been awake long enough to have much logic in me.” Tessa took a long drink of coffee and held the cup out for a refill. “Here’s the thing. You care about him, don’t you?” She waited for Ellie to nod before she continued. “And I think it’s clear he’s starting to care enough about you that it scares him.”
“So what do I do?”
“Is he worth it? Is he worth risking your own heart in order to heal his?”
Ellie didn’t even have to ponder the question. She was nodding before Tessa finished asking. “I really think he is.”
“Then tell his ass that the deal is most definitely not off.” Tess’ features softened. “Just be careful, okay? Whatever you do, don’t put his needs over yours. Don’t get hurt so he can be whole. You’ve outgrown the Parasite Steve phase.”
“Ain’t that the truth.” Ellie took a deep breath and pulled out her phone. “I’m gonna text him right now.” Tessa gave her an encouraging nod and watched as Ellie typed out her message.
Found your note. I respectfully decline your offer to dissolve our agreement. I’ll be waiting for you to pick me up Wednesday for a highly public date and will be buying a new dress for the evening. Please do not waste my time or money by pulling a no show.
She pressed send without pausing to think. Tessa stuck around, providing moral support while Ellie waited for a response that never came. Hours passed and customers came and went and still, her phone sat silent on the counter beside her.
Monday night rolled into Tuesday morning and Tuesday morning rolled into Tuesday evening and still, no response from James.
Ellie stayed true to her word. She went shopping after closing for the day and bought a new dress, cringing at the cost even though she bought it at Goodwill. After checking her phone for the millionth time that day, she sent James another text.
Dress purchased. Money spent. Stand me up and face my wrath. :)
She agonized over the smiley face. Typed it in and erased it only to type it in again and finally just said to hell with it and hit send, hoping a little humor would lighten his ass up. At that point, she didn’t think she’d ever hear from him again. More than likely, he’d gone off on some drunken binge and was just too broken for his own good. When her phone buzzed just five minutes after hitting send, her stomach did a back handspring and her palms got sweaty. The text was from James, though it was maddeningly simple.
c u wed @ 6 ur house
What was with the shorthand?
Was he drunk?
Was he trying to seem nonchalant? He’d always typed out his texts like a literate adult. And what was with making her wait two whole days before confirming? Was he trying to piss her off?
It didn’t matter. None of it did. Tessa was right. She needed to approach James like she would a wounded animal. Slowly. Cautiously. And regardless as to whether he lashed out or pulled away, she’d just keep moving forward.
Chapter Twenty-One
Ellie
James arrived at Ellie’s promptly at six o’clock Wednesday evening, sober. His somber face lit up when he saw her. “Damn, you look fantastic.”
“Why, thank you. You don’t look half bad yourself.” Ellie intended to keep the evening light and fun and to shy away from anything that might elicit feelings of any sort from either one of them.
“So,” he said as she closed and locked her door. “Listen, about the other night—”
Ellie pressed a finger to his mouth, squishing his lips closed. “Don’t say a word. There’s no need. We’re good. We’ll just play this light and easy and realize that sometimes one of us might trample on something that hurts and we need to ease off. In the meantime, we’ll put on a good show for everyone out there.”
She paused, trying not to fall headfirst into those mahogany eyes as she waited to see if he understood what she meant. When he nodded, she smiled and took off down the sidewalk, her heels clicking nicely on the concrete. Wind blew in off the ocean, carrying the first hint of fall with it and lifting the edges of her dress around her thighs.
She looked back over her shoulder at James who was still leaning against the brick, his hands shoved into the pockets of his dress pants, the tails of his button-down shirt hitched over his wrists. “You just gonna stand there, or are you coming with me?”
James pushed off the wall and shrugged. �
��Can’t help it if I like the view from back here.” He strode toward her, his gait strong and sure, muscular and controlled. She thought of things like tigers and wolves and great, powerful beasts that fought for what they wanted and instilled fear in those lesser creatures around them. It was the first time she’d seen him look like that and it sent a charge through her body. What was different? Was it because he was sober?
“Where are you taking me?” she asked, pushing away thoughts of what he looked like naked. This was a business partnership. Nothing more, nothing less.
“I thought that since you forced this date on me, you’d be taking me somewhere.”
Panic set Ellie’s stomach into a series of tumbling flip-flops. She couldn’t afford to take him anywhere. She’d gotten a disconnect notice from the power company that very morning. “James,” she said, coming to a stop and wrapping her arms around her stomach. “I can’t—”
“On my dime.” He touched her shoulder. “Our deal was quite specific. You hang on my arm for a few months and get my family off my back. I take you out and show you a good time. All I meant was that you might have an idea as to where you want to go.”
“Oh.” Ellie’s shoulders slid down from her ears, and she took a minute to think. “It’s a gorgeous night. What about walking to Hurricane’s?”
“Sounds like a plan.” James wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her in close. They chatted about everything and nothing as they walked, and he never let her go. Even though she knew it was for show, his constant contact felt nice. She decided to enjoy it for what it was and not get caught up in attempting to decipher what it could mean. Her apartment was only a few blocks from Hurricane’s, and it didn’t take them long to get there. The hostess gave them a funny look as they walked in, then led them to a table far from the bar.