How to Be Human

by Ruby Wax

  The job of an evolutionary psychologist is to dig into the primitive biases that affect our judgements, decisions and choices. I met with a very accomplished one called Andrew Dellis, and he told me about the results of research done on identifying our more primitive drives. (I found it deeply disturbing.)

  He said we need to understand that we’re motivated by biological forces, and this will then allow us to think twice before reacting blindly to a situation. A little knowledge of human behaviour means you might make a better decision, and also give yourself a break if you choose a partner who’s a dud.

  In one experiment it was found that women are more attracted to the alpha male when ovulating because of an innate desire for strong genes. This means they’ll be more attracted to guys with masculine, symmetrical faces, because this, they say, is an indication of healthy genes.

  It appears that this type of guy hooks the innate desire for what’s called ‘maximizing inclusive fitness’, which refers to maximizing the number of offspring likely to survive, ensuring our genes are passed on. (Strangely, I don’t think of that when I see those gorilla men.) This alpha comes with a full tank of testosterone, which is supposedly an indication of a strong immune system, meaning a greater chance for the kids to inherit it. Sadly, this über male also comes with a tendency to be dominant and aggressive. Maybe so many women stand for that macho bullshit simply to get some of those über genes.

  Evolutionists suggest that when a woman isn’t ovulating she’ll be attracted to a more caring, feminized type of man, maybe less buff but more secure. One of the reasons she might consider the safer male is because she has a limited amount of eggs and the gestation is relatively long so she might want to find a partner who’ll stick around until the offspring leave home. (These days, that can be up to about forty-five years.) Men don’t need to invest in the one fertilized egg because they can spray thousands more, right up to the grave. If the human baby did what other animals do – swim or fly away after birth – both males and females could go off and find someone else if they chose and life would finally be fair.

  All I’m trying to say is, if you’re going to get married to someone, make sure you don’t meet him when you’re ovulating. You might just have been blinded by lust and he will not be a stayer.

  Another experiment with a group of women involved giving them men’s T-shirts to smell. On average, they were more drawn to the smell of the men who had a stronger immune system. Apparently, you can smell that. Imagine the sales figures if you could buy it in the shops? (Eau de T-shirt.) The lesson here is think first, smell later.

  Men don’t know what they’re looking for; the explosion of images of fantasy women (see porn and models) bears no relation to actual women. This could be why men feel disappointed when they find out you have imperfections, like body hair.

  My friends always want to know, given the choice, do they go with the roller-coaster, passionate sex addict or the guy you can watch TV with? (Again, my advice is not to make your choice of male while you’re ovulating – you may make a terrible mistake.)

  There are species that have the answers. Take the bonobo, the most liberal animal of them all. The females have sex with males only when they’re ready to replicate and roll. The males engage in something called ‘penis fencing’ to win over the girl or, if they’re gay, just to enjoy it (like penis fighting is going to turn the girls on?). When the girls aren’t breeding, they spend their time having sex with everyone, willy-nilly, male or female … all the time. What’s wrong with them as a role model? I’m just saying, there are other ways to skin a cat, sexually.

  My Story

  Perhaps Ed just had the right smell at the right time. His smell seems to have lingered, because I haven’t gone on to sniff anyone else. I thought I had chosen Ed for more subtle reasons, i.e. his length (long legs), so that my children and their children would get more than the stubs I inherited, which eliminated my career as a showgirl and catwalk model. This feature Ed has is also what’s known as an ‘evolutionary advantage’, in that the Homo sapiens with the longer legs could stride over larger areas of terrain to find food. We short, stubby ones fell behind but, luckily, my people were funny, so probably someone with legs gave us a lift on their back (that’s my interpretation of why the Waxes exist today).

  Also as far as I’m aware, I chose Ed because he had Grade-A sanity genes and I felt that would break the chain of thousands of years of Wax madness in one fell swoop. (I chose correctly, because none of my three children take crack, which I assume defines them as normal.) We’ve been together twenty-eight long years. Many people would say that it’s a miracle. I mean, if Brad and Angelina couldn’t keep it up, no one can. You’d think adopting a child from every Third World country, all of whom they no doubt love, would be enough glue to keep them together. Nope. And it didn’t work out so well with Mia Farrow and Woody Allen either (I made sure we never adopted a good-looking Vietnamese child who could iron clothes, and that Ed might run away with). It all depends on what you mean by a successful relationship, and I’ll bet no one really knows. Love comes in many packages and we experience it in different ways; some need the fireworks of high hormones, others just want someone to face them while they eat so they don’t feel lonely. There are people you hear about who are crazy about each other to the very end, dying together on a park bench while holding hands. I have never met them but have heard through urban myths that they exist. I’m sure if I interviewed them I’d probably get bored, so I’m sticking with those who are still floundering.

  What Goes Wrong in a Relationship?

  According to evolutionists, although we’re a pair-bonding species, we’re not built for the long haul. We’re only monogamous, from a biological standpoint, up to when our children are able to survive on their own. These days, kids don’t leave home until they’re forty-five, as I said, so now some of us stay with our spouse a horrendously long time. There’s a comedian who once said, ‘My wife and I had thirty wonderful years and then we met.’

  I heard someone else say that, unless you work on a relationship, it will die (unless you have no disagreements … and if you claim that, you’re lying). Obviously, any relationship changes as it goes on but, if you stay curious about your partner and keep the communication lines open, it will last. If you find you have nothing in common, in my opinion, there’s no shame in calling it a day. Some unhappy couples really believe they have to swallow crap till death do them part. (I’m talking about open warfare, not the normal bitching that comes with the deal.) If you have kids, it is more complicated but, even then, you have to weigh it up and decide. Will the damage be worse if you split up or if you stay?

  There are also relationships where one or both go quiet, stonewalling the other, thinking if they keep schtum, they’ll have a quiet life. This tactic never works because some day one of you will detonate and the explosion will be heard for miles around, especially by the kids. Don’t think they’re not picking up every last scrap of hostility. You can’t kid a kid.

  I also know people who married someone they loved but, many years later, they say that their partner is no longer the same person they once knew. Why is this such a surprise to everyone? Every cell in your body is completely replaced every ten years by new ones – what are the chances the two of you will still have things to talk about? Your new pile of cells may not like the other person’s new pile.

  With relationships, we sometimes choose an innocent bystander to pin ‘the perfect partner’ label on and then, a few years afterwards, we blame them for not being who we presumed they were. Mostly, we aren’t aware why we’re attracted to someone and it could simply be because they remind us of another person. I have a friend who married someone who had Tom Cruise’s nose. Years later, things fell apart, because he didn’t really act like Tom Cruise (as seen in films). You can’t divorce someone because they didn’t live up to their nose.

  Whoever you happen to end up with, they cannot fulfil all your needs, because we are n
ot one single entity, we have many sides to us. In a single hour, I can be childish, tyrannical, deep, shallow, deceitful, manipulative, compassionate … the list is long. I change depending on who I’m with, where I am, the time of day, my hormone levels and how hungry I am. We are all in a constant state of flux, so what are the chances of being in sync with another person for longer than a few minutes? It’s a miracle that marriages last longer than half an hour. In certain moods, Ed is a joy to be around; in others, I could happily club him, especially when he eats.

  One thing that makes our relationship work is that neither of us thinks of ourselves as a couple. We are two individuals who happen to laugh at the same jokes and have each other’s back. We don’t think of ourselves as an ‘us’; we are each an ‘I’. And we don’t harp on about how different we are from when we first met. It’s a hard, cold but true fact that everything and everyone changes. We have to acknowledge the fact that the only thing that’s constant about anything is change. Our bodies and minds are more verb than noun; they flourish, erode, age, replenish and gain energy.

  Ed and I know we’re different people now. Time moves on. You can’t blame each other for that.

  What to Expect from a Partner through the Ages

  One thing that helps when you’re choosing a partner is to be aware of where you are in your life and to imagine how that might change. There are certain set points in life where your interiors and exteriors have a rehaul. Many of us don’t want to know this, because we don’t like to notice change but, just like puberty, which is undeniable, we have other extreme biological tectonic shifts throughout our lives. I’m here to tell you what they are before they take you by surprise. It may sound cold but all of this is to help you and I’ve found no one ever tells you about these changes, so I’m going to. I wish someone had told me.

  18–25 years old

  For both men and women: follow your hormones during these years. Have as much sex as you can (not forgetting birth control) but don’t make any commitments because, right now, your biology is in the sex driver’s seat while your mind is out of town. Don’t try and look for your underpants the next day, you will never find them. Keep in the back of your mind that the drip feed of passion will, someday, sooner rather than later, dry up. Don’t confuse a shag with being in love. It’s confusing because oxytocin is released in an orgasm but is also associated with love. So if he/she doesn’t call you again, just say to yourself, ‘I just feel this way because of a release of oxytocin so, no biggie.’ Basically, ignore your mind and let your genitals be your guide.

  25–30 years old

  For women: you have five years where you can, guilt free, build a career or travel. After thirty, if you have children, you’ll always feel guilty, whether you choose to stay at home with the baby, giving up your career, or go to work and leave the baby. It’s a lose–lose situation. Take advantage of these five years: you will never be this free again.

  For men and women

  You should still have as much sex as possible because the hormones are up there bubbling away. Also, this is probably the time you’ll have your best body, so throw it around as much as you can before the big flaws start and gravity does its worst. I don’t want to discuss what those are; you’ll find out.

  30–45 years old

  It’s almost impossible at this point to picture that, someday, something called menopause will fly into your window (for the men, it’s penile dysfunction). If you’re in your early thirties, forget I said these things and just have a great time dancing, laughing, having sex in lit rooms, drinking all night and not getting a hangover … I am getting so depressed writing this, I’ll move on.

  Around 34

  For women: if you’re deciding on a partner, be aware of what kind of life you want. Do you want the successful alpha who may be able to accessorize you until you’re about fifty-five and then it’s probably bye-bye, because alphas are in great demand and there will usually be younger female spares waiting around to overthrow you? Look out your window: they’re circling like vultures at this very moment. Some of them are just being born.

  For women

  Alternatively, if you want to ensure that, when you get older, there will be someone around to clean out your bedpan, go for the more feminized, nice guy. He may not be a stud but he won’t mind changing your nappy. You may get bored, but who else is going to do this job?

  For men

  You don’t have to make any decisions. Just go on working and playing. If you have any guilt about the kids, your wife will feel it for you.

  By 45

  For women: if you were thinking of having kids, think again – well, maybe don’t think because, chances are, you’re low on eggs. Now, you should start to think about what a great life is waiting for you without children. You’ll be free to do what you want, when you want and not have to think about someone else all the time. The mistake people make at this age is to get a cat or dog; then they’re slaves to their pets and can’t go out for fear that the pet will have a heart attack in their absence. Single life is a great life, but it’s better to decide before forty-five so you’re not taken by surprise. I have many friends who, like myself, refused to acknowledge that we age … but, in some areas, it’s not up to us; our eggs, or lack of them, will decide.

  For men

  Just keep going the way you’ve been going. You can get married at ninety and still breed, so there’s no rush.

  45–50 years old

  For men and women: if you’re not married at this stage and want to be, I suggest going on the lastminute.com dating site, or just find anyone with a pulse and throw a ring on it. The good news is, a culling might have happened where one of your married friend’s partners has died, so now is the time to swoop in there and get the living one. It’s a second-chance time for old newly-weds.

  If you’re married, you’ve probably had a free ride to this point because, what with the kids, you don’t have to pay so much attention to each other. So far, you’ve always had something to talk about: the kids. You’ll complain about the ‘terrible teens’ and roll your eyes, wishing for the day they grow up. Be warned: when they finally do grow up and leave, you’ll look at your partner and probably have nothing to say. Kids are the world’s greatest distractions while you’ve got them but always remember that, someday, they will go. I know this is almost impossible to imagine, because we don’t know what’s going to happen until it hits us in the face. I’ve found that planning is power but their departure will still kill you.

  My Story

  At a late age, while my kids were taking their A levels, I enrolled at university. This would guarantee that I would be the one leaving with my suitcases packed and they would be left sobbing in the doorway. When I’d come home to visit, they were always happy to see me, and even learned to cook for themselves in my absence. Two years passed, and I passed. It’s all worked out; all is forgiven now. They even came to my graduation and filmed me getting my Master’s at Oxford. They looked so proud watching me from the balcony of the Athenaeum as important people spoke in Latin and I had to bow every once in a while. (It was one of the happiest days of my life.) My kids said everyone else looked sombre, but I was smiling and beaming so insanely that I looked like a demented clown head. I posed with my family in my bat gown and square, tasselled hat, like you’re supposed to when your kids graduate. Basically, when they left home for university, I was already gone. It was win-win. I’m smart; they’re smart.

  For women

  Once the kids are gone, you may find, if you’ve stayed at home and given up your career, that you’ve lost your mind (not all of you but, in my experience, quite a few). No one warns you about the empty-nest thing, and then it’s there and you better have a safety net. This is the stage where the chance of divorce is at its peak; around 35 per cent of couples throw in the towel. At this point, the wife has nothing to talk about except her new hobby, making pots out of sawdust, or the husband wants out because he wants to be young again
. The wife can’t make that happen, but a twenty-five-year-old can. Don’t worry, later, she’ll get dumped too, because he’ll keep getting old so he’ll have to keep recycling the women for a newer model.

  50–65 years old

  For men and women: if you’re married and have been for a long time, you’ll notice that the stories are on a loop; you’ve heard them all before. You will deliver the punchline of jokes before he/she does. Inevitably, you’ve both run out of material. For women: at this point, you can stop shaving your legs and start gaining weight without fear – unless you’re with an alpha, and then I’d say keep shaving and throw in a facelift. If you married an alpha, at this stage, he’s either long gone or going tomorrow, so don’t make plans for dinner. If you’re with a nice guy, he won’t notice or mind you turning into a fat carpet.

  65–99 years old

  I have no idea. I assume, if you’re with the nice guy, you don’t even have to sleep in the same room, eat in the same room or even breathe in the same room. When you get seriously old, you won’t even know he’s there. If you are still in love by this age, still exchanging large amounts of oxytocin, you’ve won the jackpot. This makes the Oscars and the Booker Prize pale into insignificance. Very few enter this sacred realm of being in love and faithful as an octogenarian, but we can all do it if we learn that life is a compromise and we are containers full of contradictions. We want everything – danger and safety, company and solitude, talking and silence, freedom and boundaries – and if we can resolve that in our heads, we won’t blame the other person for making us feel short-changed. You are the interior decorator of your life. (I made that up.) Happiness is wanting what you have, not having what you want. (I didn’t make that up.)