Look Twice

by M. Garzon

  “Okay, I fixed the mix-up with the stabling at Blainville,” she said finally. “And you’re entered at Bromont. I hope Moose likes the footing better this year.”

  Something very akin to envy suddenly gripped me, and I bent my head and busied myself with my plate. I tried to imagine what my life would be like if I had a supportive parent who didn’t just tolerate my love for this sport, but actively helped me. Who arranged show entries and accommodations and travel plans... all the stuff I did myself, in between working in the barn and going to school. Yet I was competing against people like Alex, who did nothing but ride full-time and consequently got better and better. I took a breath and reminded myself to be happy for Alex; he was a good guy and certainly deserved his luck. And in any case, I wouldn’t trade my life for anything, because mine included Jaden. I looked up with a smile on my face.

  The next morning I got Marty and Hades ready for the long drive home. Once we were underway I texted Jaden and Seth to let them know and settled in for some serious brooding. I didn’t regret my decision, but there was no question that this was a big setback to my dreams. Campaigning only one horse was risky; horses can get injured or sick, and a rider with only one mount was less likely to be on the Olympic team. Of course, I was a long way from there yet, but that was my ultimate goal, though I rarely spoke of it. On top of the time, talent and perseverance that every Olympic discipline requires, the equestrian sports also demand large amounts of money. Which I didn’t have. Which meant that either I had to suck it up and learn to deal with ignorant owners, possibly compromising my ethics, or else I should be honing my bank-robbery skills. I was mildly alarmed to find myself contemplating money-making crimes and instead turned my thoughts to home. More specifically, to Jaden. He’d texted to let me know he’d be waiting, although given Dec’s current mood he wouldn’t be staying the night. The thought of his strong, warm embrace was about the only thing keeping me from breaking down in the truck.

  When we finally arrived I crawled stiffly out of the back seat and stretched. Jaden and Dec came out of the barn together, and I repressed my impulse to run to Jaden. When we were hidden on the far side of the truck he hugged me briefly, and I felt my worries begin to melt.

  “Welcome home,” he murmured.

  I smiled at him, wondering at the crease in his brow. I hadn’t told anyone at home about Marty yet; I knew they’d have questions and it seemed pointless to worry them until we could discuss it. But Jaden already seemed worried.

  “Is everything okay?” I asked as we carried in my tack trunk together. Before he could answer, Seth descended on me and grabbed the trunk handle away.

  “Hey shorty! How was the show? Damn it’s quiet around here when you’re gone.” He ruffled my hair and smiled before following Jaden. I was left standing alone, feeling oddly disquieted at the contrast in the greetings I’d just received.

  When everything was put away we gathered in the kitchen. It was past dinner time, which I’d skipped in the truck, but we got drinks and I broke the news about Marty. Seth and Jaden were sympathetic, but Dec looked worried.

  “Do you think he’ll be moving out?” he asked.

  “I really don’t know,” I said quietly, my eyes on the tabletop.

  That we might lose a boarder because of my decision was one of the things I’d worried about during the drive. I looked up; Dec was giving me a calculating sort of look, but Jaden wasn’t looking at me at all.

  After the others left Jaden glanced at me. “Come with me.”

  I wasn’t surprised since I knew by this point that something was wrong. He didn’t say anything as we headed toward the barn, but I could feel tension coming off him in waves. As soon as we’d climbed to the hayloft he turned and crossed his arms over his chest.

  “Why didn’t you tell me that you spent the night with Alex?” he demanded.

  I spent a minute just staring at him, dumbfounded, before I found my voice again.

  “I didn’t spend the night ‘with Alex’. I didn’t have a place to stay so he offered to let me crash in the trailer. With him and his mother. And how do you even know?” I added as an afterthought.

  “I didn’t realize it was a secret,” he said acidly.

  “It’s not! It’s just... no big deal,” I protested.

  “Not telling me that you’re spending the night in the company of another man is a big deal to me,” Jaden said. Both his face and voice were grim.

  “I had other things on my mind! I’d just lost my mount, I was humiliated at the show, I had no place to sleep — it wasn’t exactly my best day ever!”

  He nodded rigidly. “You have a terrible day and you don’t even want to tell me about it? You couldn’t manage to find five seconds to text me?”

  I shrugged irritably. “You know I’m no good at talking when I’m upset.” Like now.

  “Yet you spoke to Alex, presumably.” The flat, hard pitch of his voice made me quail.

  “I can’t believe you’re acting like this.” I’d barely slept the night before, and the events of the last twenty-four hours suddenly came crashing down on me. I hung my head, feeling tears sting my lids. I heard Jaden make a sound of frustration and move away. When I was fairly sure I wasn’t going to cry I looked up to find him sitting on a bale, cradling his head in his hands. I hesitated, then walked over and stood between his knees. He pulled me down onto his leg.

  “For what it’s worth, I realize that this was innocent on your part.” He sighed.

  I wrapped my arms around him and rested my head on his shoulder. I could feel some of the tension drain out of his body now that we were touching.

  “Yes, it was. So why does it bother you so much?”

  “Why? Mi amor, I’ve seen how you look at Sharleen.” An amused light came into his eye, and his mouth was tugging up at one corner.

  “I...but...” I paused, flustered. I hadn’t known that Jaden was aware of how Mateo’s groom looked at him, much less that he knew how I felt about it.

  “That’s different,” I said finally. “She so obviously undresses you with her eyes. It’s not decent.”

  “And men do the same to you,” he growled. His hand slid up my thigh as he spoke, and a shiver passed through my entire body. Maybe it was the suddenness of the movement, or maybe it was my tiredness, but the shivering didn’t entirely stop. His hand remained on my leg, not moving now. He looked me in the eye.

  “No more staying with Alex.” It was plainly not a request.

  I was having a hard time concentrating, but somewhere in the back of my head I knew I wasn’t happy with that edict.

  “What am I supposed to say if he offers again?” I asked eventually. “‘Jaden won’t let me’?”

  He gave a wolfish grin. “Yes, send him to me next time. I don’t mind explaining at all.”

  I wanted to roll my eyes, but the warmth of his hand on my thigh was very distracting.

  “This is duress, you know,” I complained weakly. My breathing seemed to be uneven — how had that happened?

  “No,” he disagreed, his voice low in my ear, “this would be duress...”

  His lips found mine as his hand twined into my hair, while the hand on my leg resumed its travels up and down my thigh, making my heart rate spike dangerously. The kissing alone would have been enough to make my resistance crumble, but after a few seconds of this, I was afraid I would agree to anything he asked of me. It was pathetic, really.

  “No more,” he murmured against my lips. He kissed me again, harder this time. “Sleepovers with boys,” he finished in a whisper.

  “Okay,” I gasped. I really didn’t know when I’d become such a pushover.

  When I talked to Seth about it the next day I was surprised to find him sympathetic to Jaden.

  “But you know it’s not like that with Alex,” I protested.

  “For you.” Seth shrugged. “But he’s a guy.”

  “Meaning?”

  “Meaning that every guy thinks about sleeping with his fem
ale friends. It doesn’t mean he’ll act on it, but the thought’s there. Jaden knows that.”

  I pondered that bit of news as I cleaned the tack I’d brought to the show. “So how does Julia deal with all the girls around you?”

  “Just how you’d think.” He laughed. “She’s all but bought blinders for me.”

  * * *

  Marty’s owner moved him out shortly afterward. I was relieved that I wouldn’t have to watch anyone else ride him, but I was going to miss the little Thoroughbred and his saucy ways.

  That same week we got responses to our school applications. I’d been accepted at Guelph University, my first choice in part because it was a forty-five-minute drive away. Probably an hour in winter. But Seth had gotten into McMaster, which was in Hamilton — an hour in the opposite direction. It was the first time in our lives we’d be going to separate schools, and we exchanged a long, anxious look at the news. Seth had wanted to apply to Social Sciences, but Dec had torpedoed that idea by saying he’d never get a decent job, so Seth was doing a year of general studies to try to boost his math grades. Dec reasoned that if Seth wanted to be a mechanic, then mechanical engineering was a logical choice. I’m not sure Seth saw it that way, though.

  Dec used to always call Seth ‘Tiger’ when we were kids, although you could hardly find a less aggressive child. It used to annoy the heck out of me, as though he was trying so hard to impose his view of what Seth should be like that he effectively changed his name. Dec always wanted Seth to be tougher, more assertive, but it just wasn’t in his nature. I used to wonder why someone would have a child only to spend all their time trying to change him. But then, Dec hadn’t chosen to have us. We were the price tag for having my mother, the superfluous accessories that came as part of the package. But I wished, then and now, that Dec could appreciate Seth for his sweetness, his humor, and his kindness.

  * * *

  My friends were all abuzz about another big event: prom. And they were all upset, to varying degrees, that I wasn’t going.

  “I can’t believe you’re making me go on my own.” Teri pouted in the hallway at school one day. Teri was a very undemanding friend, but she’d broken up with her boyfriend Rob not long before and naturally wanted some moral support.

  “You know Kabir’s gonna be totally bummed,” Seth added, grinning. Seth’s best friend probably wanted an excuse to get in a last dance with me, now that he knew his crush would be forever unrequited.

  I closed my locker and turned around. “Sorry, guys. The Summer Classic’s that weekend, and Dec won’t let me go back to Quebec until school’s done so I’m missing two big shows there. I’m not missing the Classic too. Anyway, I don’t care about prom.”

  It went deeper than that; I hadn’t really enjoyed my time in high school. All my life, I’d been a bit of a misfit. First I was the kid with no father, not even one she saw on weekends. Then, when we’d moved to the farm, I’d been the new kid at a school that saw few new faces. I worked hard at home and so couldn’t participate in school sports or extra-curricular activities. Then my mom died... and then Blaze. Kids started avoiding me as though the miasma of misfortune surrounding me was somehow catching. With the right kind of looks and personality I could have overcome those obstacles — Seth had, after all. But my only distinguishing characteristic was a propensity for putting my foot in my mouth, so I was regarded largely as an oddity. It didn’t bother me much, but I was looking forward to moving on.

  To my surprise, Jaden was equally upset about my plans to skip prom. I wouldn’t have asked him to go; when I recalled the glitzy New Year’s Eve bash he had taken me to I would have been embarrassed to reciprocate with a high school dance, even if it was prom. But Jaden thought differently.

  “You’re really going to let her miss her own prom?” he asked Dec.

  Dec gave a careless half-shrug. “There’ll be other graduations. University, now, that one’s far more important. And after that, graduate school.”

  I felt the familiar sear of resentment inside me at his assumptions. My path was so clearly marked out for me.

  Since the polo season started Jaden had — slowly and carefully — begun spending more time at our place. Dec’s discomfort with our relationship was overshadowed by his enjoyment of his favorite nephew’s company, and for our part, Jaden and I were careful to show no overt signs of affection.

  After doing the bedtime check of the barn that night Jaden pulled me past the house and into the trees. It was a nice night, and once we were hidden from view he leaned against a tall elm and pulled me to him. I fitted my body against his and filled my lungs with his ambrosial scent.

  “Are you really certain you want to miss your prom?” he murmured after a minute. “It’s your last chance to celebrate with your friends.”

  I thought about it before answering, wanting to explain it right.

  “My real friends will endure beyond high school. As for those other kids, I don’t have anything in common with them. I mean, girls who get mad because their mom read their diary? I wish I had a mom around to invade my privacy. Kids who complain when their parents won’t buy them a new phone, or whose major worry in life is who they’ll go to the dance with... that’s just so far from my world.”

  Jaden caressed my hair silently. I looked up to find his face creased with worry.

  I smiled at him, trying to dispel his mood. “It doesn’t matter to me, honestly. It would have been nice to show you off, though,” I joked.

  He considered me for a minute. “We don’t need prom for that. What time do you have lunch?”

  Jaden showed up at lunchtime the next day. He was wearing dark shades and a tight black T-shirt that almost did justice to his ripped body. He strolled casually through a sea of gaping faces in the cafeteria before stopping next to my table.

  “I’ve got a picnic in the car if you’d care to join me.”

  Teri waved me away, smiling hugely, and I grabbed my unopened lunch and stood up. Jaden leaned down and kissed me lazily before taking my bag from me. The prickling of hundreds of eyes made me blush furiously as we walked through the cafeteria, his arm wrapped around me. When the outside air had cooled my face I grinned up at him.

  “Well, that should keep the rumor mill working for a while.”

  It was a better high school finale than prom could ever be.

  Nine

  I missed my friends at the horse show. I only saw Karen intermittently and Alex was still showing in Quebec, so I found myself hanging out mostly with the Tremblays. Their daughter Emma was my student and had brought her star pony, Cameo.

  The sky was overcast Saturday afternoon when I coached Emma in her warm-up for the Large Pony Hunter class. She was eleven and still had many years to look forward to with her lovely grey pony, but they were already doing very well.

  I led Cameo to the gate and peered up at Emma. She always got very nervous before her classes and her face was pinched with anxiety.

  “Just remember your course and you’ll be fine,” I assured her, patting her knee. “You’re a rock star.”

  That made her smile, and I watched her trot into the ring with a feeling of pride. Her parents joined me at the in-gate. Emma put in a good round, and got second place in the class and third in the hack immediately following it.

  After she’d put her pony away I watched Emma run to her dad.

  “You were great out there, Doodlebug,” he said, hugging her. “Come on, let’s go get some ice cream.”

  He held her hand as she skipped alongside him, her blond ponytail bouncing. I turned away, confused and ashamed by the bitter jealousy I suddenly felt toward this innocent child. I liked Emma and her parents — what was wrong with me?

  Hades’ jumper class the next day started admirably. The skies had cleared and we were both in a good mood as he negotiated the course. He had power to spare for the size of the fences, but halfway through he fell apart, lost his balance and started knocking down rails, and I left the ring disappointed. Whe
reas Marty had been limited by his physical potential, with Hades I felt like I’d barely scratched the surface. We were being slowed not by his ability, but by my capacity to harness it — I hadn’t quite managed to get him to package together his big body.

  It was late when I got home that night, and Seth was already asleep. Probably tired out from partying at prom, I thought with a smile. I woke up still thinking about Hades. I didn’t want to discuss it with Dec, who already thought the horse was too powerful for me, but I did admit my worries to Gran. She was helping me feed since Seth had overslept, and when I told her about Hades she paused in pushing the grain cart, causing the horses near her to stamp and snort angrily.

  “When I was a girl in England our eventing horses were mostly Thoroughbreds,” Gran said thoughtfully. “English Thoroughbreds are bigger than American ones, and once in a while, we’d get a gangly colt that hadn’t found his balance yet. They put me in mind of Hades. And what all those unbalanced colts held in common was that nary a one had come from the racetrack. I think those very tall, large horses don’t always get the chance to fully stretch out and test themselves.”

  I nodded, somewhat surprised. It made sense, and it was an easy enough theory to test.

  “Thanks, Gran,” I said.

  Her blue eyes crackled with intelligence, and I thought contritely that I sometimes forgot to appreciate the vast depth of equine lore she had to offer. It was too easy to fall into the trap of thinking that times and styles had changed. In the end, horses were horses.

  Jaden and Aunt Paloma arrived shortly after lunch. I was still in the kitchen, and I watched Dec kiss Paloma’s cheek before holding her at arm’s length to examine her face.

  “How are you feeling?” he asked.

  I had the sudden urge to escape out the kitchen door so I wouldn’t have to face Jaden’s mother. Don’t be such a chicken, I told myself severely. Just don’t say anything stupid this time. I moved slowly to the edge of the living room, trying to be inconspicuous.