Look Twice

by M. Garzon

  “I’ve heard of this one; he’s thrown a few foals with clubfeet.”

  “Oh no. Well, he’s out then,” Stephanie said, taking back her phone. She browsed until she found a video of a stallion doing an impressive floating trot, and held it out for us to see.

  “I love this guy, and he’s really big too.” Stephanie was tall so she’d want the foal to grow up to be large.

  This time Seth spoke up. “Yeah, he’s got great conformation, but I’ve heard some of his babies have temperament issues.”

  “He can’t be an approved sport horse stallion if he has a bad temperament,” Stephanie said, frowning.

  “A lot of people attribute personality more to the mare,” I said. “That one’s hard to prove, but I wouldn’t risk it.”

  Later, in the dark creases of the night, my words came back to me. When you understand horse breeding you know that ‘blood will tell’. You get to see firsthand how closely linked a sire’s or dam’s temperament is to their offspring’s. I’d often thought of it in relation to my own troublesome temperament, but there was no question that Dec had also shaped my responses.

  As a child, I had always felt awkward and wrong-footed around Dec, as though I could never quite measure up. But after a while, feeling that way made me angry, and I started acting fractious and defiant toward him. I’d probably never know how much of my rebellious nature was due to Dec, and how much was nature.

  In his typical nonchalant manner, Seth had refused to be bothered by Dec’s judgment. If anything, it had only made him more passive, which made his newfound obsession with finding our biological father that much more surprising.

  Ten

  The summer workload was heavy. There always seemed to be a million things to do, and we were attracting a lot of new students, which was great in theory but meant more time devoted to teaching.

  On one of summer’s first really hot days I was sitting on the picnic table, my feet on the seat, drinking lemonade. Dec strode over with a woman and another new student, a sullen-looking girl of about fourteen.

  Dec smiled at the girl’s mother. “I’ll go get the paperwork and then Haley can get started.”

  Dec headed for the house just as Seth strolled over.

  “You must be the new kid. I’ll be teaching you until we figure out what level you’re at, okay? C’mon.” He gestured to the barn, wearing his usual friendly grin.

  Haley’s eyes got very round and her mouth opened slightly, but she didn’t move.

  “Well, go on.” Her mother gave her a little push. Once Haley was moving she turned to me with a rueful look. “She’s just discovered that boys don’t have cooties. I understand he’s your brother?”

  “Yes.”

  “You must take after your mother, then,” Haley’s mother said, looking me over.

  She was just making conversation. I knew that, but I felt the usual mix of pain and embarrassment and confusion anyway. I shoved the mixture aside in annoyance. I should be past this, I told myself. I was an adult now, a person in my own right. So I didn’t look like anyone else in my family, so what? But my internal pep talk couldn’t fill the dark hole inside me, the one that had been there for as long as I could remember.

  Haley waved gaily at me as she was leaving after her lesson.

  “Too bad Téa didn’t get her dad’s blue eyes too,” I overheard her telling her mom. “It would’ve looked cool with her dark hair.”

  The comment must have bothered me more than I was willing to admit because I mentioned it to Teri on our trail ride that week.

  She frowned. “But even if you don’t look like him, doesn’t Dec feel like your dad by now? I mean, he is the only one you’ve ever had.”

  I squirmed, not knowing how to explain my discomfort.

  “Well, yeah, I guess. It’s just-” I paused for a minute, then went on quietly. “Part of the reason we were so close to our mom when we were little was because she was all we had. After she died, I felt kind of like an orphan.”

  Teri rode up next to me and looked over in confusion. “But you had Dec. He took care of you.”

  “Yes, because he promised my mom that he would, and she was dying. You don’t go back on a promise like that. Dec’s got an overdeveloped sense of duty; it doesn’t mean it was what he wanted.” The words poured thickly from the funnel of my throat.

  She thought about it for a second. “Well, even if he did feel like he had to, that doesn’t mean he didn’t also want to, right?”

  Her gaze was sympathetic, but I looked away. Picasso pulled ahead of us as the trail narrowed into the woods, and they picked up a trot. I let Hades follow while I thought back to the tenebrous time surrounding my mom’s death, the memories all painted in various shades of dark.

  Seth and I were fourteen. My mother was delirious for the last week before she died, and Dec spent most of his time at the hospital. The few times he was home he stormed through in a black temper, and on one of those days, Seth and I were roughhousing in the living room. We stumbled into a lamp, an antique of Gran’s that mom had asked to keep, and it shattered with a splintering crash. Dec stomped in and stared at the mess on the floor for a full minute. Then he turned around, took off his belt, and said, “Who’s first?”

  In the hollow fear of that moment, I felt for the first time that my mother was really gone. This was my only parent now, this man who left the marks of his wrath on our bodies.

  He felt bad about it afterward. He tried to make it up to us. Things got better, but he and Gran were all we had left, other than one distant, unknown aunt in Sweden. We wished so badly for our ‘real’ father to show up at that point, to ride in like a rescuing knight on a white horse, but of course it never happened. If we’d had other family — blood relatives — we could have seen something of our mother in those around us. And maybe we would have felt less alone.

  * * *

  Jaden texted me right after we’d finished feeding the next night.

  Y don’t u come play club chukkers?

  I agreed happily, as I hadn’t played since the year before. After checking the time I decided to drive over rather than ride since it was faster. I usually arrived by a trail which led straight to the fields, and I’d forgotten how imposing the polo club’s main entrance was, with its manicured flowerbeds and wrought-iron gates.

  After parking, I walked through the still-bright sunlight into the dim, cool main barn, and before my eyes could even adjust I was accosted by Caley.

  “Hey, Téa!” She threw an arm around me. “I hear you’re playing with us tonight — it’s about time!”

  I threw her a smile. I hadn’t been on the polo grounds much this year, and I missed Caley’s exuberance.

  “Where’s Jaden?” I asked, looking around.

  “Off at the end of the field with the boys. You can take Schweppes if you want to go see him.”

  “You don’t mind?” My heart lifted at the thought riding my old friend.

  “Of course not. I was going to make you ride him tonight anyway.” She winked at me.

  Caley walked me over to the paddock, and I paused to admire the gold palomino within before slipping between the fence boards. Schweppes noticed me right away and swiveled his head around, nickering softly. We walked toward each other and when he reached me he gave me his usual nudge in the stomach.

  “Hey, buddy. It’s good to see you too.” After petting him and scratching his favorite spot behind his ear, I clipped the lead rope onto his halter and vaulted onto his back.

  Schweppes ambled easily down the enormous field, and I greeted other players and grooms on the way. Everyone was welcoming until we passed Sharleen. She was riding Mateo’s beautiful Thoroughbred mare and following my progress with a slit-eye glare. I looked away quickly, confused. Surely she wasn’t still upset about New Year’s Eve? I finally found Jaden at the far end of the field.

  “Need a lift?” I grinned at him and held out my hand.

  He took it but made no move to jump on. One co
rner of his mouth lifted in a crooked smile.

  “You can’t ride in front of me, Téa.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because,” he said slowly, as though it should be obvious, “when we get down, no one will be left in any doubt as to how I feel about you.”

  “Oh.” I felt my face grow hot as understanding dawned. I dismounted hastily, trying to hide my blush, but the smile on Jaden’s face as he swung himself onto Schweppes’ back made it clear that he’d seen it. He took my wrist and I jumped on behind him; it took almost no effort with his help.

  I didn’t need to hold on with my hands, but I rested them lightly on his hips anyway. To my surprise, he grabbed them and wrapped my arms around his waist, pulling me against him. I loved the now-familiar feeling of soft fabric over hard muscle, and I hid my face in his back and squeezed my arms even more tightly around him.

  “That’s better,” he approved as Schweppes headed for the stables.

  Once we had dismounted he gave me a reproving look. “You’re not wearing a helmet.”

  I shrugged. “Neither are you.”

  He gave a roguish smile. “I was rescued by a beautiful maiden, I could hardly refuse her. But you...” His face grew serious. “No more, okay?”

  “C’mon, Jaden, no one wears helmets on the polo field.”

  It was true. Players rarely wore helmets when they were riding casually. Only during practice matches or actual games did they don head protection, and even then the umpires usually didn’t, even though they were in danger from the high-speed ball. Maybe it was because polo was such a very dangerous sport that regular riding seemed tame by comparison, but I suspected it had more to do with machismo.

  “I promised Dec I’d keep you safe — are you trying to get me in trouble?”

  “Fine. I’ll wear a helmet if you will.”

  “Deal.”

  “Really?” My eyes grew wide; I hadn’t expected him to agree. “Won’t you get teased by the other players?”

  “Oh, they’ll have a field day,” he said ruefully. “But I can take it.” His eyes caught mine, and he ran a hand over my hair. “Something happening to you, on the other hand, would be more than I could bear.”

  I rode Schweppes in the first chukker, and we had a blast. The speed and adrenaline of polo were always intoxicating, but for me, there was the added bonus of playing on a team. In most riding sports your only partner is your horse, and playing on a team with other people added a whole new dimension of enjoyment. I’d never played any team sports before, other than softball when I was really small. Maybe I could find a horseball team to join, I thought as I rode off the field. It wouldn’t require the time and monetary commitment of polo but was still a team sport played on horseback.

  My arm was sore by the time the match was over, even though I’d only played in one chukker. Schweppes was put away and I was hanging out with him when Caley pulled up haphazardly in a golf cart.

  “Hop in, we’ll go to the barbecue.”

  I got in and held on tight — I had experience with Caley’s driving. When we got to the field’s end we found a few people already assembled. Caley looped her arm through mine and pulled me through the rapidly cooling air toward the picnic tables. We stopped next to Jaden, who gave me a quick one-armed squeeze. He was standing with a couple of girls I didn’t recognize. They didn’t look like players or grooms but I had time to examine them at leisure, since they didn’t spare me a second glance. They hung off Jaden’s every word, giggling ridiculously, and I eventually rolled my eyes and stalked off to get some food.

  I sat with Caley but my eyes kept darting to Jaden as the girls followed him to the serving table. He fixed himself a plate and sat across from me in the only empty spot, leaving his admirers to reluctantly sit at another table. I narrowed my eyes at him and looked away. I knew it made no sense because he hadn’t done anything wrong, but I felt angry with him.

  My mood wasn’t improved when Summer approached us. She smiled at Jaden a bit nervously, it seemed, showing perfect white teeth that probably cost a fortune. Then again, everything about Summer was perfect, from the tall slender body, to the long blond hair, to the blue-grey eyes now settling on me. I’d tried really hard to dislike her but as it turned out, she was rather sweet.

  “Téa, could I talk to you for a minute?” she asked, hesitant.

  “Um, sure.” I got up and followed her, feeling Jaden’s eyes on my back.

  She led me to the trees at the edge of the field, far enough away that we wouldn’t be overheard.

  “I hear that you and Jaden are together now,” she said quietly.

  I must have looked a bit panicked because she raised her hands quickly in a placating gesture.

  “It’s okay! I won’t tell anyone — I know it’s a secret. But I have a favor to ask of you...”

  Jaden’s eyes never left me as Summer and I walked back to the picnic table, and his brows shot up as Summer hugged me goodbye. I sat down as though nothing had happened and turned to Caley.

  “How has Schweppes been doing?”

  She launched into an animated discourse about how much she loved him, but Jaden interrupted her at the first opportunity and excused us both, saying he had to get me home. As though he was my babysitter, I thought with a grimace.

  He didn’t say anything until we were sitting in my car; he was leaving Piba at the polo club overnight. He caught my wrist as I was about to put the key in the ignition and turned me toward him.

  “Okay, what’s going on?”

  I looked up at his angular face, half-hidden in the semi-dark, and wondered if he could see the frustration on mine.

  “I’m just tired of it, Jaden. I’m tired of girls drooling over you all the time. I want people to know that you’re taken.”

  He stroked his thumb along my jaw. “I want that too.”

  I could hear the smile in his voice and felt myself begin to soften. I leaned into his hand, wishing we weren’t parked on the polo grounds so that I could get closer to him.

  “What did Summer want?” he said.

  “Our help.” I explained quickly. Summer wanted Jaden to escort her to a charity event of her father’s because the latter was acting very suspicious of Mateo, which posed a danger not only to Summer’s lifestyle but also to Mateo’s job.

  Jaden hesitated. “Téa... Sharleen’s the one who told me when you spent the night in Alex’s trailer. She’s friends with his groom.”

  That would explain the angry look, then. Jealousy could do strange things to people.

  “So I’m surprised that David doesn’t know about us by now,” he went on, “because Sharleen saw me kiss you on New Year’s Eve and she’s the biggest gossip north of the border.”

  My jaw dropped. “You knew she was there?”

  His wolfish grin flashed across his face. “I believe we did an excellent job of persuading her that I was taken, wouldn’t you say?”

  Suddenly I couldn’t wait to be somewhere more private, and I started the car and tore out of the polo grounds. Halfway home I pulled over onto a deserted sideroad and parked. I undid my seatbelt and flung myself at him. His hands were hot on my skin as he slid them under my shirt and pressed me against him, but his mouth was tender on mine.

  He pulled away just long enough to whisper a promise. “Someday soon, everyone will know we’re together.”

  That Saturday I watched him get ready to go out with another woman.

  “Try not to let her fawn over you too much.” As if that were possible.

  He finished knotting his tie and turned to me. “Thank you for being so gracious about this,” he said, caressing my face with one hand. “I’m not sure that I could manage the same if our situations were reversed.”

  I grinned at him. “Meaning, if our situations were reversed you’d be tossing me over your shoulder and carrying me out of there?” It wouldn’t be the first time.

  “Most likely. Summer needs to move out of her father’s house and live her own lif
e,” Jaden grumbled. “Then his objections wouldn’t matter so much, nor would his injunctions have any effect. It’s ridiculous, she’s twenty-three years old and still worried about what daddy will say.”

  “Well, it’s very nice of you to help her out,” I soothed.

  “I’m doing this for you, not her,” he said.

  I laughed. “And I’m doing it for Mateo.”

  I thought about Jaden’s words later. It might be good advice for Summer, but it would be virtually impossible for me to separate my personal relationship with Dec from our working relationship in the barn. In some ways, getting away from Dec would make my life infinitely easier, and yet for the stable to keep running, it was something I simply couldn’t do.

  * * *

  Jaden spent most of that week in Toronto. The day he was due back, Seth, Kabir, Julia and I decided to go out for dinner. I called Jaden to ask if he could join us, but he was stuck in traffic and said he’d see me at home.

  We went to a pizza place in the next town over. On the surface, it looked as though it had trendy vintage styling, but I suspected the décor simply hadn’t changed since the 70’s. We slid into a vinyl-covered booth, Seth next to Julia with me across from him, next to Kabir.

  I first noticed it right after we’d ordered. Seth was scowling, but when I gave him a questioning look he just shook his head. Then I heard it, too — the conversation from the booth right next to ours.

  “It ain’t right, sitting there with a half-breed and a darkie like that.” The voice was male and unquestionably malicious.

  “Maybe the girl thinks she can pass for white,” a second voice sneered.

  I stared across the aisle at the booth’s occupants. From the hatred in their tone, I expected to see skinheads at the very least, perhaps sporting boldly emblazoned swastikas, but they looked like ordinary rural kids, about our age. The one on my side was big, with a brown buzz cut. The nondescript friend who sat across from him was thinner but still tall, and next to Thin Skinhead an anemic-looking blond girl sat hunched over the table, looking nervous. I couldn’t see if there was another occupant next to Big Skinhead. They noticed my unfriendly stare, as did Seth, who kicked me under the table and gave his head a warning shake when I glanced his way.