All Families Are Psychotic

by Douglas Coupland

Janet’s motel wasn’t far away, but it was situated in a realtor’s purgatory, neither residential nor upscale retail nor – nor anything really. It looked like a correctional facility gone bankrupt and converted into the most cheerlessly utilitarian of lodgings. ‘Jesus, Mom,’ said Wade under his breath, ‘what a dump.’

  Wade and Shw got out and went to Janet’s room. Once inside, Shw said, ‘It’s like time stood still in here. Can you imagine how many people must have banged away on that mattress? It looks like a satellite dish.’

  ‘I’ll pack the big clothes,’ Wade said. ‘You pack the, er, smaller stuff.’

  ‘Her dainties? Ooh, milord is so squeamish.’

  ‘Just pack.’

  The suitcases were full in a few minutes, Shw tossing in the underwear. Wade asked, ‘Is it true that you two guys met while setting fire to a Gap?’

  ‘Yeah. I just wanted to set fire to things and destroy shit. Bryan was down there because his musician friends were there, and he’s such a follower that he’d probably follow them to Dachau if that’s where they were going. But in general? I hate corporations. They’re fucked. I’d like to blow them all up, and Bryan, to his credit, probably would, too.’

  Wade coughed out a noncommittal noise: ‘Huh.’

  They headed into the bathroom to fetch toiletries. Shw looked at Janet’s fiesta of pills. ‘Shit, look at Willy Wonka’s factory.’ She picked up a bottle and looked at the label. ‘It’s not even English.’

  Wade said that it didn’t look like English because it was technical terminology. ‘It all comes from Latin roots.’

  ‘Blow it out your ass. I can out-vocabulary you any day of the week. The label’s not in English. It’s in Spanish.’

  Wade looked over. ‘Portuguese – from Brazil.’

  ‘What’s your mother doing with Brazilian drugs?’

  Wade looked more closely. ‘Well, what do you know—’

  ‘Know what?’

  ‘Those pills you’re holding.’

  ‘What about them?’

  ‘Thalidomide. I guess Mom’s using them for her mouth ulcers.’

  ‘What’s so “oh-wow” about that?’

  ‘You don’t know what thalidomide is?’

  ‘No, I don’t.’

  ‘It’s this drug they used in the early 1960s for morning sickness – but it turned out the stuff caused severe deformities in babies – stillbirths and spontaneous abortions, too. That’s why Sarah only has one hand. Didn’t Bryan tell you? Here – let me see that …’ Wade reached for the bottle, but the blood had drained out of Shw’s face. ‘What’s wrong?’

  Shw picked up a full plastic bottle of Evian and began violently bashing Wade on the head and face. ‘You moron – you let me touch that shit? Are you out of your mind? How could you do that to me?’

  Wade fended off the blows, surprisingly powerful for someone of Shw’s size. ‘I didn’t even know it was there until you showed me. Shit. Stop that.’ Wade grabbed the bottle; Shw was quaking. She ran into the shower stall and hopped in fully clothed, and cranked the faucet at full blast.

  Wade asked, ‘What’s all this about?’

  ‘I’m rinsing that shit off me.’

  ‘It was in a blister-pack. Nothing touched you.’ Something clicked: ‘Hey, I thought you were getting an abortion.’

  ‘Well, maybe I’m not.’

  ‘OK then.’ Wade swept items from the countertop into his mother’s traveling case and said, ‘Ready when you are. I’ll be down in the car.’

  Shw stayed in the shower five more minutes, then came out only because the hot water had run out. The gun range was a half mile away and Shw, wet as a dog, was quiet for the ride. He dropped her off, and she said, ‘I’m being a real hag today. Thanks for the ride.’

  08

  On a hot, sunny August afternoon, 1973, Wade said to Bryan, ‘Bryan, don’t touch the plastic. You’ll only screw it up.’

  ‘Wade, be nice to Bryan. He only wants to help.’ Sarah turned to Bryan: ‘Even still, Bryan, don’t touch things, OK? Because you probably will muck them up.’

  ‘Maybe I should just go.’

  ‘Don’t go,’ Sarah said, ‘Just don’t touch things, OK?’

  The trio was out on the baking driveway with a trove of plastic dry-cleaning bags and bent coat hangers. Their mission was to build a hot air balloon by taping the bags into a large, lightweight condom attached to a metal ring at the bottom. In the middle of the ring was a wire X onto which was attached a Miracle Whip lid bearing white barbecue fire-starting bricks. Sarah was a tiny fern among her two sequoia brothers – even with Bryan younger than her – but she was definitely the one running the show.

  ‘I’m thirsty,’ said Bryan.

  Wade looked at him. ‘Bryan, I’m holding a Do-I-give-a-shit?-ometer in my hand and the needle’s not moving. Shut up.’

  ‘We’ll get a pop later,’ Sarah said. ‘We’re almost ready for liftoff.’

  Wade was holding the wispy plastic balloon. Sarah used a Bic lighter to ignite the fuel. ‘It’ll take a minute for the hot air to fill the balloon,’ she said, then stood up and watched.

  ‘It looks like a big dildo,’ said Wade, as the balloon began filling with air much hotter than that of the August afternoon.

  ‘What’s a dildo?’ Bryan asked.

  Sarah looked at Wade. ‘He’s too young for that stuff, Wade.’

  ‘What, you know what a dildo is?’

  ‘Of course I do.’

  ‘What is it then?’

  ‘It’s a plastic replica of a man’s dink used by women when they’re by themselves.’

  ‘What do you mean “used by”?’ asked Wade.

  ‘You know exactly what I mean by “used by”, Wade. And now Bryan’s probably going to use the word in front of Mom or Dad – and he’ll most likely use it wrongly – and you’ll be the one who gets in shit.’

  ‘No, Bryan’s the one who always gets in shit.’

  ‘I do not, Wade. Dad beats you up way more than he beats me up. And besides, I’m not a baby. I’m two years younger than Sarah.’

  Sarah changed the topic slightly. ‘Wade, does it hurt when Dad hits you? I’ve never actually been hit.’

  Wade found it hard to imagine never having been hit. ‘Hurt? Huh. I never thought of it that way. I suppose so. But when Dad hits me, it’s not like he wants to hurt my outside. He wants to hurt me on the inside. He thinks he’s King Shit, and he wants to let me know it.’ The bag was almost full enough with warm gassiness to rise. ‘Hey – it’s ready.’ All eyes watched as the balloon hovered inches above the driveway.

  ‘Let ’er go,’ said Sarah.

  Wade let the balloon rise up into the air, silent, clean and jiggly. There was just enough wind coming from the west to blow it towards the Capilano river and over toward North Vancouver. The trio ran to the top of the street, Sarah carrying the binoculars, to monitor its progress.

  ‘I bet it goes all the way into North Van,’ Bryan said.

  ‘Unlikely,’ said Sarah, payload specialist in training. ‘The fuel’s only going to burn for about fifteen minutes tops.’

  ‘What if it lands in the forest?’ Bryan asked.

  ‘Well then,’ said Wade, ‘it lands in the forest.’

  ‘But the forest is dried out. It could start, like, a forest fire.’

  ‘Bryan, stop wrecking the fun.’

  A car approached from behind – Janet in the station wagon. She pulled up beside them. ‘Hey, gang – whatcha up to?’

  ‘We made a balloon,’ said Sarah. ‘We’re watching its progress.’

  ‘Aren’t you all clever.’

  Sarah asked, ‘Do you have any pop there, Mom?’

  ‘Pop? I think I do.’ She reached behind her and pulled three cans of ginger ale from a bag.

  ‘Bryan,’ Sarah said, ‘you take them, okay?’

  Janet drove off, her final words being, ‘Barbecue hamburgers tonight. Be good.’

  Once she was out of hearing range, Sarah said
, ‘Uh-oh. I think I took the last of the barbecue lighter bricks for balloon fuel.’

  ‘Don’t sweat it,’ Wade said. ‘I’ll say I took them.’

  Bryan opened up the ginger ales and passed them around. The three sat as the balloon wafted away, taking turns with the binoculars. ‘It’s sinking,’ said Sarah.

  ‘No, it’s not,’ Wade said. ‘Let me see.’ He took the binoculars. ‘Oh – it is sinking.’

  ‘Where?’ asked Bryan.

  ‘Down in Glenmore. Near the school.’

  ‘Wade, let me see.’ Sarah grabbed the binoculars and Wade yielded. ‘Ooh. You’re right.’ She watched as the balloon descended onto a subdivision. ‘Uh-oh …’

  ‘What?’

  ‘It’s going to touch down on the Beattys’ house.’

  Wade grabbed the binoculars. ‘Oh, crap.’

  The balloon landed on the shingled roof of a ranch house, which quickly ignited. Sarah said to call the fire department, but Wade said to wait, that a guy next door to the Beattys’ was hosing off their roof already, and that passersby had stopped to watch. Next they heard sirens; the fire seemed to have migrated across the roof underneath the shingles, popping out of the rightmost side like a cat’s tongue. Then, whoosh, the whole roof was ablaze and the fire engines arrived and a major scene unfolded.

  ‘We are in deepest shit,’ said Wade.

  ‘I told you it could start a fire,’ Bryan said.

  ‘Bryan, so what,’ said Sarah, ‘accidents happen.’ She put down the binoculars, and they watched as a small tornado of smoke rose from the house down the hill. ‘Do you think they’ll figure out it was us?’

  There was no need to answer this, as Mrs. Breznek from across the street walked onto the road in her apron, saw the fire and then turned around and began screaming at the three children. ‘You little monsters! Who the hell do you think you are? I’m calling the police right now. You’re all going to get a thorough licking on this one. Jail, too.’

  ‘Blow it out your ass,’ said Wade. Mrs. Breznek snorted in disgust.

  ‘Wade—’ Sarah giggled.

  ‘How can you giggle?’ Bryan asked.

  Wade said, ‘Shut up, loser. I’ll take the blame.’

  ‘Wade, don’t do it. I’ll take the blame. I’ll say it’s a science project that went wrong. The tether line snapped. If you take the blame you’ll be shipped to military school.’

  ‘I think the fire’s out,’ Bryan said. ‘It’s just steam now.’

  Indeed the fire was almost extinguished. A minute later a police cruiser showed up at the house; Janet came out, curious and worried. ‘Officers?’

  ‘Can we speak to your children, Mrs. Drummond?’

  ‘The children? I—’

  Sarah spoke up. ‘I had an accident, Mom. My science experiment escaped.’

  ‘Science experiment?’

  An hour of confusion and technicalities ensued.

  ‘It was my fault,’ Wade kept saying. ‘I should have been watching more closely.’

  ‘Wade,’ Sarah shouted at him, ‘stop trying to cover for me. The fire was my fault.’

  When Ted got home from work, he was careful to get Sarah’s story first.

  ‘Dad, I was looking at your old technical journals, from university when you were studying propulsion. I wanted to do something like that. It was a challenge.’

  ‘You sent a fiery payload up into the sky during peak forest fire season just because I used to study it in college?’

  ‘Yeah.’

  Ted grabbed her. ‘You are the greatest little princess in the world!’ He squeezed her and made her giggle. ‘Jan – what’s for dinner tonight?’

  ‘I was going to barbecue …’

  ‘Let’s order in pizza for once. And Wade, why don’t you choose what kind.’ He tickled Sarah’s feet. ‘You’re so lucky to have a big brother to help you on your projects, young lady.’

  09

  Wade returned to the hotel to check in Janet, but there was no vacancy. ‘Mom, share the room here with me and Beth.’

  ‘Dear, I don’t want to be a pest.’ Janet was lying on the bed, the curtains drawn.

  ‘Mom, you’ve never been a pest. And it’s a good chance for the two of you to get to know each other.’

  ‘I suppose I could.’

  Wade sucked in some air: ‘Mom, I saw the thalidomide in the bathroom.’

  Janet looked up at him. ‘Oh?’

  ‘It’s OK. I know it’s for mouth ulcers.’

  ‘It is.’ Janet raised her body and craned her head towards Wade.

  Wade sat down on a chair beside the minibar. ‘What I’m wondering is where does a person even find thalidomide these days? Do scientists have garage sales? It’s – freakish – that anybody’s even making the stuff any more. It’s creepy.’

  ‘I get it from Brazil, through an underground network. Usually it comes FedEx. Or sometimes through Mexico, but Mexico’s a disaster, so Brazil’s better. They use it down there for treating leprosy.’

  ‘Leprosy? Seriously?’

  ‘I know. The irony is too rich to ignore. Now they’re using thalidomide to prevent people from losing limbs and digits.’

  ‘Huh.’ The room was quiet. ‘What about Nickie, then?’

  ‘Her being infected?’ Janet asked.

  ‘It sounds so bad when you say it like that. But yeah.’

  ‘I have no idea what to say about it, Wade.’

  He tossed a foil-wrapped complimentary sachet of decaf coffee grinds back and forth between his hands. ‘So are you two friends now?’

  ‘Friends? No. But I don’t hate her any more. She’s actually a very nice woman.’ Janet slumped back onto the bed.

  ‘You OK?’

  ‘Yes, but I need some sleep. The sun here wipes me out. When is Beth returning?’

  ‘No idea. You rest. I’m going to look at the view.’

  Wade took the phone out onto the balcony. He sucked in some air and made a call he’d hoped he wouldn’t have to make. He dialed an old business acquaintance.

  ‘This is Norm.’

  ‘Norm – it’s Wade.’

  ‘Wade Drummond? Well, well – what’s up, my man?’

  ‘This and that. I’m a married guy now, Norm. Pretty soon I’ll have a kid and a minivan and the whole works.’

  ‘You – a family man?’

  ‘Pffft – all the snowmen in hell melt in a puff of steam.’

  ‘Family’s a good thing, Wade.’

  ‘You should see my family. Every single one of us is psychotic’

  ‘All Families Are Psychotic, Wade. Everybody has basically the same family – it’s just reconfigured slightly different from one to the next. Meet my in-laws one of these nights. Where are you phoning from?’

  ‘Orlando.’

  ‘You’re in Orlando? Oh, right – your sister’s the astronaut. She’s amazing.’

  They caught up for a few minutes and then came an awkward manly silence.

  ‘Norm. I need money.’

  A pause. ‘Well, don’t we all.’

  ‘I had to get a loan from Tony the Tiger in Carson City, for this fertility clinic that cost a bomb. My wife and me had to go to Europe for this new procedure. Fifty K.’

  ‘Fifty K? What could cost fifty K?’

  Might as well jump right in. ‘Norm, I’m HIV. This place in Milan takes ejaculate and places it into a centrifuge and the lighter viral particles rise to the top, leaving what remains on the bottom clean.’

  Norm was silent. ‘OK. Sure. I’ve heard lots of stories before. That’s a pretty good one.’

  ‘It’s not a story – it’s the truth.’

  ‘But the point remains that you need dough.’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘You know how it works, Wade – the greater the risk, the greater the reward.’

  ‘Like I don’t know that.’

  ‘How much you need?’

  ‘The fifty K plus another fifty for Tony’s interest.’

 
‘That’s some risk.’

  ‘It’s what I need.’

  There was a long silence on Norm’s end followed by ‘You’ve actually phoned at a very opportune moment, my man. I could use a courier right about now.’

  ‘Courier?’ Wade knew that in the underground labor economy, this was the lowest, most dangerous job level. ‘Why not.’

  ‘Tell you what – I’m having a fling with Cheryl. She’s in a Pocahontas dance number on Main Street USA over in Disney World.’

  ‘Cheryl?’

  ‘Yes, little Cheryl, and she’s still young enough to like older men. Meet me outside the monorail exit at Main Street USA – tomorrow morning, ten on the nose.’

  ‘Disney World? You?’

  ‘Wade, Wade, Wade – nothing bad ever happens in Disney World. It’s the only safe place in this fucked-up state. I’ve had many a meeting there.’

  They signed off. Wade stepped back into the room as Beth got in from shopping. After a nap they all ate a calm dinner in the hotel dining room, Janet’s treat. Afterwards they went for a walk along International Boulevard, a frustrating experience for Wade, as everything, even the most casual trinket, was so expensive. They went back to the room to watch TV, and Wade once again took the phone out onto the balcony, and this time he rallied all of his nerve and all of his guilty feelings about being a vagrant, useless son, and called his father down in Kissimmee.

  ‘Yeah, hello?’

  ‘Hey, Dad, it’s me, Wade.’

  Ted’s reply gave away nothing: ‘Wade.’

  ‘I didn’t get much of a chance to talk with you today at Sarah’s thing downstairs.’

  ‘Buncha media clowns.’

  ‘It was busy all right.’

  ‘So you’re out of jail,’ said Ted. ‘Good. You’re too old for jail. Something kind of sad about a man being jailed after forty, like he’s incapable of seeing the big picture.’

  ‘You’re looking good.’

  ‘Well, it’s not like I deserve to. But Nix tells me I have fortunate bone structure. And I have regular bowel movements, and I have free use of the Y’s tanning bed.’

  ‘So, Dad – I heard through the grapevine that maybe you might need some money.’

  ‘What grapevine? My grapevine’s my own frigging business.’

  ‘Just thought you might be interested in a scheme I’ve got to make some quick pocket change.’