All Families Are Psychotic

by Douglas Coupland

  Sarah later told Wade that she and Bryan had spent a few hours talking with the guests, most of whom had been smashed. They then went and sat at the top of the stairs and ogled the guests below. Mr. Laine, Ted’s tax guy and self-styled rogue, was hitting on Janet like crazy. Ted was telling crude jokes to a cluster of people by the stereo console, purchased new that afternoon. Wade had helped his father wire it.

  Kitty Henry put a cigarette burn in Mom’s favorite couch, and Helena, Mom’s best friend, was shamelessly hitting on Russ Hallaway, a single Romeo with a tree-trimming service, who was rumored to have an oval-shaped bed.

  All of this was happening as the RCMP car, cherries flashing, with Wade in the backseat, pulled into the driveway. The front door of the house had been open that evening so as to let in both fresh air and confused moths. Guests saw the cruiser’s cherries, and they melted away from their respective cliques toward the open door. At this point, the Herb Alpert record finished, and the party’s earlier shrill roar became a low and curious buzz.

  Ted, along with some of the guests, was out the door. An RCMP officer was unlocking the cruiser’s rear door to allow Wade, his long hair covering his face, to slump out of the car. The officer and his partner spoke to Ted, who then swatted Wade on the neck, using the full heft of his chest and shoulders, which hurled the boy across the lawn. The guests went silent. Wade stood up, shook his head, and dove, tackling Ted onto the lawn, starting a brawl in which a choppy, seedy narrative emerged:

  ‘Stay out of my life, you goddamn Nazi goon.’

  ‘Why don’t you keep your pecker in your pants, you little shit?’

  ‘Oh, stuff it. Her father made her get rid of it, Dad, and losing a grandchild means fuck-all to you.’

  ‘And so you had to go and attack him, did you?’

  Janet came out shrieking, and a quartet of the guests managed to pull Wade and Ted apart, grass-stained and speckled with blood.

  The cops left and guests quickly dribbled away.

  Wade came up to Sarah’s bedroom and climbed through her window out onto the roof. He heard Ted putting on fresh records, but the music was playing to an empty, still smoky room. Mom was in the TV room downstairs, and Wade could hear her crying, with Helena feeding her sympathy and Kleenex.

  Around two, Sarah climbed out across the cedar shingles and joined Wade for a cigarette – her first and last. ‘So, how do you feel – about almost being a father?’

  ‘I don’t know. The baby was alive. Now she – or he – isn’t.’

  Later, Sarah placed graham crackers and a bottle of Sprite on the window’s ledge. She said good night to Wade. ‘I feel like I’m leaving milk and cookies out for Santa Claus.’

  ‘Sleep tight, baby sister.’

  Sarah said, ‘We’re never really going to be a family again.’

  Wade said, ‘What are you talking about?’

  ‘All of us – together under one roof. It’s over.’

  Wade considered this. ‘I guess it is.’

  He left early the next morning.

  14

  The three men were driving Wade’s rental car down a pristine new toll highway, with Ted at the wheel. The highway seemed as if it had been opened only ten minutes ago, the shapes of its bends and curves and hills dictated by the countless untameable lakes and swamps that pocked the state. Highway signs had promised an interchange a few miles down the road that would then connect them to another near-identical road.

  They were en route to Cocoa Beach, just south of Cape Canaveral. From there, Wade intended to dump Ted and Bryan in the lap of Connor, an old paramutuel betting friend whose life had been reduced to his thirty-two-foot Chris-Craft plus whatever he could cadge off people witless enough to rent both boat and captain for the afternoon’s fisheries. One last phone call before Ted’s cell phone’s batteries died confirmed that Connor could use a bit of extra cash and would do a Bahamian run for Ted and Bryan. Good. After that, Wade was going to wash his hands of the day’s idiocies and return to the hotel and take his pills plus some extra antinauseants. He’d then call his loan sharks and ask for an extension. Dealing with them seemed safer than dealing with his father and brother.

  They were apparently the only car driving on the clean white lanes free from even the faintest of tire skids. The only thing marring the experience was Ted, who was in a nasty mood from not having eaten and from having to be around young people far longer than he preferred. He said belligerently, ‘So let me understand this, Wade. You two are going to have a kid even though you’re going to die any day now.’

  Wade would have tackled and strangled anybody else. But seeing as it was his father, Wade only regretted having broken the news. ‘Dad, I’m not about to die, and Beth’s negative and so is the kid. We’re gonna be just fine.’

  ‘Yeah, right.’

  ‘OK. Be an asshole. See if I care. You can let me out of the car at that tollbooth up ahead and you can kiss your ass-saving jackpot good-bye.’

  ‘Calm down. Jee-zuzz. Give me fifty cents.’

  Wade rooted about his pockets for coins. He could feel Bryan pulsing with jealousy over Wade’s upcoming not-to-be-aborted child. ‘Bryan, you can check your pockets, too, you know.’ He looked around: Bryan had taken Prince William’s letter from within its protective covering of Plexiglas sheets and was fondling it. ‘Jesus, Bryan, put the letter back in the bag! I can’t believe you even unzipped it.’

  ‘I just wanted to touch the paper. Is that a big crime?’

  Bryan slid the letter back in its bag and made a feeble attempt to locate money in his pockets. The car pulled up to the tollbooth; they paid and drove through.

  Wade looked at his father. The light in the car was harsh, and Wade suddenly saw a cragginess there that he hadn’t seen before. He knew his own face looked shrunken and beleaguered in this same light. ‘So, Dad, you honestly think I’m going to be dead next week, don’t you?’

  ‘Well – no. Cripes. Sorry I even brought it up. But it just seems to me like you could have thought about who’d take care of the kid a few years down the road.’

  ‘A few years down the road.’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘Down the road meaning what – five? Twenty?’

  ‘I don’t know. Two?’

  ‘So, we have a number on it now. You estimate I’ll be dead in two years.’

  ‘Well, yeah. Is that a crime?’

  ‘Stop the car.’

  ‘Don’t be so melodramatic. So you may not be dead in two years. So I’m wrong, and you don’t die. Big frigging deal.’

  ‘I said stop the goddamn car!’

  Bryan snorted from the backseat.

  Wade stuck his index finger in his mouth, removed it, tip glistening, and held it out toward his father. ‘Stop the car.’

  ‘Don’t be a jerk, Wade.’

  ‘Stop, or I’ll touch you – and likely infect you at that.’

  Wade saw a vein in Ted’s forehead pop out. He waggled his index finger even closer. ‘Stop the car … Dad.’

  Wade touched his father’s cheek. Ted screamed and slammed on the brakes, jolting the sedan sideways perpendicular to the lane. There was a squeal, the hiss of gravel, and then the car did a neat double flip, as if in a 1970s cop show. It hopped a tiny roadside fence and landed on the ground beneath an embankment, right side up, amid a thicket of sharp, wild, prickly grasses. The engine still purred calmly. A road map fluttered from the ceiling down onto the center console. There was no noise outside; the empty freeway was out of both sight and mind. Everything was just the same as it had been a few minutes before, but at the same time completely different.

  The three sat quietly, as though the smallest of gestures might reactivate the violence. They swore and looked around themselves slowly. Bryan began to whoop. ‘Oh, man, Dad – this is the most heinous thing you’ve ever done. You are a stud! You rule!’

  There was no possible way to get the car up and onto the road. The right front tire was sinking into the edge of a d
rab, unscenic swamp. In a crisp, efficient manner, they had traveled back in time to a nonhuman epoch. Ted turned off the engine and his body went rigid with shock. Wade opened his door, and the car’s ding-ding-ding warning sounded. He looked at the car’s body from the outside. ‘You asshole! This car’s rented in Beth’s name. Do you have any idea how long she worked to regain her fucking credit rating? The roof looks like a goddamn cheese grater.’

  Ted thawed slightly, got out, and looked at the car. ‘Relax. We’re OK.’

  ‘This is not OK – we’re fucked. And I’m the one who told her not to buy maximum insurance. She’s going to fucking freak.’

  Bryan’s hormones and enzymes, still in shock, bulleted about his system. ‘Dad, you are a total stud. Not a single broken window. Even the rearview mirrors are untouched. Man – that was so cool it – ouch! Ow! Oh shit …’

  ‘Bryan,’ asked Wade, ‘what is it now?’

  ‘An ant just bit me.’

  ‘A what?’

  ‘A fire ant. Shit. There’s a colony of fire ants right here.’ Bryan had placed his right leg squarely into the center hole of a fire ant colony. ‘Hey, Bryan – they’re swarming all over you – even right up to your neck. Shit.’

  Squealing like a braking train, Bryan started brushing himself off with inefficient, powerful windmill strokes. His screaming became almost inaudibly high-pitched.

  Ted looked a bit stunned. ‘Gee, Dad,’ said Wade. ‘You could maybe help us out here. Bryan’s being eaten alive.’ He turned to Bryan, ‘Bryan, take off your shirt. The ants are crawling in under the fabric, and your odor is frightening them and they’re only going to bite more.’

  Bryan went even crazier. Wade ripped Bryan’s shirt off and commanded him to doff his jeans. Bryan had been bitten over his entire body; a few dead ants dangled from his pale pectoral skin like blood-colored earrings. Wade swatted them away. ‘They’re gone now, Bry.’

  Bryan ran over to a rock and squatted on top of it, whimpering. He covered his head with his hands and began to rock.

  Ted shouted, ‘Stop acting like a girl, Bryan, and come over and help us lift the car out of the mud.’

  ‘Like we’re going to drive it up the little bluff there and onto the freeway?’

  Wade and his father were entering combat mode.

  ‘Enough from you, Typhoid Mary. If it hadn’t been for you and your infantile game, we’d be on the road still.’

  ‘You’re the worst driver in the fucking country. You rolled us off a road to avoid being touched by me.’

  ‘Don’t be such a soap opera.’

  ‘This isn’t a soap opera, it’s real life, and you’d rather kill us all than be touched by me.’

  Ted said nothing. Wade began to walk toward him. Ted tried playing it cool, but he began to edge away. Just then Bryan shouted, ‘The letter!’ He pointed towards the swamp. The wind had blown Prince William’s letter, sealed inside its plastic Ziploc sack, out into the swamp and was ferrying it away faster and faster. Ted stood frozen and Wade grabbed him. He summoned his flagging strength and shunted his father into the swamp. ‘Get the letter now, you asshole. It’s the only chance you have to haul your ass out of bankruptcy.’

  ‘I’m covered in mud!’

  ‘Get the letter!’

  ‘There could be alligators in there.’

  Wade walked to the side of the swamp and coughed up a ball of phlegm and spat it at his father, just missing him. ‘Me or the letter. Take your pick.’

  Ted turned and went after the letter, plunging chest-deep into the brown water on his third step. He paddled out several yards, grabbed the letter, gulped in air, and headed toward the shore, but Wade stood there coughing up more spit, shooting it at the ground and saying, ‘Now – apologize to me.’

  ‘For what?’ Ted was holding the letter now.

  Wade hocked a loogie that splatted on Ted’s forehead like an egg on a windscreen. Ted screamed and went under water, thrashing with his other hand to wipe the loogie away. ‘For everything.’

  Ted bobbed to the surface. ‘I’m sorry. Shit – I’m sorry.’

  Wade coughed up another loogie and shot it at his father. ‘You don’t mean it.’

  Ted screamed again and plunged, missing the saliva bomb. ‘What kind of proof do you want? I’m gonna drown in this swamp.’

  ‘Not unless the leeches suck your blood out first. Ooh – leeches – I hadn’t thought of that. Plump juicy leeches, sucking your blood, leaving nice big open holes in which my infected spit will fester and multiply.’

  ‘Bryan! You brother’s turned into a sick-fuck monster. Keep him away from me.’

  Bryan was still on his rock. ‘No way am I going near that anthill. You’re on your own.’

  ‘Fuck. You win,’ said Ted.

  ‘How do I win?’ Wade asked.

  ‘If you’ll stop spitting at me, I promise that when I leave this hellhole of a swamp you can touch a leech hole or scrape or cut or whatever the fuck it is that’s cut me down below.’

  ‘How do I know you’re not lying?’

  ‘I’m not lying.’

  ‘Promise to me that your mother will go to hell if you’re lying.’

  ‘You’re so fucking sick.’

  ‘Say it!’ Wade knew that Ted’s only kryptonite was the memory of his mother, dead some fifteen years.

  Ted shouted, ‘Shut the fuck up.’

  Wade coughed up another loogie – they were coming fast and easily today, not a good health indicator – and prepared to shoot it at his father. He instead spat it at the ground. ‘Yes, Dad, your very own mother, Grandma Drummond, drifting around with angels, eating chiffon pies and playing contract bridge with all her friends until she’s lassoed down to hell for eternity, burning and rotting for ever because you’ll have broken your promise to me.’

  Ted treaded water.

  Wade knew his clause had worked. ‘I’m waiting.’

  Ted broke: ‘You win.’ He swam to shore. Wade gave him a hand to lift him out of the mud, which farted as Ted stepped from it, losing a shoe in the process. Ted moved onto dry land. ‘Thank God.’ He slapped the letter down onto the car’s hood.

  Wade made a command: ‘Roll up your pants.’

  ‘Oh, shut up.’

  Wade tackled Ted. Grass crackled on the dirt where they fell. Wade grabbed Ted’s squirming leg. He placed his entire weight on Ted’s rib cage, pinning him down, and took the leg and rolled up the cuff to find any number of small, bleeding cuts.

  ‘You win. Touch my cuts. Jesus, you’re a monster. Infect me.’

  ‘Infect you, I will. Here I go, one, two, three.’ Wade touched a dry fingertip to a bleeding cut, called his father an ignorant bastard, then fell onto the grass and shut his eyes.

  An hour later the three men hobbled along the highway – Ted minus a shoe, Bryan shirtless, swollen and walking with legs apart to prevent chafing, and Wade feeling ever sicker. Wade then registered an off-kilter perception: The sun was in the wrong place, on the left instead of on the right – meaning that Bryan had been navigating them in the wrong direction and that the many miles they’d walked since they’d rolled the car had been pointless. Ted swatted Bryan on the head and called him a cretin, but Wade got in between them and said, ‘Dad, don’t hit us any more.’

  Ted looked peeved. ‘He’s still Bryan, and he’s still a fuckup.’

  Wade made a disgusted pffft and said, ‘Like you’re not a fuckup?’

  ‘At least I don’t—’

  ‘Oh, be quiet. We’ve stopped listening to you.’

  The occasional vehicle, usually a trailer rig, roared past, ignoring them utterly; the usual swarms of highway cops and sundry law enforcement agencies had chosen that day to ignore this lone stretch of highway.

  ‘We should walk to the tollbooth,’ Wade said.

  Bryan said, ‘That’s ten miles the other way now.’

  ‘At least we’d be going in the right direction,’ said Ted.

  A wave of sickness came over W
ade, and he knew he couldn’t walk further. ‘I have to stop here,’ he said.

  Ted and Bryan exchanged looks.

  ‘Yes, I’m sick. Happy? Now go on without me. You have the numbers and addresses and stuff. Just go. A cop’ll come and find me soon enough.’

  Just then, a white four-door sedan passed by them. It shrieked to a stop a hundred paces away.

  ‘A good Samaritan,’ said Bryan, ‘Thank God.’ A smallish woman got out of the car. It was Shw. Bryan said, ‘Oh, shit.’

  ‘What in hell’s name are you three losers doing out here on the freeway? Christ, Bryan, you look like Porky Pig. What happened to you? Wait, don’t tell me – I probably don’t want to know.’

  ‘Just give us a ride to the tollbooth.’

  ‘No. I’m leaving you and your freak-show family. I’m retarded for even stopping to ask you three losers what you’re doing here. What are you three doing here?’

  ‘Dad flipped the car a few miles back. We’re on our way to—’

  Shw raised her hand and said, ‘Stop right there.’

  ‘Hey – where’d you get a car?’ Bryan’s tone changed considerably.

  ‘I rented it, dipshit.’

  ‘With what money?’

  ‘With my money.’

  ‘You don’t have any money.’

  ‘Christ, you are so stupid, Bryan.’

  ‘Do they actually pay people to have their babies killed these days?’

  ‘I’m outta here.’ She opened the door.

  ‘Wait!’ called Wade. ‘I’m sick as a dog. Just take us to a gas station and forget about us.’

  ‘I don’t want you three in my car.’

  ‘We’ll sit in the trunk.’

  This actually seemed to make a kind of sense to Shw. ‘Why should I do it?’

  Ted spoke up for the first time. ‘Maybe just to prove to us you aren’t a total see-you-enn-tee.’