All Families Are Psychotic

by Douglas Coupland

  ‘What other cars? This is a semiprivate road – or a government road.’

  ‘Stop being so negative. There must be something we can do.

  Wade—?’ Janet became aware that Wade was trying not to cry. ‘Shoot. Oh, honey, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap at you. I didn’t mean to sound angry.’

  ‘It’s not that. It’s me. Everything I touch turns to ratshit. All the people whose lives I touch turn to ratshit. I’ve had a nothing life. A zero. Wasted.’

  ‘What about my life, honey?’

  ‘Your life? You’ve had a great life. You had three kids. You were the center of the family. You—’

  ‘Stop. You said “were the center.”’

  ‘Sorry. You are the center.’

  ‘Whoopee-gee. Look what it got me.’

  ‘Your life isn’t meaningless, Mom.’

  ‘I’d debate you on that point.’ Wade’s face calmed down. Janet could only imagine the pain his arm must be in. ‘Are you comfortable? How can I make you more comfortable?’

  ‘Why don’t we both just sit on our knees in the mud. I think it’s more stable that way.’

  ‘Ow! My wrist…’ Janet was stabbed with pain on her wrist. Wade looked at it and could see what Janet saw, how badly she had been hurt in the fall, strips of skin sheared away.

  ‘Mom, I’m so sorry.’

  ‘Wade, it’s six hours until sunrise, and even then … What are we going to do?’

  ‘Let’s just sit and stay calm. Let’s just breathe.’

  So they sat in silence; the moon shone down; insects flickered about; and Janet thought she saw egrets asleep in the dense thickets of swamp grass. She tried not to feel any pain, but the pretending was hard. From high above, she heard a jet, which soon passed, and they were returned to the rich protean silence.

  Janet felt like a bacterium. She felt like a reptile. She felt like meat. She didn’t feel human.

  A cell phone rang.

  Huh?

  It sat in Janet’s right pocket. ‘Wade. Oh dear – I assumed…’ She slipped her hands into moist, muddy pocket folds. ‘… it’d be dead from the water.’

  Wade looked on, alarmed. ‘They’re waterproof these days.’

  Frantically, awkwardly, Janet opened the device’s flap. ‘Hello? Help!’

  ‘Mom?’ Sarah was on the line.

  ‘Sarah, call an ambulance. Wade and I have been hurt. We’re in a swamp.’

  ‘A swamp? Where?’

  ‘I don’t know – inland, south of Daytona Beach.’

  ‘How are you hurt?’

  ‘Wade’s arm’s broken like it was kindling wood. And we’re handcuffed together – my skin is in ribbons.’

  The phone’s low battery noise kicked in with piercing beeps. ‘Mom,’ said Sarah. ‘Listen to me: hang up. Now.’

  Eeep eeep eeep

  ‘The battery—’

  ‘Hang up. Then wait a minute. I’ll phone back.’

  … click

  Janet’s line went blank. ‘What do we tell her, Wade? Where are we?’ For the umpteenth time that week, Janet felt as if she were back in time; in no way did she feel as if she were in the United States.

  ‘Mom, I hope that battery lasts us a few more seconds. Christ, to be at the mercy of a battery.’

  ‘I’m scared, Wade.’

  ‘Don’t be scared, Mom. We’ll work this out. We will. Please don’t be afraid.’

  They sat in silence. Palmetto beetles hummed, whippoorwills trilled and crickets chirped. The phone rang. ‘Hello, Sarah?’

  A cool, detached and technical male voice was on the other end. ‘This is NASA triangulation. Do you read me?’

  Janet said, ‘Yes!’ but the question was meant for another technician. ‘I read you, NASA. Signal source confirmed. Location is—’

  Eeep eeep eeep

  The phone was dead.

  ‘Wade, what did they mean? Triangulation? They didn’t find our location.’

  ‘Mom, you don’t know that.’

  ‘What if they didn’t?’

  ‘You don’t know that they did or didn’t. Sit tight. At the very worst we’ll have to wait until morning.’

  ‘Wade, your arm’s broken like a cracked broomstick. The morning comes, and then what?’

  ‘It gets light out.’

  ‘Don’t be silly.’

  ‘You’re the one being silly, Mom.’

  ‘No, you’re the one being silly.’

  ‘You’re silly.’

  ‘No, you’re silly.’

  ‘Silly.’

  ‘How’s your arm, Wade?’

  ‘It feels perfectly silly.’

  ‘We’ll stick this out until morning.’

  ‘We will.’

  They sat for a while and heard more little noises – creatures jumping in and out of the water; buzzing sounds; a hoot from the dark distance.

  ‘So you gave Florian the letter in the end.’

  ‘I did no such thing.’

  ‘But he said …’

  ‘He said it wrong. I had the real letter with me in the restaurant but I told him it was a fake. The genuine letter is actually here in my pocket still – in its little Baggie.’ She pulled it out, grimacing with pain. ‘Here – you take it.’ She slipped the document into Wade’s shirt pocket.

  ‘Mom, what did you tell Dad and Nickie back at the house?’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘You said something to them – and they changed. They became … younger. Dad even looked relaxed. What did you tell them? You know something.’

  ‘Yes. I do.’

  ‘What do you know? Tell me.’

  Janet wondered how to explain it to Wade. The news had been so easy with Ted and Nickie. She’d felt like a Mafia capo dispensing life-transforming benedictions with one breath, asking for a carafe of red with the next. But with Wade the telling of the news was somehow more complex, and she hadn’t anticipated this. ‘Wade, say you didn’t have AIDS. Say you weren’t sick, that you learned you had a false positive the way Beth did.’

  ‘Mom, you’ve seen how far gone I am. Sitting in this swamp with our open wounds is probably going to be the death of us both.’

  ‘Answer my question, Wade. Pretend.’

  ‘What would I do?’

  ‘Yes.’

  Wade considered this at same length. ‘I wouldn’t have any excuses, would I?’

  Janet kept silent.

  ‘I’d—’ Wade paused again.

  Janet herself thought about this question. She’d had no time to herself since Cissy had transformed her life at the restaurant. What would be the difference between death at sixty-five and death at seventy-five? – those ten extra years … what could they possibly mean? Or eighty-five – twenty extra years. She’d wanted those years so badly, had mourned for their loss, yet now she had them again, and she couldn’t decode their implication. Well, for that matter, what was the purpose of my first sixty-five years? Maybe the act of wanting to live and being given life is the only thing that matters. Forget the mountain of haikus I can write now. Forget learning to play the cello or slaving away for charity. But then what?

  She thought about her life and how lost she’d felt for most of it. She thought about the way that all the truths she’d been taught to consider valuable invariably conflicted with the world as it was actually lived. How could a person be so utterly lost, yet remain living? Her time with the disease had, to her surprise, made her feel less lost. That was one thing she knew was true. Sickness had forced her to look for knowledge and solace in places she might otherwise not have dreamed of. Sickness had forced her to meet and connect with citizens who otherwise would have remained shadows inside cars that idled beside her at red lights. But maybe now she’d continue looking for ideas she’d never dreamed of in places once forbidden – not because she had to but because she chose to – because that had proven to be the only true path out of her brittle, unlivable life-before-death. Now she could seek out the souls inside every
body she met – at the Super-Valu, at the dogwalking path, at the library – all of these souls, bright lights, blinding her perhaps …

  ‘I suppose—’ Wade said.

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘Well, look at my situation this way. Right now I’m technically dead. Don’t say I’m not because I’m a goner for sure. All those protease inhibitors and reverse transcriptase inhibitors ever did was give me an extra year with Beth – and they gave me the time to come down here to be with the family for the launch.’ He turned his head to his mother. ‘It’s been a hoot, hasn’t it?’

  ‘The hootiest.’

  ‘There you go.’ He turned and looked at the yellow hotel lights far away. ‘But if I learned I wasn’t going to die, I don’t think I could go on being Wade any more.’

  ‘How so?’

  ‘I’d have to start from scratch. I’d be like a scientist in a comic book who gets horribly maimed in an accident, but who gets a superpower in exchange.’

  Janet asked Wade, ‘What superpower would you get?’

  ‘You go first. Tell me yours.’

  ‘OK, I will. You know what it would be?’

  ‘No.’

  Janet said, ‘Remember back around 1970 when we added the two new bedrooms and the new bathroom to the house? There was this period during the construction – a week maybe – when the framing of the walls was in, but not the walls. I’d go out there at night, by myself, and walk from room to room, through the walls, like a ghost. It made me feel so superhuman – so powerful – and I don’t know why it affected me so much. So I’d like to be able to walk through walls. That would be my superpower.’

  ‘Good one.’

  ‘And you?’

  ‘Huh. Funny. Beth and I discussed this once. I told her I wanted to shoot lasers from my eyes – no, from my fingertips – and when the beams hit somebody, they’d make that person see God. I’d be Holy Man – that’d be my name. But I don’t know. A super power like that is almost too much power for mere human beings. But then maybe I could try and see God myself, and maybe once I did, I’d be firing lasers in all directions all the time, a nonstop twenty-four-hour God transformer.’

  ‘So if you were cured, you’d really try and do that?’

  ‘I would.’

  ‘Is that a solemn promise?’

  Wade said, ‘I don’t make solemn promises too often. Just once before. To Beth. But I’d make a solemn promise for that.’

  ‘Give me your arm.’

  ‘Huh?’

  ‘Your broken arm.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Wade, do it.’ Janet grabbed her shackled wrist and placed it on to Wade’s open wound.

  ‘Mom! You shouldn’t be doing that.’

  ‘Wade, shut up.’ Janet held her wrist closely to Wade’s wound:

  ‘One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi’

  ‘Mom?’

  ‘Shut up, Wade – four Mississippi, five Mississippi, six Mississippi’

  ‘Mom, what are you doing?’

  Janet counted on: ‘Twelve Mississippi, thirteen Mississippi, fourteen Mississippi’

  ‘Did Florian—’

  ‘Twenty-five Mississippi, twenty-six Mississippi, twenty-seven Mississippi…’

  ‘Oh, dear God—’

  ‘Thirty-seven Mississippi, thirty-eight Mississippi, thirty-nine Mississippi …’

  ‘He did.’

  ‘Forty-two Mississippi, forty-three Mississippi, forty-four Mississippi …’

  ‘Mom—’

  ‘Fifty-six Mississippi, fifty-seven Mississippi, fifty-eight Mississippi …’

  ‘I …’

  ‘Sixty Mississippi, sixty-one Mississippi, sixty-two Mississippi. There.’ Janet pulled her wrist away and separated their mingled bloods, slightly clotted. Janet felt as if she were removing her hand from a patch of slightly tacky drying paint.

  ‘He fixed you, didn’t he?’ Wade said.

  ‘Yes, he did, dear. He did.’

  ‘And now I’m—?’

  ‘Yes, dear, you’re reborn.’

  ‘I’ll … I’ll be able to see my child grow up.’

  ‘So will I.’

  From the south came the thundering of choppers, and with them a beacon of light that shone down from the sky, on to the swamp and on to mother and son.

  29

  An hour before final boarding, Sarah was shown a monitor where she’d been able to view her family in the VIP bleachers –and what a decrepit crew they were: Bryan and that creepy Shw, both bruised and black-eyed, with Bryan also slathered in zinc ointments, and Shw on crutches. Dad was there with his hand on Nickie’s tush, and at Nickie’s side was a man with a forearm swaddled in bandages – who on earth? Howie was nowhere to be seen. Big deal. Mom and Wade, meanwhile, were both testimonies to the nurse’s craft, trussed and slinged and wrapped and becrutched. Beth still looked as if she’d been plucked from a rerun of Little House on the Prairie. And lastly there was a suave Europerson – why are Europeans always so easy to spot? – next to Janet with his arm around her. The European was whispering something evidently quite funny into her ear. Her family stood beside the Brunswick family, Fuji-film bright, wearing matching polo shirts and chunky necklaces made of binoculars, recorders and cameras.

  Her own family looked so … damaged beside the Bruns-wicks, and yet they were – well, they were her family. And even with all of her genetic studies, she’d never been able to figure out how she’d sprung from this lot.

  Well, nature conspires to keep things interesting, doesn’t she? Back to business …

  Sarah knew that if she were to die during liftoff, she’d die quickly. She knew the odds. She’d heard the NASA lore – bodies soaked in jet fuel morphing into walking lava; technicians on the tarmac, eating a sandwich and accidentally straying into colorless invisible streams of burning hydrogen – vaporized in a blink – and of course the Challenger crash, 1986: she’d heard about it on the car radio while on the way to give a lecture at Pepperdine University, and she’d had to pull her car off on the freeway’s shoulder and grab for air as if she’d been kicked in the gut. But now – now snug in her seat, the liftoff had begun. To her surprise, the shuttle’s rumble was so loud and wild and hungry it sounded instead like a color, a shade of white lightning crackling around Frankenstein’s head – a puking nuclear reactor.

  Finally, after all these years, I’m leaving. My arms … my head – they feel so implausibly heavy, like cartons of textbooks – or river rocks. I can barely blink.

  She tried to clear her brain, to enjoy the moment as if it were sex, to blot out her mind, but she was only partially able. Her perception was invariably invaded by images from two nights before, of medics lifting her mother and brother from a Volusia County swamp as if they were insects being spooned from a chowder. They’d been dripping with a batter of mud and leeches; their skin was ripped and bloody, and a bone was sticking out of Wade’s arm while his legs were polka-dotted with lesions – and oddest of all, the two had been handcuffed together.

  ‘Mom! Wade! Good God, how did this happen?’

  ‘Long story, baby sister.’

  ‘Dear, now’s not the time to go into this.’

  Medics dowsed the two with fresh water, plucked away the leeches, cut away their garments, all the while injecting them with painkillers and drying them off with crumpled veils of gauze and a hot air blower. A female medic had cut apart the cuffs with a jaws-of-life.

  The sequence of events leading to their rescue had been bizarre – the quick phone call to apologize to her mother – the horrendous news – then sprinting down the antiseptic white gantry screaming for a radar technician to pinpoint the phone’s location – grabbing a helmeted quarantine body suit, and then busting out of the quarantine zone to flag down a golf cart, which then raced her to the medical pavilion. Damn, I’m good! I feel like a M* A* S* H rerun. She knew it was too late in the mission to have an understudy replace her. She knew she’d be reprimanded, but not punished, and
this had turned out to be the case.

  Blink …

  Liftoff continued. Sarah knew she must be miles above the earth’s surface – and she hadn’t blown up yet – but she remained frozen by extra gravity and was unable to turn and catch Gordon’s eye.

  Blink …

  She was in the chopper, landing on a wooden bridge the dry silvery color of a moth’s wing. The bridge saddled a vast swamp, but the chopper’s searchlights had found her mother and Wade right away. God bless radar. The pilot, on seeing their handcuffs, asked, with no trace of humor, ‘Are they prisoners?’

  The rotors slowed to a stop and Sarah hopped out of the copter and looked over the bridge’s edge. She was backlit, and she knew she could only appear to her family like an astral visitation, a uranium angel with a head shelled in Plexiglas, crackling with power and the Word.

  Blink …

  The shuttle was arcing now, the G-force dwindling. We must be over Africa. She turned to Gordon at the same moment that he turned to her. They were a pair of space virgins thinking they’d discovered the weightless world all by themselves. Gordon winked.

  Blink …

  ‘Mom, for God’s sake, tell me what happened here.’

  ‘Not now, dear, it’s too … messy. You need full use of your noggin for the launch.’

  ‘Mom, I can see that it’s messy.’

  Wade, stuffed into a plastic evacuation sled, winked at Sarah. ‘Trust me on this one, Sarah. Wait until the mission’s over.’

  Sarah was furious. ‘I won’t be able to wait.’

  ‘Sure you will,’ said Wade. ‘You were always the coolest cucumber on Christmas morning.’

  ‘Only because every Christmas Eve I went down in the middle of the night and unwrapped all the presents to see what they were.’

  ‘Did you really?’ Janet asked. She was being tucked into a plastic evacuation manger like Wade’s. Neither Wade nor her mother seemed the least bit fazed by their bizarre predicament. If anything, they were utterly at peace with the world. ‘Thanks for coming to fetch us, dear.’

  Sarah repeated these last words: ‘Thank you for coming to fetch us?’

  ‘Yes. It was risky for you.’

  ‘No, not really. I’ll catch flak, but the flak will pass.’

  Wade asked, ‘You won’t be … calling the cops, will you?’