Courage of Us

by Brooke May

I ignore the confusion flashing across her face as I grab her hand and collect my bag.

  “Check in?”

  “Your mom and aunt meddled.”

  “Again?” I laugh at the surprise in her voice. She shouldn’t be surprised at anything those two do.

  “Did you really think they would let us come up here in peace?” Holding the door open for her, I pat her ass as she walks in. “They reserved a room for us and have you covered at work for tomorrow as well.”

  “Well, you just have everything planned out, don’t you?” She leans against the front desk counter as I ring the bell.

  “I know better than that, snowflake.” I brush off some snow from her shoulder. “I never plan shit out when it comes to you because you always sideline them. But your mom and aunt apparently haven’t learned that lesson yet.”

  “Good to know.”

  “Welcome, may I help you?” A foreign voice bursts our bubble, and I find a hostess watching us with a smile plastered to her face and impatience in her eyes.

  “Checking in under Michaels, Duke.”

  She glances at the book in front of her and quickly finds me. “Yes, here you are.” Her brows rise. “The honeymoon suite?”

  “Goddamn them.” My cheeks puff out as I hold my laughter while Patience sighs.

  “Yes, that’s us.” I wrap an arm around Patience’s waist. “Do the rooms have room service?”

  “Yes, Mr. Michaels.”

  “Great.” I smile down at Patience. “That means when I order, you can’t be walking around in those edible panties you packed, snowflake.” My amusement continues when Patience growls, and the hostess turns bright red.

  “It’s in a … umm … cabin just behind the … umm … lodge.” Her hand trembles as she hands over a key. “Enjoy your stay.”

  “Oh, we will.” Picking the bag back up, I tug on Patience’s hand and lead her back out the door. “Come on, Mrs. Michaels.”

  Oh fuck, that has a great ring to it.

  ҉

  “Quit! Give me my stick back!” Grabbing it back, I reload it with yet another marshmallow after Patience stole the nearly perfect golden brown one off the end.

  “But mine broke.” She pouts, shoveling the s’more in her tiny mouth.

  “Go outside and find another one.” I mock a growl and place the stick back into the fireplace to cook. “It isn’t my fault you loaded too many onto the end of yours.”

  “You’re no fun.”

  “I’m tons of fun,” I fire back, taking the marshmallow out and putting it onto my own graham cracker and chocolate sandwich.

  “You are.” Her quick reply surprises me. I thought the teasing would last longer. “I’ve missed this.”

  “What? Hanging out in the middle of winter in the honeymoon suite of a mountain lodge?” I raise a brow in mock concern. “Do you make a habit of this behavior?” Her giggle warms me more than any fire ever could. “Tell me, Patience LaClare, how many men have you seduced to come up here and then done away with? In this a sex lair of yours?”

  “Stop it.” Her giggles turn into full laughter as she folds over, s’mores crumbs shooting out of her mouth. “I’m going to pee.”

  “How many, Patience?” I continue to pry, knowing full well there has only been one.

  “No … one.” She breathes. Gasping for air, she tries to sit back upright but only falls into my side. I catch her and nearly pull her onto my lap.

  “Come on, I know that isn’t true.” The teasing nature around us quickly disintegrates, just as fast as Patience’s fit of laughter. She tries to scramble away from me, trying to remove my arms from around her as nicely as she can.

  I know she isn’t feeling that way, though.

  “Shit,” I whisper to myself. “I’m sorry, Patience. I didn’t mean—”

  “It’s okay.” I let her go, and she goes back to her spot in front of the fireplace, but a little farther away this time.

  “No, it isn’t.” I make sure to place the stick away from the fire and turn to her. “I’m sorry for bringing it up.”

  She lifts her head, and there are no tears welling in the corners of her eyes.

  There’s my tough girl.

  “It’s in the past.” She forces a smile. I want the glow of happiness to return.

  “You and Greg never—”

  “No. We never did anything together; no honeymoon, no vacations, nothing.” She shrugs. “It was okay when we first got married, but after … there was nothing. He thought I was dull because I kept to myself and wanted to focus on my schooling instead of paying attention to my husband and going to parties with him.”

  “You are not dull, Patience. You are so far from that.” I can’t believe how fucking stupid and how much of a fuckup Greg is. Did he not know Patience at all? The only thing I don’t understand is why she didn’t go to parties and why she kept to herself. That doesn’t sound like her at all.

  “I know I’m not now, but I was for a while.”

  “Was college that much of a shock for you?” I need to touch her, to feel a physical connection for some strange reason I can’t figure out. Grabbing her hand, I’m relieved when she doesn’t pull away. “Being in Alabama?”

  “The heat was crazy, but I fit into college life just fine. It’s what got me back to … normal. I didn’t start right after we graduated high school. I took a year off to figure some things out.”

  “Me?”

  She had to take a year off to figure out why I left? I damaged her that much?

  “Kind of.”

  “I didn’t want to leave you—”

  “Duke,” she cuts me off. “It wasn’t just you leaving that wrecked me.”

  Ouch.

  That stings, a lot. I wrecked her?

  “What else happened to you, snowflake?”

  Now her eyes start to well up. They didn’t come with the mention of Greg, but they come with whatever this strong woman I never quit loving is holding inside.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Patience

  I NEED TO TELL HIM.

  I need to get all of it out in the open and expose the wound one final time before I can fully heal from it.

  What if it ends up hurting him and, in turn, hurting me all over again?

  What if he gets angry for never trying to reach out and tell him from the beginning?

  I can’t be left alone again. I couldn’t handle being without Duke once more. I’ve kept this to myself for so long that I’m not sure how to word any of this. Aside from my family, no one has ever known the full truth to what I keep closely guarded in my heart.

  I can almost see my mom and aunt with their noses pressed against the frosted glass of the cabin, pleading with me to tell him. And they would be right; Duke should have known the second I knew. Everything could have been so different if I hadn’t lost myself when I lost him.

  Fluttering my eyes, I try to make the tears disappear as I stare up at Duke. The fire’s light plays across his face, adding more definition to his already glorious face, but the look isn’t one I care to see on his face.

  Concern.

  Absolute concern for whatever I’m going to tell him.

  I’m going to wreck his world, just as the news did to me. After the wonderful day we had together, I don’t want to be the bearer of bad news, but I need to tell him. If any of my dreams of telling him someday and moving our lives forward from that point are going to come true.

  I hope.

  “Patience?” He waves a hand in front of me. “You aren’t blinking and barely breathing. You’re starting to scare me.”

  I can do this.

  I got away from Greg, and I can do this.

  Reaching up, I clasp the tiny cross around my neck as I start to blink again, and then I take his hand in my free one, connecting two of the most important people in my life.

  “I had a baby.” It is possibly the most gut-wrenching statement I have said in my life. Shock starts to transform his features, but I don�
�t stop. “A little boy I named Abel. He was the most beautiful and precious person to ever come into my life.” My voice wobbles as my soul wars between the memory of his gassy smiles and the cold dread that fills as I watch Duke’s face harden.

  “He came into my life when I felt so down and out. I had lost you, and then each of the guys took off, leaving me behind. I was lost and had no clue what I was going to do with my life. When I found out I was pregnant, I didn’t think I had a real choice other than marry the man everyone thought was the father.”

  I watch as realization takes hold of him.

  He’s starting to piece it together.

  “So I married Greg even though he wasn’t my son’s father.” Quickly, I dart my eyes to some other place to focus on to clear my tears before I look at him again. I don’t want to, but I have to. “The way you left … Duke, it broke me far more than anything in my life at the time. I thought you just wanted that night to say you slept with your best friend before you went on to live a fulfilled life. I didn’t think I mattered to you like I thought I did. The way you held me, the way you touched and made sweet love to me, I thought it was us finally pushing away from our bullshitting one another and connecting, but when I woke, and you were gone, I died a little inside.”

  “Pati—”

  “No, please let me finish.” Through my tears, I see him solemnly nod for me to continue. I struggle to catch my breath; my heart feels like it is about to burst from my chest and reveal how darkened it has become because of the years I’ve lived with all the guilt.

  “Only my family knows the truth, and it was that much clearer when Abel was born. He looked just like his dad, his real dad, not the man who never showed up for an appointment, ultrasound, or even my delivery. He didn’t even want his name on the birth certificate. For a while, Greg’s parents assumed that Greg resented Abel and me because we would pull him away from his dreams, but it became more apparent to them he wasn’t Greg’s after the first couple of months.”

  I’m nearly strangling myself from the grip I have on my necklace.

  “Where is he now, Patience?” Duke’s voice is as broken as I feel inside. “What happened to Abel?”

  “I had just moved down to Alabama with Greg. I wasn’t going to start classes until after Abel turned one, and I could afford a good babysitter for him, but it didn’t stop me from messing around in the kitchen while Greg was in his classes, at football practice or games, or when he was out partying. I had it all figured out with Abel until he was nearly three and a half months old.”

  The air is stolen from my lungs, leaving me feeling as though I will never pull another breath in.

  “I had put him down for a nap an hour before I checked in on him. He was always a long napper, so I didn’t worry too much about him. I was always hyper aware of everything around him and very protective of him. I was almost a little crazy about it. I didn’t let anyone hold him without washing their hands first. He was the last piece of you I had left. When I came into his tiny room, he wasn’t moving like he normally did and wasn’t breathing. I immediately called 911 and tried to figure out a way to get him breathing by myself until the EMTs showed up.”

  My hand trembles around my cross.

  “I lost him like I lost you. After all the care I put into my tiny boy, I lost him, and my life fell apart after that. My parents brought me home and never once did Greg call to check on me or come back to see me. We had Abel cremated because I couldn’t handle seeing his tiny body in a coffin, and I wear him here.” I lift my necklace for Duke to see. “He is always with me.”

  This pain is unreal. Not as bad as when I lost my son, but it is a close second.

  “I thought you didn’t care anymore, and with everyone thinking I was keeping Greg from his dreams, it was the last thing I wanted to do to you. I wanted you to have your dreams even if I wasn’t included in them, and slowly, very slowly, I managed to pull myself together.”

  With tears flooding my eyes, I don’t see Duke move closer to me until he pulls me onto his lap and wraps me in his warm, surprisingly cleansing and healing embrace.

  “Shh.” He starts to rock us back and forth.

  “I’m sorry.” My sobs are uncontrollable. “Please don’t hate me. Please don’t leave me again.”

  And there is my dark secret, the wound I have never let heal properly. It is out in the open now for him to do with as he sees fit, and I hope it isn’t going to break me one final time after he makes his decision.

  “Shit, Patience.” I know him well enough to know when he is at a loss for words. He doesn’t know how to approach this, to make me either feel better or worse about losing our son.

  And it kills me to be stuck in this limbo.

  My tears continue to fall from my face and start to soak his shirt as my nails dig into his sleeves as if I’m trying to grasp onto the present again and not lose myself in the past.

  I don’t know how long I sit surrounded by him; his bodily warmth encasing me while the heat from the fire hits my back to force the deadly freeze away from me.

  “I was going to come get you after I finished basic.” He sounds just like I did when I started my admission. “I wanted a future with you, and I regretted leaving the way I did, but when I finally heard news from home, it was too late. Mom told me you were getting married to Greg and leaving for Alabama.”

  My body jerks at the moisture hitting my exposed neck. He is crying now. This big, strong man is crying with me.

  “If I had known, I would have left basic to get you. I would have gotten you closer to me to be there, or at least I would have made sure you knew what I had planned. I’ve fucked it up so badly, Patience. Will you ever forgive me?”

  A single crease mars my forehead as I frown in confusion. I’m the one wanting, no, needing his forgiveness, and he’s asking me for it?

  “I tried to move on, but it was too hard, and I couldn’t do it. Life, I couldn’t live it without you. You were—are—the first girl I have ever loved and ever will.”

  A gasp erupts from my mouth, but then my mouth forms a small smile as the tears start to disappear.

  “I’m sorry I wasn’t here for you with Abel, but I’m here now, Patience, and I have no plans on going anywhere unless you are with me.” As if he feels the need to show me he means it, he squeezes me tighter in his arms.

  Worming my way up to cup his strong face, I stare into his eyes. “I forgive you if you forgive me?”

  “I do even though none of what you’ve been through is your fault.”

  I don’t agree with him, but I nod anyway. I could have stayed strong and told his mom and then told him, but I let my own pity party consume me. I push away his tears and bring his face to mine, sealing my lips to his in a final expression to show him my forgiveness.

  At first, we just press our lips together without crossing any boundaries until I move my body to drape my legs on either side of his fit, taut waist and deepen our kiss. Tilting my head to the side, I open my mouth just as his opens for me, and our tongues collide in a way I’ve only ever dreamed of happening again.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Patience

  MY HANDS MOVE FROM his bunched shoulders into his short, surprisingly soft hair at the nape of his neck. My body pulsates to an unheard rhythm we are creating as we continue to devour one another.

  Duke’s rough hands rub up and down my back, gently easing my shirt up with each pass until his heated skin comes into contact with my own. The sensation coursing through me as his hands work up my back to unhook my bra steals the breath from my lungs.

  Breaking our kiss, I drop my head back, rolling from one shoulder to the other. My peaked nipples brush against his chest through my shirt before I’m released from my bra. His nose runs up and down the short column of my neck, feathering soft kisses in his wake.

  My shirt is pulled over my head, my bra following, leaving me exposed to his hungry gaze. The only light in the room is coming from the fireplace behind me, bu
t we are close enough for the light to flicker across my bare flesh.

  His eyes focus on my heaving, heavy chest before dipping lower. Like most women who have issues with their bodies, I try to cover myself, but it isn’t my chest I want to hide from him.

  It’s the pair of deep stretch marks that scar the sides of my body.

  “Don’t.” The single word is pregnant with not only a promise that he doesn’t see me as broken or useless, but it’s coated in desire. “You’re perfect, Patience.”

  His lips return to me, ghosting across my face with small huffs of air as he massages my body with the tips of his skilled, calloused fingers before he pulls back once more.

  My eyes flutter open, and I watch his gaze move around my face, down my neck to my chest once again, and then all the way down to the top of my pants. He licks his lips as he stares down at the button of my pants.

  I feel the heat of his gaze down there.

  I follow his movements, rubbing my hands up and down his thick arms until I come down to the center of his chest and pull his shirt free and then off his body completely.

  I trace every line of his well-defined physique, only stopping briefly to acknowledge the scars by his left shoulder and the random ones down his rib cage on the same side. I don’t want to ask because I don’t want to kill the moment.

  I know they are from war; what he’s seen, done, and survived over there. For now, that is good enough for me.

  Not waiting for his permission, I work the top button of his jeans before slowly easing the zipper down. My hands stay fixed on the opened part of his jeans as my head rests on his chest.

  Every single sexual encounter I’ve had since the last time with Duke starts to make unwelcomed appearances in my mind. I can count them now, remembering every single one of them but not wanting to.

  They were horrible because I had already experienced what true love, true passion was meant to feel like in these arms now holding me. They are now stronger as Duke maneuvers us until I am gingerly laid out on the hardwood floor.

  I’m with Duke again.

  He would never hurt me.