by L. G. Davis
“I don’t know. I’m taking a break.”
“But it’s been over a month? You used to jog every weekend.” He comes to put his arms around me. “Is it because of what happened to Victor?”
I rub the back of my neck. “What do you mean?”
He kisses the side of my neck. “He disappeared after going jogging at the lake.”
“Yes. But he didn’t actually disappear. He left town.”
Jared releases me so he can finish dressing in white-washed jeans and a black t-shirt. “Yeah, but when we all thought he had disappeared...that gave a lot of people a scare. It shook the community. That’s why I had the bars installed. You never know these days. Victor is safe wherever he is, but it could have ended differently.”
“You’re right,” I say and leave it at that.
Five minutes later, we step out the door and walk hand in hand down the path leading to the lake.
Things have changed. Before the rape, when I walked down the path I saw only beauty. Now all I see are the dead shrubs and wildflowers that frame it. I can even smell the rotting undergrowth.
I’m relieved when we don’t walk all the way to the place where it happened. Since it’s quite a distance away, we decide to sit on the sand and admire the water. I’m glad for a chance to rest because my head is starting to spin.
We sit next to each other in silence, enjoying the calm before my storm. When Jared finally suggests that we should return home because it looks as though it might rain, I get to my feet so fast my head spins.
“I love you,” he says when we’re back indoors. “I’m sorry I haven’t said that to you in a while. I’ve been so busy with work and everything.”
“You don’t have to say the words for me to know.” I follow him into the living room.
Then out of nowhere, the sound of someone coughing makes me jump, then people start emerging from behind furniture.
“Surprise,” they all shout. “Happy birthday, Kelsey.”
Now I understand why Jared took me to the lake.
Before I can recover from the sudden surprise, they all start singing. Instead of feeling excited and honored, I’m stressed and anxious. Even though I’m smiling, pretending to be touched, the one thing I want to do is run.
I have been avoiding all of them, especially Rachel, who is now back in town. I’m finding it hard to be around her knowing what her husband did to me and being unable to tell her. I wish I could tell her that instead of grieving his departure, she should be glad he’s gone. She’s better off without him. I’m actually glad she’s not among the women in the room.
Everything happens fast after that. I’m greeted, hugged, and kissed by women who are still strangers to me. They sit me down to enjoy my party while Jared gives me a wink and excuses himself.
“We’ll celebrate alone later. Spend time with your friends.”
I scan the faces of the women around me. As much as they don’t know me, I don’t know them.
I invite them to my house. I feed them. We exchange pleasantries. But none of them are my friends. How could they be my friends if they don’t know who I am? But what does that mean for Jared and me? Can I call him my husband?
“We brought cupcakes,” Linda shouts, her shrill voice grating my ears.
As the ladies launch into their latest escapades, show off their recent jewelry purchases, and complain about their husbands, I glance discreetly at the time on my phone, wondering when they will leave.
“We miss your dinner parties, Kelsey,” Connie says, dabbing her lips with a pink napkin.
“I’m sorry.” I lift a cocktail glass to my lips. “I’ve been so busy with other things lately.”
“Well, maybe the next dinner should be at our place,” Connie continues. “I’m not the best cook, but I’ll do my best.”
“By the way, do you know what’s going on with Rachel?” Linda asks me. “I mean she was here, but she had to leave because of a headache.”
“Okay.” I frown at her. “But I don’t understand. What do you mean what’s going on with her?” We all know what’s going on.
“Since Victor left her, she has completely withdrawn from everyone. I invited her to my place a couple of times, but she always cancels at the last minute.”
“That’s no surprise,” a blonde woman I don’t recognize adds. “I’d probably do the same thing. How embarrassing would it be to have your husband leave you out of the blue?”
Connie leans toward me and whispers. “Do you think Victor has left her for good?”
I shake my head. “I don’t know.”
“Oh.” She sounds disappointed. “I thought you would know since your husband is his best friend. He must have said something to him.”
“I haven’t heard anything.” I take a sip of my piña colada.
It suddenly dawns on me why they’re here. It has nothing to do with celebrating my birthday. I probably don’t even matter to them. They came because they’re looking for gossip. They want something to spread across town.
I have to be careful what I say to them or anyone else. If I say the wrong thing, I’m the one who could end up getting hurt.
It doesn’t surprise me that thirty minutes after getting nothing from me, they take their fancy cupcake containers and leave. They wasted their time.
As soon as I close the door, I lean against it and exhale. When the knot in my stomach unravels, I return to the living room to clean up.
That’s when I come across another note tucked behind one of the couch cushions.
I snatch it up before Jared walks into the room, push it into my jeans pocket and read it in the downstairs bathroom.
Happy birthday! Expect more surprises from me.
Chapter 10
I sit up in bed and search the darkness. I dreamed he was in the room watching me sleep. But it’s not possible. I would have heard the door being opened. He also wouldn’t be able to get through the bars at the windows.
Everything is fine, undisturbed. The only sound in the room is that of Jared snoring gently.
I pick up my phone to check the time. It’s close to 1:00 a.m.
I hate the nightmares that yank me from sleep almost every night. I don’t even remember the last time I had a full night’s rest.
I sit in bed for a while, afraid that if I get out, Jared will hear me.
After he revealed to me that he knows I clean at night, I stopped. I still wake up night after night, but I remain in bed.
Since my birthday a week ago, Jared has been even nicer and less controlling. Last weekend, we even went to church and he allowed me to choose my own outfit.
I cannot make him suspicious again.
While he sleeps, the cloak of darkness wraps itself around me, suffocating me as I gaze at the windows.
It’s been so hot this summer that we keep them open through the night. For the first time, I’m grateful for the bars, even though sometimes they remind me of the prison cell in which I spent ten years of my life.
I clasp my hands tightly in my lap and force myself to think of less painful memories. The only thing that comes to mind is my wedding with Jared, a quick ceremony in Vegas.
He had wanted a big wedding, with all his friends present, but when we visited Vegas a week after we were engaged, I talked him into getting married there instead. Being on the run, I didn’t want anyone paying me any attention, except Jared.
Since he also didn’t have family members he could invite to the wedding, I guess it was an easy decision. That night in Vegas, we gave each other the gift of family.
If only I could say we lived happily ever after.
I push aside the memories. It’s killing me to sit in bed doing nothing. Trying to harness my fears is torture.
Careful not to wake Jared, I slide out of bed. I make it to the door and open it without him stirring. I’d feel so guilty if he wakes up. He got home late from work.
Unlike many times I woke up at night in the past, tonight I don’t reach fo
r a rag or a broom. Instead, I head downstairs for something to drink. There’s nothing wrong with that. A cup of rooibos tea might help soothe my nerves.
When I come to the kitchen door my blood goes cold. The small, red light on the kettle is on and it’s piercing through the darkness.
The first thought that drops into my mind is that I should run. But a part of me is tired of doing that. My teeth are gritted as I fumble along the wall where the light switch should be and flick it on, hoping what I’m seeing is my imagination.
My hopes are quickly dashed. The kettle is switched on and it’s boiling now.
I switch it off. My thirst for tea has dissipated. I bite back a scream when I notice a note peeking from underneath the kettle. Fear snakes through my heart.
The countdown has started. Leave this town or you’ll regret it.
It takes a while for the words to register in my mind. He wants me gone. He wanted me gone all along. I’m sure it’s because he’s afraid I’ll report him to the cops.
For Victor to come into our home even when Jared is in goes to show how dangerous he is.
The doors and windows are locked. How does he get into our house? Did Jared give him a key for emergencies?
Unable to hold myself upright any longer, I shuffle to the kitchen table and drop into a chair. My throat aches to scream out my frustration. But I can’t.
Jared can’t find out. I have no choice but to suffer in silence.
A strange sound makes me sit up straight.
My frantic gaze moves to the window in time to spot a dark figure moving on the other side of the glass only moments before it steps back into the night, merging with the darkness.
It’s him. It has to be.
I jump out of the chair so fast I almost send it crashing to the floor. I catch it in time, then I rush to the window, knowing it might be foolish to do so. He could have a gun. He could shoot me straight through the glass.
But I have nothing to worry about. He’s running to the gate, gone for now. But how far will he go to drive me out of town?
Weak with fear, I fall back into my chair, my gaze still fixed on the window.
“You have to stop this,” someone says from behind me. I turn around to see Jared standing there, his hair ruffled by sleep. “You have to stop waking up in the middle of the night.”
“I’m sorry.” I tighten my fingers around the note in my hand. “I didn’t mean to wake you.” Thank God he didn’t come a few minutes earlier. He would have seen the note. He would have seen Victor on our property.
“You didn’t wake me. I got up to go to the bathroom and found you missing from the bed. Have you been cleaning again?” He moves to the kettle, turns it on, and removes a yellow mug from the cabinet above it. He must be so sleepy he doesn’t notice the steam rising from the opening.
“I felt like a cup of tea,” I lie.
“Sweetheart, this is not normal. You should be sleeping like a normal person.”
“Maybe I’m not normal.” I chuckle in spite of myself.
He leans against the sink and watches me for a while, his arms crossed. “Maybe you need to go on sleep medication. You hardly sleep.”
“You know I don’t like meds, unless I have to take them.” There’s no way I’ll take sleeping pills. How will I be able to protect myself when I’m knocked out?
“But, sweetheart, your body needs to return to functioning normally.”
He turns around and pours each of us a cup of tea. He drinks his while gazing out the window. When he turns back to me, his brows are knitted.
“What’s the matter?” I ask, blowing over the surface of the hot liquid, sending steam streaming away from me. “You look like you saw a ghost.”
It’s hard to act normal when I’m terrified out of my mind. What if Victor is back out there? What if he’s ready to tell Jared everything about me?
“Did we leave the gate open before bed?” He looks back out the window. “I remember closing it. I always do.”
My nerves tense immediately. “It’s open?” I push myself to my feet and walk to where he’s standing.
It’s true. Victor did not close the gate. I don’t know whether it was done on purpose or because he was in a hurry to get away. “That’s strange,” I murmur.
“Yes, it is,” Jared says. “I’ll go and close it. I’ll be right back.”
I watch him through the window as he closes the gate, wondering how long it will be until he puts two and two together. I’m actually surprised that I’ve been able to keep the truth from him for so long. But I’m also shocked that Victor has not exposed me yet.
When I’m in bed again after two cups of tea, I try to fall sleep, but I don’t succeed. I can’t forget what happened downstairs before Jared walked into the kitchen.
He goes back to sleep almost immediately. I’m a bit envious of his ability to nod off so easily.
I wish I knew how it feels to be normal, to live a life that’s not driven by fear.
Chapter 11
In the middle of dinner, Jared gets an emergency call from the station. As I watch his car drive off, my heart sinks.
Lately, I’ve been feeling much safer with him around. After Victor’s last note a week ago, I’ve constantly been on pins and needles.
He ordered me to leave town. I disobeyed. What will he do next? How will he punish me?
I shut the doors and windows and go to the bathroom upstairs. As much as I wanted Jared to stay home with me, there’s something I’ve been wanting to do, something he cannot know about.
Holding my breath, I reach into the cabinet underneath the sink until my fingers find the slim box I hid there. I take it with me to the toilet.
My heartbeat thrashes in my ears as I tear it open and pull out the pregnancy test.
Feeling sick has become a familiar sensation in my body. At first, I thought it was brought on by the stress of everything that’s going on, but last weekend, it occurred to me that I had missed a period.
Alarm bells went off immediately. I never miss a period. There can only be one terrifying explanation.
I bought the test online the day after the last note, but I didn’t have the courage to find out the truth. Until now.
I pee on the stick before I change my mind. The idea of being pregnant makes me want to throw up, but there’s no use burying my head in the sand.
I sit on the tiled floor with my arms around my knees, waiting for the test to spit out the results.
The wait should only be five minutes, but it feels like hours. Since there’s no clock in the bathroom and I forgot my phone in the room, I count my heart beats.
One. Two. Three.
Instead of counting exactly three hundred heartbeats, I count three hundred. The results should be ready.
I cannot bring myself to look, but I have to.
I reach for the stick and stare at it through my blurry vision. There are tears in my eyes. I didn’t even know I was crying. I wipe them away and peer at the little window displaying the results.
Two pink lines.
A jagged roar erupts in the room and bounces off the wall. It takes a few seconds for me to realize it’s coming from me.
To keep myself sane in prison, I stayed in my mind, where I created the reality that made me happy. I saw images of me laughing with a handsome husband next to me and our kids playing around us.
Now it’s happening. I’m pregnant with a miracle. But it’s all wrong. Jared had made it clear from the start, before we even got married, that he doesn’t want kids. I loved him so much that I agreed. A week after we got married, I brought up the topic again. He shut me down so harshly that the subject never crossed my lips again. Determined to prove how serious he was, a few days later, he had himself snipped and only told me after the fact.
Left with no other choice but to accept a future without children, I made myself believe it’s best for me not to bring a kid into a damaged world. The child might end up as damaged as I am. I also didn’t
want to have to lie to my child about who I am.
Now this.
I wrap an arm around my stomach as more tears flood my eyes. This baby is both a miracle and a complication.
The child growing inside me can only be Victor’s.
He or she will remind me every day of what happened to me in the bushes by the lake.
I remain on the floor for at least an hour, too weak to get up, unable to stop crying.
When I finally run out of tears, my head is pounding.
I can’t tell Jared yet, but I need to speak to someone. I run out to throw the stick in the dumpster, then I run back inside, panting with fear. Inside the bedroom, I grab my phone and call Rosemary. She doesn’t answer the call, but seven minutes after I hang up, she calls back. When she hears my tear-smothered voice, she knows something is wrong.
“What happened, darling?”
“I’m scared,” I say, pulling the comforter over my body. I’m a full-grown woman with a baby in my belly, but right now I feel like a helpless child.
It’s selfish of me to disturb Rosemary at night, but she’s the only person I can trust. She has always been like a mother to me.
“Kelsey, tell me what happened,” she says in a hoarse whisper.
“I’m pregnant,” I say before I change my mind.
Silence plugs the line. Before it stretches on for too long, I speak, “I don’t know what to do.”
Rosemary clears her throat. “And you think it’s—”
“I’m one hundred percent sure.” I pinch the bridge of my nose. I can’t even pretend it’s Jared’s kid.
“What a mess,” Rosemary says. “I can only imagine how you must feel.”
“I don’t even know how I feel right now. Broken, I guess.”
Rosemary lets out an audible breath. “Sweetheart, this is a tough question to ask you, but do you want to keep the baby?”
“I haven’t thought about that yet. I just found out about the pregnancy.” I still can’t believe there’s a baby growing inside of me.
The clock is ticking. I have to make decisions. I have to make them fast. As much as I can’t bear the thought of giving birth to Victor’s child, it’s an innocent baby.