by L. G. Davis
But what if I keep it? What would that do to my marriage? How would it impact my life?
“I understand,” Rosemary says. “Come to the shelter tomorrow so we can talk more about this. It’s a huge burden to carry on your own.”
“Yeah. I’d like that.” I’m not even thinking of going for an hour or two. It might be best for me to hide out at the shelter for a few days, to give myself time to come to terms with what’s happening. If I have to tell Jared about the pregnancy, I need to prepare myself.
“Do you mind if I stay for like two or three days?” I ask Rosemary. “I’ll help out.”
“Of course, I don’t mind. It’s your home. You can come any day and stay for as long as you want. I think it’s a good idea. You should take a few days away from your husband to think about what you want to do next. I’ll spend those nights at the shelter with you.”
Rosemary has a home to go to, but sometimes she chooses to spend the night among the women she helps.
As soon as I hang up the phone, I call Jared, wondering if he’ll let me go. He doesn’t answer. He calls back half an hour later.
“Missing me already?” he asks.
“I need to get away for a few days,” I say, crossing my fingers as I used to do as a child.
“To get away?” His tone hardens. “Why? Where are you going?”
“I want to visit a friend in Polson. She’s sick. I need...I want to be there for her.”
“I didn’t know you had a close friend in Polson. Who is she?”
“Mandy. We went to school together.” I close my eyes. “We had lost touch for a while. She’s sick.”
If he finds out I’m lying, there will be hell to pay. But I have no other choice. If he sees me in the state I’m in, he will demand to know what’s wrong.
“What kind of sickness does she have?” Suspicion deepens his voice.
“Cancer,” I say without thinking. “She has breast cancer.”
After a long silence, he clears his throat. “Fine. Go to your friend. When do you want to leave?”
“I...I think I should leave right away.”
“In the middle of the night? Why not wait till morning?” The old, controlling Jared is back. I can tell because his tone has suddenly gone cold. “I can drive you.”
“No.” I shake my head. “You’re busy. I’ll drive myself. She needs me, Jared. I need to go right away. I’ll be back in three days.”
“Make sure it’s three days and no more than that.” He hangs up.
Chapter 12
I arrive at the gates of the Rosemary Shelter shortly before 10:00 p.m.
As soon as I had packed a small bag and put it in the car, Jared called again. When I picked up the phone, he hung up.
He was clearly telling me without words that he did not approve of me going away without him. It would be hard for him to control me from a distance.
As soon as I get out of the car, Rosemary rushes out to receive me.
I melt into her loving arms, the urge to cry so overwhelming, but the tears refuse to come. I’m completely numb right now, both physically and mentally.
During the short drive, I tried hard not to think about the pregnancy. With my emotions raging out of control, I would not have been able to drive safely.
Rosemary takes my arm and leads me inside, where most of the residents are already asleep. She takes me to one of the empty rooms and sits me down.
“I don’t think I can get rid of this baby,” I say before she even says a word. “I don’t think I’ll be able to live with myself.”
“It’s your decision.” She places a hand on top of mine. “But you do know that this changes everything, right? You might have to tell your husband about the rape. You’re slim, but eventually the pregnancy will show.”
“I’m scared. As soon as I tell him, he’ll know it’s not his child.” I bury my hands in my hair. “Jared can’t have kids. He never wanted them. Not long after we got married, he had a vasectomy.”
“Wow.” Rosemary’s shoulders slump under the weight of my problems. “He really doesn’t want kids, does he?” She sits up straight again. “Kelsey, you seem to be terrified of your husband. Has he hurt you?”
Even though Rosemary knows about my past secrets, I have never confided in her about Jared. I never told her how controlling he is and how sometimes I’m scared of him.
“No,” I say. “Not physically. He does have a temper, but he locks himself away until it passes.”
“How do you think he’ll handle this?”
“I don’t know.” I lay a hand on my stomach. “I don’t think he will take it well.” That’s an understatement. Every time I think of telling Jared about the baby and the rape, I shiver with dread. “If I didn’t go behind his back that night, I wouldn’t be dealing with this.”
“What do you mean?” Rosemary asks.
“The night it happened, I told him I was going to the gym, but I changed my mind at the last minute. It was so lovely outside that I decided to go for a run at the lake instead. He hates it when I jog at night. I didn’t tell him I was going.” My chin hits my chest. “He might blame this on me.”
Rosemary grabs me by the shoulders and turns me to face her. “It’s not your fault, Kelsey. You have to understand that. You just happened to come across a sick man. That monster is to blame, not you.”
A tear trickles down my cheek. “Thank you, Rosemary.” I wipe the tear away with the back of my hand. “I’m tired. Do you mind if I go to sleep now? We can talk in the morning.”
“No, I don’t mind. You should get some rest. You’re safe here.” She kisses my cheek. “And I’m here to support you in whatever decision you make. No woman should have to go through something like this alone.”
“I appreciate you,” I say to her as she moves to the door.
She hesitates before turning around with a sad smile. “I’m sorry I can’t do more for you.”
“You’ve done more for me than anyone ever has. You showed me that there’s another way. You gave me a home when I had nowhere else to go. Now you’re helping me sort out my mess.”
“I didn’t have a choice,” she says softly. She told me once that when she sees a broken soul, it’s hard for her to turn her back.
When she leaves, I lock the door. My gaze takes in the small room. It’s not much bigger than my prison cell used to be, but at least it has walls and a big enough window to enable me to see a large portion of the sky. I’m glad it’s not too big that someone can fit through it. There’s a great chance that Victor has followed me here.
I sink onto the small bed, my hands around my belly. I force myself into feeling nothing, pretending that I’m not pregnant at all. But my mind is not a fool.
Trying to harness my emotions, I close my eyes and focus on the silence in the room.
When my phone rings, I cringe. Jared’s name flashes on the screen. I consider not answering the call, but I hate not knowing what the consequences will be.
“Why did it take you so long to get to the phone?” he asks, his tone still cold.
I ache to know that the man who has been so sweet to me the past few days is gone. Jared is showing his true colors again.
“Sorry,” I say. “I couldn’t find it inside my bag.” It’s a stupid lie, but it’s the best I can do.
“Are you still driving?” he asks.
Panic wells up inside my throat, but I pull myself together. “Yes.” There’s no way I can tell him that I’ve already arrived. He would know immediately that I’m lying. “I should be there in about an hour.”
I hope he can’t hear the silence in the room. What if he’s listening for sounds of cars? Then again, it’s late at night and it’s normal for the roads to be quiet.
“Call me when you get there.”
I tell him I will. When I’m about to hang up the phone, he calls my name.
“Yes,” I answer.
“You will come back after three days, won’t you?” There’s a sile
nt threat in the spaces between the words. He’s daring me to give the wrong answer.
“Of course. I’ll come back home.” I massage my left temple with my free hand. “Are you afraid I might leave you like Victor left Rachel?”
“Maybe. Sometimes people can be unpredictable. They do things we don’t expect them to. I need you to promise that you won’t do anything stupid.”
“Like what?” I bite my lower lip.
“Never mind. Drive safely. I need to go.”
My hands are shaking as I hang up the phone and fall back against the single pillow on the bed. An uncomfortable thought drops into my mind. What if Jared knows?
Before I can obsess over the thought, my phone pings as a new text arrives. It’s from my stalker.
Your time is almost up. Leave town or face the consequences.
His words leave me cold as they always do. Now that I’m pregnant, I’m even more terrified. What will he do if he finds out about the baby?
A rush of adrenaline shoots through me and I get back to my feet.
I can’t do this. I can’t allow him to have so much power over me.
Even though I’m scared of Jared’s reaction, the only way to release Victor’s grip on me is to come clean.
Still high on adrenaline, I grab my bag and open the door. I won’t bother Rosemary again with my problems tonight. She’s probably already settled in bed. I’ll send her a text on the way home.
When I reach the front door of the shelter and turn the key in the lock, she calls my name.
She’s standing behind me in a faded blue nightgown that reaches her ankles.
As I watch her confused face, guilt stabs me in the chest.
“Where are you going?” she asks.
“I can’t stay here. It was a mistake. You were right. I should tell Jared what happened. It’s the only way I can free myself.”
“Are you sure you don’t want to sleep on it?”
“I’ve slept on it for a long time now.” I draw in a deep breath. “Thank you for everything you’ve done for me. I can’t bother you with this anymore. What happened is not my fault, but I’m guilty for keeping it from my husband. He deserves to know.”
Victor has made enough threats. It’s time I take action.
“I think that’s a good idea.” Rosemary comes to give me a hug and we say our goodbyes.
My confidence only takes me as far as my car, where I find a sharp knife waiting for me on the driver’s seat.
Chapter 13
I hand a homeless woman a jam and peanut butter sandwich. She thanks me with a toothless grin.
I haven’t changed my mind about telling Jared everything, but I couldn’t do it last night. After finding the knife inside my car, I was too much in shock to drive.
Rosemary had been standing at the door, watching me enter the car, when she heard me scream. She insisted I spend the night and return home in the morning.
Even though she got rid of the knife, I saw it the entire night behind my eyelids, lying there on my seat, a dangerous message from Victor. A line has been crossed. The game he’s playing has turned deadly.
As I help serve the rest of the breakfast, I rehearse inside my head all the things I want to say to Jared.
“What if I’m making a mistake?” I ask Rosemary for the third time today. “What if he turns me in?”
“If he loves you, he won’t.” Rosemary pours fruit tea into a plastic mug and offers it to one of the residents.
“What if he doesn’t love me enough?” I’ve been turning the question over and over in my mind since last night. What if Jared decides he doesn’t love me enough to protect me?
“Then he wasn’t meant to be yours.” Rosemary’s shoulders rise and sink as she takes a breath. “I think you’re right to want to tell him. What other options do you have?”
“Not many.” I’ve also been thinking of what I’d do if Jared is not on my side. I can either run or turn myself in. I’m not a murderer. I never killed my grandmother. But what I did wrong was run from the law.
I still remember that night, the night I was beaten up by my cellmate and was driven to a nearby hospital for treatment. I still remember the sound of screaming rubber as the police van swerved off the road to avoid an oncoming truck. I had not planned for that accident, but I survived it with only a broken arm. The two guards did not make it. As I stood on the side of the road, bleeding from new and old wounds, I couldn’t resist the temptation of fleeing, running toward my freedom. But now it looks as though I have hit a dead end.
I hate the idea of returning to prison, but am I strong enough to run again, especially while pregnant? It’s no longer just about me. It’s about the baby, the baby I have thought about all night. I have to be prepared to raise it alone because Jared might not be on board. I won’t blame him.
It’s a lot for any man to deal with. Knowing that his friend raped me might be too much for him to handle. But I made a decision last night. I’m not getting rid of the baby. Even my mother, who I had considered to be heartless for leaving me behind, still brought me into the world, even though she didn’t want me.
“You can do this.” Rosemary places an arm around my shoulders. “You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for. You have gone through so much in your life and you’re still standing. Whatever comes your way, you’ll be able to handle it.”
I hand over my last sandwich and turn to her. “Wish me luck,” I say.
Fifteen minutes later, we’re both standing outside and I’m thanking her again for everything she has done for me. There’s no guarantee that I will ever see her again as a free woman. I might end up behind bars by the end of the day.
There are tears in Rosemary’s eyes as she takes both my hands in hers. “What if you don’t do it?” she says suddenly.
I shake my head. “What? What do you mean?”
“What if you only tell your husband about the rape and the baby and leave your past out of it?” She inhales sharply. “That way you don’t have to worry that he’ll call the cops on you.”
My shoulders sink. “I considered that option, but it won’t work. As soon as he finds out that it’s Victor who raped me, he might go searching for him. What if he finds him and confronts him? I’m pretty sure Victor will tell him everything about me.” I lean against my car. “I think it’s better I tell him. I’m tired, Rosemary. I’m tired of keeping secrets.” Maybe going to prison might actually be a relief. I will no longer have to run. Having to constantly come up with lies to hide my secrets is exhausting.
“Maybe you’re right.” Rosemary blinks away tears. “I don’t want you to get hurt, that’s all. I’m terrified for you.”
“You’re so sweet to try and find ways to help me, but there’s no way out. I have to go through the eye of the storm.” I give her a quick hug and pull open the car door.
She continues to watch me until I drive through the gate.
When the shelter becomes a dot in the distance, tears spring into my eyes.
My vision is so clouded that I worry I might cause an accident. I don’t even bother to wipe them away because they’re coming way too fast.
I drive slowly, afraid to reach home, to come face-to-face with my fears. Jared will be surprised to see me back after only one night. As far as he’s concerned, I’m still out of town.
When I reach the center of town, I slow down even more and watch people living their lives, rushing to work or other places, running errands. Some of them have their own problems, but I’m pretty sure they’re nothing compared to mine.
When I drive past the police station, something inside me shifts and fear grabs me by the throat.
I can’t do it.
Without thinking about what I’m doing, I turn the car around and drive in the direction that leads out of town. My hands are tight on the steering wheel, my heart frozen inside my chest.
As memories of prison flood my mind, it occurs to me that the only right thing for me to do is run. I’ve d
one it before. I managed to create a new life. I can do it again. I can create another life for me and the baby.
I drive for over an hour, only stopping to withdraw cash from an ATM.
This time, I make it to Polson and pull up in front of a small motel. I pay for one night, but I’m not even sure I’ll stay that long. I just need to slow down, to come up with a plan.
Inside the room, I give Rosemary a call.
“Have you told him?” she asks, hopeful.
“No.” I massage my left temple. “I didn’t go home.”
“You didn’t? Why?”
“I needed to get out of Sanlow.” I pick up the pillow and hug it to my body for comfort. “I’m not coming back.”
“But I thought—”
“Yeah, me too. I thought I was brave enough to face Jared. But I’m not. I’m also not brave enough to return to prison. I don’t think I’d be able to survive it a second time.”
“What will you do now? Where are you?”
“I’m in Polson...in a motel.” I let out a breath. “I’m calling to say goodbye. I’ll never forget what you did for me.”
“Kelsey, you can’t leave. You never know how your husband might have reacted. He could have protected you.”
“Maybe. But there’s no guarantee. I can’t take the risk. I have a baby to protect.”
Even though Rosemary continues to try to talk me into returning to Sanlow, I stand my ground. She offers me money to help me start over, but I refuse. I can’t ask more of her. At least I have the four hundred dollars I withdrew from our household account. I only hope Jared will not notice until a few days later. Or maybe he won’t care. He knows I’m out of town. It would be normal for me to need money.
He will be devastated when he finds out I’m gone, but I’m not only doing this for me and the baby. I’m also doing it for him. If I tell him the truth about myself and he decides to protect me, he would be breaking the law by harboring a fugitive. I don’t want us both to end up behind bars.
The one good thing about running is that Victor will finally get what he wants and leave me alone. In a way, I’ll be free.