Heart of Hope

by Shanna Hatfield

  With a softened voice and heart, she turned to Josh. “I… I need some time to think. Please? Give me a little time to adjust to all this.”

  “Where are you going to go?” Josh folded his hands across his chest to keep from reaching out to her again.

  “Aunt Amelia will let me stay with them. She won’t ask too many questions. I’m not up to telling her I’m pregnant and I really don’t want anyone to know right now anyway.” Jenna stepped around Josh and filled a bag with her vitamins. She pulled a bottle of water out of the fridge and walked back to grab her suitcase.

  Josh picked it up and carried it out to her car without saying a word. She followed behind him. Part of her wanted him to hold her tight and tell her everything would be fine. The other part of her wanted to pound his chest and scream at him for ruining her life. It was best for her to spend some time away from him until she wrapped her head around the notion that she was truly having his baby. It wasn’t his fault, so until she could quit unfairly blaming him, she needed some time to herself.

  She opened her car door and dropped the bag of vitamins, water bottle, and her purse on the passenger seat. Before she could climb inside, Josh engulfed her from behind in a hug. In his arms, she felt his desperation, anxiety, and heartache.

  On a day they should both be celebrating, Jenna instead felt like a part of her had died. With a deep sigh, she turned and wrapped her arms around Josh, holding him tight. He drew her even closer and took several ragged breaths. He held her that way for a few minutes before pulling back and kissing her forehead.

  “Do you want me to drive you?” he asked in a voice raw with emotion.

  “I’ll be fine. I’ll call you when I get to Aunt Amelia’s.” Jenna bit the inside of her cheek to keep from crying. “I’m sorry, Josh, I just need some time.”

  “Take all the time you need, but remember I’m right here when you’re ready to come home,” Josh said, as she slid into the driver’s seat and started the car. “I love you, Jenna. Always have, always will.”

  Tears poured down Jenna’s face as she put a hand on Josh’s cheek. “I love you, too.”

  Chapter Nine

  As she drove back to the city, Jenna’s energy level flagged before she reached the halfway mark.

  She fought to keep focused on the road and breathed a sigh of relief when she reached her aunt and uncle’s neighborhood. Dragging her suitcase across the street and up to Phil and Amelia’s apartment took every bit of strength she had left. She rang the bell, standing on weak knees outside their door, hoping she’d make it to their guest room before she collapsed.

  The door finally opened. “Jenna, dear, what are you doing?” Amelia asked with a welcoming smile, before leveling a questioning glance at Jenna’s suitcase.

  “I know it’s extremely bad manners, Aunt Amelia, but may I please stay with you for a while? Josh and I… we... um… I just need a little time to think and I can’t do that at home.” Jenna pulled the suitcase inside while Amelia closed the door.

  “Jenna, you know you’re welcome to stay any time you need to.” Amelia took the suitcase handle from Jenna and pulled it down the hall to a guest room. The large bed, comfortable rocker, private bathroom, and windows that let sunlight stream inside made it one of the most welcoming guest rooms Jenna thought she’d ever seen. Gratitude flowed through her at Amelia’s willingness to let her stay.

  “If you need someone to talk to, I’m always willing to listen. You can stay as long as you need to,” Amelia said, giving her a comforting hug. “Does Josh know you’re here?”

  “Yes. I promised I’d call and let him know I made it.” Jenna sank onto the bed in exhaustion. She flopped back against the mattress and instantly fell asleep.

  Amelia shook her head as she swung Jenna’s legs onto the bed, pulled off her shoes, and draped a light throw over her. After closing the curtains and the door, she walked back to the kitchen, wondering what had driven Jenna away from Josh.

  Although Jenna seemed rather quiet during dessert, they’d been so happy Friday when they spent time together before and after the play.

  Hesitant, Amelia placed a call to Josh. She didn’t have to wait long for him to pick up.

  “Hi, Amelia.” Josh didn’t give anything away by his tone. “I’m guessing Jenna is there or you wouldn’t be calling.”

  “She is Josh. Poor thing sat down on the bed and said she needed to call you. Before I could blink, she’d fallen asleep.” Amelia was curious what caused her niece to run to away from him. “I didn’t want you to worry, so I thought I’d let you know she arrived safe and sound. Is she okay? She doesn’t look well.”

  Josh hesitated before answering - long enough for Amelia to know he was thinking about how to respond to her question. “We went to the doctor this morning. Apparently, Jenna’s new job is more demanding than either of us expected. The doctor diagnosed her with exhaustion and cautioned her to slow down. She’s not too happy about the prospect of giving up her new job.”

  “And I take it you wouldn’t mind her giving up the new job for one that didn’t involve her traveling,” Amelia asked innocently.

  “Darn right.” Josh’s tone was rough, laced with conviction. “That job is ruining her health along with a variety of other things. I want her to take care of herself but right now, she’s plenty ticked at me. From our last conversation, it became glaringly apparent Jenna isn’t particularly open to discussing options with any degree of reason at the moment.”

  Amelia laughed, surprising Josh. “Well, you know Jenna is related to her Uncle Phil and the Granger family. You’d be hard-pressed to find a bunch of more bull-headed people. She doesn’t want anyone making decisions for her and she likes everything to be on her terms. Give her time, Josh. Once she gets her head wrapped around the problem, things will be fine. I’ll try to keep you posted. If you need to talk, call me anytime.”

  “You’re the best, Amelia.” Warmth filled his voice as he experienced a wave of thankfulness for Jenna’s aunt and uncle. “Thanks for everything.”

  “You are more than welcome.”

  The tractor bounced across a badger hole, yanking Josh from his gloomy thoughts as he drove the baler into a neighbor’s field, ready to begin another custom haying job. His cell phone rang and he hurriedly pulled it from his shirt pocket.

  “Hey, Cal.” He turned off the tractor so he could hear his sister. “What’s up?”

  “I wanted to find out how things are going with you and Jenna. I couldn’t help but worry after what you shared. Are you sure there isn’t anything I can do?”

  “Not now.” Impatient and frustrated, Josh jiggled his foot. This wasn’t a conversation he wanted to have with anyone, let alone Callan. “She left me. Went to Amelia’s and said she’d come back when she had time to think. I had no choice but to let her go. I can’t make her want to stay any more than I can make her want this baby.”

  “Oh, Josh. I’m so sorry.” Callan’s voice quavered, working to keep her tears in check. “It will work out fine. Just give her some time to let it all sink in. I’m sure the news came as quite a shock to you both, but Jenna has been quite adamant about not having kids. I can’t believe she got pregnant.”

  “Here’s the best part,” Josh said, as his anger flared once again. “She forgot to refill her prescription for birth control pills, yet claims her being pregnant is completely and entirely my fault. She didn’t even bother to tell me she’d been off the pills for a while. If she was really that set against having a baby, wouldn’t she have been more mindful of making sure she couldn’t get pregnant?”

  “That’s very interesting.” Callan attempted to hide the smile in her voice but it was impossible to disguise from Josh. He knew her too well.

  “What’s so amusing?” Josh asked in a clipped tone, annoyed with Callan. There wasn’t a single thing about this situation that he found humorous.

  “Despite Jenna’s protests otherwise, maybe a part of her really wanted to have a baby. Maybe part
of her didn’t get a refill on purpose and didn’t tell you on purpose.”

  “That’s what I thought.” Josh took off his ball cap and ran a hand over his head before replacing it. “When I suggested that, she slammed the bathroom door on me. I’m thrilled she’s pregnant. You know how much I love Emma and Audrey, how much I’ve wanted to start our own family. I just wish I could share that happiness with Jenna.”

  “You will. She’ll come around and when she does, you can celebrate together, the way it should be,” Callan said with an assurance Josh needed to hear. “I better let you get back to work. Are you sure there isn’t anything you need? You can come over here for dinner tonight, if you want.”

  “Thanks, but Jake is here as well. I don’t want to overwhelm you with too much charm and stunning good looks in one evening,” Josh teased, feeling more like himself.

  “Oh, that won’t be a problem unless you two are bringing along someone I haven’t met. Just be here around six-thirty. I promise I’ll make something chocolate.” Callan threw out the promise of chocolate as a bribe, knowing Josh wouldn’t refuse.

  “We’ll be there. Thanks, Cal. Love you.”

  “Love you, too, little brother.”

  Arriving at Callan and Clay’s right on time, Josh gave a quick knock on the door before he and Jake stepped inside the house. Although no one greeted them, food sat on the counter in the kitchen, waiting to be served.

  When the two men walked through the family room, they heard Audrey and Emma giggling from the backyard along with the dog barking and adult laughter.

  After opening the patio door, they found Callan reclining on a patio chair with a glass of iced tea while Clay manned the barbecue. Audrey and Emma struggled to pull a small length of rope away from Cully, their Border collie, across the yard. The more they tugged, the more the dog yanked and shook the rope.

  “I think you two need to admit defeat,” Josh said, moving beside Callan’s chair.

  “Hi guys.” Callan motioned for them to take a seat at the patio table. Before they could sit down, the girls dropped their end of the rope and ran over to see two of their favorite people. Emma launched herself at Josh. He swept her up and tossed her in the air, much to her pleasure.

  Jake grabbed Audrey under the arms and swung her around in a big circle.

  “Again, Jake, again,” Audrey pleaded between giggles. He swung her around a few more times before Emma demanded a turn.

  “Whew, you two wore me out,” Jake said, dropping onto a chair and fanning himself with his hat.

  “Come on, Jake, again,” Emma tugged on his hand.

  “Girls, that’s enough.” Callan raised an eyebrow at the two girls. “Why don’t you go get Jake and Uncle Josh a glass of tea?”

  “Sure, Mama.” Audrey ran into the house followed by Emma.

  “Are you two just going to sit there while I slave away, melting in the heat, to cook your dinner?” Clay waving his cooking tongs at Josh and Jake for emphasis.

  “I fully intend to sit here, dude, and have you wait on me hand and foot,” Jake said, with a devilish gleam in his blue eyes. “Hurry it up, would ya’. I’m starving.”

  Clay pointed at Jake then offered Callan a wide grin. “Callan, no steak for big-mouth. He can have a peanut butter sandwich.”

  “Yeah, whatever.” Jake knew Clay was teasing. The two of them rarely traded anything except jesting comments or insults, and liked it that way.

  The six of them enjoyed a delicious steak dinner with baked potatoes, green salad, sliced fruit, and crusty bread. For dessert, Callan brought out homemade chocolate ice cream with all the trimmings including a tray of chocolate chip cookies, strawberries, chocolate sauce, and whipped cream.

  “Cal, this is amazing.” Josh took another bite of ice cream. On his second bowl of the creamy confection, he’d already eaten at least three cookies. “Thank you for inviting us. This is better than anything we’d make at home. Left to our own devices, Jake may have eaten that peanut butter sandwich after all.”

  Jake shot Josh a look that said he would have found something better than peanut butter for dinner as he scooped another bowl of ice cream.

  “Clay, remember the year at the fair you kept buying me ice cream cones and I ate so many I got sick. Mom was really ticked at you,” Jake laughed at the memory. “Wasn’t that the summer you met Callan?”

  Clay looked up from his bowl of strawberries covered with whipped cream and shared a private smile with his wife. He’d never liked ice cream, but the summer they fell in love, he’d been determined to meet her. When he discovered she peddled ice cream cones for her aunt’s sorority club at the county fair, he visited the booth multiple times before he worked up the courage to ask her out. He had to do something with all the ice cream cones he purchased and Jake was a willing recipient.

  “Yep, that was the summer I met the most beautiful girl in the world.” Clay squeezed Callan’s hand. She leaned over and kissed his cheek, eyes glowing with love.

  Josh glanced at his sister. He didn’t know how it happened, but she and Clay seemed to fall more in love every day. He wished his relationship with Jenna would return to being even remotely that warm, loving, and open. Instead, he felt like she’d erected a wall between them that only she could tear down.

  He was happy for Callan and Clay, truly, he was, but seeing them so in love made the ache in his heart hurt even more.

  Josh and Jake stayed until Clay declared it time for the girls to go to bed. Audrey and Emma gave both men a tight hug and sticky kiss before Clay herded them toward their room.

  Callan walked Josh and Jake to the door. “I’m so glad you two came over.”

  “Thanks, Callan.” Jake hugged her and kissed her cheek. “Anything is better than trying to choke down the slop Josh passes off as food.”

  “I heard that, you know.” Josh nudged Jake out the door, shaking his head. “I assume you don’t want to walk home and will keep further commentary about my cooking to yourself.”

  Jake grinned and waved at Callan as he walked down the sidewalk toward Josh’s pickup.

  “Thanks again, Cal.” Josh settled his arm around her shoulders as she walked down the sidewalk with him. “I appreciate the good food and the company.”

  “You know you can come anytime. Just hang in there, Josh. Things will get better soon.” Callan handed him a plain brown gift bag with blue tissue paper decoratively placed inside.

  “What’s this?” Josh took the gift in his hands. The bag was heavy and he looked from it to her quizzically. “It’s not my birthday or anything.”

  “I know, but I think you’ll like it just the same.” Callan offered him an indulgent smile. “Wait until Jake goes home to open it, though, okay?”

  “Sure.” Josh set it on backseat of his pickup, slid behind the wheel, and started the ignition. “Thanks for being such a great sister.”

  “You can quit dumping on the flattery, man, she already fed us dinner,” Jake grinned and waggled his eyebrows at Callan, making her laugh.

  Josh frowned and gave Jake a playful shove as he put the pickup in reverse.

  “Bye guys. And see, I was able to survive all your charm and dashing good looks just fine!” Callan teased as they backed out of the driveway.

  As soon as they arrived back at the farm, Jake returned to his place.

  Josh walked inside the house, turned on the kitchen light, and set the bag from Callan on the counter. When he removed the tissue paper, he was surprised to find several books on pregnancy and parenthood. He looked through the selections and turned over one of the books to read the back cover. Written expressly for expectant fathers, it looked like a great place to start learning what he’d need to know before the baby arrived. He had no idea what Jenna felt or experienced and wanted to understand.

  He carried the books into the bedroom and stacked the various titles on the side table. He placed the one for fathers on his nightstand and got ready for bed.

  Josh turned on the bedside
lamp, climbed between the cool sheets, and read for more than an hour. He had no idea so much happened to a woman’s body, even in the first few weeks of pregnancy.

  No wonder Jenna didn’t act like herself. She isn’t herself, he mused. Her body rapidly changed to accommodate the little life growing inside.

  Josh sat lost in his thoughts for a while before he turned out the light and rolled over to the empty side of the bed.

  Jenna’s scent clung to her pillow, so he pulled it close and breathed deeply. Slowly drifting off to sleep, he wondered if the ache of missing his wife would ever go away.

  Chapter Ten

  Jenna awoke late that evening, disoriented. Reluctantly, she recalled her doctor appointment and all the spiteful, cruel words she’d tossed at Josh.

  Disheartened, she wandered out to the living room where her aunt and uncle watched television.

  “Hello, Jenna.” Phil got to his feet and wrapped her in a welcoming hug. “We saved you a plate from dinner. Are you hungry?”

  “Actually, I am.” She smiled at her uncle then walked into the kitchen followed by Amelia. “I can get it Aunt Amelia, no need for you to miss your show.”

  “Phil’s watching one of those crime shows with blood and gore. I pretend to watch while I’m reading or stitching,” she said with a wave of her hand toward the kitchen door. “Believe me, I don’t mind missing the whole thing.”

  Jenna laughed as her aunt set a plate in front of her with pasta, a hunk of buttered bread, and fruit. It all looked delicious. Tired or not, Jenna realized she hadn’t eaten well for days and needed to force herself to eat better.

  She still hadn’t taken the vitamins they’d picked up earlier in the day and decided she would make them part of her morning routine. So far, she wasn’t suffering from morning sickness. She found herself nauseous occasionally, but nothing like what some of her friends or her two older sisters had suffered while pregnant.