For All The Right Reasons

by Brownell, Rachael

  It really was a fun summer.

  One that flew by too quickly.

  Maybe it was because we didn't want it to end. I know I wasn't ready for us to go our separate ways. I wasn't ready to give up the connection we had. And I don't just mean my connection with Nathan.

  Gabby and Quinn are my friends too. I love them. I cherish our friendship.

  Life without the three of them isn't the same. I wake up wanting to tell Gabby the strangest things or expecting to find Quinn at the dining room table shoveling a bowl of cereal in his mouth. At night, I crawl into bed wishing Nathan's arms were wrapped around me.

  Reality isn't as much fun as the fantasy was. And this summer felt like a fantasy. One filled with friendship and romance and, eventually, heartbreak. Mine.

  Chapter Four

  NATHAN

  I knew I shouldn't have brought Heather to lunch last week. I knew it, but I let her talk me into it anyway. She wanted to meet the people I've been talking about since she walked back into my life the day after I arrived on campus.

  “Hey, baby!”

  I recognize her voice immediately. It’s been almost five months since I’ve laid eyes on my ex, but there’s no mistaking that drawl, and after spending the summer at home, it’s thicker than ever.

  “Heather,” I state, taking another swig of my beer, emptying the can.

  It’s not my first today, and it won’t be my last. I have two more days until classes start, and my plan is to spend them drunk. Why? Because all I can think about when I’m sober is Jade. The look on her face when we parted ways. The sadness in her eyes.

  And it’s fucking killing me.

  So I drink to forget.

  Turns out, seven beers isn’t the magic number based on the empty cans sitting on the table next to me.

  “I didn’t realize you were back,” she coos, running her red fingernail down my exposed bicep.

  “I didn’t realize you cared.” My words are filled with hate. I’m not even mad at her anymore, but I can’t stop myself.

  Sliding into my lap without asking, Heather starts running those nails down my chest. I should have worn a shirt, but it’s hot as fuck outside today.

  “Did you miss me?”

  Ha! No.

  That’s the first thought that crosses my mind, but when I look up, ready to tell her the honest-to-God’s truth, her bottom lip is protruding, and the urge to bite it is overwhelming.

  It has to be the beer.

  That’s the only explanation.

  Because I don’t want her. I want nothing to do with this situation. I want Jade.

  Still, I lie and say I did. I pull her bottom lip into my mouth, nibbling on it until her tongue finds mine. I suck it into my mouth and devour her, but it’s not enough.

  Her kiss lacks emotion. It lacks desire. It's just a kiss, and I want more.

  It’s not until I’m slipping deep inside her that I realize I’m not going to find what I’m looking for with Heather. Not in her kiss and not between her legs.

  The fire between Jade and I burned so brightly this summer she’s ruined all other women for me. No one will ever compare to her. No woman will come close.

  I’m screwed.

  Looking back now, if I hadn't been drunk, I probably would have pushed her away. But the fact of the matter was I'd been drinking most of the day, the sun was beating down on me, and I was in a pissy mood. I couldn't stop thinking about Jade, and it irritated the hell out of me.

  I was mad at myself. Not her.

  Angry that I hadn't manned up and told her how I felt. Asked her if she wanted to continue our relationship on the mainland. To confess I wanted to make things public, that I was sick of sneaking around behind people’s backs. I wasn't ashamed of what we had.

  Maybe how things started weren't exactly ideal or traditional, but not every relationship has a fairytale beginning. And really, who cares about the beginning of anything. It's the end that matters.

  And our ending came with the last sound of the ferry whistle as we made our way to our cars.

  So when Heather showed up at my apartment as night fell, I was drunk and horny and not in the mood to fight about what had happened between us. I'd accepted that she gave up on me. I couldn’t put my feelings into words. Not just with her but with Jade, and because of that, I continued to get kicked in the nuts.

  She crawled into my lap, her southern drawl dripping with sugar, and coaxed me into submission telling me how much she missed me and how she wanted us to try again.

  All I wanted was to get laid so I could stop thinking about Jade.

  That didn't work, of course. The entire time I was fucking her I imagined I was balls deep inside Jade. And when I came, I almost called her name, catching myself at the last second and calling out to Jesus instead.

  I've apologized for that. Said my Hail Marys.

  Heather was oblivious, and we've been hooking up ever since. She calls herself my girlfriend, and I let her, but my heart’s not in it, and I know it's not going to last much longer. My gut tells me she knows it too. She keeps saying I'm different, that summer changed me. It did and I am, but I brush her comments off every time.

  So when she pestered me all week to take her to lunch with my friends, I finally relented. Gabby was bringing her boyfriend, so why the hell not. If Jade didn't feel the same way I did, she wouldn't care if I had a girlfriend. She wouldn't care if I brought her to lunch.

  It wasn't to flaunt her or to get a rise out of Jade.

  But it did, and it felt like a smack across the face. I wouldn't do anything to hurt her on purpose. Her cold shoulder and the look in her eyes told me I had, on purpose or not. She refused to look in my direction. I hugged her before we left, and she felt cold and distant.

  So here I am, trying to figure out how to apologize to Jade without admitting guilt because I had no idea Heather's presence would cause her even an ounce of pain. She gave me the impression that ending things was the best decision for both of us. Now I'm starting to wonder if I misinterpreted her words.

  ME: You around?

  Testing the waters. Is she in a bad mood? Will she even want to talk to me?

  JADE: Cell phones were invented so people are always available.

  Sass. That could be a good sign. She knows I like it when she's sassy with me. It turns me on.

  ME: So about lunch...

  And this is where words fail me, so I send the text and wait patiently for her response. I watch as the three little dots appear, disappear, and reappear again as she types.

  JADE: It was nice catching up with everyone. I'm glad we agreed to get together once a month, but I think I'd prefer it was just the four of us, ya know? Some of those stories scared your girlfriend. They're the kind where you had to be there to find them funny.

  That's her response? I don't know how to interpret that.

  ME: I agree. Plus, it's not the same if it's not the four of us. I want things to be like they were this summer.

  Go me! That's a start, right? I mean, I basically told her I wanted to be with her still without using those exact words. Or any of those words. Or telling her that's what I want.

  Fuck!

  JADE: It was a fun summer, wasn't it? We should all plan a trip together next summer. Invite Heather and Gavin to come along so they can be a part of the adventure and the inside jokes.

  Back to square fuckin' one.

  Let's try again.

  ME: I wish you were in my bed right now.

  NO! Delete, delete, delete.

  ME: I miss fucking you.

  Damn it! Delete. This isn't about sex. There's so much more I want from her. Sex is at the bottom of the list.

  Okay, that's a lie. It's close to the top, but it's not the number one item.

  I need to switch those words around. Tell her I fucking miss her. Be honest for a change. Let my guard down.

  JADE: Gotta study. Talk to you later.

  FUCK ME!

  I lost my chance. Aga
in.

  I'm a damn pussy. I’m too scared to tell her how I feel. Afraid she's going to reject me. I know she feels the same way. I saw it in her damn eyes.

  Hell, I saw it the last night we were together.

  "So," I begin as Jade pulls her wrinkled T-shirt over her head, her perfect tits disappearing behind the soft gray fabric. "About tomorrow."

  We'd successfully avoided talking about it for days now. Even Gabby and Quinn have skirted around the subject. Until last night that is when we all made a pact.

  To stay friends.

  To stay in contact.

  To get together once a month for lunch.

  Jade's quiet as she continues to get dressed. The sun's already starting to rise. She never slipped back into her room, falling asleep in my arms after we made— had sex.

  "What about it?" I can hear her voice shake. She's trying to act as casual as our relationship has been all summer, but even without being able to look in her eyes, I can hear the uncertainty in her voice.

  Scooting across the bed so I can reach her, I pull her down onto the mattress so I can have this conversation with her face to face. Because, for once in my life, I think I'm ready to lay all my cards on the table. I'm ready to take a huge fucking risk.

  No one else has ever been worth it. Not until I met Jade. She broke through my heartless façade months ago, and it's been all downhill since then. And I mean that in a good way. As in, she's at the bottom of the hill and I'm about to crash into her. Not just her body either. I want to crash into her heart.

  "I know summer is over. I know we're all headed back to school. I also know I'm not ready to give this up." My words are as strong as my resolve. I've never had a way with words. They tend to screw me over more than help my situation, which is why I stayed up most of the night, staring at Jade as she slept, and practiced what I wanted to say to her over and over again.

  I'm ready for this.

  I can handle it.

  "They call it a summer fling for a reason, Nathan. When summer ends... so does the fling."

  Who's she trying to convince? Me or herself? I'm not buying it, and the defeat in her voice means she's not either.

  "I need to go before Gabby or Quinn wake up. They may not have put two and two together when Gabby found the condom, but watching me walk out of your room looking like I've been thoroughly fucked... that's going to give us away. And you promised this was our little secret."

  She stands, then heads to the door. Stopping with her hand gripping the handle, she looks back at me before opening it. Jade doesn't say it, but I can see it in her eyes. I felt it in my heart. In my soul.

  Goodbye.

  It was the last night we spent together on the island. The last time she was in my arms.

  And I fucking let her walk away without fighting.

  Because I'm a pussy.

  Correction. I was a pussy because I'm not ready to stop fighting for her. For what I want and how I feel about her. If she doesn't want to be with me, she's going to have to tell me to my face.

  Until then, it's game on.

  My prize?

  Jade.

  Chapter Five

  JADE

  You'd think I'd be able to move on, but Nathan is making this harder than it has to be. For fuck’s sake, he has a girlfriend. Pay attention to her and let me wallow in peace.

  Apparently, he doesn't know how to do that. Either that or he is purposely trying to get under my skin. In my bed.

  There's no way he's trying to win my heart because if that were the case, I'd know.

  Still, here we are.

  Sitting in the restaurant, waiting for Gabby and Quinn to arrive. Again.

  They're always late. I'm not even sure who to blame. They always ride together, taking turns driving. It makes sense. They live in the same city, go to the same college. Why make the drive separately?

  But that leaves me alone with Nathan.

  He's made it a point of arriving first the last six months. Meaning that we're alone for ten to fifteen minutes. Making sure he sits next to me, half the time trapping me in the booth so I have nowhere to go.

  And then he does things like touch my thigh or tuck my hair behind my ear.

  Well, not today.

  Today I'm wearing a headband that's an inch thick. It's so tight on my head it hurts, but there's no way any strays are going to escape.

  One problem solved.

  As far as him touching me, I have no solution. It doesn't matter what I wear, he finds a way. And I can always feel his touch no matter what.

  Baggy sweatshirts and sweaters... the heat of his hand on the small of my back still seeps through, warming me straight to my core.

  Jeans or leggings... as soon as his thigh hits mine, I have to resist the urge to close my eyes and moan as the electric current runs through me from the close contact.

  Skirts are the worst. The one time I wore one, having come directly from an interview for my internship, his hand grazed bare skin, and my legs parted on their own.

  It was like a damn invitation.

  He noticed. I pretended nothing happened, crossed my legs, and scooted closer to the wall. I was still trapped, but at least we weren't touching. Not that it mattered. I was turned on the second I laid eyes on him. That's all it takes.

  "How have you been?" he asks, turning in the booth to face me.

  He texts me all the time. Checking on me. Asking how I am or what I'm up to. Seeing if I need anything. If I want to catch a movie or go out for drinks.

  Half the time, I ignore his texts even though he can see I've read them. Damn technology. Sometimes I wish it weren't so advanced. It always feels like I have no privacy.

  "Fine."

  That's the best I can come up with. I certainly can't tell him I woke up in the middle of the night, wet and on the verge of an orgasm because I was dreaming about him. I don't even want to admit that to myself, though it's becoming a more regular occurrence.

  So much so I almost confessed everything to Gabby the last time we talked. She was asking me about the new guy I was dating. The guy I made up at lunch last month. My attempt to push Nathan away. I was trying to come up with answers to her questions on the fly and realized I was basically telling her everything about my relationship with Nathan.

  God, I was so transparent.

  Or at least I thought. I assumed she would catch on. That I would slip up and say his name. Neither of those things happened.

  We did a hell of a job keeping things casual last summer. When we were in a group, the four of us, it was like we were all best friends. As if we'd known each other for years and not weeks. We'd poke fun at each other, laugh for hours, and do stupid shit. Nathan never looked in my direction with desire pooling in his eyes, and as time went on, I was able to do the same.

  Now, if it were just the two of us, alone, the situation was different. I found it incredibly hard not to convey how much I wanted him in those moments, and that's when we'd usually slip away, find a quiet spot, and fuck. I became somewhat of a voyeur over the summer.

  We had sex outside the house almost as much as we did in it.

  Our backyard. In the lake. The bathroom of the bar one time.

  That was fun. I was sure we would get caught, but we weren't even a blip on the radar as everyone we knew embarrassed themselves singing karaoke.

  Then there was the time we toured the fort and had a quickie while tourists roamed the grounds outside the building we were in. Something had never felt so right and wrong all at the same time, and it was hot.

  The old fort on the island is my favorite place to visit, so when Nathan asked if I wanted to play tourist, I jumped at the chance. It has so much history. I love the shows they put on, the period clothing, all of it, but my favorite thing to see is the worn-down buildings that line the outskirts.

  So that’s the first place we head.

  Away from the crowd. Just the two of us.

  I should have known it was a bad idea when he sh
ut the door behind us. Should have known he was up to something when he winked as he did it.

  “This is a bad idea,” I state as Nathan lifts my skirt, practically ripping my underwear off as he pulls them down.

  “I don’t have bad ideas,” he whispers.

  The sound of his zipper followed by the rip of the condom wrapper cuts through the silence. The next thing I know, he’s bending me forward, lifting my right leg and thrusting into me.

  All I can think of is how I love his bad ideas as the sound of children's laughter floats on the breeze. They’re close, probably only a few feet away from the entrance to the old building we’re hiding in. If they walk in here, they’re in for the shock of their lifetime.

  I’m also close and so is Nathan. He’s pumping feverishly into me and just as he’s about to fall over the edge, I let go. Two seconds later, he follows me into bliss.

  He’s tucking himself back in his shorts, a shit-eating grin on his face when I turn around.

  “I told you it was a great idea.”

  “I’m not going to say I’ll never doubt you again, but—”

  He pulls me close and captures my lips, cutting off the rest of my statement. “It was hot,” he states, pulling away.

  “It was, but it was also dangerous. Anyone could have walked in here, and we would have been busted.”

  “That’s what made it so hot.”

  “You’re crazy, you know that?” I ask as I flatten out my skirt and turn to leave.

  “Crazy about you,” he quips, causing me to stop in my tracks. When his arms wrap around me from behind, my body tenses. “I’ve never met anyone who drives me as crazy as you do, Jade.”