“No reason. I misunderstood something.”
“Autumn—”
“Make your calls and get back to me. I appreciate you, Beth.”
I hurried before she could inquire further and looked at Declan.
“We have a problem. Ash lied to me. She told me Beth told her I was in Iowa.”
“We have a bigger problem,” Zane grunted. “That was Elizabeth Turner.”
“How do you know that?” I asked.
“Because Beth is Tex’s right-hand woman.”
Shit, oh, fuck, and dammit all.
“I didn’t know,” I rushed out.
“Tex is gonna blow his stack.”
Shit, damn, and more fucks.
I sensed Tex and the guys were close. I didn’t want Tex mad at anyone. And he was more than a little scary with what he could do with a computer. A computer that held all my secrets.
Fuck.
“Baby, he’s not gonna be pissed at you. And whatever you’re thinking, get it out of your mind. Tex would never give what he’s got over to anyone.”
“But—”
“Tex might be pissed, but it won’t be at you, and Beth will be fine. Tex is gonna be pissed because Beth had all the answers and he didn’t know. And it took him forever to dig up what he did on you which means Beth did a damn good job burying it.”
“And the student becomes the master,” Kyle mumbled.
“Told you, you were a pain in my ass.”
“Maybe we could just not tell Tex,” I suggested.
“Woman, who do you think Beth is calling? She needs guidance and she’s going to Tex. She’s considering breaking confidentiality and that shit is set in stone. I’m not talking the same discretion as a priest sitting in a confessional. I’m talking granite. She breaks that, she’s fucked, and in turn, Tex is fucked. What Ash is working on, we need Garrett to find.”
Shit.
I sucked in a breath, hating that I was about to betray a friend, albeit a friend who’d lied to me. But two wrongs don’t make a right however I had to make my move to protect the goodness in front of me. Something was off—way the hell off. And we needed to know what Ash was up to.
“Ashaki’s real name is Amie Shapiro.”
“Fuck,” Declan clipped. “Baby—”
“It was scrubbed when she left the FBI, but her records will be under that name, including the information about her family.”
“Autumn—”
“I’m making the plays I need to make. We’re a team, right? All of us? I need to trust my team and give them what they need.”
“Christ.” Declan’s hands went to his hair and he combed his long fingers through it. “Thank you, baby.”
Then without warning, Thad was at my side. He pulled me into a hug and squeezed the life out of me. Panic came barreling to the surface, I felt the sweat instantly bead on my forehead, and I furiously tried to blink away the haze.
“Let her go,” Declan demanded.
“Brother—”
“Right now, Thaddeus.” Then Declan was pulling me out of my brother-in-law’s arms.
“Fuck, I didn’t think.”
“Baby, look at me.” I blinked and Declan came into focus. “You good?”
I was horrified everyone saw my panic attack, but so fucking grateful Declan was trying to cover it up that I felt my nose sting.
“Damn,” I whispered. “He was just trying to hug me.”
“He came at you quick, Autumn. He’s lucky you didn’t take off his balls.”
“Shit, Autumn, I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking. My fault.”
I gave Thad a shaky smile. “Not your fault I’m all fucked-up.”
“Don’t do that,” he chided. “Don’t go back to her.”
My back went ramrod straight, a smartass retort on my tongue, but the fire quickly faded when Declan placed my hand on his chest. The steady thrum of his heartbeat under my palm settled the anger.
Don’t go back.
I didn’t need Declan to remind me to be fearless, not verbally anyway.
One touch was all I needed.
“I get freaked out when I’m held onto,” I told Thad. “I can’t be restrained in any way. And I don’t like to be touched.”
“It won’t happen again,” he assured me.
“I don’t want to be afraid anymore.” I wasn’t sure if I was telling that to Declan or Thad or to both of them. I just knew it was the truth. “So I’d like to try again. But maybe just not so tight.”
Declan gave me a blinding smile that told me just how proud he was of me, and stepped aside.
I slowly turned to Thad. He ignored my wobbly smile and gently wrapped me in a hug.
His mouth bent to my ear and he whispered, “Thank you.”
“For what? A hug?”
“For giving my Emmy back her family.”
I jerked, blinked, and scrunched my nose to stop the stinging.
I might be on the road to recovery but I didn’t want to cry in front of anyone.
“You’re welcome.”
My voice cracked, what was left of my walls crumbled, but I was pretty damn pleased I didn’t cry.
Chapter 26
“Babe?”
“Yeah?” Autumn answered, and gave me her eyes but continued to move the crunchy taco shell toward her mouth.
“These are spectacular.”
She smiled around a mouthful of taco, chewed, then spoke. “Thanks. Spent years getting the spices right.”
Autumn didn’t season the meat from a packet, she bought nine jars of spices and made her own. She’d also fried corn tortillas. The result was killer.
After we’d left the office, Autumn was quiet. After some internal debate, I gave her that play. I’d watched her fight back tears in the office, winning the battle, but I knew she was still raw. By the time we’d hit the grocery store, she seemed to sort herself enough to engage in conversation. All through shopping and making dinner, I’d kept it light. No shop talk, no discussion about family, the future, Beth, Tex, or Ashaki.
“You like to cook?” I asked.
Autumn’s expression turned pensive and I hoped my simple question hadn’t shattered the easy vibe.
“I do, though I haven’t done a lot of it over the years. But when I’ve had downtime, or I’ve stayed in one place long enough to rent a place, I like to cook.”
There was a lot there and I wasn’t sure where to start, but Autumn did.
“In the beginning, I stayed in the U.S. but moved around a lot. I was learning, watching, gathering information I needed on how these men operated. I had a lot of free time then and I found cooking relaxed me. I’m not a sit still kind of person so watching TV never appealed to me. And I like to read when I’m going to bed but other than that, I can’t just laze on the couch and pick up a book. I didn’t have friends, so with nothing better to do with my time, I taught myself how to cook.
“Once I understood what was going on and I was ready, I worked my first target. It was then any free time I had vanished. When I wasn’t with him, I was watching. When I wasn’t watching, I was sleeping. Rinse and repeat. Then Ash called, asked me if I was ready for more and she started punting me jobs that took me overseas. From then on, life just happened, I was busy all the time. Ate when I could, carved out time to sleep, but there was no time to relax or cook. I lived and breathed my job.”
Life hadn’t just happened to Autumn. She’d worked hard to teach herself the skills she needed to stay alive in a world that most of the population didn’t know existed. The ones who did turned a blind eye because the atrocities were so horrific, most couldn’t stomach it—the mere thought was too disturbing.
But not Autumn. She didn’t have the luxury of not knowing. She’d survived it. And her being her meant she couldn’t turn a blind eye. She couldn’t walk away and forget. No, Autumn Pierce, like me, like all the men I worked with, would fight. She’d exhaust herself, put herself in danger, darken her soul, all so someone else wouldn’t
have to feel the pain she did.
One of the many things I admired about her.
So, life hadn’t just happened.
She’d worked her ass off.
She’d saved lives.
And now, she was going to find time to relax. She’d damn well earned it.
But I was smart enough to keep that thought to myself.
“What’d Thad say to you?”
Autumn took a sip of her soda and it hit me how normal it felt sitting across from her eating dinner. The last time I’d shared a meal with a woman one-on-one it had been Juliana. I could still smell the pão de queijos as she pulled them from the oven. The cheesy rolls were my favorite and she made them often. Had I known that breakfast would’ve been our last, I would’ve savored it. I would’ve paid more attention to Violet in her high chair. I would’ve said more. I would’ve listened harder. I would’ve done a thousand things differently that morning.
“Declan?” Autumn called, pulling me from my musing. “Where’d you go?”
A month ago that question would’ve made my skin crawl. It also would’ve been met with silence, and I would’ve instantly retreated into my vault of secrets. But I couldn’t be that man anymore, not with Autumn. This was one of those times where I needed her to be strong, to let me get the pain out so we could move on.
“I was thinking about how much I liked grocery shopping with you. How something so normal felt good. How much I enjoyed listening to you talk when you were cooking, watching you move around your kitchen at ease, smiling. Then I started thinking about us sitting here sharing a meal, and that felt normal, too. And for people like us, who spend the majority of our time rolling in filth, normal feels really fucking great. But that thought led me to think about the last time I had a meal with a woman.”
I stopped to clear my throat and build the courage to give Autumn the rest. My gaze went to hers and it was met with gentle eyes and compassion. Not pity, just understanding. Fuck me, I liked that. No, I loved that she knew I didn’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. But she understood my heartache and didn’t judge me. Yeah, she could handle the rest.
“I was thinking about breakfast the morning of Violet’s birthday. Juliana made my favorite, pão de queijo. She’d set them on the table fresh out of the oven, then gave Violet more fruit and started to clean up while I ate. She wasn’t big on eating breakfast, but when I was home she always made me something and would sit drinking some smoothie she’d concocted. But that morning, she didn’t sit, she busied herself around the kitchen, nervous that she’d forgotten something for the party. I wish she would’ve sat. I wish we could’ve shared one more breakfast. I wish that I’d demanded we cancel Violet’s party. There’re so many things I’d change about that day, but I seriously wish she would’ve sat down.”
Autumn gave me a sad smile and asked, “Were you gone a lot?”
“Yeah. I was still with the CIA. I had assignments all over South America. That’s why we stayed in Brazil, Juliana’s family was there and she was close to them.”
“That’s good she had family close to help her while you were on assignment.”
A pang in my chest started and my hand automatically went to my chest to rub the knot.
“I feel guilty about being gone so much. I missed too much time with my daughter.”
I’d only had her for a year, and out of those three hundred and sixty-five days, I’d been gone a hundred and ninety-two. I’d missed over half her life, days I’d never get back. Hours I wished I had. Bedtimes, baths, tears, giggles, teething, smiles. I’d missed them. I’d left Juliana alone, sleepless nights taking care of a newborn, and she’d never complained once. She took my absence in stride and waited for my return.
“I think I’m jealous of the time Juliana had with Violet that I didn’t, and that fucks with my head. They’re gone and sometimes I think about all that Juliana had with Violet that I didn’t and jealousy takes over. What kind of dick does that make me?”
“That makes you a dad who loves his daughter, Declan, not a dick. Of course you’d think about that time. I’m not sure how to cushion this, honey, but if they were alive, you’d still want that time even if you knew you had a lifetime of days ahead of you. You’re a good dad, who didn’t want to miss a moment with his daughter but had to work. There’s no shame in providing for your family, no shame in wanting missed hours. That’s beautiful and you shouldn’t feel bad about wanting it.”
“Christ,” I mumbled, and rubbed my chest hard though I didn’t need to—Autumn had loosened the tight ball of guilt wound around my heart.
“Was Juliana a good cook? And what are pão de queijo?” Autumn asked, butchering the pronunciation.
I appreciated what she was trying to do though I was uncertain I wanted to continue the conversation.
“You don’t need to—”
“I know I don’t need to do anything. I asked because I want to know. I asked because they’re a part of you, and if you’re mine, I get them, too. If you’re not ready to give them to me, we’ll drop it. We’re letting it all hang out. Both of us. Fearless, honey, so when you’re ready, I’m here.”
After the soft blow that felt so damn good I could hardly breathe, Autumn went back to eating. And gave me exactly what I needed—a moment alone in my thoughts without her studying me. Was I ready to give her everything? Yes. Was I emotionally capable of doing it all in one day? Fuck no.
But I could give her a little more.
“Juliana was a disaster in the kitchen but pão de queijo is a Brazilian cheese bread. One of the few things she was good at making, but when I was home, I cooked. When I was gone, she either took Violet to her parents’ house and ate there or made herself something simple at home, normally cereal or a salad.”
“So you’re a good cook?” Autumn grinned. “That means you’re up next. That is, if you think you can beat my tacos.”
Fucking, fucking, hell.
There it was, that right there. Letting me talk about Juliana and Violet, letting me do it how I needed to do it. Sensing that was all I could give at the moment, she’d effortlessly moved us along.
Then I remembered a conversation I had with Max not too long ago when he was working out his shit with Eva, fighting hard not to fall for her and her sons. A battle he’d thankfully lost. But he’d pissed me off when he’d questioned me about Autumn. And the more I thought about what I’d said, the harder it hit me. I’d known all along I was in love with her. And by her simply changing the topic, taking us to light-hearted banter after the heavy I’d given her, made my heart ache again. Only, I didn’t rub the pain away, because there was no pain—only goodness.
She’s the only person who gets me. I don’t need to tell her shit because she just knows. Not the details, not the circumstances, but she knows my loss. She understands the demons that live inside of me because she has them, too. She doesn’t try to fix me or talk to me because she knows what’s broken will always be broken.
She now knew the details and the circumstances. She’d understood my demons. She didn’t try to fix me, though she was. And now I knew the one untruth of what I said—we wouldn’t always be broken. Together, we could be whole. Together we wouldn’t forget, but we didn’t have to hurt.
“Woman, next time I’ll cook and rock your world.”
Autumn’s lips twisted, then they curved up into a smile, and I swear to God, when she laughed it felt like the heavens had opened and an angel had touched my soul.
Fuck yeah, we needed to laugh more.
Chapter 27
My eyes popped open and it was dark. I had no idea what had woken me, but now I was wide awake. I could hear Declan’s slow, even breaths beside me.
After dinner, Dec cleaned up because my dad had called to check on me. The conversation wasn’t awkward but it wasn’t natural, either. There was still hesitation on both sides. It would be a long time before things went back to normal—if they ever did. But after he ascertained I was okay and with Declan, he inf
ormed me my mother had taken one look at Declan and declared him perfect for me.
My dad was still reserving his judgment, though he’d liked how protective Declan seemed to be. Neither man had gone into extreme detail about the meeting but my dad didn’t know the half of Declan’s protectiveness. Something I was surprised I liked. I’d been on my own for a long time. I was in charge of me in all ways, and if I was being honest, which I seemed to be doing a lot of these days, I liked sharing the load. I liked knowing Dec was there to take my back if I needed him.
Then my dad told me that he and my mom were staying in a hotel nearby and they were having breakfast with Thad and Emmy and of course there was an open invitation if Declan and I wanted to join them. As gently as I could, I declined. My dad didn’t push and Declan said not one word. He knew I needed to speak to my sister but I needed to do that in private and I still wasn’t ready. But I did agree to meet with them at some point the next day and Dad promised he’d explain things to Emmy so her feelings weren’t hurt.
Now I was lying in bed, Declan next to me, and I was staring at the ceiling. We were not touching. He was on his side, I was on mine, and it fucking sucked so bad I wanted to scream.
These sleeping arrangements were not discussed. We’d gotten into bed, Declan had given me a toe-curling kiss, this one not as gentle as the others he’d given me, but he’d definitely held himself back. I could feel the tension in his body, not to mention his hands shook as he cupped my face.
It sucked.
Not the kiss, the kiss was out of this world.
Declan holding back sucked, and what’s more, his sleeping away from me sucked huge.
But I didn’t know what to do.
I was debating getting up to find something to occupy my thoughts. I’d rather scrub toilets than endure the torture of having him so close, yet so far away it made me ache.
“You all right, babe?” Declan’s sleep-rough voice sent chills over me.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you,” I whispered into the dark.
“That’s not an answer, Autumn.”
Declan (Special Forces: Operation Alpha) (Gold Team Book 5) Page 17