Declan (Special Forces: Operation Alpha) (Gold Team Book 5)

by Riley Edwards

  “How they died isn’t important,” I told her. “What’s important is you know they existed. I was married. I met Juliana while I was on an assignment in Brazil, we fell in love, she got pregnant, and we got married. Then we had a beautiful daughter. And for exactly one year of my life, everything was perfect. I had everything a man could want, a pretty wife who was sweet and loving and I had my Violet. You deserve to know you had a niece, but more, my girl’s not a secret, she never should’ve been. I loved her, I loved them.

  “Juliana was a good woman. She wasn’t a mistake or something I’m ashamed of. But I couldn’t think about them without feeling like my insides were being torn apart. I have one thing left of her and I want you to have it.”

  I stood and kissed my nephew’s head, Jaxon let go of Violet and got to his feet, then reached a hand out to pull Vi up. Once I handed off Mason to his dad, I reached into my back pocket and took out my wallet.

  The picture was old and faded, worn from being handled over the years.

  My sister closed the distance and stood in front of me and took my offering. Her eyes drifted down and I heard her suck in a lungful of oxygen.

  I knew what she saw—my beautiful Violet.

  “I can’t—”

  “I have her in my heart. I have her in my memory. And I have her in my dreams. You keep that. My girl, your niece, your namesake.”

  My sister’s gaze lifted and hit mine. Unchecked tears streamed down her cheeks, and with each one, more pieces of my heart knitted back together.

  No more hiding.

  No more freezing out the people I cared about.

  “She looks like us. Like Mason. She’s beautiful, Dec.”

  I closed my eyes thinking she was right. My daughter was beautiful and I never should’ve kept her away from her aunt.

  “Something else I need to tell you. I’m sorry—”

  “You don’t.”

  “Sister, I do.”

  Violet rocked back and I wondered if I’d ever called her that to her face.

  Damn, I was a dick.

  “I love you. I should’ve told you a long time ago. I should’ve walked across that street and pulled you into my arms and told you who I was. I’ve made a million mistakes and I’m sorry. What you have to know is, from now on, no matter where I am, I’m not hiding. I’m not freezing anyone out. I’m not running.”

  “But you’re leaving,” she whispered.

  “I need you to trust me, Vi. I’m doing what I need to do to heal, to move on, to let go of the grief and find happiness.”

  “Autumn,” she said gently.

  “Autumn,” I confirmed.

  I looked to Jaxon and gave him a lift of my chin and he stepped closer to his wife.

  “Would it be alright if I gave you—”

  I didn’t let her finish, I tagged her hand and pulled her tight against me, and for the first time since as long as I could remember, I hugged my sister.

  Fuck, Jaxon had been right, years he’d been telling me my sister had magical powers.

  He was not wrong, but they weren’t magical, they were full of love. And the fuck of it was, I could have had this all along but I’d been too chickenshit to walk across the street.

  “I love you, Dec.”

  “I love you, too, sis.”

  “Promise you’ll keep in touch.”

  Violet, like her husband, was smart.

  “Yeah, sweetheart, I promise I’ll be in touch soon.”

  “I don’t want to let you go,” she said, and wrapped her arms around me tighter.

  Fucking, fucking, hell, that felt great.

  “When?” That was Zane’s greeting when I walked into his office.

  He’d just gotten back to headquarters after dealing with the Maloof situation and hadn’t even settled into his chair when I’d barged in.

  “Now.”

  “Fuck,” he hissed. “You need anything?”

  “Nope. Got everything I need.”

  Zane held my gaze a beat, his blue eyes flared, he dipped his chin, turned his back to me, and faced his floor-to-ceiling windows.

  I didn’t need to move closer to the window to know he was looking at the Naval Academy’s Chapel Dome. I’d been in his office enough to have memorized the view, but more, I knew Zane. When he had something on his mind he often stared out his window, gathering his thoughts.

  After my conversation with my sister, this felt easy, the knot of apprehension had faded, the pain had receded to a dull throb rather than a sharp bite. My shoulders felt lighter, my heart freer, and my soul was on the mend.

  Therefore, I didn’t brace, and when Zane turned back, I realized my mistake.

  “I’m gonna say this to you once. Don’t ever look back, brother. You keep you and your woman facing forward. You find a time you’re struggling to stay that course, you call me. You need something—anything, you call me. Don’t ever for one second feel guilt over what you’re doing.”

  “Thanks, Z. Means a lot.”

  “Good. Then promise me you’ll pick up the phone, you find yourself in a place where you need a swift kick in your ass.”

  “Promise.” I smiled.

  “Good, now get the fuck out of my office.”

  “The guys—”

  “I’ll handle it.”

  “’Preciate that.” Then I stood frozen, staring at a man who had taken me in when I had nothing. Offered me a job, friendship, a team, had given me purpose, and he did all of that while silently supporting me. “You can’t know what your friendship means to me. That offer goes both ways—you need me, you call. You wanna shoot the shit, you call. You have my loyalty until my dying breath, brother, I hope you know that.”

  “You gonna kiss me, too?” Zane snapped but he couldn’t hide the need to clear his throat.

  “See ya around, boss.”

  “Yeah, you will. Now, go, be happy and shit.”

  “Right.”

  I offered him my hand but he yanked me forward and gave me a one-armed embrace. Then he pounded my back. But before he broke away, in a very un-Zane-like tone, he mumbled, “Pleased as fuck for you, Declan.”

  Zane abruptly let me go and turned back to his window.

  I wasted no time leaving.

  I had a future to see to.

  Chapter 35

  It had been over an hour since Declan left. A long, silent, uncomfortable stretch of time in which I’d showered, made my bed, picked up clothes off the floor in the bedroom, putzed around in my kitchen, and did pretty much everything I could think of to avoid the living room where my sister sat.

  I didn’t know what to think about her being there. She hadn’t questioned Declan’s weird demand that she come to my house. All she’d done was agreed to stay until Declan returned, though he didn’t tell her how long he’d be. Then she sat down and didn’t try to engage me in any way.

  Fuck it.

  Fuck it all.

  It was time I pulled my big girl panties on, ripped the Band-Aid off, bit the bullet… I was still standing in my kitchen trying to think up more idioms when I realized I was procrastinating. This was because I was a chickenshit, scaredy-cat, lily-livered, coward.

  When I was a kid, I never understood the term lily-livered. My dad used it all the time to describe characters in movies who ran from the danger. Emerson wasn’t danger, she was pain, and I’d run from it so long I didn’t know how to face it. So, yes, I was a lily-livered character in a drama of my own making.

  Damn.

  I tossed the rag in the sink, wiped my hands on my jeans, and before I could think better of it, I stomped into my living room and stopped dead when Emerson’s eyes lifted and locked onto mine.

  It wasn’t the first time she’d made eye contact with me since she’d seen me in Guyana. She’d also looked right at me when I’d helped rescue her in Mexico, and when I’d witnessed her marrying Thad. But it was the first time I’d allowed myself to see her.

  Really see her.

  And what I
saw cut me to the bone. It made my heart bleed.

  “Ashaki Maloof fucked me over,” I blurted out.

  Emmy did a slow blink.

  “Do you know Natasha? The girl who was found in Alaska?”

  My sister nodded.

  “She fucked her over, too. But worse than what she did to me. Now that the guys have Natasha’s real name—it’s Sarah, by the way—once they start digging, they’re gonna find that it was Ashaki who was behind her being given to the human traffickers. Whether Ashaki bought her or kidnapped her, I don’t know. But her Grand Plan O’ Revenge was for Sarah to disappear into the bowels of the underworld where evil lives.”

  “What?” Emmy breathed.

  “And for the last nine years, I’ve trusted her. She took me under her wing and gave me a purpose when I felt like I had nothing. She helped me. I thought I could trust her and I did. I even defended her when the guys weren’t sure about her. And it turns out that everything was a big ol’ lie. She wasn’t out for justice, she was out for revenge.”

  Emerson carefully blanked her face and sat with her back straight, hands clutched tightly in her lap.

  “Just like we were,” she whispered.

  And I felt those words hit my chest with such force I actually took a step back.

  I could lie to myself, look in the mirror and tell myself I was on the righteous path, one that saved lives, but the truth was I hadn’t done it with a good heart. I hadn’t had pure intentions. I was out for my own brand of retribution.

  “You never should’ve—”

  I didn’t finish my thought because Emerson surged to her feet, lifted her hand, and angrily pointed her finger in my direction.

  “You do not get to tell me what I should’ve or shouldn’t have done. I will never fully understand what happened to you. I will never be in your shoes. I will never have to live with what you have to. But you don’t know what it’s like to be me. You will never understand what it’s like to see your sister, your best friend, someone you love deeply…” Emerson abruptly stopped, her face twisted in anger, and she spat, “Die. Only you weren’t dead and gone. You were a walking zombie. Every day, it festered inside of you and I watched it eat you. I watched it kill you. Then you were gone and all I felt was guilt because I was so relieved I didn’t have to witness my sister dying.” She ended on a shout and I was shocked into silence.

  “If you think I feel any remorse for what I’ve done, you’re wrong,” Emmy continued. “You think you were alone, lost, with no one? Well, guess what, sister, I was out there feeling that, too. So don’t tell me what I never should’ve done.”

  All right, well, okay. “You’re right, I don’t get to tell you that.”

  Emerson did a slow blink, then her shoulders relaxed a little.

  “Do I at least get to say I’m sorry?” I asked.

  “Absolutely not. You’ve done not a damn thing to apologize for.”

  “I pushed—”

  “No, Autumn, I pushed. I wanted you to heal on my clock. I wanted you to see me and suddenly everything would be all better. It was selfish. I’m sorry for that. But I hope you know I only did it because I love you.”

  “I know,” I muttered. “I’m never gonna be normal.”

  “Normal? What the hell does normal even mean? You’re alive, you’re breathing again, and that’s all that matters.”

  I was breathing again.

  “Is there any way we can put everything behind us and go from here?” I asked, and Emmy’s shoulders snapped back straight, and her eyes narrowed.

  “Do you really need to ask that?”

  Ten years ago, no, I wouldn’t have asked. Emmy and I would’ve just moved past an argument without discussion. But this wasn’t an argument—this was years of pain. My actions leading my sister down a path she never should’ve been on, her missing out on a life she should’ve had, including the man she loved.

  So, yes, I needed to ask. But I still gave her the answer she wanted.

  “No, I don’t need to ask.”

  Then we stood there on opposite sides of the room just staring at each other.

  It was bizarre.

  It was weird.

  It was fucking great.

  “I like your hair longer,” she told me and smiled.

  “I like yours lighter,” I returned.

  “I’m finishing up my teaching certification,” she continued.

  “That’s great. Primary education, still?”

  “Yep.”

  “You’ll be great at it.”

  “I’m pregnant.” Emmy’s face beamed and I returned her smile.

  “So I heard. Will I be getting a niece or nephew?”

  Then I watched in horror as a sob tore from Emerson.

  Shit.

  I moved across the room and the closer I got to her, the more panic welled.

  “What’s wrong?”

  My sister didn’t answer, she wrapped her arms around me, rested her chin on my shoulder, and squeezed the living hell out of me. I was seriously worried she’d broken a few ribs. Long moments passed and her body shook with emotion. Not meaning to, not knowing why I did it, I returned her hug just as fiercely, albeit I didn’t attempt to break bones. She was pregnant, after all.

  “What’s wrong, Emmy? Thad said the baby was okay.”

  “I wanted…I didn’t want…” she stuttered and blew out a long breath. “I’m excited. We’re excited. But when I found out, I wanted to share it with you so bad.”

  Fucking shit.

  “And with Mom and Dad.”

  Damn, I’d caused that rift, too.

  “Thank you for bringing them back to us.”

  “It was all Mom. You know her; when she gets her panties in a bunch about something, there’s no stopping her. She said she wanted her family back, she snapped her fingers at Dad, and bam, he hopped to.”

  “Don’t do that. If you hadn’t gone to see Dad, Mom wouldn’t have come. She was staying away until you gave the all-clear. In the beginning, we all did wrong, they were giving you what they thought you needed. And Dad told me what really happened to Stanley James.”

  Damn my dad. I really wished he wouldn’t have told her.

  “Emmy—”

  “We’re not talking about the past, I just thought you should know. We’re going forward.”

  She sounded like Declan.

  “Right. Forward.”

  “Mom and Dad are happy.”

  “I don’t know,” I gently told her. “When I was at Dad’s something seemed off. Mom didn’t say but it sounded like he was dodging her calls.”

  “He totally was. She wanted him to move back into the house. He was feeling funny about living there. You know, bad memories and stuff. I guess he panicked and didn’t know how to tell her. So he was avoiding her.”

  I was with my dad, I never wanted to step foot back into my childhood home.

  “How do you know all of this?”

  “Mom and Dad had it out in my backyard. Thad tried to pull me away, but I stood at the door and listened.”

  “You’re so nosy.”

  “Don’t hand me that crap. If you were there, you would’ve been at my side listening in.”

  She had me there. When we were kids, we’d sneak and listen when Mom and Dad were discussing what to buy us for our birthdays or Christmas. Then we’d giggle ourselves stupid thinking we were secret spies.

  “Fine. I would’ve listened, too. But they’re good now?”

  “Oh, yeah, Mom agreed to sell the house. They’re talking about finding someplace in Maryland.”

  Chills raced up my arms and my heart swelled. I loved that for them. For Emmy and the baby.

  Family. That’s what my sister needed.

  “So, you and Declan.” Emmy unwrapped herself from around me and leaned back. “When I first met him, he kinda scared me.”

  I could totally see that.

  “Do you want something to drink?” I belatedly asked.

  “No way,
you’re not getting out of telling me about you and Dec.”

  I’d forgotten this about Emmy, she was a total gossip. Not that she ever repeated the secrets she was told, but she liked to know all the juicy details.

  “I’ll tell you. But first, do you need something?”

  “I’m pregnant,” she snapped.

  “Congratulations. Do you need something?”

  “I mean, I’m pregnant, not ill. Don’t turn into Thad. He’s driving me crazy.”

  “Jesus, Emmy, I just asked if you needed something. A drink, are you hungry? I didn’t offer to hand feed you grapes while I grew five more arms so I could fan you and rub your feet.”

  Her eyes narrowed and she frowned. “Don’t be a smartass.”

  “Don’t be a pain in the ass.”

  “Fine. I’ll take water and I’m starving, so whatever you have to snack on would be great. Chips would be awesome, or if you have Goldfish.”

  “Sweet baby Jesus,” I huffed and stepped away. “And of course I have Goldfish. What kind of person doesn’t keep Goldfish in their house?”

  “I wouldn’t know.” Emmy shrugged. “A crazy one.”

  And right then it hit me, that was the first time I’d bickered with my sister in nearly a decade. Wet hit my eyes, and my lungs burned.

  “I missed you so much,” I rasped. “Every day, Emmy, I missed you.”

  And when my legs gave out, my big sister was right there to catch me.

  Chapter 36

  Having exchanged the company SUV with my truck, I pulled into Autumn’s driveway and shut the truck down. Then I sat there a moment thinking about what I was going to say. My eyes went to the front door and my concern grew.

  I’d forced Autumn to meet with Emerson.

  It was a dick thing to do but it was necessary.

  Autumn needed her sister and I was going to make sure she had everything she needed for the rest of her life.

  I’d spent a lot of years angry at the universe for the shit hand I’d been dealt.

  I’d spent years in the Marines learning what it meant to be a brother. All artifice had been stripped away, all pretense gone. We were simply Marines. Rich, poor, race, religion didn’t matter. You had one option—depend on the man next to you or perish. And suddenly it didn’t matter that I was an orphan because I was a Marine. I had brothers.