Enigma

by C. M. Lally

  “That’s the point,” Candy interrupts. “You remember the bad shit, so you learn the lesson and don’t repeat it.”

  “It needs to be less vivid in my mind. I don’t mind remembering it because it keeps me from repeating the mistake, but his words...they’re so colorful in my mind. It’s like they’re in Technicolor. You know, like the Wizard of Oz. Kansas was black and white, but Oz was greener— and really bright gold.” I set my plate down because I’ve completely lost my appetite. I pop the top of a margarita can and take a drink. “In my memories, our time at the cabin was black and white. I was in the moment, living it. I felt happy and wonderful. We were amazing together. Then he withdrew when we got back to the city, and the fight happened. Everything he’s said since being back is in Technicolor, and that’s what needs to be in black and white. The cabin should be vivid, but it’s not. Does that make any sense? It’s all ass backward.”

  “It makes sense to me. Memories are tricky little bastards. The stupidest things are triggers that make you go full-tilt into a crying vortex,” Angie says sadly. “Oh, we need to stop this. I say it’s his loss. You’re amazing. I know it. They know it. You should know it, and if you don’t, get on board with it.”

  “Here’s to strong women.

  May we shimmer and shine,

  May we bend but not break.

  May we love without limits,

  And forget our heartaches. Here here!” Candy says, holding up her margarita can and tapping it against ours.

  I grab everyone’s plates and take them into the kitchen, dropping them into hot, soapy water to soak.

  “So, what’s first? Hair or nails?”

  “Hair,” they all chant.

  We’ve all been through a few makeovers in our lives together. We know the timing, too well, it seems. Everyone knows what to do to get set up. Within minutes, boxes and bags are emptied, and we are ready to start.

  “Alright girls. I brought it. I know we got sick of it for a while, but it’s been a long time, and I’m putting it on to watch since beauty isn’t my expertise,” Angie declares. She whips out her Firestick and pops it into the back of the television. The movie ‘Beauty Shop’ starts playing, and we are quoting it and laughing like best friends do.

  I love these women. I’m blessed to have a support team that knows exactly how to pick me up when I’m down.

  Forty-five minutes later, my hair is neutralizing so Angie and I rotate seats.

  Candy leans in close surveying the state of my nails, “So, have you thought more about my offer?”

  “Yes. It’s all I’ve been thinking about these past two weeks. You have perfect timing, but are you sure you want a stranger living in your grandparents home?”

  “You’re not a stranger. I know you’ll take good care of it. I trust you.”

  “Thank you. That means more to me, especially now, than you’ll ever know. I’m waiting to see if I can get out of this lease before I give you my final answer. The agent keeps saying ‘they have great potential’ about everyone he shows the apartment too, but I don’t have a final answer yet. The whole process is driving me crazy. I want out so the starting anew can begin.”

  “The new YOU has already begun, not that you needed a new you, but I hear you. Every now again we need to shed the old skin, the old attitude, or whatever it is that’s weighing us down. Like Angie said, you are an amazing woman. Just don’t feel that you need to change everything because some man didn’t want you. The right one will come along.”

  She’s right, but I miss him. I miss our training sessions and strategy talks afterward. I miss how he made me feel stronger and better. I know I can live without him. I’ve been doing that my whole life, but I don’t want to.

  “Would you ever consider getting back together with Dave, the pilot? He made you so happy.”

  “He did,” she stops pushing back my cuticles and sighs, “but no. It isn’t meant to be. I want someone who’s going to be home every night. Someone to share my life with, and pull be off the ledge if I need it. Brad was an adventure because every time he appeared, it was like starting a new relationship— over and over again. I worried too much about who else he was having that same moment with, in another city. That’s not how a relationship is supposed to feel. He was funny, charming, and such a great kisser, but I didn’t trust him. So no.”

  Trust. There’s that word again. “Why do you trust me?”

  She looks up at me; her eyebrows are knitted with confusion. “What?”

  “You said earlier that you trust me. Why? How? What did I do to earn your trust?” Tears well up in my eyes. I’m not sure I want to hear the answer.

  She puts both of my hands back down into the soaking bowls, and sits back in her chair to think.

  “Well, for starters, we’ve been friends a very long time. We’ve gotten in enough trouble together for me to doubt you would leave me hanging. Plus, you’ve always stuck around to admit your part in the trouble-making when you didn’t have to,” Candy winks at me. “I know you’ve always got my back.”

  “Exactly. You always support us,” Leanne agrees. “I’ve seen you whip out my business card before I even thought to grab one myself, and I love you for that. Knowing you trust me with how your hair looks, means I will automatically trust you back. After all this time and the many crazy things I’ve asked to do to your hair so I could “try” it, says a lot about your character.”

  “Jade, what we’re all trying to say is that you’re loyal and true, you’re kind and generous, and you’re completely trustworthy. If someone doesn’t trust you, that’s on them. They’re the one with the issue. You need to keep being you, and hopefully, they will come to see what we already know. You’re worth the time and effort to get to know and have as a friend.”

  I wipe away the tear that is about to drop from the corner of my eye. “Awww. I love you girls. You are my tribe. Thanks for putting in the time and effort. I appreciate it.”

  “So, what do you think?” Candy asks as she finishes gliding the topcoat over the light beige she chose. “Beige is professional. We can kick it up a notch or two in color once you get hired.”

  I hold my nails up to the light for inspection. They’re perfect. Smooth like glass without any streaks. This is why she’s the best in the city. “Muah, darling. Perfect as always!” The smile she returns is a complete reflection of our friendship.

  “Go sit with Leanne, and I’ll bring the nail dryers over to you.”

  I plop down in the chair and lean into the sink as Leanne begins the finishing touches of my new hair color.

  She massages my scalp to rinse the excess color away, and I get lost in my own thoughts.

  That’s what I did wrong—I ran like a weak wimpling, and I shouldn’t have. He doesn’t know me well enough to trust me. All he knows is that I use questionable moves that could get me disqualified, I whine and pout when I have to repeat things, I use sarcasm in my arguments, and I run when times get tough.

  He’s right. I am chaos and I wouldn’t trust me either. I don’t need saving though; I’m not a damsel in distress. I can; however, fine-tune the new me in a manner so to speak.

  Hiding time is over.

  Chapter Twenty-Five - Kol

  SHE’S BEEN BACK THREE weeks, and I can’t bring myself to ask about her. Liam was all too happy to inform me of her return. Gloating over it smugly like I ran her away.

  She chose to stay away.

  A few more women have joined the gym, all thanks to the new Rebel marketing and recruitment team Liam put into place. I don’t mind the women being around. They seem to be here with a purpose and don’t cause any distractions.

  He also found Jade a new trainer; an up and coming ‘in demand’ trainer, a former fighter in the UFC arenas. He and Lou agreed to the arrangement, as long as Lou supervises. An agreement I was not told about until I saw him and Liam reviewing some tape of their grappling sessions.

  “Hey Liam,” I quickly tap on the office door before pushi
ng it open. “Have you seen Lou?” There he is. He’s got the TV remote in his hand, and it’s on pause. That looks like Jade on the screen.

  “You found me. What’s up?”

  “I wanted to remind you that I’ll pick you up here around 3:00 this afternoon so we can make it to the cabin around dinnertime. Alright?”

  “Yeah, I’ll be ready. See ya then.” He rolls the remote in his hand like he’s itching to click play again. They’re both staring at me, pushing me to leave with their eyes and awkward silence.

  “Is that Jade?” I point to the television.

  “Yes, it is. If that’s all you wanted, we need to get back to watching her tape. She’s due in here in an hour.” Lou presses play, and they both turn their back to me and focus on the screen.

  “Look at that. Just look, Lou. Perfect. She executed that beautifully,” Liam claps his hands to praise her.

  “Grappling isn’t her problem. Jade needs to work on her boxing skills, throwing and blocking punches. She’s weak there,” I add in. They both swing their heads and look at me.

  “I thought you were leaving?” Lou grunts.

  “And I thought you weren’t training her?” I snap back.

  “I’m not. I’m supervising her training, and keeping the new trainer on task.”

  “New trainer?”

  “Yeah, we need to make sure she knows what she’s doing,” Liam replies. “So, what are you doing? I thought you didn’t want anything to do with her?”

  “Just because I don’t want to train with her anymore, and might I add that you two forced that situation on me, doesn’t mean I don’t care about her career. She has potential. Anyone can see that. Since she is joining the Rebel Nation pool of fighters, we each need to support and follow the others’ careers as a team.”

  “I’m glad to hear you say that, and yes, she is joining the Rebel Nation team. Her first fight is next month.”

  “Isn’t that a little too soon, especially since she took a month off?”

  “Ahh, so he DID notice,” Liam remarks, shaking his head in amazement. “She kept up with her training over at Limitless Martial Arts. She’s stronger and more fierce after the heartbreak, so thank you for that. It’s pushed her to a level I’m not sure she would have achieved without it.”

  I start laughing. Uncontrollably laughing, to the point where I need to sit or fall down. “I didn’t break her heart.” Both men’s mouths gape open in astonishment. Lou frowns at me, and presses play on the remote, turning his attention back to the television screen. “You guys are funny. Lou, I’ll pick you up at 3:00 pm.” He nods his head and gestures with his hand toward the door, not looking at me.

  There is no way I broke her heart because she...broke...mine.

  I shared things with her that no one knows. Intimate details about how I met Lou and the night I killed someone in a fight. We had long talks about being a foster child. I could finally be myself around someone— without walls, without having to choose my words, and without hiding my face when tears welled up in my eyes.

  It felt good. It felt right.

  I was on the brink of telling her I loved her, but didn’t want to be so quick about it. I bit back the words more than I can count. I had just begun to start unraveling the many layers of Jade Cantor. Was it love?

  She would have second-guessed my feelings even if it I had told her with the way things worked out.

  She kept pressing me for a declaration, but I didn’t want to lie to her. I wasn’t sure. I needed more time. Fuck.

  I care for her. I still do. I’ve never been more close to anyone than her. I don’t believe you fall in love that quickly. It doesn’t last like that. It’s lust, not love. I want to love her. She’s mine.

  Or was mine.

  Shit. She’ll never be mine now.

  Damn it. I want to take back those words. “She was pure chaos, and I couldn’t trust her.” Why did I say that?

  I do trust her. I was mad. I was a wreck over the fight and Lou and worried his recovery was temporary. I wanted him to take it easy and slow down. The words were coming out of my mouth faster than I could think about them pounding in my brain.

  I’ve really fucked this up.

  I unlock my bike and ride out of the gym, pedaling hard and fast across the parking lot only to be stopped by the light turning red. Steady traffic flows as I wait for a break in the cars to take off.

  I look up at her apartment and see the curtains are missing. Those damn curtains that hide her from me. I don’t know when they went up, but I know they never opened, at least that I saw, once they were hung. They were a well-constructed brick wall between us.

  The light changes and I roll up to the front door of her apartment building. I go to press the buzzer for 5F but pull my finger back. The ‘Cantor’ sticker is missing from the buzzer, and has been replaced with ‘Murial.’ I scan the other names, but no Cantor. She’s moved.

  Damn it.

  A melancholy mood washes over me. I pedal away from the front door feeling like I’ve lost something. Something big. Something that isn’t recoverable. It’s too late, and it’s all my fault.

  My fingers grip the handles, becoming angrier with myself.

  I PULL INTO THE PARKING lot of Rebel’s Gym and stop next to where Lou is waiting patiently. His duffel bag is setting on the ground while he flips through his phone. I pop the trunk, and he bends down to grab the handles. He’s not in any hurry, and neither am I.

  The trunk shuts, and he slides into the passenger seat in silence. He doesn’t want to talk, and neither do I. Good; it fits my mood.

  We drive for an hour in silence, completely lost in our own thoughts. I don’t even remember stopping at the many lights before the highway entrance or turning onto the highway until I hear an ambulance on the road behind me jarring me from my thoughts. I slow down to a crawl for it to pass with ease. I look over at Lou, and his head is leaned back with his baseball cap on backward. The bill is covering his eyes while a slight snore escapes his open lips.

  I called and spoke with Miss Crawford yesterday to let her know we were coming. She said she’d make us some dinner and leave it in the oven for our arrival. I hope it’s her vegetable lasagne.

  She asked how Lou was doing, and I gave her the full story of everything that has happened since I last saw her. We came to the agreement that he is going to start relaxing on the weekends whether he likes it or not.

  With Jade’s first fight coming up in a few weeks, her training and his “supervision” is going to ramp up. I wish I could talk him out of it, but he’s determined to see this promise through. He’s going to need all the rest he can get. We’re both prepared to make sure that happens.

  In the meantime, I informed her that I’m going to take a look at her roof, re-caulk her windows, oil those rusty door hinges, and power-wash that siding. It’s got some kind of mold growing on it that can’t be good. She can sit and chat with Lou to keep him company and stress-free. At some point, we’ll squeeze in some fishing from the pier.

  The Pier. The one where Jade and I raced each other and that little vixen won. We made so many good memories in those three days...I can’t think about them now.

  I pull into the market and buy some water, juice, and a few other food items to hold us over for the weekend. Shit. Other memories come flooding back of Jade and I walking these same aisles for groceries. She’d pick up cookies and try to smell the chocolate through the package. I’d pick up the large canned goods and lift weights with them. We laughed the entire time we shopped.

  I need to get out of here and maneuver through the store avoiding those aisles.

  We arrive at the cabin after 5:00 pm to the smell of something tangy bubbling in the oven. I drop our bags and inhale deeply. The windows are open with the salty, ocean breeze blowing through the large room, but my stomach growls with the strong smell of garlic and tomatoes. Miss Crawford pulls the casserole from the oven to rest and walks to me with open arms.

  “Kol, it
’s so nice to see you again,” she says squeezing my cheeks as I engulf her in a firm hug.

  “Miss Crawford. It’s great to be here, and I’m especially happy to fix a few more things on that house of yours.”

  “You’re so good to me.” She turns to Lou and smiles, holding open her arms to hug him too. “Lou. How are you feeling?”

  “Eugenia, I’m good. Now, don’t go fussing over me. I’m not dying anytime soon.” He steps away from her, grabbing his bag and dropping it at the bottom of the stairs to take up later.

  “Well. Humph. No hug for you then.” She frowns, annoyed with him acting like an old codger. “The lasagne needs to rest for a few more minutes. The bread is warming now. It should be ready in about ten minutes. I’ll let you get settled in and eat.” She feels for her keys in her apron pocket and grabs a canvas bag from the kitchen table, folding it up and stuffing it into her other apron pocket.

  “Whoa, whoa. Where are you going? I thought you’d eat with us.” I give her my puppy dog eyes. “Please, Miss Crawford?”

  “No, Kol, but thank you. I’ve already eaten, and besides, the sun will go down in a little bit here. When it goes down, so do I.”

  “Alright. I’m not going to argue with you, but you’re more than welcome to stay.”

  “Y’all go ahead and get settled to eat. I’m sure I’ll see you bright and early tomorrow morning.” She hugs me again, waves at Lou, and heads out the door.

  I stare at him, bulging my eyes before narrowing them at him in disgust. I quickly go to the porch to offer to walk her home. I know it’s around the corner, but I’d feel better if she was escorted. Too late. She’s already halfway up the lane. I turn and throw my hands up in the air.

  “Did you have to be so rude to her?” I walk to the kitchen and start putting the groceries in the fridge.

  “No more rude than you were to Jade. Isn’t that how we treat women nowadays? Heartlessly?”

  “Seriously? That’s what’s bugging you.” I pull plates and glasses out of the cabinet and set them on the table. The silverware drawer sticks when I pull on it, but I grab what I need and drop it all onto the plates, making an awful, clattering noise. “I know you don’t think that. You’re trying to teach me a lesson, but Jade and I are complicated.”