Shelter from the Storm

by Patricia Davids

  She had become the most important person in his life. Was he in love with her? He wanted her to be happy. To smile and laugh and bicker with him the way she had when he gave her a tour of his home. Maybe he was being impatient. Maybe time was all she needed.

  Remembering his vow to love and cherish his wife gave him solace. She needed her family and her baby now. Once life returned to normal, he and Gemma would have a lifetime to grow close once more. He longed to hear her say she loved him, but he was the one who had insisted love wasn’t necessary in their marriage. He would wait until Hope was home and thriving before he asked Gemma for something she might not be able to give him. Her love.

  On the following Monday, they all returned to New Covenant, leaving Hope in the skilled and kind hands of the NICU staff. Jesse needed to return to work. He faced rapidly mounting medical bills.

  Gemma fought back tears as she left her baby. She barely spoke on the ride home, and he knew she was missing her baby. On Tuesday she seemed better, but he could tell she was still depressed. They were both staying with her parents as was the custom for Amish newlyweds, but he had his own room. Gemma needed all the rest she could get. Her mother made sure she got it. He was glad for the added help in keeping Gemma’s mind occupied while he was at work.

  On Wednesday morning, Dinah caught him in the hall before Gemma was up. “I’m going to suggest a shopping trip to Gemma today. I want you to support the idea.”

  Did his wife enjoy shopping? He didn’t know. The dwindling balance in his bank account gave him pause but if it helped Gemma, he wouldn’t refuse. “A goot idea. Would you like me to take you?”

  “I’ll have Michael drive us. He mentioned he needed to go into town today and he has the patience needed to wait in the buggy while I’m in a store.”

  Jesse grinned. “Is this something I should cultivate?”

  “Most definitely. We’re going shopping for baby clothes and essentials. Gemma needs a gentle reminder that Hope will be home soon. She needs to concentrate on the future instead of bemoaning the fact that she doesn’t have her child with her now.”

  “You’ve been a blessing to me, Dinah.” Much more than his own mother, who hadn’t come to the wedding or even acknowledged it.

  “My sohn, you have been a blessing to me. More than you will know until you become a grossdaadi. When I looked upon the face of my grandchild, I knew it was God’s way of giving me a glimpse into the joy that awaits me when I am called to my final home.”

  “I pray that is many years away.” He folded his arms across his chest and stared at the floor as he framed his next question. “Does it bother you that I am not Hope’s true father?”

  When Dinah didn’t answer, he looked up. She was smiling. She patted his cheek. “I forgot that. Nee, it bothers me not one bit. This is the last time we will think upon it, ja?”

  “Ja,” he agreed as his heart grew light. “Have fun shopping and bring a smile to Gemma’s face if you can.”

  When his wife and Dinah left, he stopped by Bethany’s and asked her to come with him to see Anna. When they were gathered around Anna’s kitchen table, he sat forward in his chair and glanced between Anna and Bethany. “Have you noticed anything different about Gemma? Something that’s not quite right?”

  The two women exchanged speaking looks. Bethany nodded. “We have.”

  Anna laid her hands on the table. “Subdued is perhaps the word.”

  “Do either of you know what’s going on?” he asked.

  “Baby blues? She is going through a difficult time. You both are,” Anna said quietly.

  He nodded. “The midwife mentioned I should let her know if Gemma seems depressed. Maybe it is just the blues.” That would get better with time.

  “Have you told Gemma that you love her?” Bethany asked.

  He shifted uncomfortably in his chair. “Not in so many words. I care for her and she knows that.”

  Bethany stabbed a finger in the air toward him. “You care for her. She loves you.”

  He sat up to stare at her. “Has she said this?”

  Bethany relaxed her attitude. “Not in so many words, but I know my friend.”

  He glanced between the two women. “Why wouldn’t she tell me how she felt?”

  “Because yours wasn’t a love match in the beginning, and you don’t think love is necessary for a good marriage. Isn’t that what you told her?”

  “I admit I might not have known what I was talking about when I said it.”

  Anna nodded. “That’s a smart answer. Remember, Gemma may be dealing with a lot of guilt too. I’ve read that mothers of premature babies often feel they are to blame for the early births. You saved Gemma’s life in the storm. You married her to give her babe a name. You took Hope into your heart like she was your own. Gemma may not feel worthy of your affections.”

  He blew out a slow breath. “What do I do?”

  The two women exchanged glances. Anna gave a slight shake of her head.

  “What? Tell me,” he insisted.

  “Gemma married and became a mother all in one day,” Bethany said. “She never had a chance to enjoy being alone with you. Her marriage was more of a contract than a courtship, and every woman wants to be courted, to be made to feel special by the man she adores. I’m not saying start a courtship now. You both have a lot on your plates, but when the time is right, you should set out to make her feel special.”

  “I have my work cut out for me, don’t I?”

  Bethany patted his hand. “I think you are up to the challenge.”

  Was courting his wife what he had to do to earn her love? He would try anything to regain their easy friendship and then let her know how much she had come to mean to him.

  * * *

  On her way back from their shopping trip, Gemma stopped off to see Bethany while Michael took her mother home. Bethany was scrubbing out her sink. Her bright smile lifted Gemma’s spirits.

  Gemma placed her packages on the table. “You have to see the cute clothes I found for Hope. It’s hard to find preemie clothes. We had to go all over. I bought some material to make her a few outfits too. I know she’ll outgrow them quickly.”

  “Did you enjoy yourself?” Bethany dried her hands on her apron.

  Gemma thought about it for a second. “I did.”

  Bethany shook a finger at her. “I’m glad you’re getting back to your old self. We were worried.”

  “I didn’t realize I was worrying people. Who is we?”

  “Your husband stopped in to ask Anna and me if we knew what was wrong with you.”

  Gemma spread out the first tiny pink dress. That Jesse was worried enough to seek the council of her friends surprised her. “I guess I’ve been worried about Hope. So many things could go wrong. She’s so tiny.”

  “Is that all?”

  “What else could it be?”

  “That you are unhappily married?”

  Gemma looked at her friend. “Don’t think that. Jesse is a wonderful father, but...”

  Bethany’s eyes were full of sympathy. “But what?”

  “He doesn’t love me.” Gemma shrugged. “That’s the way things are and I have to accept that.”

  “My observation is that Jesse cares a lot about you. He wasn’t faking that happy smile at his wedding.”

  “Maybe he had more things to smile about than getting married.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “Never mind.”

  Gemma was too embarrassed to share what she suspected. Her father had practically sold her to Jesse. Was she worth eighty acres in Jesse’s mind? At least something good had come out of their marriage for him. She managed a smile for her friend. “I’m going to make a few dresses for Hope out of this material. Do you like it?”

  On her way home from her visit, Gemma stopped at the phone sh
anty and placed a call to the NICU. She was happy when Jill came on the line. “How is Hope today?”

  “She’s okay, except for a stuffy nose.”

  “Did she gain weight?”

  “Let me look... No, her weight stayed the same.”

  “But she has been gaining every day.” Concern inched its way into Gemma’s mind. “Is it something serious?”

  “Having a baby in an NICU is like riding a roller coaster. There are ups and downs. It’s normal. Are you still planning on being here this weekend?”

  “We are, and I’m going to stay until Hope is released.” She wasn’t going to be hours away if something did go wrong.

  “That’s good news. Hope will be happy to have her mommy here. Is Jesse staying too?”

  “Ah, no. He has to work.”

  “Still, he’ll feel better knowing you are with your daughter.”

  Gemma hoped that would be the case.

  That evening she was packing her suitcase when Jesse came up to her room at her parents’ home after work. She added some of the outfits she and her mother had purchased and the few she had sewn.

  Jesse grinned. “She can’t wear that many clothes in a weekend.”

  “I’m taking enough along for a month.”

  He looked puzzled. “For a month?”

  She closed the top of her suitcase. “I’m going to stay there until she is ready to come home.”

  “I can understand why you want to do it.”

  “Bethany said you were worried because I have been depressed. I’m fine now. Oh, wait, I know how much you hate that word. I am feeling much less sad, and I’m eager to learn how to take care of my daughter. We can call each other every day.”

  She raised her chin, daring him to refuse to let her go. “I am going, and it doesn’t matter what you say. You told me you admire people who speak the truth.”

  “I do. I will miss you.”

  It was nice to hear, but was it the truth? She picked up her nightgown and added it to the suitcase. “I will miss you too.”

  “Are you sure you want to do this?”

  “What’s the harm? If I get homesick, I’ll come home.”

  “Then you should do what you need to do. I’ll pack my things for this weekend and call for a ride.”

  * * *

  Gemma’s plan to stay with Hope for the next month or more surprised him. It would be good for both mother and babe; it made sense, but how would he and Gemma improve their relationship with so much physical distance between them? One phone call a day wasn’t going to be enough. He wanted Gemma near him. He needed her. If only she believed that he had married her because he cared for her and not to gain land. How could he convince her?

  On their arrival in the NICU in Bangor that evening, they were greeted with the distressing news that Hope’s cold had worsened. Jill met them with a sober face. “We have had to move her into the isolation room. She has RSV. It’s a viral infection that would be a cold for you or me but in premature babies, it can be very serious.”

  A chill ran through Jesse’s body. Hope had come so far, but she was still so tiny. She didn’t deserve a setback.

  “Can we see her?” Gemma asked.

  “Of course, but you will have to put on a gown, gloves and a mask.” Jill led the way and Jesse followed, holding Gemma’s hand. He knew by her grip that she was as worried as he was.

  Hope was crying pitifully when they entered the special room designed to keep any contamination from spreading to the other babies. Gemma immediately went to soothe Hope and lift her out of her crib. The baby quieted, but she was still breathing hard. Her rib cage sank in as she struggled with each breath. Gemma gave Jesse a fear-filled look. It mirrored the dread in his heart.

  Throughout the next two days, Jesse and Gemma held their daughter almost continuously. Being upright made the baby’s breathing easier. She didn’t fuss as much when she received her breathing treatments if someone was holding her. Jesse’s heart broke each time she looked at him with her sad tired eyes. When the time came for him to leave, he sat holding Hope while Gemma was washing her hands.

  After putting on her gloves, she stood aside. Jesse got out of the rocker and gently transferred Hope into Gemma’s arms. She said, “Come here, my precious bobbli.”

  He dropped to one knee beside the chair and laid a hand on Hope’s soft hair. “I can’t leave, Gemma. She’s not getting better. I’m worried about you too. You won’t get enough rest if I’m not here to spell you.”

  “As much as you dislike the word fine, that’s what I am today. Fine. My incision has healed. I’m getting stronger every day. I’m fine.”

  “That may be, but I’m not fine leaving you here alone. Marriage is a partnership. We will get through this together.” He dropped a kiss on Hope’s head.

  “You love her, don’t you, Jesse?” Gemma asked quietly.

  “More than I ever thought possible. But you know how I feel, don’t you?” He gazed into Gemma’s eyes intently.

  “I do. It’s amazing—isn’t it?—how much space someone so small can take up in your heart.”

  “And how much space is left over for the other people we love.” He grew serious. Was now the time to tell her how he felt? “Gemma, I—”

  One of Hope’s alarms began ringing. Jesse looked at her monitor. He had learned the meaning of all the numbers and waving lines during Hope’s first week in the unit. Most of the time, it was simply a false alarm that a wiggling baby could generate just by moving.

  The monitor was over Gemma’s head. She couldn’t see the numbers. “What is it?”

  “Her oxygen level is too low.”

  “Check to see if the lead is loose.”

  He did. It was secure. He could see the baby’s lips turning blue as her numbers fell. Before he could call out, several nurses rushed to the bedside. One of them scooped Hope out of Gemma’s arms and laid her in her crib. A few seconds later, a doctor hurried in. He listened to Hope with his stethoscope and scowled. “Call respiratory care. Have a ventilator brought in. We are going to intubate. Mom and Dad, I’m afraid you are going to have to step out.”

  “What’s wrong?” Gemma demanded as Jesse helped her to her feet.

  The doctor covered Hope’s face with an oxygen mask. “We’re going get an X-ray to be sure, but it sounds like her RSV has progressed to pneumonia. She’s going to need help breathing.”

  A nurse touched Jesse’s arm. “Please come with me. We’ll take good care of her and let you come back in when we’re done.”

  Jesse drew Gemma away with an arm across her shoulders. Outside the unit, the nurse indicated a waiting room. It was empty at the moment. Gemma turned her face into Jesse’s chest and burst into sobs. He wrapped his arms tightly around her. “It’s going to be okay. She’s a strong girl.”

  Was he trying to reassure Gemma or himself? What was going on? How long before someone came to tell them something? He heard Gemma muttering prayers under her breath. He closed his eyes and prayed harder than he had ever prayed in his life.

  * * *

  After ten minutes of uncertainty, Jesse coaxed Gemma to sit down on the red sofa against the wall. There was a television playing in the corner, but Gemma ignored it. She dried her eyes and stared at the door. “I wish someone would tell us what’s going on.”

  She heard the hum of a motor growing closer. The portable X-ray machine came down the hall, guided by a young woman. She pushed a button on the wall and went into the unit when the doors opened.

  Jesse strode out into the hall to gaze into the unit until the doors swung shut again. He came back into the waiting room.

  She looked at him hopefully. “Did you see anything?”

  “Just a group of people around her bed.” He sat beside Gemma. She wanted to be back in his embrace but didn’t know how to ask.

  S
he noticed his hands were clenched into tight fists. She laid her palm on one.

  “I want to fight this battle for her too.”

  He leaned forward with his elbows on his knees and covered his face with his hands. A ragged sob broke free. Gemma threw her arms around him. If she needed comfort, he needed it too. “Don’t cry, darling.”

  She drew his head to her shoulder. He wrapped his arms around her as his body shook with silent sobs.

  “I can’t—can’t do anything for her. What good are hands as big as hams if they can’t hold back the suffering she has to endure?”

  They held on to each other through the longest hour Gemma had ever known until the unit doors finally opened again.

  The doctor stood in the doorway with a faint smile on his lips. “She is on a breathing machine and resting much easier now that the vent can do some of the work. The X-ray does show pneumonia in her right lower lung. We’ve started medication to help clear it, but I think she’s going to be fine.”

  “Can we come in?” Jesse asked, wiping his eyes.

  “Give the nurses another ten minutes to get things cleaned up. I don’t recommend you hold her today. Let her rest after this. If she is doing okay tomorrow, I think it will be fine.”

  “Danki,” Gemma said.

  The doctor nodded once and went back into the unit.

  Gemma and Jesse stared at each other. Her relief was so profound she didn’t know what to say.

  He reached out and cupped her cheek. “I love you, Gemma. I think I’ve loved you since the day at the cabin when you knocked the cattail roots out of my hands and scolded me for getting frostbite.”

  She smiled softly. How could she have doubted this man? “I love you too.”

  They moved into each other’s arms. Jesse kissed her forehead and held her tight. “I never want to let you go.”