Conversationally Speaking
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To my parents
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
To the teachers, colleagues, and friends who have enriched both this book and my life:
Gary Goldstein, Jack Curtis, Joanne Dolinar, and Elisabeth Jakab, my editors
Dean George Blanc and Kris Lauderdale, Orange Coast College
Dean John Wordes, Golden West College
Dr. Dominic LaRusso, University of Oregon
Dr. Frank Oomkes, University of Wageningen
Dr. Gerald Kranzler, University of Oregon
Dr. Gerald Phillips, Pennsylvania State University
Dr. Jules Zentner, UCLA
Dr. Manuel Selya,
Dr. Doris McCoy, and Ken Zugman, M.S.W.
Dr. Susan Glaser and Dr. Peter Glaser, University of Oregon
Dr. Waldo Phelps, UCLA
Elly, Dan, Mr. Aaron, and Sarah Wolf
George Manning, Allan Pease, and Fleming Mølback
Herb Dreyer, PJ Dempsey, and Nancy Sullivan
Jack and Myra Moskowitz
Jim and Sweety Nelson and Phillis Volpe
Joel, David, Michael, and Ellen Moskowitz
Mary Jane, Sandy Tompkins, and Lynn Glaser Sarah, Irwin, Roz, and Leanna Wolfe
Steve Farmer, MSW, and Nicole and Catherine Farmer
Dr. Doris McCoy
Merrill Kaplan
Thank You.
Alan Garner
CONTENTS
Introduction to the Third Edition
ONE
Asking Questions That Promote Conversation
TWO
Delivering Honest Positives
THREE
Listening So Others Will Talk
FOUR
Taking Advantage of Free Information
FIVE
Letting Others Know Who You Are
SIX
Starting Conversations
SEVEN
Issuing Invitations That Are Likely to Be Accepted
EIGHT
Handling Criticism Constructively
NINE
Resisting Attempts at Manipulation
TEN
Requesting Change
ELEVEN
Conveying Meaning by Motion
TWELVE
Reducing Anxiety in Social Situations
THIRTEEN
Organizing Your Efforts
The Beginning
Notes
Selected References
Index
* * *
Introduction to the Third Edition
Conversationally Speaking has become the most popular book in the world for teaching conversation skills. I have been helping people learn these skills for twenty years, and I’m always delighted to see the big, positive changes that these skills make in their lives.
Most people think that some of us are born with the “gift of gab” and some of us aren’t. But the truth is that there is no “gift of gab.” People who are good at conversation just know a few simple skills that anyone can learn.
These skills are like tools. Imagine trying to hammer a nail—with a screwdriver. Or cutting wood—with a shovel. Very difficult. It would take you five times as long, and you’d still end up doing a bad job. A screwdriver and a shovel simply aren’t the right tools. But, with the right tools—a hammer and a saw—you could do these jobs well and with very little effort.
The same is true for conversational tools and skills. You do the best you can with what skills you have, but the skills you have often aren’t right for the job. Consequently, you don’t do nearly as well socially as you might.
Researchers in the fields of communication and psychology have identified several specific skills vital for social effectiveness. Further, they have found that these skills can be learned in a relatively short time. Unfortunately, these research findings have appeared, for the most part, only in academic journals, and the skills involved are taught at only a handful of universities.
I developed the Conversationally Speaking workshop and have written this book to fill in this gap and teach these skills in an interesting, straightforward, and nontechnical manner. The success of my efforts has far exceeded my expectations. Over 50,000 students have taken my workshop, and the public and professional response to this book has been continuous and growing. Further, the skills I’m about to share with you have turned out to be just as valid in other languages—foreign editions with exotic-sounding titles like Samtaleteknik and Praten met plezier have become popular throughout the world.
One note of caution before we begin: Just as reading a book about skiing won’t, by itself, make you a more skillful skier and reading a book about bodybuilding
won’t, by itself, improve your muscle tone, so simply reading this book won’t do much for your social skills. Improving your social skills will take both reading and lots of consistent, dedicated practice. Read no more than one chapter per sitting, and begin using each skill immediately after you learn it. The last chapter will provide you with a workable way to structure your efforts, should you require it.
I’ve enjoyed writing this book, and I think you’ll be excited to see how learning a few simple skills can produce big improvements in your social life.
CHAPTER ONE
Asking Questions That Promote Conversation
Scott,* a 52-year-old construction contractor, reporting on his efforts to talk to his neighbors:
I tried, I really did. I asked them a question and didn’t get much of an answer. So I asked another. And then another. After a while, I felt like I was an FBI agent interrogating suspects rather than a man trying to make pleasant conversation with the people next door.
Lisa, a 22-year-old saleswoman, conversing with me prior to a workshop:
LISA: How long have you been teaching this class?
ALAN: Oh, about ten years.
LISA: Do you teach it often?
ALAN: Yes.
LISA: Do you teach anything else?
ALAN: Yes, I teach Speech at National University.
LISA: Where’s that?
ALAN: In San Diego.
LISA: Where did you get your education?
ALAN: UCLA, and I went to Oregon for graduate school.
LISA: Where do you live?
ALAN: Laguna Hills.
LISA: Where’s that?
ALAN: I’d say it’s about seventy-five miles north of San Diego.
Everyone asks questions, but few people know how to ask questions in ways that effectively promote conversation. When your questions elicit little response, the problem may not be that your conversational partners are unfriendly or uninterested or that the situation isn’t right. The fault may lie simply in the type of questions you ask or in the way you phrase them.
There are two types of questions you can pose: closed-ended and open-ended.
CLOSED-ENDED QUESTIONS
Closed-ended questions are like true-false or multiple-choice questions in that they request only a one- or two-word reply. For example:
“Where are you from?”
“Do you go jogging?”
“Shall we have dinner tonight at 5:30, 6:00, or 6:30?”
“Do you think all atomic power plants should be shut down?”
Closed-ended questions are valuable for getting others to disclose specific facts about themselves that you may wish to explore in greater detail (“I was born in Detroit, but I grew up in Huntsville, Alabama.” “Yes, I jog three miles a day.”) and for getting them to state definite positions (“Six o’clock is fine with me.” “I don’t want those we have shut down, but I don’t favor building any more either.”)
While they have a definite role to play, closed-ended questions lead to dull conversations followed by awkward silences when they are used exclusively. People answering a series of closed-ended questions soon feel, as Scott said, like they’re being interrogated by the FBI.
OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS
You have to follow up your closed-ended questions with open-ended ones if you want to keep your conversations going and allow them to achieve greater interest and depth. Open-ended questions are like essay questions in that they promote answers of more than a word or two. They ask for explanations and elaborations, while showing your conversational partners (much to their delight!) that you are so interested in what they have said that you want to know more.
For instance, once Lisa had found out that I’ve been teaching Conversationally Speaking for about ten years, instead of going on to a second, unrelated closed-ended question, she might have followed up with one of these open-ended questions:
“How did you happen to develop the idea for the workshop?”
“In what ways has the course changed in that time?”
“What did you do to get it offered here?”
“Tell me what your plans are for the course in the future.” (This is an open-ended question phrased as a request.)
Having asked someone where he’s from and having found out he’s from Huntsville, you might ask him open-ended questions like:
“How did you happen to move here from Huntsville?”
“How’s the weather in Alabama different from what we have here?”
“What was the best part of growing up in Huntsville?”
Having learned that someone favors keeping existing atomic power plants operating but doesn’t want more built, you might ask her these open-ended questions:
“How do you think we might deal with the waste the reactors we now have produce?”
“What’s the best way for someone to help stop more plants from being built?”
“If more plants aren’t built, what do you think the nation could do to secure additional power?”
You can observe from these examples that open- and closed-ended questions begin, for the most part, with different words. The following lists should help you in starting off your questions:
Closed-Ended
Both
Open-Ended
Are?
What?
How?
Do?
Why?
Who?
In what way?
When?
Where?
Which?
You may have speculated that some people would probably answer many of the closed-ended questions you’ve read in open-ended ways. While this is true, your conversational partners are likely to answer open-ended questions at consistently greater length because they actively encourage speaking freely. When you ask open-ended questions, others can relax, knowing that you want them to get involved and express themselves fully.
QUESTION-ASKING INCREASES YOUR CONTROL
You need never be stuck in boring conversations because, when you ask questions, you control to a large extent what topics are discussed. Let’s suppose a friend tells you, “I just got back from France.” Here are some of the many questions you could choose to have him answer, depending upon your interests:
“What was the weather like there?”
“How did you manage to communicate with the French?”
“Tell me the most memorable thing that happened.”
“How did you manage to get hotel rooms over there?”
“In what way was the food there different from what we have here?”
If someone introduces herself to you as a high school counselor, you could choose from these questions to ask:
“Why did you decide to become a counselor?”
“What did you have to do to enter the field?”
“Tell me some problems that kids often come to you with.”
“What role are drugs playing on campus today?”
“How does listening to troubles all day affect your outlook on life?”
Or, if you don’t want to talk at all about her job, you could open-endedly ask, “What do you do for fun when you’re not counseling?”
In choosing which questions to ask, keep in mind two considerations:
First, only ask questions when you genuinely want to hear what the other person has to say. No matter how skillful you are, if you just go through the motions, others will eventually sense that you’re merely trying to trick them into liking you.
Second, strive to maintain dual perspective. Having dual perspective means thinking not just in terms of what you want to say and hear but also in terms of the other person’s interests. The worst bores of all are oblivious to the wants and needs of others. For me, they are epitomized by a distinguished-looking gentleman I once heard telling a lady at a cocktail party, “Enough of all this talking about me. Let’s talk about you. What do you think of me?”
Incidentally, you will find being sincere and maintaining dual perspectiv
e of tremendous importance in effectively using all the other skills covered in this book as well.
COMMON MISTAKES IN ASKING QUESTIONS
Asking Questions That Are Too Open-Ended
Midge, the wife of a university administrator, said at a recent workshop in New York that she’s becoming bored with her life. Why? “Because all day long, all I’ve got for company is a three-year-old and an infant. So when Mel comes home and I ask him, ‘How’d it go today?’ I really want to know. But what does he say? ‘Oh, the usual.’ Then he turns on the TV and that’s that.”
Midge had been making several simple errors:
First, her inquiry was too broad in scope. Asking questions is like turning faucets in that the more open they are, the more response you get—up to a point. Very open-ended questions like Midge’s (as well as “What’s new?” “What have you been up to lately?” and “Tell me about yourself.”) would require so much effort and time to answer that most people give up without even trying.
Second, “How’d it go today?” sounds more like a cliché question intended to open the lines of communication than a genuine request for information. Cliché questions generally elicit cliché answers like “Pretty good” or “Not bad.”
Finally, Midge asked the same question every day. Not only did this add to the likelihood of it being considered a cliché, but the thought of answering the same unimaginatively posed query over and over again probably bored her husband.
I suggested to Midge that she read the campus newspaper and her local paper daily. Then I suggested that, after leaving her husband a little time to relax, she ask him more specific open-ended questions about interesting topics her husband was familiar with. Here’s how it went: