Blind in Love

by Ford, Brenda

  “It seems to me that all I will miss out on is partying. That doesn’t trouble me. I would rather be with Amelia.”

  The drive continues in silence but that doesn’t mean that I can’t feel the burning rage from him. It’s rolling off him in waves. I feel bad that he can’t see my point of view. I’m trying my hardest to see his, and I do understand, I’m sure the social life in college was hugely important to him, but Amelia is important to me.

  If anything, much as the college visit has inspired me, it has also made me even more determined to make my relationship work. I just want Amelia to be mine, I need that happy ever after.

  “Nelson, I just don’t want to see you make a mistake, that’s all. I want what’s best for you. You know that the Smith brothers all look out for one another. After everything that we have been through, we have to have one another’s backs. If I can see you making a mistake, I don’t like myself not helping you out. I’m sorry if sound like a dick now. I don’t want to make you hate me. I just want to… to make sure you make the most out of life.”

  “I don’t hate you, Wesley. I could never hate you. I just need to do what’s right for me.”

  We eventually pull back up at the house and I spot Rosie heading into the house. I have no idea what’s going on over there, but I know it isn’t the time for me to find out. I will have to be patient for a little while longer. But when I finally get to her, I will tell her that I’m more determined than ever to weather the storm with her. I’m sure that everyone else will come around eventually. I know there might be trouble ahead, but if we keep under the radar for a bit then there isn’t anything that can come between us.

  “Please don’t go right back over there,” Wesley begs. “Don’t interfere right now. Leave the family to it and focus on college instead. Just for a bit. I think you both need some space to work everything out.”

  “I will.” I let Wesley believe that this decision is because of him and not because I’ve seen Rosie go inside. I think that poor guy needs a win today. “I’m going to sort everything out for my future and have some time to think. You have really helped me. I appreciate you taking me to New York today.”

  Wesley hugs me and I do allow my gratitude to shine through because I do know that he’s gone all out for me today. I’m not sure that many brothers would do that for one another, so I’m glad. It’s nice that he gives a shit, enough to make this happen. But that doesn’t mean I need to agree with him on everything.

  As we head inside, I find Oliver and Brad at the dining table. Instantly, I brace myself, expecting a torrent of abuse from Oliver, but it doesn’t come. He barely even glances my way which means that he doesn’t know yet. He can’t. I know that he wouldn’t keep quiet if he did. So, Rosie knows but hasn’t told Oliver yet. Interesting. I guess her need to protect her mom is more important than dropping me in the shit. Thank God.

  I exchange a look with Wesley who nods towards upstairs, indicating for me to get going already. I bound up the stairs two at a time, glad to have some head space to really sort out my feelings. Once in my room, I close the door behind me and flop onto the bed, my eyes fixed on the ceiling to just stare.

  Images of New York fill me, as do pictures of Amelia. It isn’t really much of a choice to be honest. She’s obviously the one that I’m going to pick, even if I do like the idea of the big apple. But that city will always be there. I could end up there for another reason. It doesn’t have to be college. It could be work in the future, or even a trip. There are hundreds of ways in which I can spend time in the city. It will be fine.

  I turn over on the bed and look at Amelia’s room, wishing that I could be in there right now to explain everything to her. It’s frustrating having to wait to apologize for running out before and running away all day. But I won’t escape any longer. I will stand tall and face what needs to be done.

  “Right, college.” I might as well spend my time now doing what needs to be done. “Let’s take a proper look through it all. Make some decisions. Ear mark some for nearby and some far away… just in case.”

  Not that it will come to that, but I just want to show the effort that I’m putting in. Then Wesley will know that I have considered all options and eventually picked the right one…

  * * *

  My eyes ache with tiredness, which is hardly surprising after the last couple of days that I’ve had. But I feel good. I have made some choices now. If I’m honest with myself, the course in New York is the best one with the most amazing opportunities, but there is a college much closer to home which is also a good one.

  “Those are the two,” I tell myself. “Not that New York is really the only option.” I rub the prospectus, half wishing that this college could be the one that’s nearer because I would love it. “No, it isn’t the course for me.”

  I feel good about the choice. I know this is right. I decide to descend down the stairs to see what the rest of my family are doing. I almost have a skip in my step because I’m so looking forward to speaking to everyone…

  “Hello?” But the house is empty. That never happens! I have five brothers, so someone is always around. But not right now. It really doesn’t seem like I’m going to have anyone to share my good news with. Oh well, I suppose I will just have to get it out later on when someone is back. “Anyone here? No? Okay, fine.”

  The house is weird empty. It’s all big and spacious without the others in making it so chaotic. My parents must have been planning for us all to grow big when they brought this place, giving us plenty of room. I guess they just assumed that they would be around to see us grow up in it. It’s a shame that they aren’t.

  What would they think of me and Amelia? I can’t help but wonder. And who I have become… but I can’t possibly know the answer to that because I never got to know them. They were long gone before I could.

  I grab some food out from the cupboard, nothing that needs cooking, and head back upstairs to crash on my bed. Without even eating what I have gathered from the kitchen, I feel my eyes sliding closed. I really do need a sleep since the last time I got any rest it was a couple of hours in the car. I’m hoping that a sleep will assist my injuries and help them get better. I just want to forget that whole mess with Lux.

  I hope that he isn’t going to be an issue for us. I hope that he vanishes into the urethra and we never have to face him again. Rosie too. She deserves much better than him, and Amelia doesn’t need that hassle either. But I suppose I can’t control everything. Much as I would like to. So, I have to just wait and see what’s going to happen.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Amelia

  I breathe out with relief as I step out of the police station, glad to have that sorted. I wish I’d seen Rosie while I was there, but apparently, she beat me and was already inside for her meeting. I can only assume that means she finished before me as well because her car was not parked there anymore. I just hope that means she’s gone home, and we can have a proper talk. There is still so much lingering that needs to be sorted between us.

  Once I step in the car, I notice a pricking sensation in my nose which is rapidly followed by tears. I don’t know if these are sad tears or I’m crying with relief, but I rest my head on the steering wheel and let it all out. Everything that happened twelve years with whom, all that’s gone on now, everything that I put Rosie through, and all of my mistakes. It gets the better of me and I weep. I don’t know if this is going to be the end of it, but I really hope so.

  What I want is for Lux to just go. To move on, to go to another city or even country. I don’t care where, as long as he isn’t here. I don’t even think that Rosie would be missing out on him. He isn’t a father for her.

  “Right,” I whisper to myself. “You can’t just sit outside the police station all day crying.” Not that this does anything to stop the tears from coming. “You need to get home, to face what’s next. Get everything sorted out.”

  As I drive back, I wonder what has happened to Nelson. I wonder wh
ere he was going, if he’s back. Will he want to speak with me, or will that argument with Rosie have put him off? Oh God, I’m supposed to be done with him anyway, aren’t I? That’s what I told myself. That it was over. But I can’t stop thinking about him. He’s an addiction, my personal drug, and I can’t quit him. Maybe it will be better if he doesn’t come back…

  “No more messes,” I whisper to myself. “No more messy love situations. Listen to your daughter. Rosie seems to be so much wiser than you, which is annoying since she’s only twenty two years old.”

  I pull home to find no car there. Rosie’s isn’t around and Wesley’s car isn’t back either. I feel deflated and sad because there isn’t anything else I can do. I have already tried calling Rosie and she doesn’t want to answer. I will have to wait for her to be ready to come to me. The ball is well and truly in her court.

  With a sigh, I step out of the car and head back inside, feeling the mess of everything that happened before still clinging to the walls. Rosie’s angry words fly off towards me, making me wince all over again. I’m going to have to try and contact my daughter again. I can’t stand this. The tension is too much. I can’t stand it…

  * * *

  The door swings open much later in the day when it’s already gotten dark, and I jump off the couch waking myself up from a half asleep state. My heart pounds wildly, I feel all dizzy and confused, who the hell is it?

  “Mom?” Relief floods me. It’s Rosie and she doesn’t seem quite as mad as before. “Are you in?”

  “I’m here,” I croak back. “Are you okay, Rosie? I wanted to see you at the police station…”

  As she comes in the living room with tears staining her face, I feel terrible. I hate that I have caused this sadness within her. That’s the last thing I want. I race to her and hug her, hoping the tension will melt away.

  “Oh, Mom. I’m so sorry. I didn’t want this to happen, I didn’t want you to be hurt by me. I was just shocked. Today has just reminded me that you have already been through so much with my dad and everything. I shouldn’t stand in the way of your happiness, wherever it comes from. Even if it is…”

  She can’t even say his name which isn’t great, but she has sort of accepted it in her own way. I hug her tighter, wishing that I could find the right words to thank her for understanding me as much as she can.

  “I am still worried about your future though, Mom. It does concern me with you being a teacher and everything. I don’t like the idea of you losing everything. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to stand in your way.”

  I nod and pull back to stare into her eyes. “I know, and I am too. Everything that you have said is right. I shouldn’t be with Nelson. He’s too young and it’s crazy. I was just… being dumb…”

  “Mom, does he make you happy?” She cocks an eyebrow at me. “Because you seem happy.”

  “He does. I have been happy with him. It has made me feel all special… but it can’t last, can it?”

  Rosie shrugs. “I don’t know. I shouldn’t have said what I did because I can’t make that judgement, can I? I’m no expert in love. I would be cautious, but at the end of the day it’s up to you.”

  I suck in a breath and smile gratefully at her. “I can’t believe you would say that. I can’t believe you’re being so nice about it. Rosie, you are such an amazing person. How did I get so lucky to have you as a daughter?”

  “I just want you to be happy, that’s all. I was selfish before. I love you, Mom.”

  “I love you too, Rosie. You’re amazing.”

  “Let’s let today be a fresh start. Dad is behind us, he will be locked away if he comes anywhere near us again, so let’s just start again. And shall we start with a take away for dinner?”

  “Sounds perfect. Thank you, Rosie.”

  The evening rolls on in a much better way than the morning. Me and Rosie have the nicest time that we’ve had in a very long time. Everything is more out in the open, I can be much more honest. While we don’t really talk about Nelson, it isn’t a hidden thing anymore. It’s all okay.

  By the time me and Rosie go to bed, I feel so much better about it all. So much more relaxed. There is even a smile creeping up on my face. When I go to close my curtains and I notice that Nelson’s bedroom light is on, I realize that I haven’t even been looking for him to come home. I’ve been so busy repairing everything with Rosie that it hasn’t been a consideration of mine. But now I can see him, and it makes me smile.

  “How can I not want him?” I ask myself quietly. “I shouldn’t, but how can’t I?”

  He must sense my eyes upon him because his gaze flickers up to me and he grins. Even though it isn’t the wisest decision ever, I wiggle my finger and indicate for him to come over. For a split second, I fear that he isn’t going to come, but he quickly flings the window open and climbs the tree towards me.

  “Are you okay?” he gushes the moment he climbs through the window. “How is everything?”

  “It’s okay. Me and Rosie are alright now. We sorted everything. She’s… understanding.”

  He nods. “Good, I didn’t like the idea of you two falling out over us. It isn’t right. You two need each other.”

  “Well, Lux is out of my life as well now,” I confirm. “The restraining order is there for three years.”

  “Oh, that’s good! I’m glad about that. You don’t need that. Not after everything…”

  Considering he doesn’t really know what happened between us, not properly, not from me anyway, I think that it might be time for me to sit down and tell him everything. He stood up for me. He deserves that. So, I guide him towards the bed, and we take a seat together. I can see him looking at me curiously, but it takes a moment for me to get my thoughts in order before I tell a story I never thought I would share with someone else.

  “I met Lux when I was young,” I begin. “Too young to see the warning signs, I think.” God, I hope that doesn’t reflect on me and him right now, since he’s much younger than me. Not that I’m focusing on that right now. “I assumed that he was as charming as he seemed to be. I believed everything that he told me and fell hard. Too hard.” Nelson pulls me close, comforting me as I tell him everything. “I didn’t even hesitate when he asked me to marry him, even though looking back now I can see that the warning signs of his control and abuse were already there. By the time it turned from words to violence, I was already married and pregnant with Rosie.”

  I stop for a moment to brush the tears away. I don’t want to cry another tear over Lux, I haven’t done in years, but today has been a heavy day and I can’t seem to stop.

  “It’s okay,” Nelson reassures me. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

  “No, I do want to tell you. I need to tell you this. You deserve to know. So…” I take in a shaky breath. “Over time, the beatings got continually worse until I ended up in hospital with broken bones. I had been in a few times before, so I’m sure the staff there knew what was going on, but that was the worst. The time when I should have left him, but I didn’t. I don’t know why, but I didn’t. Not even to protect Rosie. I still stayed and I can’t explain it. He wasn’t even as charming as he was before. He didn’t have any good qualities anymore. But still I stayed. I hate myself for it now, of course. It’s worse that I have no explanation.”

  “But you must have left eventually, right? You got him locked up because of…”

  “No.” I shake my head hard. “I didn’t. He got himself locked up because he got into a drunk driving accident and ended up killing people. If it hadn’t been for that… well, I don’t know what would have happened to me.”

  I shiver as I imagine myself beaten to death, the way that it would have eventually gone. My head caved in, my daughter finding me in a pool of blood… potentially even getting it herself from him…

  “It’s too much. I never should have let any of that happen. It’s no wonder Rosie doesn’t trust me.”

  “Shh, it’s okay,” Nelson soothe
s me, stroking my hair. “It’s okay. You can’t blame yourself for that. It was never you; it was always him. He did this, he created that mess. You were a victim. He was a bad thing that happened to you. We all have that. But that doesn’t make you a bad person. And even if it was a mistake of yours, who doesn’t make mistakes? Who is perfect all the time? No one. So, don’t beat yourself up over it.”

  I tilt my head up and look at him, wondering just how much he means this. I can see an intense truth in his eyes, an expression of pure love. He still feels the same way about me even after everything. He is young, he should run away from all of this drama, he should go and live his life somewhere else… but for some reason he wants to stay here with me. I should let him go too, but I can’t and that has to mean something, right?

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Nelson

  She’s even more beautiful to me. In this moment, she is everything. Strong, independent, fierce, and vulnerable as well. She has a softer side to her which she’s finally showing me. I know that I’m privileged. I bet she doesn’t tell this to everyone. I lean down and press my lips to hers, letting her know how I feel.

  “Sorry.” She pulls back to dry her eyes. “What a mess. Urgh, I don’t like you seeing me like this.”

  I wipe a tear away for her, touching her cheek gently as I do. “I want to see all of you. Even the sides that you normally hide away from the world. I want to see it all.” It’s time. I’ve been holding back but I don’t want to anymore. After everything, I want to just say it all. “I love you, Amelia. I love every part of you.”

  “You love me?” Her eyes pop open wide. “Are you serious, Nelson? Do you even know love?”