by Codi Gary
Before he could hand her the bottle from the first aid kit, she’d darted past Casey and disappeared down the hallway.
Casey’s looked after her, then back at Jared, all wide-eyed innocence.
“Something I said?”
Jared gritted his teeth. At this rate, the kid would be lucky if he made it to sixteen.
Eight
Anna Beth forgot how much the Jefferey’s liked to argue.
Loudly.
Each family member tried to talk over someone else, creating a chorus of voices. Anna Beth kept biting her lip to restrain her mirth, but she didn’t think she’d hidden her amusement from Jared. He sat across from her, his eyes twinkling whenever their gazes met.
It really took her back to when they were kids and she used to stay with the Jeffrey’s for dinner on Saturday nights while her aunt visited friends. Karen even sat her in the same chair she’d used as a kid between Savannah and Forest. Never the boisterous type, Jared used to carry on silent conversations with her throughout dinner. A smile here. An eye roll there. A silly face to make the other laugh.
Anna Beth nearly stuck her tongue out at him, just to see if he’d crack up. Jared had a great laugh. She missed it.
Where had that come from?
The Motrin she’d taken earlier helped with the pain in her thumb, but had possibly made her loopy. She looked away from Jared and grabbed another piece of bread. What other reason would explain her dwelling on their embrace in the bathroom or that ever since, she watched him when he wasn’t looking. His mature face, fuller than it’d been five years ago, had a days’ worth of dark stubble covering his cheeks and chin. He looked like he just stepped off one of those bad boy romances on the grocery store bookshelf she read every once in a while. He was all man and it made her nervous. Not because she ever thought Jared would hurt her, but her reaction to him unsettled her. Even though Ian passed over a year ago, she wasn’t sure she was ready for anything new. Having an attraction to Jared was one thing, but giving in and starting something would only complicate things when they were still figuring out what they could be to each other.
Maybe coming back to Snowy Springs had been a mistake. Being around Jared again left her confused by her reaction to him. Guilt niggled her, even though it didn’t make any sense. Just because she’d taken comfort in a hug and noticed Jared looked good, didn’t mean she was betraying Ian.
And even if she did find someone new, Ian wanted her to be happy. So why be upset about a natural, biological response to a good-looking guy?
Savannah’s voice rising to a squeak brought Anna Beth out of her own head. Savannah and her father were having an enthusiastic debate about why they should replace the prime rib for Christmas dinner with healthier alternatives. Mike wasn’t taking the suggestion well.
“I’m merely offering a few alternatives to red meat. Doctors say that too much red meat isn’t good for you and with your health scare--”
Mike held up his hand, cutting off his youngest daughter. “Let me stop you right there, sweetheart. I love you, but I am a meat-eating machine. And if you convince your mother not to fix prime rib, it won’t be a merry Christmas for anyone.”
Savannah rolled her eyes. “You are so dramatic.”
“Maybe, but I’m also dead serious. I need my coffee, meat, and whiskey. That’s all there is to it.”
Anna Beth laughed, covering her mouth with her napkin. The first time she’d walked into the Jeffrey’s house, Forrest and Grayson were fighting and Savannah was standing off to the side, screaming, a headless doll clutched in her hand. Isa lay on the couch watching TV and Jared took Anna Beth by the hand and led her back outside, away from the noise.
Although there were no more dolls and wrestling matches, the level of chaos stayed the same, as three-year-old Alanna ran around the dining room screaming, “Ring around the rosey!”
“Can you grab her?” Isa hollered to Gil, who caught his daughter in a bear hug. She squealed as he blew a raspberry on her neck.
Forrest and Grayson were going at it over some sports team, their voices getting deeper and louder. Anna Beth actually winced when Forrest nearly took her ear drum out rattling off stats.
Finally, Karen slapped her palm down on the table and the room fell silent.
“Alright! Since the ladies made dinner, we’re going to retire to the living room to get ready to decorate the tree. Mike, you’re in charge of eggnog. The rest of you, dishes, table, and countertops.”
“What about dessert?” Casey asked.
Mike shot him a stern look. “We just finished eating dinner. Let that settle and we’ll talk dessert when the tree is finished.”
Casey snapped his mouth closed. Anna Beth’s initial impressions of the teenager were not good and during dinner, her opinion hadn’t changed. There were a few times where he’d actually seemed to warm up, so it could be that he had a hard time letting his guard down, but she was still on the fence about him.
As everyone stood up, heading for their prospective stations, Anna Beth’s shoulder collided with Jared’s arm as they passed by each other. The contact set her off kilter for a moment and she weaved to the side. When he grabbed her arm to steady her, the heat of his palm burned through the sleeve of her sweater and goose flesh spread along her skin.
This was the second time in the span of an hour that Jared’s touch had left her discombobulated. In the bathroom, taking comfort in his hug let her slip back in time. Although he’d filled out since she’d last embraced him, he still smelled the same. The familiar scent of pine and spice eased her sorrow for a split second.
Then reality had come crashing back. Jared wasn’t her rock, her friend. They were merely acquaintances with a shared past.
“Sorry, I’m still a klutz,” she said, subtly moving her arm.
He released her immediately and she noticed his cheeks stained red. She hadn’t meant to embarrass him.
“It’s my fault. I forget how tiny this dining room is.”
A yellow and green sponge hit Jared’s cheek with a splat and he yelled, “Ow.”
“Chop chop, big brother.” Grayson stood by the sink, winding a dish towel up between his hands. “You’re washing!”
“Are you okay?” Soap bubbles slid down his cheek as he nodded and giggles chased away her brief dip into depression. “I forgot how crazy this place gets.”
“Just another night at the Jeffrey Family Circus. I wish I could say these weren’t my clowns, but I claimed them long ago.”
Another wave of sadness swept through her. She missed that feeling of belonging. If she hadn’t come back to Snowy Springs, she would be all alone for the holidays.
Still am. The Jeffries aren’t mine.
“You’re lucky to have them.”
“I know that.” He bent over and picked up the sponge. “I better get over there or he’s going to toss a towel next. Or the bristled scrub brush. That one might hurt.”
As confusing as her reaction to him was, she still enjoyed Jared’s personality. They’d had their awkward moments since their reunion, but the more time she spent with him, the more she craved his good-natured humor. Maybe because he always seemed to be smiling in her memories.
Except that one. If only she could erase it and they could get back to being friends.
“I’ll let you get to it then,” she said, taking a step around him. “See you in there for the tree decorating.”
“Just don’t touch the Scooby-Doo ornament. It’s mine.”
“Yes, sir.”
Anna Beth headed into the living room with the rest of the women in Jared’s family and as she stood along the edge of the room, a tight ball formed in her throat. Savannah sat in her father’s chair, untangling a strand of beads while Megan worked on the Christmas lights. Isa must have taken Alanna into the other room because she could hear the toddler screaming down the hallway. And Karen had her head in a large box of ornaments, laying them out across the coffee table in single rows. Homemade popsicle st
ick angels, clothespin reindeer, and painted glass balls told their family story. Anna Beth wondered if the ornaments she made her parents were in a box somewhere at her aunt’s place or if they’d been donated to some church function years ago. Anna Beth hadn’t thought about them in years, but maybe she’d ask Sarah. What was one more box of memories in her storage unit?
As a child, warm and intimate Christmases were the norm, until she’d moved in with her aunt. The small tree Sarah put in the corner of the room, on top of a high round table had been perfectly adorned with expensive glass ornaments which Anna Beth hadn’t been allowed to touch. After she’d married Ian, they’d gone all out for the holidays, including a big Christmas Eve bash with their friends. But when his health deteriorated, they skipped the party, but their festivities were still wonderful, just the two of them.
Over the course of their marriage, Ian and she had collected ornaments from every place they traveled. They held memories of anniversaries, her first passport stamp, and other special moments. She hadn’t even brought the box out last year, as they’d spent the night before Thanksgiving until his death in the hospital and he hadn’t been aware enough for Anna Beth to decorate his hotel room anyway. Those ornaments were gathering dust in a storage unit in L.A. because she couldn’t even imagine putting them on a tree without Ian by her side.
The air around Anna Beth thickened and she couldn’t catch her breath. Her chest tightened and Karen glance up from her ornament sorting, frowning.
“Anna Beth, are you alright?”
“Yeah, I’m just a little light headed. Excuse me, I’m going to go outside for a minute.” Anna Beth rushed to the door and grabbed her coat. “Just need some air.”
Before Karen could question her further, Anna Beth stepped out onto the porch. The minute the door closed, she took a deep breath, allowing the crisp air to burn her lungs. She reached into the pocket of her coat, but her keys were the only thing she found. She’d locked her purse in the car, along with her anxiety medication. She didn’t get attacks often, but when she did, the alleviated the symptoms.
The next best thing was to take deep breaths and think about something soothing.
Her breath swirled in front of her face as she exhaled and Anna Beth smiled, even as tears rolled down her cheeks, thinking of the old Claymation cartoons she and Ian watched every year. She should find one on TV tonight. Maybe Sarah would watch it with her and they could make new traditions. Be close.
Give Anna Beth somewhere to come back to next Christmas.
With the porch light off, the bright winter moon cast enough light that she could see all the way out to the street. It was a beautiful night, with patches of clouds above, and inside, a warm, loving family who’d invited her to be a part of their celebration, sat around making new memories. She should be in there with them.
Instead, she stood on the cold, dark porch feeling sorry for herself. Ian would be so disappointed. She could almost hear his voice chiding her.
Anna Banana, why are you out here when the fun’s inside? Shake it off, baby, and have a good time.
She needed to go out to the car. Just one pill to take the edge off and she’d go back inside.
But the minute she reached the stairs, something moved to her right.
“Santa Claus is coming to town!”
Anna Beth gasped loudly as the robotic Santa came to life, his blue eyes flashing. Her heart thundered so hard against her chest, she thought it might rupture.
“Geez, you scared me, stupid thing.”
It rudely kept singing and dancing, oblivious to her near-death experience.
“I think you’re possessed.”
“He’s creepy, right?”
Anna Beth squealed and spun around to find Jared stepping onto the porch behind her, still shrugging into his jacket.
“Yes, but so are you! Between freaky Santa and your silent tread, I’m about to have a heart attack.”
The flashing lights from Santa’s eyes illuminated the sheepish expression on his face. “Sorry, I wanted to check on you. I finished my part of the cleanup and mom said you weren’t feeling well. I wanted to make sure you were okay.”
“I’m fine. Really. Just got a little overwhelmed.” Santa started going off again and Anna Beth waved her hand. “Can you exorcise him?”
Jared chuckled. “I think I know a prayer or two for evil Santa’s.”
He went around the back of the moving animatronic and she laughed as Santa’s hand chopped at him, nearly catching him on the side of his head. He ducked out of the way and after a moment of fiddling around behind Santa, the robot finally stopped moving. His eyes dimmed slowly and Anna Beth sighed with relief.
“Thank goodness. Fair warning, if I come back to visit your family again, Santa’s gonna die.”
“Shhh, don’t say that too loud or you might upset mom. She loves that awful thing.” Jared came up alongside her and leaned his forearms on the porch railing. “So, was it our incessant need to outdo each other or the amount of decorations we have to hang that sent you out here?”
Anna Beth appreciated his light hearted approach to probing her for information. Jared had always been good about getting to the bottom of what was bothering her without pushing too hard. Funny how time apart hadn’t changed that.
“Honestly, I forgot how crazy your family can get, but it really had little to do with them and more what’s going on inside my own head.”
“I think you’re being too nice. You can admit we’re nuts and I promise not to hold it against you.”
Anna Beth leaned on the railing next to him, their shoulders brushing. “Not, it’s...being around your family is great. It just makes me miss having a family of my own.”
“I understand that feeling.” She looked over at him in the moonlight. He stared off into the dark, lost in the past. “When I first moved in with the Jeffries, I’d never had a festive Christmas before. Traditions, presents, food that didn’t come out of a microwave...it was overwhelming. I ran off and hid for hours. Mike finally found me in his shop. He wasn’t mad. He just asked if I felt like coming back or if I needed another minute. I took another half an hour and when I came out of his shop, Mike stood there, waiting on me. It’s a heady feeling to go from no one giving a shit about you to a huge group.”
“You never told me that.” Anna Beth rested her hand on his arm.
Jared shrugged. “Guess it just never came up. I know I’m lucky and, given everything you’d lost, I suppose I never thought you’d want to hear how I spent my first Christmas in a shed, instead of with a family who cared about me.”
Anna Beth wasn’t really sure what to say. Had he really thought she was so self-involved that she wouldn’t listen to his worries and fears?
“I always cared about your feelings, Jared.”
“I didn’t mean it like that. You were a good friend.” Anna Beth’s stomach pitched at his use of the past tense, but she couldn’t hold it against him. He turned toward her and she could feel his eyes sweep over her face. “What about you, A.B.? How are you feeling now?”
The warm way her old nickname fell from his lips sent her stomach into a fit of somersaults and she nearly told him everything. Her anxiety attack. Feeling lost and alone. Thankfully, the lump in her throat stopped her from spilling her guts. She’d already broken down in front of this man once tonight, she wasn’t quite ready to do it again.
“I’m fine.” She pushed away from the railing and let out a breath, making a large O with her mouth. Anna Beth rubbed her upper arms and changed the subject. “It’s awfully cold. Think it will snow?”
Jared pulled out his phone and tapped on the screen for a few seconds. “The weather app on my phone says no, but it’s been wrong before. We were supposed to get eight inches last night and nothing.”
“Huh, that’s interesting.”
“Is it?” She caught Jared’s grin out of the corner of her eye as he put his phone away. “I always thought the weather was something people ta
lked about when they had nothing to say.” He cleared his throat as he stepped closer to her. “Or too much to choose from, in our case.”
The Christmas lights cast colorful shadows across his face as he leaned closer, his warm breath whispering across her skin.
“I’ve missed you, A.B.”
His proximity and scent made her dizzy and against her will, her body leaned toward him. More than anything she wanted to let him hold her and chase the clouds away.
But she didn’t want to give him the wrong impression, no matter how good it may feel.
Her hands came up to rest on his chest. “Jared…”
“Yeah?”
“I can’t do this.”
Nine
Jared backed away from Anna Beth, wishing he could take back the last thirty seconds. Damn it, since she’d been home, he hadn’t been able to think straight and telling her he missed her like this? On a dark porch on a cold winter night, just the two of them? No wonder she freaked.
“Sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean to come off so intense. I guess being around you again takes me back. Sometimes it seems like we haven’t been apart and the next minute, it’s awkward as hell. I swear I wasn’t coming onto you.” Knowing he was going to ramble himself into a hole, he added, “I’ll just let you be.”
He turned, prepared to head back inside, but her voice stopped him. “I don’t want you to go.”
He looked over his shoulder at her, his heart racing. “You don’t?”
“No, but...I guess I'm anxious.” She tucked a stray hair behind her ear, her gaze avoiding his. “About what it means being back here. I’m only here temporarily, and I don’t want to complicate things.”
“What does that mean?” he asked.
“I’m not moving back. I’m leaving the day after Christmas.”
Disappointment slammed into Jared like a Mack truck, but he hid it under a cheery tone. “Three weeks is a decent visit with your aunt. Maybe even reconnecting with an old friend?”
Anna Beth finally looked at him. “Is that what you want? To be friends again.”