Phoenix Child

by Alica Mckenna Johnson

  ~Anais Nin

   

  I was on fire! I beat at the flames with my hands. Taking in a deep breath so I could scream, instead I froze. The air didn't burn; it felt warm but not hot. Looking up, I saw a bird, flames coming from its feathers. What in the world was going on? And how do I get out of here?

  The bird blinked his gold eyes, then began to sing. Its voice was a mix of bird song, human voices, and musical instruments, yet at the same time much simpler than that. My whole body relaxed as a sense of peace filled me. My sore aching muscles were soothed with each note. Flames continued to dance along my skin, but I no longer felt afraid.

  "This must be a dream." I closed my eyes and relaxed. None of this was real.

  Blinking, I tried to get my bearings. I was no longer on fire, which was great, but I knew that something had happened, something changed, and time passed. I did something or had been told something, and now it was lost to me.

  "Remember us, I know it will be hard. Dreaming is a new skill. But try your hardest to remember us," a woman pleaded with me. Her long black curls flowed in the flower-scented breeze. She wore a toga of blue, purple and green. Her copper skin glowed darker than my own.

  "You will be able to find what your mother left for you, as we have restored your memories," her husband said, as he slid an arm around her waist. His flame-red hair and pale skin made him look otherworldly. Behind them stood a herd of unicorns feasting on the unnaturally green grass. Above us a griffin and a dragon raced across the turquoise sky.

  My eyes opened with a jolt.

  I ran my hands over my face trying to rub away the images. Shakily, I got out of bed, surprised that I wasn't sore at all. Stretching my arms, I felt the ghost of the warmth and peace from the bird's fire. This was crazy! I grabbed my outfit for the day and went into the bathroom.

  Catching my reflection in the mirror, I jumped. How long would it take to get use to my new appearance? Quickly, I twisted my hair into a tight bun. I made sure to separate my black bangs from the red, and covered my hair in a bandanna then put on a gray long-sleeved shirt, and plain black sweatpants.

  I tried to forget my dream, tried to ignore the hum of magic on my skin. Every time I moved without pain, my suspicion grew that my dream healed me.

  I do not believe in fairy tale creatures! Dreams are nothing more than my subconscious working on a problem!

  Turning, I glared at myself in the mirror. This is not good, you're arguing with yourself about something you don't even believe in! Wait, did that even make sense? I'm going crazy! Okay, calm down. I gritted my teeth knowing if I actually talked out loud, Melanie would wake up and ask was going on. What would I say?

  Okay, Sara, get a grip. Deep breath, take a deep cleansing breath. Now put your things away, get your yoga mat and figure this out.

  Moving from one yoga pose to another, I thought over the problem and the mysterious dreams I'd been having. I knew I had experienced the same kind of dream that I'd had on my birthday, even though I couldn't remember the details. My brain kept going over how my body felt last night, dreaming of the faerie tale world, and how good I felt now. As I lay in corpse pose I came up with two options. First: I was wrong about how sore I felt last night; a perfectly reasonable option. Second: A magical being healed me while I slept.

  As I put my things away I still felt confused about which reality to choose, the one where I didn't believe my own perceptions or the one where I believed in mythical creatures. The others began to wake, and I turned my focus toward getting ready for the day.

  "Melanie, I'm leaving," I said sticking my head into her room an hour later.

  "Have a good day, I'll see you at four,” Melanie called from the bathroom.

  My eyes came to rest on her pink toolbox peeking out from under the bed. I dashed in and pulled out a screwdriver and stuffed it into my bag.

  "The church group is coming tonight, right?" I asked.

  "Yes, they’re bringing dinner." Melanie mumbled as she brushed her teeth.

  "Cool, see you then." Guilt gnawed at my stomach. I’d never taken anything from Melanie before. The image of my mom hiding something in the bathroom wall played clearly in my mind. I wasn't sure what to do about it, but I would need a tool to use if I decided to break through a wall at San Francisco Center for the Circus Arts.

  Walking down the hill to the cable car, I felt the wind whip through my jacket and sweater. I kept my head down trying to keep the rain off my face. By the time I got to circus camp, I was glad for central heating. Heading to the cubbies, I peeled off my wet jacket. I wore enough layers that my shirt stayed dry; my pants, however, were not so lucky and completely soaked.

  "Got caught in the rain?" An Indian woman asked, looking at the puddle around my feet.

  "Yes, but they'll dry, I'm not worried." I sat down to take off my shoes and socks. I rubbed my blue toes trying to warm them up. My icy hands weren't much help. "I like the music today."

  "Thanks, I got to the stereo before anyone else. I love Bollywood. I'm Anali, my husband and I are teachers here." A shoulder length black bob framed her sweet round face.

  "Nice to meet you. I'm Sara."

  "We're about the same size, if you would like to borrow a dry pair? If the floor gets wet, it could become dangerous." Anali gestured to my wet pants.

  True, Anali was petite, only an inch or two taller than my five feet two and a half inches, and I suppose wet clothes could be a safety concern. I hoped they wouldn't be bright pink with turquoise embroidery like hers.

  "Okay, thanks." I followed her up the narrow wooden staircase, hitching my backpack on my shoulder. A plain door opened into a living room. There were books everywhere. Books shoved tightly onto shelves, with more books stuffed on top of them, books stacked into corners, under tables, on top of tables, peeking out from couch cushions, and opened over the arms of the furniture.

  "I'll come right back," Anali smiled.

  I nodded and looked at the nearest bookshelf. My eyes widened; they were all about mythical creatures. Just a coincidence, look away, nothing to see here, citizen. Turning, I saw Kayin standing inside the kitchen looking puzzled, his dark skin glowing against the rich orange of his tee shirt.

  Before I could explain why I was up there, a man with flame-red hair walked into the room, tugging on a gray tee shirt with Kermit the Frog on the front.

  "Hurry up, the little monsters will get here soon!" He stopped short when he saw me, his mouth dropping open, eyes wide.

  Well, this is uncomfortable.

  "Not a good look on you, honey.” Anali said as she walked past her husband, her head barely reaching his shoulder. "Here, Sara, these should fit you, they're a little short on me."

  "Thank you." I took the soft cotton pants, grateful for the dark green color.

  "This is my husband, Gavin. Gavin, this is Sara; she's a student here."

  "Hello. You look a lot like my sister," Gavin said, as he continued to stare at me.

  "Weird. Thank you for the pants, Anali. I'll go downstairs and change." I turned and ran back down the stairs.

  I crashed into someone at the bottom of the stairs.

  Taliesin frowned at me. "Oh, are all the little birds happy in their nest?"

  "What exactly is wrong with you?" I asked looking him over as if I could see some kind of flaw. Unfortunately, I couldn't see any. He looked perfect in his slate blue sweats and white tee shirt, if you liked slender, muscular, GQ guys. "Is that some kind of new racist term?"

  His sky-blue eyes narrowed. "Didn’t your parents tell you about your heritage?"

  "Taliesin, that's enough," Gavin said as he walked down the stairs, his voice firm.

  Crap, more weirdness would happen today. Well, I didn't need a protector. "I don't have any parents. I haven't since I was five."

  "What?" Gavin said behind me.

  I turned. He gripped the banister, holding himself up, and looking horrified. What was his problem?

  Taliesin's face went
through a range of emotions, confusion, anger, and disbelief. He settled on pity. I pushed passed him, making sure my bag hit him in the chest and headed to the bathroom to change. If more strangeness was on its way, I wanted to be wearing dry pants.

  I stepped into the empty bathroom and felt the memory of my mother wash over me. I went into the last stall, hung my bag on the hook, and changed into the borrowed pants. Had my mother really knelt here on the floor and hidden something in the wall? I locked the stall door and changed.

  What was I going to do? Did I believe my mom hid something in the wall? What if someone found me lying on the floor? What if nothing was there? What if something was? What if I got caught? How would I explain prying open the wall?

  I didn't want my life to change! Wrapping my arms around myself, I slid to the floor, my whole body shaking. I wanted things to go back to the way they were before! I wanted boring brown hair and ugly gray-green eyes.

  I glared at the trashcan, which stood in front of the spot my mom had been in my vision. Okay, how about this, it could be like a coin toss, two choices. If there is nothing in the wall, I can say all the changes are due to hormones, the fever, becoming a teenager, and I can ignore all the weirdness.

  I stopped shaking. Okay, good plan, but what if there is something in the wall? Well, I explained to myself (in my head: only crazy people talk to themselves out loud) well, then, whatever is in the wall will provide answers, and I'll figure out where to go from there.

  Cool, two rational, logical plans. Now I just needed to cross the floor and look behind the trashcan. I sat frozen. I knew if I sat here long enough someone would come into the bathroom and my chance would be lost. Hey, I’m on a roll with the good plans this morning!

  "Courage is a tricky thing; sometimes the right thing to do isn't always clear. Sometimes our choices are based on gut feelings, dreams, wisps of memory, or even an impression. It is these small guides that lead us to our true lives. Going down one street suddenly can change the course of your life. I met your father by following an odd feeling. I walked around the tables of the library. I felt so embarrassed when the other students stared at me. Then I finally found the right table, no one else sat there, only a messy pile of books. A few minutes later your dad sat down.

  Don't be afraid of what others might think, my darling daughter. Follow your heart, trust your feelings, and live life fully."

  I slid across the cold tile. Behind the trashcan, I ran my fingers over the tall baseboards separating the floor from the cheap wood paneling. Getting the screwdriver from my bag, I pulled the baseboard loose. The nails squealed in protest as they were pulled from the wall.

  Thank goodness for poor construction. A two-inch gap came into view between the floor and the wall, plenty of space for my trembling fingers to reach into the gap. I reached in as far as I could, stretching my fingers hoping to find whatever my mom left. There was nothing.

  Sitting back I stared at the wall. I could clearly see my mom reaching in and up into the wall. I grabbed the bottom of the wood paneling and tugged. The flimsy wood moved easily, and in a puff of dust, a wrinkled paper bag fell down. I pulled it to me.

  I shoved the panel back into place, using the back of the screwdriver to force the nails back in. I finished putting the baseboard back as the bathroom door opened. Three Perky Girls giggled as they fixed their hair and talked about the cute boys in class. I grabbed the bag and moved further into the stall, almost falling onto the toilet. This is crazy! The dream, the memory, was real? Carefully, I opened the bag finding two bundles of cloth and an envelope.

  "Hurry up, classes will start soon," one of the Perky Girls said to her friends.

  Crap, should I read it now? Could I stand to wait until lunch? If I want to keep this a secret I needed to go back out there. I placed the bag in my backpack, making sure it was safe and wouldn't get squished. I washed up, plastered a bored teenage mask on, and went out to pretend my life hadn’t changed again in ways I couldn't begin to imagine.

  I sat away from everyone else and began stretching, grateful I wasn't as sore as most of the other kids seemed to feel this morning. Maybe the crazy dreams weren't so bad.

  Philip and Gavin were at the desk searching for something. Gavin flung papers aside, while Philip tried to calm him down. Hoping I wasn't obvious, I continued to watch the two men while I warmed-up. Gavin froze, his confusion visible. Grabbing the phone he dialed, his eyes darting between the phone and a piece of paper. His mouth opened a bit, as if to say hello, but it must have been a message because Gavin closed his mouth and hung up the phone. Shaking his head he hid his face in his hands; whatever he'd heard upset him. Phillip placed an arm around him, comforting and supportive.

  "Do you mind if I join you?" Kayin asked.

  "Sure, no problem."

  "You said your hair changed on your fifteenth birthday?" I asked once he'd sat down. If I couldn't read the letter, or spy on Gavin and Phillip, I was going to get answers from somewhere.

  "Yes, it was quite shocking." Kayin reached out and grabbed his toes. "I went to bed with black hair and high fever and woke up with ruby red curls scattered around my head. It's part of our inheritance, they say it's a gift."

  "There are more people like us?" My voice a whisper.

  "Yes, not a lot, we're special, but there are others. Gavin, Anali, and Philip are all of the same line too," Kayin said.

  "So we're all related?" Hello, weirdness level reaching critical mass.

  Kayin shrugged. "A little bit. We are all descendants from a great king and queen who lived thousands of years ago in Babylon."

  "This can't be real." I stared at the door, wondering if I could escape before any of them caught up to me.

  "I didn't believe it at first either, then my gift came in and I couldn't deny it any more. I'm sorry this is happening to you. I know it's a shock. Some people actually grow up knowing the change is coming and it's celebrated."

  "You didn't celebrate?" I didn't need to ask, his tone told me everything.

  Kayin shook his head and looked away. "No, I did not."

  "What kind of gift?" I asked keeping my voice soft enough that Kayin could pretend he hadn't heard me if he wanted. I hoped he would answer, I needed to know what else could happen.

  "It's different for everyone. Some people can feel other people's emotions, or influence others with their voice, some can help heal, or manipulate fire." Kayin brought the soles of his feet together, let his legs fall open, and leaned forward to touch his head to the floor.

  "Wow, first how you look changes then you can suddenly do freaky things." This was not good. I’m supposed to hide something like that, how?

  Kayin's dry chuckle made me shiver. "It is rather scary. There are quite a few of us in town. Once your gift comes in, we will find someone to teach you how to use it."

  Oh, yeah. I could just see Five letting me take classes from some stranger to control my sudden supernatural gift. "We'll see."

  "Remember that I'm here, and I'm willing to help. I need to get ready, classes will start soon." Kayin stood up.

  "Thank you."

  "I know it's a lot, but it will be okay."

  "It's not okay for you yet," I said without thinking.

  Kayin turned away.

  "I'm sorry."

  "No you're right, it's not okay yet, but I'm hopeful," Kayin said, sounding more resigned than hopeful.

  Feeling like a jerk, I watched him walk away. Just because I felt upset and confused didn't mean I had the right to hurt Kayin.

  "Good morning everyone," Philip said. "Our two snow-bound teachers managed to get a flight from New York and are here now. This is Gavin and Anali."

  "I hope you all remember your number from yesterday; we'll stay in those groups. Group one will go with Anali for tumbling, group two will come with me for poi spinning. I see those looks, and no, we won't use fire during camp." Several of the boys groaned. "Group three will go with Gavin, Shin, Kayin and Taliesin for stilts."

/>   I couldn't remember what group I was in yesterday. Looking around, I found a girl with brown dreadlocks who'd been in my group yesterday and followed her.

  "Good morning, I'm Gavin, and we'll be teaching stilting. The four of us will go around the room and help you put on the stilts. Please do not try to get up on your own."

  I watched while Shin helped another girl put her stilts on, and followed what he did. I picked my feet up, it felt weird having two feet of wood tied to them.

  "Good job, Sara," Shin said, testing the tightness of my knots.

  "Thanks," I said, pleased I got it right, but then I felt a flash of jealously. Weird. Why would I feel jealous?

  "Are you ready to try walking?" Shin turned his feet so they pointed out and were shoulder width apart.

  "Sure," I said, although it came out more like a question. I wanted to try and walk on the stilts, but not excited about falling from that high up.

  Shin smiled. "It'll be fine. That's why Gavin has all the assistants, so no one gets hurt. Now place the bottom of each stilt at the arch of my foot. Good, grab my hands and up you go."

  I held my breath as Shin leaned back and I rose into the air. Once my stilts were straight, I stood up slowly. Gripping Shin's hands, I shifted from foot to foot as I tried to stand.

  "Good, get your balance," Shin said stepping back a bit.

  "Don't let go." I tightened my grip on his hands.

  "Not until you're ready. Let's try and walk okay?" Shin raised his hand higher forcing me to stand straighter.

  "Okay." I took a very small, very careful step.

  Shin walked with me for a few minutes. Each step got easier, and I loosened my death grip on his hands.

  "Kayin," Shin said. "Take Sara and I'll go get another one up."

  "Sure." Kayin walked towards us. The boy he supported needed only one of his hands held for balance.

  I wasn't sure about holding onto one hand. Shin's thin eyes crinkled in amusement. "Sara you'll do fine; you haven't slipped or lost your balance once."

  I placed my hand in Kayin's dark one, feeling the warm spark just like last time. Kayin smiled at me. I relaxed a bit, maybe he’d forgiven me.

  "Josh, why don't you try walking on your own, you seem to have the hang of it," Kayin said a few minutes later.

  Josh nodded and let go of Kayin's hand. He walked next to us for a bit then rambled off on his own.

  "I'm sorry about what I said."

  Kayin squeezed my hand. "It's okay, Sara, don't worry about it. You're doing well. Do you want to try it on your own?"

  "Will you stay next to me?" I asked.

  "Yes, don't worry, I’m not going anywhere." Kayin's rich brown eyes held mine.

  For a moment it seemed he was saying more, it made me feel safe and protected.

  "Okay." I let go of his hand and took a step.

  "Remember, your balance comes from your stomach an inch or two above your belly button."

  After a few more careful steps I began taking more normal steps. I had a few tippy moments, then I walked without any trouble.

  "I think you've got it. I'm going to help someone else," Kayin said.

  "Sure, thanks." I was stilting. I rock!

  "Class is about to end," Gavin said. "We will come around and help each of you down, then you can take off your stilts."

  I made my way over the side of the room.

  Gavin held up his hands. "Let me help you down."

  When I touched him I got that same jolt of warmth I had when I touched Kayin. I looked up in surprise, meeting his pale green eyes in shock. Gavin smiled. Kayin said that Gavin was a descendant of the King and Queen like us, so I shouldn't be surprised to feel the same spark. Slowly, I lowered myself down using Gavin to keep my balance.

  "If you have any questions or need anything, both Anali and I are here for you," Gavin said softly. I could hear a faint hint of a New York accent in his voice.

  I nodded and began to undo my stilts. I didn't know what else to say. I mean how does one respond when a total stranger offers to help you as your world falls apart around you?

  I sat alone at lunch again. Opening my backpack, I pulled out the thick envelope. I saw my name written across the front in neat, loopy letters. The paper crinkled as I opened the envelope and unfolded the pages. A strangely familiar scent of flowers came from the paper. Was that my mother's perfume?

  My dearest daughter,

  I would give anything to be with you right now. I tried everything I could think of to keep you with me, but in the end I wasn't able to. Know that I love you so very, very much. You are my Jewel, the most precious thing in the world to both your dad and me.

  I hope you are reading this before your fifteenth birthday. Sometimes huge changes can happen almost overnight. Remember this letter, and know that everything will be all right.

  You need to find your uncle, Gavin Marsh. He will help protect you and explain what is happening.

  Love always and all ways,

  Mom

  P.S. On your fifteen birthday you’ll be able to read the other letter. Try reading it out loud. It helps.

  Wow, okay so this was some weird family thing, like Kayin explained. Nice to know he wasn't lying to me. Wait, Gavin Marsh? Turning, I peeked around the edge of the gym mats I sat behind. Gavin stood by the desk talking with Philip and Kayin, his hair the same shade of flame red as the curls in Kayin's hair.

  Is he my uncle? I sat back staring at the letter in front of me, reading it over and over again. It couldn't be a coincidence, could it?

  Okay, slow breaths, Sara, take slow breaths, you still need to read the other page. I switched the pages, and the images swam as my eyes filled with tears. My mom was crazy, these weren't words just a bunch of odd lines and shapes. She expected me to read this? Reading it out loud helps? What?

  I felt so close to understanding what was happening. So hopeful that I would finally learn who I am and what’s going on. The marks seemed to swirl as I stared at them, mocking me with hidden truths I couldn’t decipher.

  "I'm going to see if I can find her. I haven't seen her for a while." I heard Gavin say.

  Quickly I put the letter away, pulled my curly bangs over my eyes, wiped away the tears, and picked up my salad, and took a big bite.

  Gavin walked past the mats. "Oh, here you are, Sara. I was worried."

  "Is it not okay to sit over here?" I made my voice sound timid. Most adults fall for the "innocent" voice.

  "No, it's fine. I was doing a head count making sure we hadn't lost anyone, and I couldn't find you." Gavin sat down, a warm smile on his face.

  My leg began to twitch. Crossing my legs, I tried to hide my nervousness.

  "Why aren't you sitting with the others?" Gavin tilted his head to the side like a curious puppy.

  "I don't get a lot of chances to be alone, so I take them when I can." It's my standard answer. Honestly, I think most people imagine that I live in a long hall filled with poor orphans like something out of Oliver Twist or Annie.

  A wave of sadness swept over me. What was that? Looking up Gavin's eyes were filled with sadness. I could feel it coming from him.

  Oh, this isn't good. Didn't Kayin say one of the gifts was feeling other people's emotions? My first conversation with the man who could be my uncle, and I have to deal with this too? Seriously, Universe, I can't take much more. I'm only fifteen. There's only so much I can deal with.

  "It's nice to have time alone. I'll give you your space. I'm sure I'm supposed to help with something." Gavin's hand twitched as if he wanted to touch me.

  "It's fine, thanks for checking on me." For some reason this made Gavin happy, if the bubbly warmth coming off of him was any indication.

  "No problem. I know Kayin has been talking to you about things, but remember Anali and I are also here and willing to help," Gavin said, standing up.

  "I'll remember," I said taking a bite of salad so I didn't have to say any more.

  While playing red light/green
light, I became dizzy from everyone's emotions. No wonder adults said teenagers were crazy. Emotions danced around me like light from a disco ball: joy, anger, lust, jealousy, embarrassment, and happiness.

  "Stay out of my personal bubble!" one of the girls said to a boy who kept scooting closer to her.

  A bubble, I wonder if I could make something like that work? Stepping to the back of the group I imagined a bubble surrounding me, blocking the emotions out. I imagined a bubble several time before I created it. The bubble seemed flimsy and it only toned down the emotions around me. Oh well, it’s better than nothing. But maybe I’ll get through the rest of camp.

  I made it through juggling with Kayin and Philip, and learned to jump Double Dutch with Anali and Taliesin. In both classes I stayed far enough away from people to keep the impact of the other kids' emotions down.

  I wasn't able to keep the same distance during clowning. Gavin watched me intently, his pale green eyes burning. His emotions went right through my pathetic attempts at shielding myself. Determination, confusion, protectiveness, and sadness flooded through me. They mixed in with all of the emotions from the students. I wasn't sure how I could get through class.

  Stumbling with the intensity of emotion, I fell and sent three of us tumbling to the ground. I cried out as an elbow hit me in the nose. My eyes began to water, much to my embarrassment.

  "Okay, let's get everyone up," Gavin said. The other two were lifted off of me. "Sara, are you okay? Let me see."

  I looked up into Gavin's worried face, and slowly opened my hands. "Crap, you're bleeding. Come with me I'll get you cleaned up."

  I let Gavin help me up and guide me over to the bathrooms. He opened a door, marked employees only, and pulled out a first aid kit.

  "Here hold this on your nose." Gavin handed me a wad of gauze and an ice pack. "Are you okay?"

  "Yes, it's sore, but I think the bleeding is slowing down."

  "Good, I'll get some wet paper towels and get you cleaned up."

  I opened my mouth to protest, I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself, but he already grabbed a bunch of supplies.

  "Here let me take that," Gavin reached out for the bloody gauze.

  I pulled back and shook my head. "I'll throw it away." That’s gross, he wasn't even wearing gloves.

  "Sure." Gavin held out a small plastic bag. As I placed the bloody gauze in the bag I felt a quick wave of triumph hit me. "Here are the wet towels, and there's a mirror in the bathroom. I'll take care of this."

  Weird, what was Gavin so happy about? Getting up, I tried to put it from my mind - there are times when trying to understand adults isn't worth the trouble. After cleaning up I re-joined the class.