In My Heart (Sweetbriar Hearts Book 1)

by Nora Everly

  After I got out of the shower, I checked my phone. I had a text from Rose:

  Rose: FYI. Whatever progress you made with Lily has been undone. You “have to talk” to her when you get here. She wants to “slow down.”

  I shoved my phone into my pocket then dug around in my closet. I’d kept one of the envelopes Lily had sent me years ago. It had something in it, so I opened it. The locket glinted in the light on its delicate gold chain. I examined the lily of the valley embossed disk before carefully popping it open. I smiled at Lily’s toothless grin in the picture—we were age five and beaming at my mother as she told us to say cheese. The other side held a picture of us at prom. Rose had gagged and threatened to toss the camera at my head if we didn’t stop kissing in front of her.

  I tucked it into my pocket. It was time to remind Lily of a few things. Time to prove that I was not giving her up this time.

  It was barely seven in the morning when I pulled into my spot in front of my building. McCabe Contracting, was now the largest contracting company in the area. As a kid, I had rejected all my father’s attempts to get me interested in his work. He hadn’t really wanted me to take over his business. He had just wanted people to think that he did. Dad had been all about appearances. It was crazy that I was back here and running it now.

  Liam’s car was already in the lot. I’d hired him to handle the business side of the company. Liam was a genius—he’d earned an MBA before he joined the Army. I had no desire to learn about accounting and payroll and cost analysis or anything like that, but he loved that shit. I focused on the clients, the designs, everything creative. The company had kind of floated along after my father’s death, relying on deals he’d had made before he died. His attorney, Jake Moretti, a friend of Violet’s, had hired a firm to manage it until I got back to decide what to do. At first, I was surprised that he left everything to me, but then I remembered his obsession with his reputation, and it made perfect sense. What would people think if I inherited nothing?

  Truth was, he’d hated me, blamed me because my mother died. She died in a car crash on the way to pick up my eighth birthday cake in town. If I hadn’t been born, then there would have been no need for a cake. He had been telling me that ever since it happened.

  I keyed the code into the door and went inside. I crossed through the small lobby area to my office suite. I stuck my head into Liam’s office. “How’s your grandma?” Liam’s grandmother was family, I used to join Liam whenever he visited her.

  “She’ll be fine. She’s scheduled for an angioplasty later this morning. I’m about to finish up here, then head out to be with her.”

  “Glad to hear it. Give her my love, and I’ll swing by later to visit. I’m going to get a coffee. Want anything?”

  “No thanks, I’ve already had two this morning. That woman is a coffee master. Not hard to look at either,” he added.

  “Violet? Yeah, she’s beautiful, but she’s always been like a big sister to me.”

  “She’s married, right?”

  I nodded.

  “Too bad. Does Lily have any other sisters besides Violet and Rose?” he asked.

  “You don’t like Rose? She’s single.” I laughed.

  “She’s hot but kind of—” He glanced up at me, then stopped talking with a guilty look.

  I laughed. “You won’t offend me, man. Rose is a tough one. She’s a tiny, evil ginger ninja. I grew up with her, and sometimes she scares me. Holly, she’s the youngest sister.”

  Liam looked intrigued, and I shook my head. “Nope, don’t even think about it.” I trusted Liam, loved him like a brother. But Holly had been hurt so bad in the past that I felt compelled to warn him off.

  He laughed at me. “You just got all big brother. Don’t worry. I was just curious.”

  “I’m out. Later, Liam.”

  “Good luck.”

  10

  Lily

  I had been a wreck all night, and it was hard to hide my mood this morning. I couldn’t stop obsessing about what I would tell Luke to make him understand that I needed to slow down.

  I had to protect Dylan. I hadn’t expected to feel this much turmoil when I came back here. I’d expected to feel some nostalgia, then get over it and live my life. I wanted to be normal—go to work, go home, play with my kids, make dinner, go to bed. I didn’t expect to see Luke, and I did not expect to have all these feelings.

  Part of me wanted to listen to my heart and dive right in. I wanted to know how he had changed. Every time I got the courage to look in his eyes, I could see the difference in him. He had a new depth in his eyes—sorrow and loss lived there now. He had been places, seen things that I hadn’t experienced with him. I was afraid of the differences as much as I was compelled by them.

  Lately, I had been letting my fears dictate my life, and I needed to stop. But were some fears valid? Luke had left me once; he could do it again. I still didn’t trust him, no matter how much my heart screamed at me to let him in.

  “Lily, I know that look on your face. You overthink, then you freak out.” I was in the kitchen with Rose. We were scrambling eggs and assembling various breakfast sandwiches. Violet, Nick, and Finn were up front handling customers. I looked up at Rose, who was brandishing a dripping whisk at me and accusing me of—the truth. I did overthink. I was doing it just now.

  “I’m just worried. This is happening too fast. This is crazy, right? Tell me it’s crazy, Rose, tell me we’re moving too fast. That’s how I feel, and no one seems to understand. I don’t even understand.”

  “It is fast.” She put the whisk back in the bowl of eggs, then smiled softly at me. “But it’s fate, Lily. I remember you two together. Don’t you? You could have it all back. You and Luke light each other up. I believe in soul mates and true love and destiny and all that stupid crap because of you. I had a front row seat to your love story. Sure, you two were sometimes so sappy I thought I was going to puke, but it was beautiful too. Get out of your head. Listen to your heart a little bit.”

  Tears filled my eyes. I was so tired of crying. “I’m scared to trust him. Why do you trust him so much, Rose? Why can’t I?”

  “Duh, you have the most to lose. We would lose a childhood friend, a sort-of brother. You would lose everything—again. But think of it this way, if you don’t try, you’ve already lost.”

  When did she get so much better at this emotional stuff than me? Rose was the least sentimental person I knew. She started whisking eggs again. “Suck it up, Lily. Don’t be such a pussy,” she muttered.

  Okay, that sounded more like Rose. I’d been getting worried for a second. “I’ll talk to him today. We need to sort some things out.”

  Rose looked up at me and shook her head slightly. “Don’t jerk him around, Lily. Be in or be out, okay?”

  I wasn’t trying to jerk him around. Was I doing that? I sighed and pulled out my phone to check my texts, and it reminded me that I’d had two hang-up calls last night on the landline at Gram’s. I needed to make time to talk to my dad about that.

  “I won’t jerk him around.” I looked up from the sandwich I was wrapping. “Was Luke planning to come by? Did he talk to you?”

  Rose avoided my eyes and shrugged.

  “Is Lily here today?” I heard Luke ask from out front.

  “Yeah, she’s in back. Lily!” Finn shouted my name, and I jumped.

  “You’ll be okay, Lily. I got it back here. Go talk to him. I wouldn’t keep pushing you toward him if I didn’t believe in this from the bottom of my heart. I love you. I love him too. He’s the extra brother I never wanted but I’m glad I have. Remember what I told you before.”

  “Remember what?” She’d told me a lot before.

  “Get out of your head and don’t be a pussy. Go get your man back.”

  I rolled my eyes and crossed to the kitchen door. Peeking out of the window of the kitchen door I saw Luke leaning on the end of the counter, waiting for me. I stepped back quickly. He looked different—again. I sighed a
nd tried not to stare. His face was visible, the angle of his strong square jaw, his high cheekbones, and his luscious lips.

  Opening the door, I stepped out. His hair was still long but swept back neatly giving me the desire to sink my fingers into it. He was looking hot in a white button-down shirt tucked into his dark-wash jeans. The way it stretched across his broad chest when he turned and waved to me made my jaw drop a little bit as my eyes moved up and down his body, blatantly checking him out and liking what I saw.

  I took a step toward him, then one more. I managed to smile. “Hi, Luke,” I murmured and looked past him, out the window. Trying to get up the courage to break our date.

  “Lily, we need to talk,” he said.

  Huh? That was my line. “Oh, we do?” Of course, we did. That was my plan. I felt thwarted. Foiled. And a little confused. Did he come over here looking all hot and handsome to throw me off?

  “Come to my office with me.” He took my hand and led me quickly through the shop and out the door.

  I followed at his side, clutching his hand. I had to jog to keep up. “Slow down, Luke. I have short legs, dang it,” I managed to say.

  He slowed as we approached the door to his building. He held it open, and I crossed through. The log cabin mountain theme was in full effect in the lobby. It was all about wood paneling and dark green accents, leather furniture and heavy wooden tables. We headed to a set of double doors with McCabe Contracting engraved on a large plaque next to them. We passed through a small reception area with a dark brown leather couch, some wooden chairs around a low table, and a desk set up for a secretary or receptionist. But no one was here. He unlocked a door that had a small sign with his name on it, and I followed him into the spacious office. It was nice.

  “I like your desk, oh and your couch. Did you decorate your office?” I asked.

  “What? No. It was like this. I guess Dad did, or he hired a decorator.”

  He closed the door behind us and turned to face me. He looked me up and down with a smile on his face. Kind of like I did to him a few minutes ago.

  I blushed. Yes, I’d dressed up. I had on my best skinny jeans. They sucked in the little pooch that wouldn’t go away no matter how many walks I went on with my kids or how many crunches I did not do. I was wearing Rose’s heels and my best bra. It pushed the girls way up, and I was nursing, so they were impressive, not to brag or anything. I had borrowed a cute blouse from Rose—red and flowy with spaghetti straps—Luke’s favorite color. I had hoped that if I gave good boob, it would distract him from getting upset when I postponed our date. I knew now that was foolish. Luke wasn’t a simple guy.

  I felt a little silly. I had planned to distract him, but his very fine-looking presence was distracting me from what I needed to do. “Luke—”

  He looked at me expectantly and started to roll up his shirtsleeves. I stopped talking and watched him. Wow, he had nice forearms. All tattooed and strong, there were a few delicious-looking veins running up and down and—Gah! Did he have the same plan I did? To distract me? Well, it was working. Apparently, he was a better person than me. He hadn’t looked at my boobs once, save for the up and down look from before. But nothing lingering.

  Have I lost it?

  I shook my head.

  Focus.

  “We need to postpone our date. We have to slow down so we can be sure. I don’t want to hurt Dylan.” It was out. I’d said it.

  “Stop worrying. I’m sure.” His voice was firm and unwavering, and his face was like stone. I knew that look, that stubborn look. He was going to push me and not give in. That look was how we’d ended up skydiving on our twentieth birthday. Yeah, so it was exhilarating and sort of fun, but still—Lily liked to keep her feet on the ground.

  He took a step in my direction and I stepped away as I gazed up at him with big eyes. I was in trouble. He knew how he was affecting me. “How can you be so sure?” I asked. I found myself up against the back of his desk, so I leaned on it in an attempt to appear casual. “We’re different, Luke. It’s been a long time. You don’t really know me anymore. What if you get to know me again, and I annoy you? I’m a worrier and I can be a pain.” I crossed my arms under my breasts, hugging myself. The air conditioning was ridiculous in here. He looked! He licked his lips and stared at my chest. Ha! I still got it. But why did I want it? I was supposed to be trying to break our date.

  He rolled his eyes. “Lily, you always did worry a lot. That’s not new. As for anything else that may come up, I don’t care. It will be worth it.” He took another step in my direction, then he crossed his arms over his chest, mirroring my pose. His biceps bulged, and I quickly looked away.

  Were we playing a game? I rejected that idea. Luke was too good for games. But he wasn’t too good to push me out of my comfort zone, an area we were rapidly approaching.

  I cleared my throat. “I’m not trying to … end things or break up. I just want to go slower. Why can’t we do that?”

  “It’s just a date, Lily. I’m not asking you to marry me—yet.” His irresistible half grin was back, only this time I could see it better because of his trimmed beard.

  My head snapped back to him. I held on to the edge of the desk. It wasn’t just a date. Nothing would ever be that simple with him. There were too many feelings and expectations involved. And that was just between the two of us. Throw in my family and Dylan, and the complication level went up exponentially.

  “I’m not trying to hurt your feelings and I’m really not trying to jerk you around. I’m just … I can’t …” Why couldn’t I explain how I felt?

  Maybe because I don’t know how I feel.

  “Luke, what if we try to be together, and it doesn’t work out?” I finally said.

  “What if we try, and we are happier than we were before?” he countered.

  I closed my eyes. I couldn’t stand to see the hope in his, not when I felt so hopelessly confused.

  “Lily, you can’t live in what-ifs. I did that. What if I hurt you in my sleep? But what if I had fought for you back then? Fought for myself? We could have been happy this whole time. I wouldn’t have missed out on years with my son. Do you want to dwell on something that might never even happen? Or do you want to make something we both want a reality?” His eyes bored into mine. I couldn’t look away from him, even if I wanted to. His voice gentled. “When you are with me, I forget about everything except you, me, and the kids. You all make me happy. I stop obsessing about the past and the struggles, and I’m just Luke again. I don’t want to lose that.”

  “I don’t want to keep Dylan from you. I don’t want to not see you anymore. I just need to slow—”

  He cut me off. “Do you ever miss me, Lily?” I was floored by this question. Floored, then pissed.

  “How can you ask me that? You know what I went through trying to get to you. We talked about it yesterday.” I felt myself getting emotional again. I had been on a roller coaster since I got home, and it had to stop. I stood straight.

  He flinched. “That’s not what I meant. I’m sorry. I mean now, since we’ve both been back, and you have an understanding about why I did what I did. Do you ever think about us? How it was when we were together?”

  I turned away and shook my head, tears welling up.

  “Lily, please talk to me, look at me.”

  I faced him. “Yes,” I hissed. “I can’t stop thinking about it. But I don’t want to do this now. It shouldn’t be this way, Luke.”

  He had never turned away from me. “What way?” he asked gently.

  “It was never supposed to be this complicated,” I blurted.

  He looked stricken for a second, then controlled his expression. I kept getting the feeling that he was hiding how he really felt, that he held something back.

  “I spent years angry with you, Luke—and so hurt. I know now that you didn’t deliberately abandon Dylan. But for years, it was like an open wound that never healed. I have so many feelings coming up, and it scares me. I’m not ready for th
is. I don’t want to need you. I don’t want to want you like I do. I didn’t want to feel this way ever again. I don’t think I can do this.” Tears filled my eyes as I turned to gaze out of the window behind his desk.

  His footsteps sounded behind me as he approached. With a gentle hand, he turned me. “What are you afraid of?”

  “Pain!” I cried. “I’m afraid of how much it will hurt when I lose you again. I couldn’t take it. I can’t stand the thought of it. My anger is gone, Luke. That anger is what kept the pain of losing you from overwhelming me.” I wanted to look away, but his eyes held mine captive, and I couldn’t.

  “If you’re not angry anymore, then talk to me. We can get through this—” he pleaded.

  I cut him off. I felt like I was losing hold of myself, of the things that kept me safe and secure—and lonely. “God, Luke, what do you want from me?” I shouted.

  His face changed from pleading to determined. “I want you to listen to me. I want you to forgive me. Then I want you to love me again. I want to kiss you when I feel like it, to touch you because you’re mine. I want you in my house, in my bed, back in my life the way we always intended.” He paused, and I stared at him transfixed as his voice gentled. “You’re going to marry me, Lily. We will raise our kids together and have a beautiful life. I want you back, and I will do everything you need, anything it takes to make you believe that I can’t live without you anymore.” The look in his eyes changed from frustration to tenderness undoing the fear that held me back. “Don’t shut me out, Lily. Don’t make the mistakes I made. You need me as much as I need you. I promise I won’t push you away ever again, I won’t leave—”

  “Luke, stop.” I covered my ears with my hands and turned back to the window. I couldn’t look at his pleading eyes for one more second, or I would give in. Deep down, I wanted him as much as he wanted me. But I was terrified of going down that path again.