by Nora Everly
“You’ll stay with your parents.” He sighed.
I kissed him back and clung to him. “I just need some time. Everything in my life has changed. Don’t give up on me. Please.” I stared up into his eyes.
“I’ll never give up on you. I will wait forever if I have to. In this life and into the next, I swear it.” He was adamant.
I buried my face where his neck met his shoulder and felt his soft beard against my cheek. “I love you, Luke,” I whispered.
His arms convulsed, squeezing me tighter. He pulled back, kissed my forehead, then answered, “I love you too. You taught me what love is. I don’t know what I would do without you now. When I was gone, I would remember things like this, holding you, being close to you.”
I rested my head on his chest and let him hold me. I felt his warmth seep into my skin and let him take my fear away.
The headlights of Dad’s police SUV broke our moment as he headed toward the house, with Cade’s cruiser following close behind. They parked, then headed for the front door, guns drawn. Dad put his hand up, indicating we should stay in the truck. He followed swiftly behind Cade, then they disappeared up the dark walkway and into the house.
I shuddered, suddenly overcome with cold fear. “I hate this,” I whispered. “I hate everyone being in danger because of me.”
“How is any of this because of you? And don’t say it—it isn’t even because of Will. It’s because of some asshole Will probably busted thinks he can mess with you because he’s dead. He can’t, everything will be okay, I’ll make sure of it.”
Another police cruiser pulled up behind us, and two of the officers on Dad’s force exited and headed into the house. I held fast to Luke; my eyes glued to the dark-as-pitch front porch.
The not knowing was driving me crazy. Not knowing made my tendency to assume the worst go into overdrive. My imagination conjured up some horrific possibilities—most of which were not reality based, some of which involved serial killers, and one involved aliens. I couldn’t take it anymore. I blew out a sigh and stiffened when I saw my dad come through the front door.
Luke gathered me close and whispered, “Whatever happens, We’ll fix it. You’ll be safe, Lily.” He shifted me back into my seat and ordered me to stay inside the truck as he exited to talk to my dad. I stared out the window and tried to calm down. I got out of the truck, stumbling a little bit on my high heels. Luke caught me with an arm around my waist and didn’t let go.
“Whoever it was, they’re gone,” Dad informed us as he clipped his gun back into his shoulder holster.
“And they trashed Gram’s house. She’s going to have a fit. They were looking for something, did a thorough job of tearing the place up,” Cade added, shaking his head.
“Oh God, oh no.” I gasped. “Can I go in? I need my stuff. I was going to pack.”
“I’ll take you. Don’t touch anything unless I clear it first. Got me?” Dad said. I nodded and took his hand. I heard Luke and Cade start talking as I headed up the front walkway with my dad. I waved at the other two officers as I passed through the living room to go upstairs. They nodded back to me.
“Good thing your mom packed up the kids already,” Dad remarked as we walked by their trashed bedrooms.
I nodded. I was too overcome with the mess I was seeing to respond.
“Lily, we’ll clean it up.” He squeezed my hand. I held his tight as tears started to fill my eyes. I quickly blinked them back. We got to my room, and I stopped dead in the doorway next to Dad. Who would do such a thing? I mean, you could search a place without destroying it completely, couldn’t you? I didn’t know if it was anger or fear that I felt.
“Go ahead and pack some clothes, Lily,” he said.
I looked around in the small walk-in closet. The clothes were mostly on the floor, pulled off the hangers, the previously folded stacks on the shelves in complete disarray as well. Some of the clothes were just tossed to the floor outside the closet and all over the stripped bed with its mattress askew, and the ripped-open pillows tossed here and there. Gram’s beautiful quilt was under my feet, and I quickly stepped off it. I stared at it all, suddenly not wanting to touch any of it. Not wanting my hands to be where his had been. I stumbled backward, away from the closet. Dad caught me before I tripped over a pile of my books that had been tossed from the shelf in the corner.
He hugged me tight against him and guided me out of the room. Tears filled my eyes as I held on to my dad and let him lead me outside. I couldn’t look at the destruction. It was ugly. It was chaos. I felt it sink into me; it felt like that’s what my life had become, a hideous chaotic mess. Someone was trying to hurt me, maybe even my family and my kids and I had no control. I shut my eyes against the rising panic and followed Dad outside. Luke didn’t need to see me freak out, so I beat it back and walked straight into his arms.
“You’re not taking anything?” he asked. I saw Dad shake his head at Luke.
“No, I … maybe tomorrow I can do it. Right now, I don’t want to touch any of it.” I felt his chin move against the top of my head as he nodded. “I’ll ride home with my dad, so you don’t have to drive all the way out to the house. Will I see you tomorrow?” I pulled my face out of his chest and looked up at him as I asked.
“I’ll come by first thing in the morning.” He kissed me and brushed my hair back over my shoulder. “Call me if you need me, I mean it.” He looked at Dad. “Make her call me if she needs me.”
Dad grinned and nodded. “Will do, Luke. See you in the morning. Bring Rocky. The kids are missing him.”
Luke lifted his chin, kissed me one more time, then went to his truck and took off.
I hugged Cade and thanked him, then climbed into Dad’s SUV. It was a quiet drive home. I let the dark night outside consume me as I stared out the window. It matched how I felt inside.
18
Lily
Mom got up from the couch and rushed over to me the second I crossed through the front door. It felt good to be engulfed by her, like when I was a child. Bumps, bruises, and hurt feelings could always be soothed by my mother. I doubted that this situation could though.
I hugged her back as she offered me some hot chocolate and banana bread. I was always willing to be distracted by sweets, so it was easy to say yes and follow her into the kitchen. Ash was sitting at a stool at the center island, sipping his own mug of hot chocolate. I saw the bottle of Bailey’s next to his plate and smiled. Even better. Then I frowned when I remembered I couldn’t drink it. I’d already had alcohol tonight and would be pumping and dumping soon.
“Are you okay, Lily?” Ash asked as I sat next to him on a stool.
I nodded as Mom passed me a slice of banana bread and the Keurig bubbled and brewed out the hot chocolate.
“I laid out some pajamas for you, and you can use my bathroom. Just borrow whichever face wash and lotion and stuff you need, honey,” Mom said and handed me my mug.
“Thanks. How were the kids?” It was past their bedtime, and Dad had already told me they were asleep on our drive home.
“Perfect as usual. Calla has been asleep for about three hours, and Dylan is crashed out with Mark and Mara on the pullout couch upstairs in the living room. They all fell asleep during the movie.”
“Good. That’s good.” I nodded blankly and watched as Ash and Mom exchanged a look. I didn’t want to participate in their nonverbal conversation, so I ignored it and sipped my drink. I cupped my hands around the warm mug to take my sudden chill off. I took another sip and stared out the French doors to the dark outside. I felt a wave of panic coming on as I thought about everything that had happened today.
“Want a bubble bath? I’ll run one for you. Yes, come upstairs and have a soak in my tub. I have lavender bubbles. Lavender is very relaxing,” Mom suddenly offered.
I blinked and turned my head toward her. I was bothered by the concern in her voice, then felt like a brat for being bothered. I just wanted to blank out this entire day.
“I
just want a shower, then I’m going to bed. Where is the baby monitor?”
“I’ll keep it, and you can get some sleep. You look tired.”
“Mom, I can take care of Calla. I’m fine,” I insisted as I reached for the monitor.
Mom and Ash exchanged another look.
I was officially annoyed. “Seriously, I’m fine.”
“I’m crashing on the other couch upstairs, right across from the kids. You don’t have to worry about Dylan,” Ash said.
“Thanks, Ash,” I said as I rinsed out my mug and set it in the sink. I hugged my mom, took the baby monitor from her, and headed upstairs. “Good night. Thanks for watching the kids,” I added. I showered, went to bed and fell into a restless sleep.
I woke up to the sound of Calla crying in the monitor. Disoriented, I looked around the room, trying to figure out where I was. Home, I remembered as I got up. I dragged myself into the nursery and saw Mom had beat me there. She had just picked Calla up. She jumped when she turned around and saw me in the doorway.
“Hey, honey, I heard her wake up. You can go back to sleep, if you like,” she offered as she cuddled Calla.
I shook my head. “I need some water. And I have a headache. Do you have any Advil?” My head was pounding almost as hard as my heart was.
“In the kitchen,” Mom said. She cradled my cheek with her palm, then felt my forehead with the back of her hand like she used to do when I was a kid. “Come on, I’ll get you both fixed up.” I nodded and followed her to the kitchen. Bypassing the island, I decided to sit at the small table by the window. I watched in a daze as she meandered around the kitchen, warming a bottle for Calla, filling a glass for me.
I looked out the bay window behind me. It was so dark tonight. Anything could be happening right outside the window, and I wouldn’t be able to see it. I turned back around and focused on Mom and Calla again. But I could still feel the dark behind me. I was too close to it. I got up quickly, knocking over the chair behind me. “Oh, sorry,” I mumbled as I bent to pick it up. My head spun as I stood, my headache making it pound from the quick change in direction.
“It’s fine, honey. Just sit down,” Mom said.
I didn’t answer. I just stumbled clumsily back into my chair. My heart was pounding so hard I could hear it. I could feel it in my head. I tried taking a deep breath, but it didn’t help. I felt my chest expand and contract, but it was as if no air went in. I started to pant. The shallow breaths made me feel light-headed.
What is wrong with me?
Every sound in the house echoed in my ears. I jumped out of my chair, knocking it over again as I heard someone at the front door. I ran into the living room to stop them from hurting Mom and Calla. I stopped fast, bumping into the couch when I saw it was just my dad, home from work.
My heart pounded like a bass drum in my chest. Every beat jolted my body like a shock. My chest felt tight, constricted, crushed like an elephant was standing on it. I pressed my hands to my sternum, trying to slow it down, to ease the pressure.
Was my heart breaking?
My head spun. I could see my mom talking to me, but all I could hear was my heartbeat. All I could feel was the dark outside, getting in. I couldn’t let it get in. I turned and ran back into the kitchen. I had to close the curtains. I had to keep the dark out. I ran faster when I heard someone running behind me. I heard my mom yelling. “Ben! Ben!”
I ran through the archway that led into the kitchen and crashed into someone. I fell backward and landed on my ass on the floor. I got to my knees and started crawling toward the window. I tried to scream when I felt hands at my upper arms, lifting me up. No sound came out. I tried again, and all I could hear was gasping. The hands at my arms turned me around, and I saw my dad in front of me.
Oh, thank God.
“I’m having a heart attack.” I managed to gasp out. “Am I going to die?” I felt hot tears start to leak out of my eyes, and I brushed them away.
“Honey, you’re only thirty years old. This is no heart attack. But I’m pretty sure you are having a panic attack.” Dad’s hand was at my wrist. “Your heartbeat is fast, but you’re not going to die.” He scooped me up and carried me to the couch in the living room. He sat down with me sideways across his lap, like when I was a little girl.
“Dahlia, call an ambulance. Better to be safe,” he said.
“I already did. They’re on the way. It’s okay, honey. The paramedics will be here in two minutes.” Calla started to cry. I tried to get up, but Dad held me firmly in his arms.
“Stay still, sweetheart, rest.” I struggled against his hold. I had to get to my baby.
“Calla. She needs me,” I argued.
“Your mama has the baby. She’s okay, she’s okay, everything’s going to be okay, I’ve got you, and you’re safe. I won’t let anything happen to my girls,” he crooned as he stroked my hair and pressed my cheek back into his chest.
“Calla is fine, honey. She just needs a bottle. See?” Mom rushed back through the archway that divided the family room and kitchen and sat down on the chair across from the couch.
I could see that Calla was fine and slurping away at her bottle. I nodded and relaxed back into Dad’s arms.
“Am I crazy?” I whispered.
“No, darlin’, you’re not crazy. You’ve had one hell of a day. In fact, you’ve had one hell of a last two years. And I’m glad that you’re here with me and your mom when it all finally hit you. This was bound to happen,” he answered.
“You keep everything inside, Lily,” Mom said. “It has to come out. If you won’t let it, it will force its own way out.”
I nodded as tears crept down my cheeks to land on my chest. I had done this to myself.
The front door burst open, and Cade ran in, followed by Levi and a paramedic I didn’t recognize. Great, Mom called 911, and of course my brothers were going to respond.
Cade rushed over to me and knelt in front of the couch. “Lily,” he said, then he looked up at Dad. “What’s wrong?”
“Cade, move,” Levi ordered as he rushed over. He was wearing a paramedic uniform and brandished a case full of supplies. He’d been a paramedic before becoming a firefighter. I didn’t know he still did it.
“Panic attack,” Dad said, and I closed my eyes in embarrassment.
Levi nodded and put a blood pressure cuff on my arm. He smiled at me and patted my leg. I had never had a panic attack before. I had been anxious. I had freaked out a little bit here and there. But I had never lost my shit to the point that I didn’t know what was going on. It scared me.
“I think I’m okay now,” I said.
Levi nodded his agreement. “Pressure is normal,” he said as he removed the cuff. “How do you feel? Want to ride in the ambo?” He grinned at me.
I shook my head. “No thanks, Levi. I’m just embarrassed now.”
“Nothing to be embarrassed about, Lil. Feel better, okay?”
I nodded as he packed up his bag and left with his partner.
I shifted off Dad’s lap and tucked myself into the corner of the couch. Cade pulled a throw blanket from the chair he was sitting on and covered me. I burrowed under it and thought about my life and how I’d screwed it up. I’d lost my mind tonight. Now that I was thinking clearly, I was horrified that I’d let myself get so out of control. My mother was probably right. I kept too much inside. What I had been doing was not working.
In the spirit of change … “Mom, will you take care of Calla tonight? I think you were right, and I need to sleep.”
She sat there and just blinked at me. I must have shocked her. “Yes. Yes, I will. And you can sleep in too. Lily, you don’t have to worry about a thing,” she said with a huge smile.
I needed to get it through my head that she wanted to help me. Accepting her help did not make me weak, or needy. It made me smart. No one could do it all. What had happened to me tonight was all the proof I needed. I thought about Calla and Dylan as adults. Would I still want to be there for them? Be
a part of their lives? I absolutely would, and I would be hurt if they didn’t let me. I needed help. I was drowning and exhausted, and I felt ridiculous.
“Thank you for taking care of me,” I said and leaned over to hug my dad. He squeezed me back.
I got up and kissed my mom on the cheek. “I love you, Mom,” I whispered. I took a step back and almost crashed into Cade. Wow, he was fast.
He wrapped me into a big bear hug. “You can talk to me, Lily. I expect you to. Please?” he whispered in my ear.
I nodded against his chest. Best brother ever. To be fair, I could say that about any one of my brothers, but Cade was right here, so he got the honor for the moment.
“Promise,” I whispered back after he let me go. “I’m going to crash,” I announced. “Good night, guys.”
After I crawled back into bed, I thought again about the day I’d had—the car chase, my stolen phone, the awesome date with Luke. But this time, I thought about how I felt about all of it. I never thought about how I felt. I mean, I had feelings, but I usually just ended up trying to bury them and get on with it. I stared up at the dark ceiling, trying to analyze my day.
Is this what people do?
If I didn’t know how to process what I felt, then I couldn’t process my confusion about how to process my feelings.
Gah, I’m an idiot.
My eyes shot to the door as it opened and light from the hallway shined in. My mom stood in the doorway. I could feel her eyes on me, probably checking on me.
“I’m awake,” I said. I saw her smile at me as she crossed the threshold and closed the door behind her.
She threw back the covers and crawled in the bed next to me. “Come here,” she demanded, opening her arms.
I turned to face her and just stared at her.
“Come here,” she repeated. I scooted over, and she wrapped her arms around me and pulled my face to her chest.
At first, I just lay there stiffly, unable to relax.