by Nora Everly
“Shhhh,” she whispered in my ear.
I remembered that—that whispery hush in my ear when my mom used to hold me and comfort me as a child. Tears filled my eyes, and I melted into her arms, just like when I was a little girl.
“Shhhh, you’re okay now.”
I wrapped my arm around her waist and tucked my other hand under my cheek.
“You don’t need to talk right now if you don’t want to. But you do need to let me be here for you,” she said.
I nodded against her, and she hugged me tighter.
“I don’t know what I’m doing,” I whispered.
“Oh, honey, none of us do,” she whispered back.
I didn’t believe that. She always seemed to have the answers. “You do,” I insisted.
“Just yesterday, I was crying to Gram and Auntie Delphine because you wouldn’t talk to me and I was worried about you.”
Surprised, I glanced up at her face, and she smiled at me. “Oh,” I said.
She wiped the tears from my cheek and squeezed me tighter. “You used to talk to me, until you were about five or six.” She laughed softly. “After that, you were all about Luke and Rose. I would see you three, whispering to each other, giggling together, and it made me happy and sad at the same time. Happy that you were all so close, but sad because you’re my baby and I wanted you to confide in me too. Rose wasn’t quiet like you. She let it all hang out, no secrets with that one. You were always my little mystery girl.”
“I don’t talk to Luke like that anymore. We went out tonight and—I don’t even know what he did for all these years when he was home on leave. I have never met Liam before, and they were friends when we were still together. He has secrets, or just stuff he doesn’t want to talk about. He thinks he has to protect me. I don’t like that. I don’t expect to know every little detail about his life without me, but I don’t like how it makes me feel. I feel like I can’t talk freely. It feels like there are things that will push him away if I say them out loud,” I confided. It felt good to talk to her. Those thoughts were like thorns, poking me from the inside, and now they were out.
“He’s been through a lot. It probably hurts to talk about some of it. He’s in therapy. I can only assume he’s getting it out that way,” she said.
“That’s good, but—I guess I feel left out. We used to talk about everything, and it was easy.”
“He’s always put you on a pedestal. But after you two fell in love, I could tell that he was sort of in awe of you, like he got lucky and didn’t want to ruin it.”
I nodded. When we’d first got together, I thought I was the luckiest girl in the world to have a boyfriend who was so romantic and giving. “That was becoming a problem between us. Sometimes I wanted to be the one to take care of him, to comfort him or just talk about what he was going through. But then he got hurt, and it was too late because he was gone,” I said.
“Did you talk about it back then? The distance between the two of you?” she asked.
I didn’t want to admit the truth, but I did it anyway. “No. I didn’t. I just waited for him to tell me on his own. I would ask questions, and I wouldn’t argue when he deflected them. I never told him it bothered me.”
“Honey, you aren’t exactly an open book, you know. You keep everything inside. If you want him to be open, you have to do it too.”
“I could tell he was hurting. I didn’t want to make it worse. Instead, I caused a problem.”
“I don’t think either one of you caused it. It just grew from each of you trying to protect the other. Luke was never any good at asking for what he needed. I blame his dad. After Diana died, Chuck closed himself off, and Luke was pretty much alone in that house. Jed and I tried to get him to let Luke live here or move in with Jed. But Chuck wouldn’t hear of it. What would people think?”
I looked up at her, surprised. I never knew she tried to get Luke away from his dad.
“I know,” she exclaimed. “You need to seduce him.”
My head shot back at that odd change of topic. What?
“What?” I said, shocked.
“I’m not kidding myself. I know you guys have had sex before. Obviously. You have a child. But, just—jump him. Shock him. Get off that pedestal, Lily. You need to be on equal footing,” she suggested.
I was still agape. “What?” I repeated.
“Normally, I wouldn’t tell one of my daughters such a thing. But it’s Luke. He loves you, and he always has. He needs to see you as an equal, not as a fragile angel he needs to protect. So, yeah, seduce him. Wear something red and sexy and jump his bones.”
“Oh my God, so you’re telling me to use sex to get what I want?” I laughed.
“Normally, that would be terrible advice. But in this case, I think it might work. I love you both; you belong together. Sex muddles men’s brains. Get his mind good and muddled and make your point.”
She’s nuts, but she might be right. “I’ll think about it, but we’re not talking about this ever again.”
I felt her nod against the top of my head. “Okay, we won’t. But I’m not crazy. Get him alone, get him—um, happy. Then, after he’s happy and feeling close to you, start talking. But you must talk to him too. It won’t work if you expect him to bare all his deepest feelings and you keep yours to yourself. Now, I’m done, and I won’t bring it up again.”
“Thanks, Mom, for the insane advice, and for checking on me.”
She laughed. “You’re welcome, honey. Thanks for letting me be here with you. I missed you, Lily.” She kissed my cheek, then got up. “Sleep tight. Love you, baby.”
“Love you too. Good night.” She closed the door behind her. When the dark hit, I shut my eyes and fell asleep.
19
Lily
I awoke to the sun, bright on my face, and a lightness in my chest. I had made the decision to take hold of the many hands held out to me, and the dread I had been buried under fell away as I let my family’s love lift me up. Luke and I had been walking on parallel paths, alone in our worries and struggling to find common ground with each other. We didn’t realize that our pain was partially caused by our own stubborn refusal to just ask for what we needed and accept the love and care that was being offered so generously. I lost a lot of my fears last night, but one remained. I feared that Luke would not see what I now saw. Love goes both ways. You can’t just give it; you’ve got to take it too. I wouldn’t let Luke get away this time, and I wouldn’t close my heart to my family ever again. I was giddy with hope and relief, and I would not let fear get in the way of my life ever again.
I heard giggling at the door, then someone shushing the gigglers.
“I’m up! Come in!” I called and braced when the door flew open and I saw three six-year-olds rush through, clearly ready to jump on the bed, and therefore me. Dylan, Mark, and Mara. I prepared to be tackled.
“Auntie Lily!”
“Mommy!”
But there was no tackling, no jumping. Just cuddly snuggles.
“Good morning. Did you have fun last night?” My question was interrupted by Rocky bounding through the door and hopping up to join me and the kids in our cuddle pile. A cold nose butted up against mine, then he licked my cheek in greeting. I looked up and saw Luke in the doorway, holding Calla and grinning at me.
I smiled back. “Come on, Luke, don’t be scared.”
Chuckling, he made his way to the bed and sat next to me.
I grabbed Calla and kissed her cheeks.
She patted my face and kissed my nose.
“Are you better, Auntie Lily?” Mara asked as she felt my forehead. “Daddy said you were sick last night.”
Luke turned sharply toward me and studied my face.
“I’m fine now, Mara. You don’t have to worry.” I sat Calla on my lap and pulled Mara into a side hug. She hugged me back, then got up.
“Let’s go see if Grandma will make pancakes for breakfast,” she said to the boys.
Mark got up to follow, but
Dylan stayed put.
“I’ll come in a minute,” he said and moved to sit on my other side. “Are you really better? I heard Uncle Levi talking about your pressure and your blood. I was on the stairs listening. Uncle Ash made me come back to bed. He said you were going to be okay, and I should go back to sleep, so you won’t worry about me. So, are you okay? What was on your arm?” My eyes closed, then I opened them, ready to face it all head-on.
“I had an anxiety attack.”
Luke’s arm tightened around me, but he didn’t say a word.
“I got too tired and too worried. I woke up to get Calla when she cried, and I wasn’t thinking clearly. I scared Grandma and Grandpa, and they called an ambulance. Uncle Levi was the paramedic who came over. Uncle Cade came too.”
“I saw Grandpa carry you. I saw you sitting on his lap,” Dylan said, clearly still worried about me.
“I’m sorry you saw that. I’m sorry that I scared you. But I’m okay now. I let them help me feel better, and I’ll keep letting them help, so I don’t get so tired again. I promise I’m okay, Dylan.”
He hugged me, and I felt him nod against my side.
“I love you, bug,” I whispered.
“I love you too, Mommy. Is Luke going to take care of you too?”
“Yes. I am. I’m always going to take care of your mom. And you too, Dylan. I’m sorry I wasn’t here last night. I would have been if I’d known you needed me.”
I looked up at Luke. “It happened fast. I had been asleep. Maybe I should have called you, but I just went back to bed when it was over. The kids were okay. Ash and everyone were here.”
“Lily, if you’re about to apologize to me, don’t. I understand, and I’m here now. Don’t worry.”
I nodded, then he leaned forward and kissed me softly. On the lips.
“You kissed my mom.”
Uh-oh. No, it might as well all come out. I wasn’t letting Luke go, so this was a done deal anyway.
“I love your mom,” Luke said. So simple, as it should be. As it would be.
“And I love Luke. And we both love you,” I added.
“Do you love Calla?” Dylan asked Luke. That odd, grown-up look was on his face again, showing me the kind of big brother he was, and what kind of man he would become.
“How could I not?” Luke answered. “She might just be the cutest baby girl I’ve ever seen. Plus, she’s yours, and your mom’s. She might not be my blood, but she has all of my love, like you do, Dylan.”
I fought back happy tears as I watched Dylan launch himself into Luke’s arms.
“I love you, Dad,” he whispered.
“Love you too. And I always will. All of you, I promise,” he whispered back.
I leaned into Luke, and he wrapped an arm around me. Calla snuggled into my side, and Rocky burrowed his way into Dylan and Luke’s hug. I heard a muffled sob and looked up in time to see my mom wipe her eyes and rush past the doorway.
After we all had breakfast together, and after we said goodbye to the kids and my family, we were in Luke’s truck headed to drop Rocky off at Jed’s, me at Violet’s, and Luke was heading to the office to meet with Liam. We were talking about nothing, listening to music, and enjoying the sunny summer morning when we were interrupted by Luke’s phone ringing over the Bluetooth connection in the car. He pressed the button on the steering wheel and answered. “Hey, Liam.”
“Luke,” he said.
I snapped to attention. He didn’t sound right.
“I’ll meet you tomorrow. I’m not feeling well,” Liam said. I did not like the way he sounded; it made me uneasy.
“Sure, man. Get some rest,” Luke answered and disconnected the call.
“I don’t like the way he sounded,” we said, almost in unison. Then Luke added, “I’m going to stop by and check on him.”
I nodded, glad that he’d noticed too.
Luke made a left off Main Street and headed up into the residential neighborhood on the bluff where Liam’s rental house was. I was tense in my seat. I didn’t know Liam well at all, but I was worried. Something in his voice had me seriously on edge. I glanced at Luke. He was tense as well, which only made me worry more. Hurry.
We pulled into Liam’s driveway, and the second I got my door open, Rocky launched himself from the back seat, over my shoulder to land on the floor of the truck by my feet. He jumped out of the truck and raced for the front door. He immediately started scratching the door and barking. Luke quickly followed him and pounded on the door.
“Liam, open up!” he shouted.
I hopped down and joined them. Worry and dread filled me. Rocky started whining, then howling, and Luke was still pounding on the door.
“Kick it in, Luke,” I said.
He didn’t stop to think about what I said, just took a step back and kicked hard. The door flew open, and Rocky rushed through our legs, darting past us like a light brown canine blur. I hurried after Luke through the entryway, something telling me to take out my phone and call 911, just in case.
“It’s not working,” Liam said. He was on his couch. Tears ran down his face, and he held a gun, lax in his grip, pointed at the coffee table. “Why won’t it work?” Rocky hopped up onto Liam’s lap and Luke carefully took the gun from Liam’s hand.
“The magazine isn’t in all the way. Jesus Christ, Liam.” Luke quickly unloaded and took the gun apart and placed it on a side table.
“I took a few of these too,” Liam said and gestured to a mostly full prescription bottle sitting next to a half-empty bottle of whiskey on the coffee table.
Rocky barked softly and burrowed into Liam’s side. Liam wrapped his arms around the dog and cried into his fur.
“Call nine-one-one,” Luke said to me.
“I already did; they’ll be here any minute,” I whispered.
He nodded at me, then went to sit by Liam on the couch.
“She died, Luke. She made me normal again, and she’s gone. I have nothing left. No one. I wasn’t even there when it happened. She was all alone,” he sobbed, and Rocky licked the tears from his cheek.
His grandmother?
“Shit, Liam, she’s gone?” Luke asked, and tears filled his eyes too. He blinked a few times to stop them from falling, then wrapped his arm around Liam’s shoulder. “Elsie’s gone?” he asked again. Liam nodded, and my heart broke for them both. Elsie, Liam’s grandmother. Obviously, she meant a lot to Luke as well. “I can’t believe it. I saw her yesterday. She was looking so much better. I’m so sorry.”
“What did I do?” Liam looked up, at me then at Luke. “Luke, what did I do?”
“You’ll be okay, Liam. We’re going to take care of you,” I said.
He looked at me with an almost imperceptible nod. “I’m sorry,” he whispered to Luke. “I didn’t want to be alone. What did I do?” He shut his eyes and sagged into Luke, from grief, or from the pills he took, I couldn’t tell.
Rocky whined, then licked and nudged Liam’s face. He barked in his ear, forcing Liam’s eyes to open.
“You’re not alone, Liam. Don’t apologize, not to me. You’ve pulled me back from the edge before, brother. It’s my turn. Stay with me, Liam.” Luke shook him. Liam was struggling to focus.
“I didn’t know how to tell you. I—”
We all jumped when we heard the sirens out front. I rushed to the door to let them in, forgetting that the door was already opened from when Luke had kicked it in.
The paramedics made quick work of loading Liam up in the ambulance. Luke turned to me. “I’m going with him. Can you take care of Rocky and get someone to fix the door?” He handed me his wallet and the keys to his truck. “Credit card is in there. I’ll pay for the door. Use my truck.” He kissed me hard and short. “Love you. I’ll call you.” Then they were both gone, and I was standing in the broken doorway with Rocky.
“Love you too,” I whispered, then patted Rocky and got down to the business of securing Liam’s house.
It was hours later. I had called a
nd texted Luke several times with no answer. I was getting frantic. It took some time to get someone to secure the door. Then embarrassingly have Rose pick me up because I was too short to drive Luke’s truck. I’d locked it up and left it in Liam’s driveway. Rose and I dropped Rocky off with my mom, then I decided to make the drive to the hospital and check on them myself.
I finally made it to Liam’s room and peeked in the doorway. He was lying in bed, his eyes opened when I stepped through.
“Lily. I’m sorry,” he said softly.
“Liam, there is nothing to be sorry for. I’m just glad you’re still here.” I crossed to him and took his hand. “I don’t know you that well yet, but I know enough to say I would miss you if you were gone.”
He smiled at me. I squeezed his hand.
“Is Luke still around here somewhere? He hasn’t been answering his phone.”
Liam’s eyes showed concern. “No, he left about an hour ago. He didn’t call you? He said he was going to.”
I shook my head.
“Go to him, Lily. He might try to push you away. Don’t let him. You take care of him, no matter what he says.”
I stood straighter. “He won’t push me away. I’m done with that. Any idea where he went?” Liam shook his head. “He said he was going to find you. Try his house.”
I leaned over and kissed his cheek. “You’re not alone, Liam. You’re family. You’re Uncle Liam now. Don’t forget it,” I whispered.
His body jolted back with surprise, then a small smile lit his face. “I won’t forget, Lily. Find our boy,” he murmured.
I nodded at him, then headed out.
20
Lily
I drove as quickly as I dared to Luke’s house.
I ran to the front door and pounded on it. No answer.
I tried the doorknob. Locked.
I stepped back to kick it in like Luke had done earlier, then reality struck me. No way could I kick in a door.
I pounded again, then rang the bell.