Fragile Longing

by Reilly, Cora

  That was the look in my eyes. It was empty and dejected. I didn’t recognize that hopeless shadow of a girl in front of me. I didn’t like her. After a quick shower, I dressed in simple shorts and a top.

  I just wanted to go back home and pretend this weekend never happened, but I wasn’t sure if I could. In a few months, I had to marry Danilo. Right now, I couldn’t even think about it. I never wanted to see him again.

  I grabbed my party clothes from the floor, rolled them into a tight ball, and threw them into the trash. Then I grabbed my discarded heels and hid them in the farthest corner of my closet before I stepped into the hallway.

  The house was quiet and peaceful. Maybe nobody was awake yet. I headed downstairs. I dreaded meeting my bodyguards, or worse Danilo or Santino. I wasn’t sure if I could handle a confrontation now. I needed time to come to terms with the situation. But the house was silent, and I would have thought I was alone if not for the scent of coffee.

  Before I could decide if I should head toward the kitchen, the door opened and Danilo appeared.

  Our eyes met.

  “Good morning.” He sounded calm and composed, but he didn’t look it. His clothes were wrinkled, and stubble covered his face.

  I peered into his eyes, hoping to see what he felt. But his eyes were guarded. “Good morning. Thank you for bringing me here.” This forced politeness felt safe, almost as if last night had never happened.

  Danilo nodded. “Do you want coffee?”

  “Yeah.”

  I followed him into the kitchen. He moved as if this was his place, as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened. It pissed me off.

  I sank down on a stool at the wooden kitchen table as Danilo poured me coffee. I took a sip, clutching the cup as if it were my lifeline. For a moment, he looked at me in a way that could be taken as affectionate, but then he cleared his throat and that polite mask I despised returned.

  “How do you feel?”

  I wasn’t sure how to answer that. I didn’t want to consider my emotions or the tight feeling in my chest and the hollowness in my belly.

  “Don’t you have to return to your lodge?” I asked.

  “Sofia,” he said gently. “Answer my question.”

  This man before me was not the same man I had encountered last night. Something flickered on his face, an emotion trying to break forth, but it didn’t.

  He waited and waited. The silence threatened to suffocate me. He was back to looking poised and in control, none of the aggression he had given off last night. Nothing that indicated anything had ever happened between us. And what had really happened between him and me? He’d thought I was someone else and wished that someone else was Serafina.

  “Sofia.” Impatience entered his tone, and I snapped. I couldn’t pretend nothing had happened. Couldn’t, wouldn’t give him the absolution he probably wanted.

  “It hurts,” I whispered harshly. “Between my legs, in my chest, everywhere. I should hate you.”

  Danilo gave a curt nod, then finally his eyes cut to me. I wished I knew what he was thinking, but maybe it was for the best that I didn’t. “I didn’t know it was you.”

  Didn’t he get it?

  I pressed my lips together. “Trust me, I know.”

  He nodded again as if he understood, but I doubted that he did. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “Listen, I sent Samuel a message, telling him I caught you and Anna at the party and drove you here.”

  I froze. “What?”

  His eyes became imploring. “I want to make sure your brother keeps a closer eye on you until our wedding, until I can protect you.”

  Mortification washed over me. “How much—” My voice cracked.

  “I didn’t tell him everything. I said I recognized you the moment you arrived at the party and drove you back immediately. I asked him not to tell anyone.”

  I swallowed. Samuel could keep a secret, no doubt, but would he?

  “He’s probably still passed out, so I don’t expect him to arrive until noon.”

  I barely heard him. I just wanted to curl up and cry.

  Danilo leaned closer to me, his voice soothingly gentle. “Sofia—”

  The door flew open and Anna stepped in. Her eyes zoomed in on me. She rushed over to me and hugged me tightly. When she pulled back, she scanned my face. “Sofia, what happened?”

  I swallowed. Santino entered the kitchen dressed in shorts and nothing else. He glared at Danilo, who returned the look with the same fervor. Tears began to rise into my eyes. Anna noticed, of course, and sank down in the chair beside mine. She narrowed her eyes at Danilo. “What did you do?”

  I grabbed her hand, squeezing hard to stop her. She snapped her lips shut, but I could tell that it cost her.

  “I need fresh clothes from you,” Danilo said to Santino. “We’re

  roughly the same size.”

  “Come,” Santino muttered.

  Danilo followed him, but before he left the kitchen, he turned and said, “I’ll say goodbye before I leave. Stay out of trouble.”

  I said nothing. I wanted to hit him, wanted to rage and scream, but I wasn’t that kind of person. Then he and Santino finally disappeared.

  Anna shook me. “Sofia, talk to me!”

  “Can we take a walk?” I asked, pushing to my feet.

  After grabbing our coats, Anna followed me down to the lake. Neither of us spoke for several minutes as we walked close to the shore. Our breath fogged in the cold morning air. Eventually, I stopped and stared out over the lake.

  Anna’s face twisted with worry. “What happened? Did Danilo hurt you?”

  How was I supposed to answer that question? Hurt didn’t begin to cover the anguish I felt.

  “Sofia, tell me what happened right now, or I’m going to send Santino after Danilo.”

  I doubted Santino would do anything, no matter what Anna said. We were all bound by this shared secret now.

  So, I told Anna everything, even as my cheeks flamed with shame. I needed to get this off my chest, and there was no one else I could talk to about this.

  Anna let me vent, and afterward she wrapped her arms around me. I felt marginally better after getting everything off my chest but still not like myself. But when was the last time I had really been myself? Now wasn’t the time to find my way back to her. I needed to fix myself first, and I would.

  I was still sore, and my chest ached in a way I’d only ever felt after Fina had been kidnapped, like my heart had literally been ripped into shreds.

  Anna looked like she wanted nothing more than to hunt Danilo down, but she just held me tight, her eyes glassy. “You need to stop, Sofia. You—”

  “I know,” I said. Her eyes widened in surprise. Anna had been telling me for years that I needed to stop trying to win over Danilo, to convince him of my worth. But I’d been so eager for his approval, his attention, his validation. I wanted him to see that I was more than a consolation prize, that I was as worthy as Fina had been. I’d changed whenever he’d been around, trying to adapt to his behavior, trying to anticipate his wishes. Trying to be whoever he wanted me to be.

  To become who I thought he wanted me to be, I’d lost myself. I’d sold myself short, given up my pride. Thinking of how proud Mom was, I felt ashamed of my actions.

  It would stop now. I was a prideful Mione woman, and it was time to act like one. Danilo be damned.

  “I think I lost myself.”

  “She’s still in there. You just lock her in way too often. Let her out. Before the thing with your sister, people liked you for who you were. Why shouldn’t they do the same now?”

  Tears burned in my eyes. “I’m not sure I know who I am anymore. Everything I’ve done these last few years has been to please others. I faded into the background to give Mom and Dad room for their sadness. I never asked Samuel for anything because I didn’t want him to think I was taking Fina’s place. I always adapted to everything around me. I was so stupid.”

  “Then stop. It’
s been years since Fina left. Everyone’s had enough time to mourn her, to miss her. It’s time to move on, to live in the present. What’s the use in dwelling in the past? You can’t change it.”

  I nodded. Even if I was ashamed to admit it, I barely missed Fina anymore and often even forgot all about her—until someone reminded me. Usually Samuel, Danilo, or my parents.

  I wanted to move on without the baggage of my sister’s memory, but I’d always felt terrible when I’d tried because my family obviously didn’t want the same.

  “Be selfish for once, Sofia. In this world, we women get so few choices, so little freedom. We have to grasp happiness by the collar and drag it with us. We can’t hope for happiness to jump into our lap. Be selfish. You deserve it.”

  I linked our hands. I wanted to be happy. “Let’s keep walking.”

  “Are you sure you don’t need to see a doctor?” Anna asked when I winced.

  “I’m sure,” I said firmly.

  “Santino could take us to a doctor who wouldn’t have to tell my dad or your dad anything. He knows enough people.”

  “I don’t need a doctor,” I repeated. Santino had looked ready to kill someone earlier. I doubted Anna would be able to blackmail him into doing much more, no matter what she had against him. “What I really need is hot chocolate.”

  Anna gave me a look. “You want me to get hot chocolate?”

  “Yes,” I said with a small smile. “I’m practicing being selfish.”

  Anna rolled her eyes but smiled. “Asking me to get hot chocolate after all you went through can’t really be classified as selfish. I think we need to practice more.”

  We made our way back to the lodge, and I settled in front of the fireplace, my legs curled up under my body and a fluffy blanket wrapped around me.

  “With mini marshmallows,” I called.

  Slowly, my smile died. Touching my belly, I thought of everything that had happened yesterday. How I’d expected the day to go when I’d gone over our plan with Anna in the morning and how far it had gone off course. I’d thought last night would end with a big revelation: Danilo realizing I was desirable and that he’d stop looking for a copy of Fina. Instead, it had ended with the realization that I’d given up myself to please someone else, and that whatever person you portrayed it would always be less than what your real self could be.

  I’d always considered myself a loyal person, but at the first chance, I’d stabbed myself in the back, ditched my true self for an image I thought I needed to be, and where had it gotten me?

  Danilo definitely hadn’t looked as if he suddenly saw my worth. He’d looked guilty, and worse, he pitied me. Of all the things I’d wanted from him, pity wasn’t one of them. But I supposed that’s what I deserved for being such an idiot.

  Even if last night had crushed my pride under its cruel boot, even if my actions could ruin me in our society’s eyes, I’d learned a valuable lesson. Danilo wasn’t the knight-in-shining armor I’d thought him to be. He wasn’t the broken-hearted gentleman who sought those blondes to find consolation. Last night, he’d been like a hunter who sought to satisfy his own base needs. Lust, revenge, and whatever else haunted him.

  But I was done finding excuses for his actions, done trying to be what he wanted, what he needed, because so far, he’d done nothing to deserve my kindness or affection.

  Anna was right. I needed to stand up for myself for the first time in years, not just against Danilo, but also against my family. I needed to make them see that while they’d lost Fina without a choice, they’d willingly given me up.

  I changed into Santino’s clothes and shaved, then I went in search of Sofia to say goodbye. I needed to return to my lodge before Marco trashed it out of anger.

  Of course, that wasn’t the only reason why I was keen to leave the Mione lodge. I needed to get away from Sofia. My mind was a mess, and I needed to figure out what I felt before I saw her again. It had been a while since I’d messed up like this. Hopefully, it would be the last time.

  I found Anna and Sofia in the vast living area, drinking hot chocolate in front of the fireplace. I cleared my throat and their heads shot up. Sofia avoided my eyes, but Anna had no problem glaring daggers at me.

  “I need to leave. Samuel just texted me to let me know he’s on his way.”

  “Okay,” Sofia said.

  Anna obviously didn’t intend to give us privacy.

  “I’ll come to your birthday party, that way we can discuss any last-minute wedding issues should they arise.”

  Sofia nodded. When it became apparent that she wasn’t going to say more, I took my leave. Carlo assured me again that he wouldn’t leave Sofia’s side.

  I was about to get into my car when Samuel’s Porsche pulled up. He practically jumped out of the car, no longer in his cowboy costume. He staggered toward me as if he had every intention of killing me.

  “Where is she?”

  “Inside, by the fireplace. She’s fine. I got her back safely and she didn’t get the chance to get in trouble.”

  “Fuck it!” Samuel snarled. “Sofia isn’t the type to sneak off to a party.”

  I smiled bitterly. “Anna seems to be, and Santino isn’t really helping matters.”

  “Fuck. I should tell Dante.”

  “You should keep your mouth shut or it’ll reflect badly on Sofia. You know how it is. Anna and the Cavallaros will get out of the situation unscathed, and our families will be left to suffer. Nothing happened, so don’t make a big deal.”

  Samuel gritted his teeth. “I don’t like it. I want Santino to be punished.”

  “From what I can tell, he’s punished with the task of guarding Dante’s offspring. Let’s keep it at that.”

  I got into my car and Samuel stepped back. “Maybe you should try not to get shitfaced so often. I hope you didn’t throw up in my lodge.”

  “How about you stop fucking blonde chicks?”

  I swallowed my anger. He had a point. And after last night, my futile quest for revenge was over. “I’m done fucking around, don’t worry. I’ll focus on work until my wedding to Sofia.”

  Samuel’s brow furrowed in doubt, but I didn’t give a fuck. I threw the door shut and drove off.

  “Sofia, Anna we’ll be late!” Mom called.

  I fixed a wayward strand hanging out of my ponytail and studied my reflection. Anna entered the bathroom and hugged me from behind, resting her chin on my shoulder. “You okay?”

  I smiled. “Yeah. I am, really.” She’d been asking me the same question on the phone every day for the past two weeks.

  I was okay, physically. My soreness had disappeared after a couple of days. My emotions were still all over the place, though. Each time Danilo had sent me a message inquiring about my well-being, which had happened four times in the last two weeks, I had been overwhelmed by mixed emotions. Finally, anger had won out and I’d made it clear I didn’t want him to keep bugging me.

  “Try to enjoy the day. You’ve been looking forward to dress shopping for years.”

  I put my hand over Anna’s. “I will, don’t worry. This dress is about me, not Danilo. I won’t waste any thoughts on him.”

  But I still wished Mom had made an appointment for wedding-dress shopping sooner—before the party; before I realized my fiancé wasn’t what my silly hopes had made him out to be.

  We were already late by wedding-planner standards. Six months before the wedding was the magical date to order a dress, but Mom had insisted we wait a bit longer. I had a feeling she was being superstitious, as if we’d be tempting fate if we bought the dress too soon, as if history might repeat itself. Emma had already bought her dress a few weeks before Christmas.

  Anna had arrived the night before, and we’d watched movies and talked until way past midnight, so we both had trouble getting up early for the appointment.

  “Sofia! Anna!”

  Anna and I grabbed our purses and headed downstairs. Mom was already waiting, dressed in a thick winter coat and looking imp
atient.

  We put our own coats on before we headed toward the car in the driveway. Samuel was at the steering wheel. Carlo and two other bodyguards would follow us in a separate car.

  Samuel gave me a tight smile before we headed out. I’d been present when Emma had chosen her dress, and I hoped my brother would love it as much as I did. I was sad that Emma couldn’t make it today, but what saddened me even more was that Fina wasn’t with me. Whenever I’d imagined this day as a young girl, both Mom and Fina had been present. Now, my sister was thousands of miles away from me. I hadn’t seen or heard from her in more than five years, and now that my wedding day was nearing, I was desperate to talk to her.

  We pulled up in front of the best bridal store in Minneapolis.

  When we stepped into the bright store, giddiness replaced my sadness. Hundreds of dresses lined the walls on two levels, an endless array of different shades of white. In the past, I’d always seen myself in a princess gown with lace, rhinestones, and a full skirt. Just like a Disney princess, as Anna always put it, but I wasn’t that same naïve girl anymore. I knew Prince Charming didn’t exist in real life.

  The saleswoman, a voluptuous woman in her late fifties with bright red lipstick and long nails the same color, greeted us with a tray of champagne. Mom pursed her lips when Anna and I reached for the elegant flutes but didn’t comment. The saleswoman led us into a separate fitting room that held only the most exclusive pieces how she assured us.

  “Why don’t you browse the dresses and pick five or six of your favorites to try on? I recommend against choosing more than that, because eventually they’ll just start to blend into each other, and you’ll be overwhelmed.” With a bright smile, she left to give us privacy.

  Mom and Anna turned to me.

  “Do you have a vision of how you’d like to look?” Mom asked.

  “Elegant. I’d like a veil, but nothing too flashy or puffy.”