Fragile Longing

by Reilly, Cora

  I stepped into the bathroom, unsure how to act around my wife. I didn’t understand her or her motives. What did she expect from me?

  Not angry fucking.

  I’d been with enough women to know that she wouldn’t enjoy the rough play. She’d taunted me to test me, and I’d failed her test.

  When I returned to the bedroom after a quick shower to wash away the sweat, Sofia lay on her side, facing the other wall. Her slender shoulders and neck didn’t shake like they would have if she were crying. That realization offered little consolation as I stretched out beside her. She tensed, as if she feared what I’d do next, as if she thought I might have a go at her at all. I wouldn’t even have tried to sleep with her if it weren’t for her provocation, and I definitely wouldn’t try anything now that I realized Sofia wanted something else. I touched her arm and turned her around to me, needing to see her expression. “Sofia, say something. I need to understand.”

  “There’s nothing to understand,” she said, meeting my gaze stubbornly, but she wasn’t as good at hiding her emotions as me. I could see the turmoil and hurt swirling in her blue eyes.

  “If you didn’t want to have sex, why did you ask me to fuck you? Why the provocation?”

  “I wanted you to consummate our marriage. I wanted sex. You obviously didn’t. End of story,” she said almost angrily.

  I wasn’t sure if enjoyment was the right word to describe what I would have felt if I’d really fucked Sofia. My anger had been too strong, eating me up from the inside. “I was driven by anger. That’s not how it’s supposed to be. You should enjoy it, too.”

  She stared stubbornly at my chest. I touched her chin to nudge her face up, but she pulled away.

  “I don’t understand what you want me to do.”

  “You never wanted to marry me,” she said quietly, her voice wavering. She pressed her lips together.

  I frowned. “I chose to marry you.”

  “For tactical purposes.”

  “Arranged marriages are standard in our world, you know that. Almost everyone marries for political reasons.”

  “But you wanted my sister for more than tactical purposes.”

  Frustration stormed in my chest. I was tired of hearing that name, tired of everything it was linked to, but I shoved my anger down. It had done enough. I wouldn’t lose control around Sofia ever again. “I don’t want to talk about her ever again, Sofia. We are married now, so whatever I might have wanted is irrelevant. You are my wife.”

  She nodded, but I wasn’t sure if she really got it. She looked resigned, not accepting.

  “It’s been a long day. How about we get some rest. We’ll talk about this more tomorrow.”

  “Okay,” she said in a tone that suggested she didn’t care. I leaned forward and pressed a light kiss to her mouth. She searched my eyes, brows pulling together, then she turned around. I extinguished the lights. I decided against wrapping my arms around her, given her previous reaction to my touch.

  I couldn’t fall asleep, and for a long time neither could Sofia, but eventually she must have thought I had drifted off because she began crying. At first, I didn’t realize I heard sobs because she must have muffled them in the pillow but soon it was unmistakable.

  I considered pulling her toward me, but she thought I was asleep. She’d feel caught if I showed I was awake. So, I listened to my wife’s sobbing, knowing I was the source of her anguish.

  I’d tried to keep my distance to Sofia over the years. In the beginning it was because I was struggling with everything that had happened, and then later because it seemed the appropriate thing to do given her age, especially when my fiancée developed curves and I stopped seeing her as a child.

  She was young and deserved to be treated accordingly. I kept our contact to a minimum to avoid temptation, especially because Sofia was so obviously drawn to me. I was a bad man, but Sofia only deserved to see my best side. Not the hungry, dark, angry side. Not the one that had wanted to claim her even when she was still out of bounds. I’d thought I was doing right by her, protecting her, but she misunderstood my actions, took them as rejection.

  And after the thing at the party . . . Fuck. That was the only reason why I hadn’t devoured her the second we were alone in our bedroom like I’d wanted to do for almost two years, even if I wasn’t proud of it. I’d held back my fucking desire to protect her, but she’d thought I’d rejected her.

  Eventually, Sofia’s sobbing quieted and her breathing evened out. I tilted my head toward her, even though I could only make out the silhouette of her body in the dim moonlight.

  My mother had loved my father with all her heart, still loved and missed him every day. It was a bond I’d always hoped for. Their marriage had also been arranged, but they’d found love along the way.

  I wanted that chance. Maybe I’d messed up badly, but knowing Sofia, she’d give me the opportunity to make things right. I could only hope there was a way I could.

  I woke with a warm presence at my back. It took me a couple of heartbeats to remember where I was and who the person behind me was. Danilo had his arm wrapped around me and his scent surrounded me. I relished at being held by him. It was what I’d always longed for, and it still was.

  My sleep had been fitful, replaying the events of the previous day. I’d tried so many things to get his attention over the years, but my attack on his wounded pride had captured it fully. His anger and despair had hit me like a tidal wave, with almost crushing abandon. His anger wasn’t what I wanted, but it was better than the alternative, better than his gentlemanly distance, the heart-crushing disinterest. I wanted to be respected and loved, but more than that, I wanted to be seen, to be in control for once. Pushing Danilo, forcing a reaction out of him, had given me that brief moment of control.

  Few things in my life had been in my control. Not my life, not my future, least of all my heart. I blinked against the brightness of the early morning sun. Despite my harsh words, my provocation, Danilo had pulled away. Even in a rampant rage, he hadn’t claimed me. I was done. If he didn’t want me, then that was his problem. I wouldn’t try to get his attention again. And yet, I didn’t regret last night. It had given me a sense of final loss, as if I could let go of Danilo and my childish hope for love. I was done pining for him.

  I turned around. Danilo rolled over on his back, still asleep. His hair was all over the place. He was gorgeous. The blanket pooled at his hips, revealing his muscled chest and a fine trail of hair disappearing in his boxers. Judging by the tent the blanket formed over his crotch, he was aroused.

  I slid toward the edge of the bed and stood. I needed to do something, to keep myself busy before what happened could drag me down. I’d made plans with Anna to meet for lunch. Our mothers, little Bea, and Emma and Mrs. Mancini would be present as well. I’d worried Danilo would be disappointed if I went off on our first day as a married couple, now I was relieved to be gone for a while.

  Danilo woke with a start, knifing up in the bed. “Sofia, what are you doing?”

  I grabbed my bathrobe and put it over my nightgown before I slanted him a look. I didn’t allow his tousled look to warm my heart, shutting it off with every ounce of self-control I had. “I’m going to take a shower, and then I’ll go looking for breakfast.”

  I forced a smile and headed for the bathroom but before I could close the door, Danilo had crossed the room and held the door open.

  He searched my face, looking so openly confused that some of my anger slipped away, but I clung to the rest. I didn’t want to be forgiving.

  “Don’t avoid me. We need to talk.”

  “Talk about what?”

  “About last night, about the party, about our marriage and what you expect from it. We’re both part of this bond, and I won’t let you run from it.”

  “I’m not running from it. I’m just tired of investing too much in it when you don’t. I won’t allow myself to feel anything for you anymore. It’s your turn. I’m just done.”

  D
anilo pushed the door open further and stepped closer to me. How could he smell this good early in the morning? So warm and musky? He cupped my face. I didn’t pull back, but I didn’t let the touch soften me either. “Sofia, you don’t even know me, how can you have feelings for me?”

  My chest tightened at his words. Anna had said the same thing, and I realized now that what I felt wasn’t really love, but I was in love with him. “You loved my sister even though you didn’t know her.”

  He let out a dark laugh, a dimple flashing in his cheek. “I didn’t love her. I wanted to possess her. I didn’t know her, either. Love doesn’t work from a distance. You can only love whom you know. Love means work and dedication, but most of all, time.”

  His words were firm, no hint of hesitation. I was surprised by his vision of love, even if it reflected what my mother had once told me. Maybe I’d been naïve to hope for love to come easily, served on a silver platter so I could feast on it.

  I didn’t say anything. It was too much at once, and I still wasn’t sure I could believe him. Actions always spoke louder than words. He’d been with those blonde women for a reason, if it wasn’t longing for my sister, then what was it?

  Danilo took a deep breath. “I never got the chance to get to know you, and you never got the chance to get to know me. Shouldn’t we start getting to know each other? That would be a good start to this marriage.”

  “Last night was the start of our marriage,” I said, not willing to give in, even if he sounded reasonable. Maybe I had been foolish to invest feelings so early on, but that didn’t mean his actions were less hurtful.

  “I should have controlled myself.”

  “I didn’t want you to, and yet you did.” I’d provoked him to get a reaction out of him, to unleash his anger. That’s why I wasn’t even really mad at him for last night, not for his rage, for losing control. I was hurt because he was able to control himself. If that wasn’t crazy, I didn’t know what was. I was just disappointed and sad because my dreams of a happy marriage seemed so far away.

  He frowned as if nothing I said made sense to him. Was it a man thing? A Danilo thing? Or maybe a Sofia thing? “I didn’t want you to control yourself,” I growled.

  “Fuck, Sofia, you’re driving me insane. I’m not an idiot. I could tell you didn’t want me to mount you like an animal. You want lovemaking, so why did you provoke me?”

  Lovemaking? Was that even an option? “Because your hatred is better than your disinterest. You could barely look at me!”

  He shook his head. “I didn’t look at you because I wanted you, but you couldn’t bear my touch and you were scared because of the party. I acted like a gentleman because I didn’t want to force you when you were still suffering from our first encounter! I held back to show you I cared about this marriage and you. If I’d known you’d take it as proof that I don’t desire you, I’d have ripped your clothes off, buried my face between your legs and then fucked you.” His nostrils flared, his face contorting with frustration.

  I blinked up at him. “You desire me?”

  “Of course, I do. I’m not blind, Sofia. You’re a gorgeous woman. Any man would desire you,” he murmured, his eyes trailing lower to the lace-trimming over the swell of my breasts. “Give me a chance to make it up to you, Sofia. Let us work on our marriage. This is just the beginning of our life together. Our parents had good marriages, and I want the same.”

  I stepped back, needing to create distance between us. I was too eager to dive headfirst into this again, to give my all for a chance at a happy marriage, but I needed to be careful if I wanted to protect myself. “I don’t know what to say right now. I’m just too overwhelmed.”

  “I know,” he said in a low voice. With him so close, especially shirtless, in only low-cut boxers, it was difficult to focus. Maybe I hadn’t wanted the angry fucking like he said, but I wanted to be with him. “I’ll give you all the time you need, and I’m going to make up for my mistakes, especially your messed up first time.”

  “I don’t think that’s possible.”

  “Let me try. Why don’t we go back to bed and I’ll make it up to you? I took the day off. We have plenty of time.”

  Suddenly, I realized what he meant, and I wished it were as easy as that. My body heated at the prospect of what Danilo wanted to do, but my brain put a stopper to it. I shook my head. “It’s not just the physical side. I can’t be close to you right now. I need time to figure things out, to get to know you, like you said.”

  Danilo nodded, but I didn’t miss the disappointment that flickered across his face. “Then let’s spend the day together getting to know each other.”

  I looked away from him, trying to determine if that’s what I wanted. Maybe I needed space. “I made plans with Anna and the other women in our family for lunch before everyone leaves Indianapolis. I can’t cancel it. I’m sure my father and the other men won’t mind a meeting with you as well.”

  Danilo sighed but nodded. It was obvious that he didn’t like the idea of us being apart today. Maybe he realized I was on the verge of slipping away and wanted to make sure I couldn’t. “As long as you take Carlo with you, you can meet with Anna and the women for lunch. I won’t lock you in at home. But lunch is still some time away. So, what about breakfast together and a tour of the house before you leave?”

  “Okay,” I agreed. “But I’d like to shower first.” He stepped back and I closed the door. I felt relief that Danilo obviously wanted to work on our marriage, but I didn’t want to put my heart and hope in it too soon again. I’d be careful. I’d set ground rules and keep my own wishes in mind.

  When I left the bathroom twenty minutes later after a long mind-clearing shower, Danilo was lounging in bed, reading something on his phone. A tray loaded with food, coffee, and orange juice sat on the bed beside him. I was only in my bathrobe, but the scent of fresh coffee drew me toward the bed. Pancakes and fresh fruit as well as scrambled eggs smelled divine and made me realize I hadn’t eaten in a while.

  I sank down on the bed, feeling insecure about joining Danilo. He put away his phone and motioned at the tray. “I made us some breakfast.”

  I gaped at him. “You made breakfast?”

  A smile flickered across his face. That and the slight stubble made him look like a guy next door, a very handsome guy next door.

  “I’ve been living on my own for a while, and I prefer to have the house to myself in the morning. My maids usually come around ten to eleven when I’m gone for work.”

  “Did Emma never cook for you?”

  Usually the women cooked, and until shortly before our wedding, Emma had still lived with Danilo after all. Not that I was a good cook, or any kind of cook. I’d never tried my hand at it.

  “Emma’s a lousy cook, and she hates it.”

  “Samuel’s going to be in for a surprise,” I said with a delighted laugh. My brother probably thought Emma would present him with a beautiful home-cooked dinner every night.

  “He’ll need a maid or do the cooking himself,” Danilo muttered.

  I slanted a curious look at Danilo. He’d never struck me as a man who would set foot in the kitchen.

  I took one of the forks and cut off a bite sized piece of pancake, a bit wary about Danilo’s cooking skills. I was surprised that it was delicious. Fluffy and sweet with a hint of vanilla. “It’s good,” I attested, already bringing another bite to my mouth.

  “Come, join me properly,” he said, patting the spot beside him.

  I crept under the blanket and Danilo positioned the tray between us so we could both eat from it. He drank his coffee, watching me.

  I felt self-conscious under his scrutiny and decided to face him head-on.

  “I know you probably don’t want to talk about it, but I need to know that you’re okay after last night.”

  I took a sip of orange juice. “I am. I was expecting your anger, so I’m not emotionally scarred, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

  Danilo shook his hea
d. “Okay. I messed up twice, but there won’t be a third time.”

  “It’s in the past,” I said simply. “You can do better now.”

  We ate in silence, but it wasn’t as awkward as I feared, even if it was obvious that we didn’t really know how to handle each other. When I was done with eating, I turned to him. “What do you expect from me as your wife? You’re Underboss, so you have many responsibilities. Do you need me to handle certain things?”

  Danilo looked thoughtful. “I haven’t given it much thought. I want you at my side for public events, of course, but I’d appreciate it if you’d get along with my mother, and if you’d meet with the Captains’ wives now and then. They have a brunch date once a week, if I remember correctly. My mother attends it as well, so she can help you.”

  Those were the typical social responsibilities. “Anything else?” I wanted something to focus on outside of this marriage, so I didn’t feel too pressured about making it work as quickly as possible.

  Danilo shook his head, but I could tell there was something else.

  “Tell me,” I said.

  “Emma was active in an organization that helped disabled children from less fortunate families. She organized fundraisers and tried to create awareness about the realities of people with disabilities. Now that she’ll be moving to Minneapolis to live with your brother, she won’t be able to continue her work.”

  I didn’t miss the edge in his voice when he mentioned Samuel, but I chose not to ask him about it. “Can’t I continue her work? I know I’m not disabled, so maybe the kids won’t identify with me like they did with Emma, but I’d love to help. It sounds like a worthy cause.” Better than entertaining bored mob wives.

  “Emma would appreciate it, and so would I.” He reached for my hand, and I let him take it. “I want you to really arrive in Indianapolis and see it as your home.”