The Clinch

by Nicole Disney

  “If you need to take a call go ahead,” Samson says.

  “I’m sorry, let me just make sure it’s not important.” I walk toward the empty part of the yard as I hold the phone to my ear.

  “Hello?”

  I hear a scramble against the speaker and her muffled, panicked voice in the background.

  “Laila?” Something scrapes the speaker and her voice comes closer.

  “Eden? Jin’s in trouble, they’re taking him to the ER. You need to get up here. I’m following the ambulance to Lebanon now.”

  “What?” I almost shout it. “What happened?”

  “He was stung by a bee.”

  A moment passes as my brain tries to catch up. A tiny little insect does not send Jin to the hospital. “A bee?”

  “He’s allergic, I think. I don’t fucking know. He told me he was fine, but then he couldn’t breathe, and he passed out and was turning blue. It’s not good, Eden. They may have to do CPR.”

  It feels like poison is creeping through my body, cold and crawling. “I’m on my way.” I hang up and turn, realizing my body feels like some other entity. I don’t quite have control over it. The Shaws are all staring, clearly aware something serious just happened.

  “I have to go.”

  Brooklyn springs to her feet. “Are you okay?”

  “Uh.” I put my hand on my forehead. “No, not really. Jin is on his way to the ER. He’s not breathing.”

  Brooklyn’s eyes go wide. “Oh my God. What happened?”

  “He’s having an allergic reaction. I can’t. I have to go.”

  “Are you okay to drive?”

  Something about the way she says it tells me she won’t be coming with. She’s offering to call me a driver, not to be one. Part of me expected her to drop everything and come with me, but how could I think that would happen in the middle of a family affair? I don’t have time to care.

  “I’m fine.” I bolt for the door.

  The moment I’m in my car, my phone starts buzzing with messages from Brooklyn. I skim enough to catch that she’s sorry and feels the need to explain herself, but just seeing the blocks of text is enough for me to know I can’t deal with this right now.

  Chapter Twenty-one

  I don’t know what to make of seeing Laila by the automatic glass doors as I jog up. Does that mean everything is so fine she doesn’t feel the need to be by him, or that it’s so awful she wants to make sure she sees me first? I can’t even imagine Jin not making it. Jin is my personal superhero. That he’s even mortal seems far-fetched. Picturing him wheezing as his throat closed, falling to the ground, medics pounding his chest, I can’t even deal with it. It makes my throat close and my vision speckle with black. Life without Jin would be worse than lonely. It would be empty. It would be dead.

  “They revived him,” Laila says even though I’m still twenty feet away. When I catch up to her, I wrap her in a tight hug. I don’t have a clear picture of the whole event yet, but I can already tell Laila’s presence likely kept him alive.

  “Revived him?”

  She nods gravely. “He didn’t breathe for a long time. His heart stopped. But they got him back. He’s on oxygen and an IV now. They’re saying he should be fine.”

  “Should be?”

  “You know how they are.”

  “Can we see him?”

  She nods. “We can, but the stubborn ass said he didn’t want us to see him like that.”

  “Oh, like hell.” I march inside. Laila directs me to his room, staying behind in the hall as I go inside. It’s strange how just being in a hospital bed makes you look small and weak. Jin’s the same man he’s always been, but it’s impossible not to notice someone’s mortality when they’re in one of those gowns. His eyes fix on me, and I see the exact expression Laila likely saw just before he threw her out. Self-conscious, embarrassed. I cross the space and hug him before he can say anything.

  “You scared me to fucking death,” I say, hoping I can make him forget his own vulnerability by fixating on mine. He slowly wraps his arm around me and returns the hug. “What happened, you crazy man? You’re deathly allergic to bees and you don’t have an EpiPen somewhere?”

  “I didn’t know.” He shrugs. “A bee has never dared to sting me before.” A loaded moment passes, and we start laughing until it curls me over. Jin’s laugh has a slight wheeze to it still, but he’s beaming at his own humor.

  “Is the little bastard dead at least?”

  “Oh yes, he paid with his life,” Jin says with a smile, then sighs. “Can you imagine? Taekwondo grandmaster dead from bee.”

  I shake my head. “Don’t make me imagine. Nothing can kill you.”

  He doesn’t argue, but it’s impossible not to think about the fact that things could have gone differently. Just like that, I could’ve lost him. And what the hell would I do if that did happen? Jin is my family. My only family. He’s the only person I can say with any confidence loves me. I still feel raw inside even as I hold his hand and see that he’s okay.

  It takes hours for them to release him, unsurprisingly. Laila takes off once Jin finally lets her say good-bye. He tries to send me away too, but it’s a weak effort. Even Jin knows I won’t be leaving him to find his own way home after a near death experience. It’s after midnight when we finally walk to my car and drive back to the dojang. When we park in back, I’m shocked to see Brooklyn sitting on the back step. She stands up when she recognizes my car, shoving her hands into her back pockets. I glance from her to Jin, checking for his reaction in a jerky and totally suspicious double take motion. My automatic reaction is to figure out how best to play this to make it look as normal as possible, but Jin would never buy anything fake from me even if I was willing to lie to him. My best bet is to just shut up and let him think whatever he thinks.

  I turn off the car, pausing for a second to prepare. I don’t know what to expect from Brooklyn. I haven’t answered or even read her texts since I left her party. I could have made time to respond by now and admittedly credited myself with a free pass in the midst of what was happening. I can’t help but feel abandoned by her, but I haven’t mentally worked through whether or not I have ground to stand on there.

  It all happened to settle well, but when I was leaving the BBQ, Jin wasn’t breathing. My only family was possibly dying, and all she could do was ask if I could drive myself. I understand the whys, realize I knew what I was getting into with her, and still there are certain moments you expect to trump the rules. Tonight, I learned there are no trump moments with Brooklyn’s family. No matter how awful it is, I may be alone when it counts.

  When I finally open my car door, Jin does the same, and we step out into the cool night. Brooklyn looks uncomfortable but not panicked. She goes straight to Jin and tells him how glad she is he’s okay. When she turns to me, her eyes are blatantly searching me. There’s a thick layer of anxiety and insecurity all over her.

  “Give me a minute to help him get settled, and I’ll be back.” I try to sound professional and am shocked just how convincingly businesslike it comes out.

  I unlock and open the door for Jin, but he turns to me just inside the entryway. “I’m okay.” He squeezes my arm. “Go.” I look him over. He really is okay, and it will insult him to treat him as if he’s frail. My desire to help him is for me. I pull him into a long, tight hug, and let him walk upstairs alone. When he’s closed inside his apartment, I take a deep breath, turn, and go back outside to Brooklyn. Her head snaps up when she hears the door open, but she doesn’t speak. She looks frozen. I can’t believe she’s willing to show up here now in the middle of the night after she was just too afraid to leave her family barbecue.

  “What the hell are you doing here?” I scan the empty street.

  “Eden, please don’t be pissed. I’m sorry.”

  “It’s almost one a.m.”

  “I know. I came the second I could, but you weren’t here and weren’t answering me.”

  “How long have you been
here?”

  “Maybe an hour.”

  “And how is it okay for you to sit on my doorstep for an hour in the middle of the night, but you can’t be seen with me when I actually need you?”

  “I couldn’t just run off with you in front of my family,” she says. “They would have gotten suspicious.”

  “If they’re half as oblivious as you say, they would not. You act like it’s unheard of to be a supportive friend. It’s not like my goldfish died. The man who is a father to me wasn’t breathing.”

  “You’re not supposed to be my friend, Eden. You’re my coach to them.”

  “We train together every day. You don’t think they realize we’re friends? Are you in that deep they can’t even know you like a gay person?”

  “That’s not what I’m saying.”

  “Just go home, Brooklyn.”

  I’ve been dealing with life alone for as long as I can remember, and I’ve gotten good at it. I’m not that mad at her. I don’t even particularly like people being there while I’m a mess. It just feels right to attack the outlook that results in me ranking so low in the priorities. That is, until her eyes start to shimmer. Then I just feel like a jerk. Nothing makes Brooklyn cry, not getting kicked in the head, not being called a failure by her father. It never occurred to me I have that power.

  “I’m sorry, Eden. I didn’t know what to do. I’ve been texting and calling you for hours. I’m here now. Please let me in.”

  She’s wearing her stress everywhere. Does she think I’m breaking up with her? I want to just reassure her we’re okay and send her away, but I can see she won’t go easy, and she’s been a champ about letting me chew her out more or less in public long enough. I step aside and wave her in. I close and lock us up in my room. She looks uncomfortable, like she’s not sure if she should sit or not.

  “Look, I get it,” I say. “You were clear you wouldn’t be taking chances, and I signed on. You didn’t have to run over here. I’m just wired still. This was one of the scariest nights of my life.”

  “I understand.” She reaches out to hug me. I let her, but I just can’t relax into it. I need to count on her for these things or not. Realistically, not. It’s not like me to want more, but of course I would from the one person who can’t do it. I can live in the box she needs me to live in. I really can. But she can’t come and go from that box as she pleases. I need to know exactly what the box is.

  “You don’t have to stay, Brooklyn. This has nothing to do with you. Jin is fine. I’m fine. I’m sorry I freaked you out.”

  “Eden, I want to stay. I want to be here for you.”

  “It’s too late. It’s over, and you weren’t.”

  “I’m right here.”

  “But it’s fine now. You saw him. They got his heart beating again. It’s already over.”

  “I can see you’re not okay. I know they got him back, but you thought you were losing him, and you’re not done feeling it yet. You were strong for Jin. Let me be strong for you.”

  My eyes start to water, and I have to turn away from her. She comes up behind me and gently puts her palms on my back, kissing the side of my head.

  “Don’t tell me you’re afraid to let me see you cry,” she says quietly.

  Somehow it makes the knot in my throat worse. My breath comes in a ragged shudder as I fight the tears.

  “Come lie on the bed with me,” she says. “Let me hold you.”

  I sigh and close my eyes, absorbing her touch. I don’t want to need someone who may not be there. I don’t want to need someone at all, but pretending it doesn’t feel good to have her here is just asinine. She’s right. The chemicals of hearing that Jin wasn’t breathing are still encoded in my body, and now that he’s taken care of, the reality not just of what happened, but what could have happened is descending again. I turn and look into her eyes as if they’ll tell me if I can count on her. They unequivocally say that I can. I’m sure even she believes that. That doesn’t make it true, but I don’t have the strength to fight her.

  I glance at the twin bed and can’t help but laugh a little. Sex only works on it because we’re on top of one another, and our hurried situation means cuddling never lasts long. I’m not sure how long we can make it work, but I lie down with her, and she pulls my head onto her shoulder and kisses the top of my head.

  “You want to talk about it?”

  I breathe her in, letting a long time pass before I speak. “I almost lost him.”

  She runs her hands through my hair. I keep waiting for it to end. Any second now she’ll want to run off and get back to her supposed location, but it doesn’t happen.

  “He took me in. He’s the only family I have.”

  “There’s no one else?” she asks quietly, sounding mildly surprised. “What about your mom?”

  “She was a hooker and a drunk and an addict who could barely remember my name until I had money.”

  Brooklyn doesn’t answer at first, and I don’t blame her. What the fuck do you say to something like that?

  “How’d you end up with Jin?”

  “He pulled me into class one day when I was hiding from some people in the entryway. I took classes for about a year before he invited me to move into a student room. He knew my home life was shit and just mentioned that I could if I wanted to. I jumped all over it. My mom was too drugged out to stop me. He saved me.”

  “You weren’t sad leaving your mom? Or scared? Even though she was a mess?”

  I laugh lightly. “She used to leave me home alone while she went out on binges and lost track of the days. She’d come back a week later like nothing happened. When she saw me, she’d jump like I was a stray pigeon that got inside.”

  “What about your dad?”

  “Could be anyone. She was a hooker.”

  “Fuck.”

  “It’s okay, I don’t want to know. Not one of those freaks she brought home was worth a damn.”

  “She brought them around you?” I can hear her trying to subdue the horror in her voice.

  “Yeah, I had to listen to them all the time. She’d get beat sometimes. They stole our shit sometimes. Once I got a little older they started making eyes at me. I spent most of my time in the streets to stay away from them, but that wasn’t great either. Jin gave me somewhere to be. He’s the only one who’s ever given a shit about me.”

  “Fuck, Eden. I didn’t know you grew up that hard. Why didn’t you tell me?”

  I shrug. “Everyone grows up hard here. You did too.”

  “Not like that.”

  “Hard is hard.”

  “Nah,” she says. “I had more good times than bad.”

  It’s impossible not to see that her family is responsible for that. She experienced a lot of the same things I did, went without food and heat and light, not to mention all the things I haven’t like being biracial and moving to a new country. It’s never felt right to cry about my past to her even though a huge part of her upbringing was also glitz and fame. The important difference was love. She has this beautiful family that adores her. Who am I to ever in a million years suggest she owes it to me to risk that? Just thinking about losing Jin, losing my family, has me deeply shaken.

  Brooklyn’s arms squeeze harder as if she knows whatever I’m thinking is pulling me apart. I squeeze back around her waist, sinking into her warmth. I got so good at living without this, but that person might already be gone.

  Chapter Twenty-two

  I wake up to a quiet clang in the kitchen. I sit up and have to stare at her a while before I can comprehend it. I check my phone and see it’s already nine.

  “Hey,” she says softly when she notices I’m up. She’s in one of my T-shirts and her boy-shorts, looking cozy and natural. She comes over and puts a cup in my hand. “Coffee?”

  “Did you spend the night?” She clearly did, but I can’t quite believe it. She kisses me softly and puts her hand on my chest.

  “Yes. And I’m making breakfast. I saw you had pancake mix. I ho
pe that’s okay?”

  I can’t remember the last time someone cooked for me, but before I can say anything, a knock at the back door pulls us apart.

  “Who’s that?” she asks.

  “I have no idea.”

  We spring up and creep to the back door. I look through the peephole and turn to her, relieved.

  “It’s Mateo,” I whisper, so low it barely makes a sound. She looks through the peephole, then back at me, then down at her bare legs. She could get dressed, of course, but that doesn’t change that we’re in my apartment alone together while the gym is clearly closed.

  “He’ll know,” I say. I look back through the peephole to make sure he isn’t leaving. I don’t know what to do, but it can’t be nothing. His clothes are a mess and he has tears running down his face. He knocks again, harder.

  “Eden!”

  “He’s crying,” I say. “I have to let him in.”

  “Of course,” Brooklyn says.

  “I can get you out the front if you want.”

  She pauses, then shakes her head. “No, I’m not leaving. Just give me a head start to change.” I’m shocked, but we don’t have time to talk about it. She jogs down the hall and into my room. I unlatch the door and slowly open it.

  “Hey, Mateo,” I say. “What’s wrong, bud?”

  He just launches at me and hugs me, tears flowing fresh. I hug him back, letting him stay there as long as he needs. When he does finally let go, I motion for him to follow me inside. When we get to my room and he sees Brooklyn cooking at the stove, surprise passes over his face, but it goes as easily as it came, and he just goes over to hug her too.

  Brooklyn meets my eyes and smiles as she returns the hug.

  “Well, hey, bro. You’re just in time for breakfast. You two sit.” She points at the tiny round table in the open space of the kitchen. I don’t even have three seats, but I pull cardboard boxes from the supply closet, and Mateo’s tickled to sit on one. Brooklyn gives him a glass of orange juice and me another coffee. I can’t help but watch Brooklyn, dazzled by how soft she can be, how sure I was she was a pig-headed brute. I was so wrong.