Hell, maybe it was a twin thing, who the fuck knows.
I pulled into my parents’ driveway and parked the car. Audrey looked out the windshield at the house I grew up in, a smile stretched across her face.
“It’s nice,” she commented. “Is your room still here?”
I shook my head. “Nah, they turned it into a den after I moved out.”
She hummed thoughtfully, pursing her lips. “I bet it was really dark and gloomy.”
“I painted my walls black when I was fifteen.”
A burst of giggles heaved at her chest as she laid a hand over her heart. “That doesn’t surprise me even a little bit.”
One side of my mouth lifted in a lopsided smile. “My mom was so pissed, she took my laptop away for a month. So, I dyed my hair black and put that tattoo on my leg instead.”
The laughter in her eyes dimmed. “You’ve always butted heads with her, huh?”
I shifted my gaze to the steering wheel, sliding my hand over the plastic. “Yeah, but mostly since the accident. I mean, we do have our good moments, but they’re kinda rare.”
Audrey sighed, gazing out toward the house again. “I don’t know what that’s like. My parents were always great about letting Sabrina and me express ourselves, without letting us go too crazy, you know? Neither of us were up all night at house parties on the weekends, but they had no problem with Sabrina dying her hair blue.” A faraway smile tugged at her lips as she added, “Mine was pink. My mom took us both out to the salon for our seventeenth birthday.”
“You’re lucky,” I said, my voice graveled and hoarse.
She offered me a small, sad smile and said, “I know.”
***
Early November brought with it a chill that said winter was well on its way. Standing on the back deck of my parents’ house with Dad, I held my arms around my middle, keeping my leather jacket closed, as Jake and Freddy tumbled around the yard with Mickey. Mom and Audrey kept themselves busy in the kitchen, getting dinner on the table, and I hoped Mom wasn’t giving Audrey a hard time with snippy tones and obtrusive questions.
“You like this girl, huh?” Dad commented, puffing away on the habit he just couldn’t quit. With a tip of his head, he sent the cigarette smoke spiraling through the air. The smell reminded me of Cee and my limited experience in her bedroom. I didn’t miss it.
“Yeah,” I answered, seeing no point in denying it now. The last time I’d invited a girl to my parents’ house, I was in my early twenties and I had sworn that I’d never do it again. Apparently, I had lied.
“What about the kid?” It wasn’t the question itself that bothered me but what it implied. He wasn’t asking whether I liked Freddy but if I liked that Audrey had Freddy, and I knew what he expected me to say. But that wasn’t me. Not with her.
“He’s awesome,” I replied, grinning as Freddy tackled Jake and the two landed on the grass with an audible and probably painful thud. I cupped my hands around my mouth and shouted, “Get him, Freddy! Tickle his armpits! He loves that!”
“No way, José!” Jake laughed and scrambled to his feet, running away with child and dog in tow.
“You better not hurt them, Blake,” Dad warned under his breath. “You have to be careful when kids are involved.”
“I know, Dad.” I sighed, knowing that he was only looking out for the woman and her little boy, but I wished that he could maybe look out for me, too. Maybe even consider how much it could hurt, break, or kill me to lose her, even after such a short period of time, and how much it would certainly obliterate my entire existence to be without my brother.
“What’s her story, anyway?” He stamped the cigarette into his trusty old ashtray, chuckling as his eyes clouded with nostalgia. “Remember when Jake gave me this thing? He had to have been, God, four? Maybe five? Those were the good ol’ days …”
I eyed the cheap, plastic piece of garbage. “Jake didn’t give you that, Dad; I did.”
He narrowed his eyes, settling deep in thought, and said, “Huh, I guess you did.” Then, he slapped the back of his hand against my arm. “So, anyway, as we were saying. Audrey. What’s her story? How’d you meet her?”
I shrugged, shaking away the sting of being forgotten, and said, “She came into the shop about a month ago to get some ink, and the rest is history, I guess.”
He jabbed a thumb over his shoulder and lowered his voice to say, “That girl has a tattoo?”
My chest rumbled with a chuckle. “Yeah. Believe it or not, she does.”
“Has she been married?”
I hesitated. If my mother found out Audrey had a child out of wedlock, she’d judge her, and I didn’t want to be the reason for that information being outed. But still, I trusted my dad wouldn’t pass it along, and said, “No.”
He nodded slowly, processing the information. “She was with Freddy’s dad, though?”
“Yeah, they were together for years,” I told him. “It was a mutual split, but they’re still really good friends. And actually,” I went on, choosing to divulge a little more information, “I met him the other day, on Halloween. His wife is Jake’s teacher. How crazy is that?”
“Get out of town,” Dad gawked, surprised. “That’s unbelievable. What a small world, huh?”
“Tell me about it,” I muttered, shaking my head.
We stood in silence, watching the boy, man, and dog all run around the yard with an envious amount of energy. I couldn’t begin to figure out how it was Jake and I could be the same age, when just the sight of him rolling in the yard and chasing a little boy around was enough to exhaust me. Then again, when was the last time I’d even tried?
So, with my arms still crossed over my chest, I headed toward the stairs and onto the grass. Jake stopped running at the sight of me, a startled expression marring his features. I met his gaze and unlocked my arms, widening my stance, and warned, “Better run, buddy, ‘cause I’m coming for ya.” But instead of taking off, Jake grinned with excitement and ran straight toward me, slamming his large body against mine. We fell to the ground and wrestled for a moment before Freddy piled on top.
“Blake’s ticklish, too!” Jake informed him, digging his fingers into my sides, and as Freddy joined in with devious intent, I don’t think I had ever laughed harder in my life.
***
“You boys are filthy,” Mom pointed out with a sour look on her face.
She wasn’t lying. In just ten minutes, I had dirt beneath my fingernails and smeared all across my face, and Jake and Freddy looked even worse. But while Mom never liked us to get dirty, even as kids, Audrey laughed gently and took a shoulder from both Jake and Freddy. “Come on, guys, let’s get cleaned up before dinner. Blake, you coming?”
“Yeah,” I answered, meeting my mother’s eye for just a moment before heading in the direction of the bathroom.
Mom and I hadn’t spoken since Halloween, and other than a brief hello when we’d seen each other during the week, our interactions had been minimal. I couldn’t gauge whether she was still annoyed or not, but knowing her, she was and would be for some time.
I crowded into the bathroom with Audrey, Jake, and Freddy. Jake sat on the toilet seat while Audrey picked Freddy up to sit him on the sink’s vanity, and I took a place against the doorframe. “What did you guys do out there?” she asked the room, but mostly herself, as she turned on the faucet and grabbed the soap.
“Blake ran,” Jake told her. “Blake never runs.”
“I rubbed dirt on his face,” Freddy informed her, wearing a prideful grin.
She glanced over her shoulder and smiled at me. “I see that.”
Audrey scrubbed the dirt from Freddy’s hands and face, then kissed his forehead, before placing him on his feet and sending him out of the room. When she moved to work on Jake, I stopped her.
“Hey, you don’t have to do that. I got him.”
“Oh, stop. I don’t mind,” she insisted, grasping Jake’s chin in one hand and the washcloth in the other.
The act was innocent and mundane, nothing unlike what I or his teachers did for him every day, but this seemed like more. It seemed serious, like real commitment, and I knew I was too close to the edge and in danger of toppling over into a void I wasn’t prepared to handle.
As a distraction, I glanced in the mirror and snorted at my reflection. Streaks of dirt lined one cheek like war paint, and on the other, I could make out the distinct imprint of small fingers. “Freddy got me good,” I laughed, shaking my head.
“Yeah, he really did,” she agreed, scrubbing at Jake’s cheeks.
Then, the room was quiet, dangerously so, as she finished cleaning his face. When she was done, I reminded him to wash his hands, and Audrey and I stood back and supervised as he lathered and rinsed.
“Go help Mom set the table,” I told him.
His head lifted with a purposeful nod. “Okie dokie,” and he was gone, leaving us alone and open to way too much opportunity.
I turned on the water and set to washing my face and hands, while feeling her eyes on my back. All I could think was that she and I hadn’t been alone in a week. A week since I was drunk and had kissed her. A week since I had slept with her and then found out she was a mother. A week wasn’t a long time, but with her, right now, it felt like it’d been an eternity. All that time, forcing a distance between us, and my hands, wet and working together, begged to touch her again.
“I’m glad you invited us today,” she said in a low, quiet voice as she stepped forward to stand beside me. “Freddy’s having a really good time. He hasn’t stopped talking about Jake all week.”
I scrubbed at my fingernails and laughed. “Jake likes him, too. The other day, he told Miss Thomas all about his new little buddy,” I turned to her smiling eyes and added, “his words. I guess Jason had told her about—”
“I told her,” Audrey confessed hurriedly. “I had called to tell Jason I wouldn’t be dropping Freddy off until Sunday and Amy—Miss Thomas—answered the phone. It just kinda came out.”
“Yeah, it’s fine,” I said, shrugging it off.
“I didn’t know if you wanted her to know, but I just couldn’t keep it in. I know you’re kinda private, but—”
“Audrey. Really, it’s fine. And anyway, Jake loves it. He doesn’t really get the whole stepmom thing, but he thinks it’s awesome that he gets to see Freddy’s other mom all the time.”
She hummed a gentle laugh as her head nodded. In the conversational lull, I focused on washing the dirt from my face, then grabbed a towel from the rack to dry off. Audrey caught sight of me and giggled gently, shaking her head.
“You missed a spot,” she said.
“What?” I glanced in the mirror and searched my face until I spotted the smear of black just above my beard. “Fucking hell,” I grumbled and turned the water back on.
“Here, let me do it,” she insisted, taking the washcloth she’d used on Freddy and Jake, dipping it back underneath the tap before shutting the water off.
I thought to protest and remind her that I wasn’t a child or incapable, but the words wouldn’t come as her palm cupped my shoulder, leveraging herself as she stood on her toes. The cool, wet cloth touched my cheek with tenderness, and she gently worked the spot off my face. When her eyes lifted, she found my gaze, hooded and affixed to hers. This was a moment, it was ours, and without a word, I took the cloth from her stilled hand and dropped it in the sink. Her fingers spread over my cheek and against my beard, before pushing toward my hair as I framed her face with my hands and pulled her to my anxious lips.
Kissing Audrey had previously been an act of drunken urgency. An insatiable hunger that’d swept us away in a wave of need. I had spent days wondering if I’d ever find the courage to wrap my arms around her while sober, and if I’d ever be brave enough to let her taste the honesty on my tongue without gin to taint the flavor. But I kissed her now with a slow, passionate patience, memorizing every movement of her lips and every pulse of her fingertips against my shoulders and hair. I held her face, holding her to my mouth in a lock I hoped to never break, and her arms looped around my neck to hold me back.
Her mouth opened, welcoming the intrusion of my tongue with a whimpered moan. It was an invitation that I gladly took, while my chest rattled around my frenzied, screaming heart. Telling me this was too good, too real, too sober, and that I needed to back off, back away, far away, before I threw myself into the deep end without learning how to swim. But I couldn’t stop myself from pulling her closer, plunging deeper and holding on tighter. I just couldn’t let go, and maybe that could be okay, if she was there, to keep me from drowning in her abyss.
“What is taking so long?” I heard the annoyed voice of my mother from the dining room, and I groaned at the premature interruption.
Audrey pulled back and turned her head away from my mouth, but I held on tighter, encouraging her to forget my mother and the world, by moving my lips to her neck. Tasting her skin and inhaling her scent.
“Blake,” she giggled breathlessly, pushing against my shoulders, “we need to stop.”
I shook my head. “No.”
She laughed again and the hairs along my arms stood on end. “I don’t want to either, but we have to. They’re waiting.”
“Please don’t make me stop,” I muttered against her neck, unable to believe the words coming out of my mouth.
I moved my hands to the small of her back, to press her to my hips and feel the urgency of my situation. She shuddered with a desperate gasp and tipped her head further, exposing more of her neck, and I groaned against the smooth plane of her throat.
“Blake,” she whispered, repeating my name. “We have all n—”
“What are you doing?!”
I have never backed away from a woman as quickly as I did at the sound of Freddy’s horrified disgust. I turned to face the mirror, away from his view, to hide the obvious erection in my jeans as I prayed to a god I didn’t believe in.
Dear fucking god, get rid of this boner, amen.
“Hey, honey,” Audrey said breathlessly, trying desperately to compose herself as she straightened her rumpled top. “We’ll be out there in a second.”
“He was eating your neck!” he exclaimed, horrified.
Audrey shifted her gaze to glance at me sidelong as she struggled not to laugh, and from the corner of my eye, I winced apologetically as my hand covered my mouth. She was soundlessly asking for backup, but I had nothing to offer, as I struggled to think about anything other than her breasts and thighs and what they felt like straddling my hips.
“Um, no,” she admitted, shaking her head. “Blake wasn’t … eating my neck, honey. He, um—”
“Then, what were you doing?”
“W-well, actually, um …” She was struggling to come up with something, frantically flitting her eyes around the room to conjure an explanation without telling the truth, but I saw the defeat in her eyes and she succumbed with a sigh. “We were kissing, honey.”
“Why?” he demanded to know. He sounded angry and I worried this was the end of our budding friendship. After all, he had caught me making out with his mom. That’d piss any kid off, I think.
“Because, um, because,” she took a deep breath and settled into her response, “sometimes when grown-ups really like each other a lot, they kiss.”
“Oh,” he answered, and I heard the confusion in his voice. “Like Daddy and Mama.”
Audrey slowly nodded her head. “Yeah,” she drawled. “Like that.”
Finally, I turned around to watch him shrug and say, “Okay, well … Dinner’s ready.” With that, he hurried out of the bathroom and we both exhaled.
“Dodged a bullet there,” she said.
Allowing myself to grin, my held-back chuckle now rumbled through my chest. “You should’ve told him I was a zombie.”
She slapped the back of her hand against my arm. “Oh, really, Kiefer? But I thought you were a vampire,” she teased and sashayed toward the door.
***
“No headphones at my table,” Mom warned, pointing at the headphones in Jake’s hand. Her eyes flashed toward mine for a split second as he lowered them to the table with a pout. I couldn’t miss the distinctive glint of triumph in her glare before her attention was back on the plate in front of her.
Audrey smiled at my mother. “This is an amazing pot roast, Mrs. Carson.”
Mom barely curled her lips upward. “Thank you very much.”
“When my mom makes pot roast, it always comes out so dry and tough,” Audrey went on, “but this is absolutely perfect. You’ll have to give me your secret.”
Mom addressed Audrey with another small smile before diverting her attention to her son. “How do you like it, Freddy?”
“It’s good,” he answered in a small, shy voice.
“I’m glad,” she answered, smiling brighter. “I have something very special for dessert, so eat up.”
“Gotta eat it all, Freddy,” Jake told him. “You only get dessert if you eat it all.”
“That’s what my dad says,” Freddy said, “but he gives me dessert anyway.”
“Remind me to have a talk with Daddy,” Audrey laughed, reaching out to ruffle Freddy’s mop of hair.
“Are you close?” Mom asked.
I opened my mouth to tell her to mind her own business, when Audrey nodded and replied, “Freddy’s dad and I are really great friends, yeah. And his wife, Freddy’s Mama, is one of my best girl friends. We’re all family,” she wrapped an arm around Freddy’s shoulders and squeezed, “right, honey?”
Freddy nodded enthusiastically. “Yep.”
“I see,” Mom answered. “Well, that’s great for Freddy, to have you all getting along so well.”
“Oh, absolutely,” Audrey replied. “That’s always been very important to us. But honestly, it’s always come easy. Jason and I have been friends for so many years, I can’t imagine us not getting along.”
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