My mother smiled and dropped the subject by moving onto a discussion about Thanksgiving plans. I never liked Thanksgiving, or the thought of spending time with relatives, but I was trying hard to put myself into a different and more positive mindset. So, I responded to her plan of having our grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins over for dinner with a nod and a “sounds good, Mom.” She then invited Audrey and Freddy to join us, and while it was more likely out of politeness and less of a genuine want to include them, I still felt my chest fill with warmth and a simple sensation of goodness.
After dinner, as Freddy and Jake played with Mickey, and Audrey helped my father in the kitchen, I stopped Mom in the hallway to ask a question.
“Hey, so I was thinking,” I began, keeping my voice low, “if you guys didn’t mind, I’d like to keep Jake at my place all week. Mickey, too.”
She was startled, but then smiled. “I think that’s a good idea.”
“Okay, cool. I’ll pick them up tomorrow night.” I nodded, surprised the conversation had gone so well, so easily. “Anyway, I guess I’m gonna—”
“So, Audrey is still friends with her ex?”
I furrowed my brow. “What?”
A chill settled in her gaze as she shrugged. “I’m just making sure I understood correctly.”
“Yeah,” I nodded, unsure of where she was going with this and unsure of why it mattered. “Yeah, sure, they’re friends. Why?”
“Be careful with that.”
“Be careful with what?”
Mom shrugged again. “I don’t know, Blake. I’m just saying, if she felt enough for him at one point to have a child with him, then there’s always that chance she could still have feelings, right? Especially if they’re such great friends.”
I didn’t know what to say or how to react to the blatant accusation. She had just eaten dinner with this woman and her child. She had shared in conversation and friendly banter. And now, she was passing judgment, while said woman was mere feet away, helping to clean up.
My chest puffed with the urgent need to fight and defend, as I shook my head and crossed my arms. “They’re raising a kid together,” I stated in a flat, firm tone.
“Oh, sure,” she relented with a flippant wave of a hand. “I understand that. But I’m just mentioning, you might want to be on alert, you know? Don’t get so attached right away.”
***
I watched from the car as Audrey dropped Freddy off at his father’s apartment. Jason, Eliza, and Miss Thomas—sorry, Amy—were waiting outside their second-floor walk-up and threw awkward waves in my direction as Audrey handed Freddy’s backpack to Jason. As I returned the friendly gesture with a simple lift of my hand, I thought it probably would’ve been more polite to greet them with words and handshakes, but I wasn’t feeling it. Not after that enraging conversation with my mother, the one that had left me sour and reeling all the way here.
Audrey kissed Freddy’s forehead and I saw her mouth move as she said something. Be a good boy. Remember to behave. Don’t give your dad a hard time. I imagined the things she could’ve said to him. Things I’d remembered my own mother saying to me once upon a time, before she could only say things about what I was doing wrong or the wrong that could be done to me.
Audrey stood and spoke to Jason, as Amy took Freddy inside. They nodded, smiled, and his hand clasped her shoulder before leaning in to kiss her cheek. A red hot, burning ball of fire instantly engulfed my stomach at the sight I could only read now as intimate, and by the time her hand touched the handle on the car door, I was seething with predatory envy.
We drove in silence against a backdrop of Metallica’s “One,” a fitting soundtrack for my sour mood. Any time I glanced her way, all I could imagine were his lips on her cheek and his dick in her mouth. All while aware that, had my mother not mentioned it, I never would’ve given a shit. And the more I drove, the more angry I got, until I knew the night was dead and I should just call it quits before I fought with her over something unbeknownst to her.
“Um …” Audrey looked to me worriedly when I pulled up to her apartment. This wasn’t the plan. We were supposed to be back at my place, away from her neighbors and parents.
“I’m not feeling great,” I lied, unable to meet her eye.
“Oh,” she replied, then turned her gaze back to the house. “Do you want to—”
I shook my head adamantly. “Nah. I should probably just get home.”
I expected a nod and a startled expression of rejection and hurt, maybe a kiss on the cheek. I expected her to leave with the assumption that she might never hear from me again.
But she didn’t leave.
Instead, she reached across the console, laid a hand against my thigh, and said, “Blake, you don’t have to talk to me if you don’t want to, and you don’t have to tell me what’s wrong. But don’t leave. Please. Come inside with me.”
I don’t know how she knew it was my mind that didn’t feel well. How she could see beyond my exterior and into the blackness of my brain, I might never understand. But what I did know was, a month ago, I would’ve ignored her plea. Back then, I would’ve forced myself out of her reach, despite the screaming in my head to be held and cared for. But that was then, this was now. And right now, I swallowed at the hardened lump in my throat and nodded.
My feet felt heavy as she led me to her door, weighed down by a blossom of jealousy and hot rage implanting its roots through my guts. But with her hand wrapped around mine, warm and sweet, I let the negativity begin to dissipate. Just for now, just for tonight, and by the time we reached her door, I had encouraged her purity to abort all the darkness in my mind. The words of my mother seemed far away, shut outside and in the cold, as Audrey’s tight embrace pulled me toward somewhere bright and safe.
Just inside her apartment, she wrapped her arms around my waist and pressed a kiss to the center of my chest. I imagined the vibrations of my heart buzzing against her lips, proof that I was alive, so much more alive with her. I kissed the top of her head and smelled her hair, pulling in the scent and allowing it to push me further toward euphoria.
She slipped her hands from around my waist and tangled her fingers with mine. “Come on,” she whispered, tugging me toward a part of her apartment I’d never ventured in before.
“You mean we’re not sleeping on the couch tonight?” I teased through a rasped throat.
Audrey shook her head, the corners of her lips curling gently in the darkness. “No, not tonight.”
She led me to her bedroom and flipped on the light to reveal a small room with just enough space for her four-poster bed and a dresser. It was cozy and homey. The mattress was covered with a handstitched quilt and a mountain of pillows calling my name, while each of the four posts were draped with scarves, hats, bras, and sweaters. The walls and mirror were littered with pictures and mementos, and the top of the dresser harbored perfume bottles, makeup, and a jewelry chest that couldn’t be closed it was so full. I chuckled adoringly at the room, and Audrey leaned against one of the bed posts, cocking her hip and scowling.
“What’s so funny?”
I shook my head. “Nothing,” I replied honestly, turning in a circle to take in her comfortable little nook. “I just really like your room.”
“Oh, you don’t mind that it’s not a bat cave with black walls and skulls all over the place?”
“No,” I answered. “It feels like you. Black walls would definitely not feel like you.”
“And,” I went on, kicking off my boots and flopping onto the bed from where I stood by the door, “I really like that I can jump onto your bed from the door. Very convenient.”
Audrey laughed, pulling off her sneakers and crawling over the quilt to lay beside me. “I gave Freddy the bigger bedroom. He needs more room than I do, with all his Legos and toys, and all I really need is a bed and a dresser.”
I pointed at the post covered in bras. “No closet?”
She shook her head. “No closet in here. Freddy has
one, but it’s fine, I have this bed. It’s multi-purpose,” she giggled.
I watched her let down her curled, blonde ponytail. Her fingers raked through the golden lengths as she sat up, reaching over to the dresser and pulling a drawer open, to retrieve an oversized t-shirt. She pulled off her cardigan, revealing a silky camisole and smooth skin, and as she draped the sweater on a post, my brow furrowed and my smile faded.
Tugging the t-shirt over her head, she noticed my thoughtful scowl and asked, “What’s wrong?”
“I’ve never met anyone like you before,” I replied honestly, and she laughed softly, laying back to undo her jeans.
“Well, that’s a line,” she muttered sardonically.
“No, it’s really not.” I reached out to brush my fingertips over her smooth, pristine cheek. “I’ve never known anybody so selfless, not even Jake. You do so much with someone else in mind, and that blows me away a little.”
She swallowed against the impact of my words. “I thought you weren’t good at talking about this stuff face-to-face,” she whispered.
“I’m trying to get better at it.”
“You’re pretty selfless, too, you know,” she said, poking at my stomach.
“And that’s another thing I’m trying to get better at.”
Chapter Twenty-Six
“SO, THINGS ARE going well with Audrey,” Dr. Travetti commented. It was impossible to miss the smile stretched across her lips. She was genuinely happy for me, that I had somehow managed to find something so good in my life, and her joy felt nice.
“Yeah.” I nodded, offering her a smile of my own. “At least, I think so, anyway.”
“Blake,” she tipped her chin toward her chest and eyed me compassionately, “you know, it’s okay to admit that something is going well in your life. You don’t need to doubt or downplay everything every single step of the way.”
“I’m not doubting or downplaying,” I insisted, turning my gaze toward the window. “I’m just trying to stay realistic. Things are good, and I like her a lot, but good shit ends. Life gets in the way, people get in the way.”
“What makes you think that something’s going to get in the way of this?”
Scoffing, I shook my head toward the window. “Doc, I’ve only been seeing her for a few weeks. Come on. There’s plenty of opportunity for it all to go to hell. I mean, she’s still friends with her ex. Who knows what’s going to happen there.”
I couldn’t believe I said it. Why had I said it? My stupid fucking mouth had a mind of its own, and I shook my head at my own stupidity as Dr. Travetti uttered a small thoughtful noise. Then came the scratching of her pen against paper.
“I thought you didn’t have a problem with her ex-boyfriend,” she mentioned casually, still scribbling.
“I don’t,” I hurried, turning back to her. “I’m just saying—”
“But why are you just saying? Did something happen?”
I shook my head. “No.”
“Then,” she lifted her hands in an exaggerated shrug, “where did that come from?”
My lungs deflated with a frustrated sigh. “Nowhere,” I huffed. “My mom just mentioned on Saturday that I might wanna watch out for it, that’s all. No big deal. Just … keeping it in mind.”
“Your mom said that?” She watched me studiously, curling a finger over her upper lip. “What exactly did she say?”
“Just, you know,” I shrugged and smacked my hands against my thighs, “that Audrey’s friendly with her ex, and that I should be careful.”
“Does your mother not like Audrey? Does she have reason to believe she isn’t trustworthy?”
“No, she likes her, I think.”
“Then, why would she say something like that? I mean, especially when things between you and Audrey are going so well, or at least I think so.”
I pushed a hand through my hair and leaned into the plush chair. “I don’t know, Doc. Maybe ‘cause she’s my mom and wants to look out for me?”
Dr. Travetti’s lips twisted as her eyes flashed with skepticism. It was only for a second, that dull glimmer of doubt, and I bet she thought I hadn’t caught it. But I did and I questioned it with a deep furrow of my brow.
“What—” I began only to be cut off as she spoke, “Can I ask you a question?”
“Sure.”
She flipped to a new page on her clipboard. “What was your childhood like?”
The snort that came from my nose surprised both of us. “Wow, Doc. Two years into this shit and you’re finally falling back on the standard crap. Maybe I’ve overstayed my welcome.”
Canting her head and nodding, she replied, “Or maybe it’s that two years into this shit has finally brought us here.”
“And where is here?”
“I don’t know,” she said with an irritating tone of innocence. “Maybe it’s the root of your problems, or maybe it’s nothing. I don’t—”
“You think I had a fucked up childhood,” I accused. The tension in my arms increasing as my hands worked to clench and release.
“I didn’t say that,” she insisted firmly. “I’m just curious about what it was like for you as a kid.”
I shrugged, feigning complete nonchalance as my hands smacked the arms of my chair. “My childhood before the accident was fine. Nice house, nice parents. Church every Sunday. You know. Typical bullshit.”
“And after the accident?”
“It was an adjustment,” I replied shortly.
“Well, it couldn’t have been easy for your parents, dealing with Jake.”
I shook my head. “Jake wasn’t a fucking problem. I mean, it was rough for a while, but he wasn’t a problem.”
“Were you a problem?”
“I …” I swallowed and reached forward for my cup of tea from Jolie’s. “I was a bad kid, I guess.”
“Oh, yeah?”
“After the accident, my mom was always pissed at me about something,” I admitted easily, surprised that the words could tumble out without any resistance. “I was a troublemaker, and I guess she’d had enough.”
“A troublemaker, huh?” Dr. Travetti smiled fondly.
“Well, yeah,” I chuckled tightly, forcing myself to nod. “I mean, after all, it was my troublemaking that fucked everything up in the first place.”
Dr. Travetti tipped her head back and studied me with a concerned gaze. “It’s a long time to be carrying the blame for an accident you caused as a child, don’t you think?”
I scoffed and shook my head, but then I wondered about that. Was it too long? Had I really been a troublemaker or such a bad kid? There’d been the accident that had changed it all, yes, and it was unforgiveable, I got that. But don’t all kids have their bad moments? They all have a bad day, they all throw their tantrums, and I didn’t doubt that I had a few of my own under my belt. But I couldn’t remember an incident that ever warranted the title. Bad Kid. Troublemaker.
Except that one.
I kept thinking about it periodically as the weeks went by. Another seed had been planted. It was something else to keep my brain busy while I worked, or tried to sleep alone in my bed. But never while I was with Audrey. Shit never got to me when I was with her, at her place or mine, with Jake and Freddy, or without. As much as I had resisted her pull in the beginning, I gave in to it now and silently begged to be sucked in further, into a place where I felt more and more at home.
By the time Thanksgiving rolled around, she and I had fallen into a routine. Our weekdays were spent grabbing lunch, sometimes with Celia, sometimes without. A few nights a week, we had dinner with Jake and Freddy, and come the weekend, when we were both free of responsibilities, we dated as a couple. Sometimes we went out, had dinner, and went to the poetry club. Other times, we just stayed in, ordered pizza, and spent more time devouring each other than eating food. But those nights were the best of my life, nights when I wrapped my limbs around her body and her skin became an extension of mine. And by the end of November, I actually believed I was
deserving of this. Something good, something to be happy about, and not once did I think I was too bad for her.
“Where’s Audrey today?” Dad asked, as he carved the turkey.
“With her parents,” I answered, lifting the biscuits from the baking pan with a spatula.
“And Freddy?”
“With Jason.” My mother’s speculation about Audrey’s relationship with her ex-boyfriend had so far gone completely unfounded, and a smug grin spread across my face at the fact. I showed her, ha-ha.
Dad nodded, dropping slice after slice of white meat onto Mom’s hideous platter. “Things seem to be going well with the two of you, huh?”
“Yeah,” I admitted easily.
His smile was warm and genuine. Dad had been trying more lately. Audrey seemed to have that effect on him, too. “That’s great, Blake. Really, I’m happy for you. It’s about time you found someone to make you happy, and—”
Mom hurried into the kitchen in a flurry of aggravation with Jake hot on her heels holding his Gremlins DVD. “Jakey, I already told you. We are not putting the TV on right before dinner. It’s not happening, so stop asking.” She turned to pin my gaze with hers. “And I don’t want to hear anything out of you about it, okay? So, don’t even think about it.”
“I didn’t say anything,” I muttered. Then, I looked to Jake and said, “Hey, buddy, Dad’s cutting the turkey, okay? We’re going to eat in just a few minutes. But I promise, right after you’re done, I’ll put Gremlins on.”
Jake clutched the box in his hands, eyeing the turkey Dad was almost finished carving. “You promise?”
“Yeah, I promise.” Then, I laid the spatula down and extended a hand toward him. “Here, I’ll even pinkie swear on it.”
Grinning, Jake wrapped his littlest finger around mine and we shook. “Pinkie swear,” he declared in a bellow and laid the DVD down on the counter before heading into the dining room.
Dad offered a small smile in my direction. “I don’t know what you’ve been doing with him, but it’s like dealing with a whole new Jake.”
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