Warrior Blue

by Kelsey Kingsley

  To anyone else, that hug would’ve appeared as nothing more than an embrace between friends, close friends even. But to us, it was the end of a very long journey, one of anger, disbelief, and a deep-rooted sadness, too heavy to carry alone. It felt like a goodbye, but … maybe it wasn’t. Maybe it was simply the beginning of something else—a friendship, maybe even a family. But for now, we hugged and hugged until Audrey laid her hand against my shoulder, and I found myself laughing as I took a step back. I wrapped an arm around my girlfriend, my savior, and pressed a kiss to her temple, as Vanessa smoothed her hands over her sweater and smiled fondly into my eyes.

  “Well,” she said, “I guess I’ll go say hi to Ann. Is she upstairs?”

  Audrey nodded. “Yeah, you want me to take you up there?”

  Vanessa shook her head. “No, I’m fine. I remember the way.” There was a bittersweet melancholy in her smile as she took Audrey in, standing at my side, and she said, “I wish Sabrina could see you so happy.”

  Audrey’s smile faded as she tightened her arms around my waist. “She does. And after all, none of this would’ve happened in the first place, if it hadn’t been for her.”

  I thought about that all throughout dinner, sitting at a table full of Audrey’s family and friends. I thought about how wrong I’d been all this time, assuming that it was all Audrey’s doing, and her tattoo. Her refusal to leave me alone and her presence in my life ever since. But where it all began, where it truly all began, was with her sister.

  A dying girl who wanted a tattoo of a butterfly.

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  “WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! I don’t think so, mister!” Audrey shouted from the kitchen before racing into the living room.

  Looking up from cutting our Christmas 2.0 ham, I found Jake in the middle of an attempt to get up from the couch on his own. Audrey slid her shoulders beneath his arm, holding him up while coaxing him to sit back down. His leg was still in the cast, with at least another month and a half to go. Jake was dependent in so many ways, ways even he didn’t understand, but mobility had never been one of them. It had easily been the most challenging thing about having him home. In my home.

  I dropped the knife and fork to hurry over to assist Audrey. “Hey, buddy, what do you need?”

  His eyes shifted to Audrey, then back to mine, acting as though he had a secret to tell. She immediately got the gist and smiled at us before returning to the kitchen. Now alone, Jake whispered, “I gotta pee.”

  “Okay,” I said, nodding. “Of course, you just gotta say something.”

  “Audrey said I can’t stand up. I stand up to pee, Blake.”

  “We’ll figure it out,” I told him. We’d been figuring it out for over a week now, and I’d say we were doing pretty good.

  The doctors had given Jake clearance to leave after he’d spent six weeks in the hospital, with him being awake for about half that time. It’d been tough keeping him content there, if you could call it content at all, but my parents and I had managed while taking turns sitting with him. It became a full-time job in itself, albeit a temporary one. The worst part was hearing him talk about Mickey and how excited he was to see him again. Telling Jake that Mickey had passed away, while he was still in the hospital, would have upset him too much, so in a jointed effort to keep him as calm as humanly possible, we’d agreed to keep the painful secret to ourselves until he was home.

  He’d taken the news about as well as I thought he would, and that was after I’d lied to him about how exactly his dog had died. It would’ve destroyed me to have him know he’d unwittingly killed his pet that night. So, instead I had told him Mickey passed away peacefully in his sleep while he was also sleeping. Jake had nodded sagely, absorbing the information before the tears began, and said, “He wanted to try to find me, but he got lost.”

  I had wondered if maybe Jake knew the truth of what’d happened to Mickey and just went along with the story. But that was just one of those things I’d never know, nor did I want to know, so I’d just hugged him and let him cry.

  To soften the blow of losing his dog, we had decided to have a second shot at Christmas, since Jake had missed it the first time around. So, before he came home, I brought out the tree that I’d neglected to put up in December, decorated the house with stuff Audrey picked up on clearance at Target, and on a cold day in mid-January, Audrey and I woke up early to make Christmas dinner. Again.

  Now, after helping Jake to pee and dropping him off in his room to play with Freddy, I headed back into the kitchen to find that gorgeous woman, who I still wasn’t sure I deserved, listening to country music and mashing potatoes. She rocked her hips to the beat, singing along to lyrics about legends and Heaven or something like that.

  “What the hell are we listening to?” I grumbled over her endearingly off-key voice.

  “Kelsea Ballerini,” she answered shortly before continuing to croon and sway.

  “What was wrong with my music?” I challenged, taking purchase against the counter beside her, crossing my arms over my chest and glowering down at the top of her head.

  “Oh, nothing,” she replied innocently with a gentle shrug. “I just wanted to hear this song.”

  “You just don’t like my music,” I accused teasingly.

  Her blue eyes met my smirk. “I never said that.”

  “Really? Then, you won’t mind if I just turn Korn back on?”

  “Um …” Her lips pursed with consideration, and I laughed.

  “It’s fine. You hate my music. That’s cool,” I brushed it off, feigning hurt and hugging my arms around myself.

  “No, it’s just so, um … violent. And that’s not very Christmassy.”

  Lifting my lips in a smile, I shook my head. “Why can’t you just say you hate my music? It won’t hurt my feelings. Believe me, I’ve taken worse.”

  She let go of the potato masher, leaving it in the bowl, and her arms snaked around my waist. “I’ll never use the word hate when talking about you,” she said, resting her chin against my arm. “Even if your music does suck.”

  “Wow,” I uttered on a long exhale, unwinding one of my arms to wrap it around her shoulders. She sighed at my touch and relaxed against my side. “Never’s a really long time. Quite the commitment.”

  “It is,” she agreed, nodding as her lips slowly spread into a grin.

  “I mean, if you’re willing to say something that crazy, maybe you should, I don’t know, consider staying here more often, or uh, leaving some stuff—”

  “Kiefer,” she stopped me with my favorite nickname. “Are you asking me to move in?”

  I shrugged in a noncommittal sort of way and replied, “Well, I mean, I didn’t actually say that, but if you wanted to take it that way …”

  “And Freddy, too?”

  I rolled my eyes to the ceiling and sighed. “No, Audrey. I thought you’d leave him at your apartment alone until he’s ready to go to his dad’s place. Of course, Freddy, too.”

  She nodded slowly and replied in a soft, quiet voice I could barely hear over Chelsea’s twangy singing—or was it Kelsea? “I like that idea.”

  ***

  “We will never host another holiday,” I later warned her through teeth so gritted it was amazing they hadn’t shattered.

  My small house, that Audrey had once described as cute, didn’t feel so cute right now, packed full with more friends and family than I ever realized cared. They had all brought presents for Jake and not an inch of space beneath the tree could be seen. The sight thawed my not-so-frozen heart just a little more, with the realization of just how lucky he really was. Hell, when I really thought about it, we were both lucky. Because despite it all—the accidents, the self-loathing, the proclamations of potential suicide, and the parents who once made their own suffering a higher priority than their kids—we had turned out all right. Jake was loved and so was I. And we deserved every fucking bit of it.

  Still, I was never going to have another massive get together in my house, and
I loudly repeated the sentiment to Audrey.

  “Yes, we will,” she insisted, wrapping her arms around mine and seemingly enjoying this far more than I was. “Look at how happy he is.”

  She was right about that. Jake’s grin outshone every bulb on the tree and could’ve easily been in competition with the sun. He loved all the attention and company, and that alone was enough for me to relent with a sigh.

  With dinner already out of the way and dessert being handled by our mothers, I made the quick decision to slide my arms from Audrey’s grasp to lift my hand. I waved at my father, standing across the room by the front door, and after he caught my waving fingers, his head bobbed with a barely noticeable nod before he slipped out the door.

  I stepped away from my girlfriend to perch on the arm of the couch beside Freddy, who sat beside Jake with his tablet, and I nudged the little boy’s shoulder with my knuckles.

  “Hey, guys,” I said, grabbing their attention.

  “Hi, Blake,” Freddy muttered, looking up from the game he was playing.

  “Blake, Blake, Blake,” Jake chanted, pointing at the screen. “Freddy’s showing me how he plays. He plays real good, right, Freddy? You play real good.”

  “Yep,” Freddy confirmed with a deep nod.

  “Awesome,” I appraised. “But, hey, could you put the game away for a couple minutes? I think it might be time to do presents.”

  Jake’s attention was immediately diverted with a clap of his hands. “Okie dokie!” He reached out toward the pile of gifts, not quite brushing his fingertips against the brightly colored wrapping paper and ribbons from his seat on the couch, and he groaned in frustration. His gaze whipped toward me with a hot demand scorching his eyes. “You told me to tell you when I needed help, like when I have to pee, and I need help right now!”

  A murmured chuckle blanketed the room as I scrubbed a hand over my jaw. “Yeah, I’ll give you a hand in a second. But, uh, before it gets too late, I think my present really needs to come inside first.”

  “What is it?” Jake’s excitement was urgent and contagious, and dammit, I couldn’t help feeling it myself. I’d been waiting over a week for this moment and I could hardly stand how slow my dad was being about bringing it inside.

  But then, I saw his distorted figure behind the door’s glass, and I didn’t have to wait anymore.

  “Okay, listen up, guys,” I said to both my brother and Audrey’s son, “I need you to keep your cool, got it? Don’t get too excited or loud or—”

  The front door opened and Freddy jumped off the couch as he shrieked, “A puppy! Mommy, look! It’s a puppy! A real-life puppy!”

  “I see that,” Audrey said through an unstoppable burst of giggles.

  A sentimental hush laid heavily over the room as the squirming bundle of fluff cowered in my father’s arms for a moment as the excited little boy jumped at his feet. I felt a tightness in my lungs and I realized I hadn’t taken a breath since Dad had stepped inside. It all came out now in an exasperated whoosh, before I turned to look at Jake, to see his reaction and whether or not this was a good thing or if I had just literally ruined Christmas by essentially replacing his beloved friend. Even though that’s not how it’d felt to me, when I had visited the shelter.

  Celia had told me a litter of puppies had just been dropped off and before I realized what I was doing, I was ditching work to check them out. I hadn’t anticipated becoming attached or signing any papers, but within just a few minutes of meeting the little guy, I knew he needed to come home.

  Call it intuition or whatever.

  Jake’s wary eyes were pinned on the puppy—a Border Collie and Labrador mix with the friendliest brown eyes I’d ever seen. His chest lifted and fell with short, shallow bursts of breath before his freshly-shaven chin wrinkled and began to quiver.

  My gaze flitted quickly to find Audrey’s as my heart plummeted straight into my stomach, only to meet the back of her head as she knelt on the floor with Freddy. It was a fleeting moment of selfishness, but dammit, I needed her to turn around and see that I needed her help. I had fucked up. But what else is new?

  But then, in a voice so small and quiet, Jake asked, “Is that puppy really mine, Blake?”

  I turned back to him as my momentary panic startled to settle. “Yeah, buddy. He is. Well, I kinda thought we could all share him—you, me, Audrey, and Freddy—but he’s really yours.”

  “Is he a real good boy?” A tear slipped from his eye and dripped from his chin. “Like Mickey? Like Mickey is in Heaven?”

  I hadn’t planned on getting emotional, but fuck, it was hard not to. “Yeah,” I rasped through a throat too constricted to breathe. “He is.”

  After a long pause and a careful assessment, Jake finally nodded and said, “I wanna hold him now.”

  Dad carried the now-excited puppy over to the couch, sat beside Jake, and passed the little guy into his lap. My breath held still in my lungs as the anticipation of how they’d connect skittered through my veins. I guess I hadn’t quite realized how important this moment would be, and now that I was there, it was almost too intense. Almost too much. I felt like I was waiting forever for that little puppy to tilt his head and stare into the gentle gaze of my weeping brother, overwhelmed with a cocktail of happiness and grief. Then, he hopped up onto his hind legs, resting his forepaws on Jake’s chest, and his tongue lapped out to bathe Jake’s cheeks with kisses, and I relished in the relieved breath that could finally leave my lungs.

  “I think he likes him,” Dad laughed, his eyes flitting toward mine.

  The lump in my throat was burdening and I swallowed hard against it. “Yeah,” I croaked, grinning. “I’d say so.”

  “What are you going to name him, Jakey?” Mom asked, making me aware that she’d been standing nearby, and for how long, I had no idea. When I looked at her, I found her eyes shiny with emotion and her hands clasped to her chest. Her gaze met mine and we shared a smile. She was trying, and so was I. It was the best we could do, and for now, that felt like enough.

  “Blue,” Jake stated assuredly and sputtered with laughter when the puppy licked over his own lips.

  Dad nodded thoughtfully. “Blue, huh?”

  Jake hugged the puppy—Blue—just tight enough and turned to meet my gaze. He smiled softly, his eyes taking on that look I knew so well. His head nodded sagely and said, “Blue for you, Blake. Blue for you. Because you’re better. All better now. Right?”

  My lips pinned between my teeth as I slowly nodded and replied, “Yeah, buddy. All better now.”

  Epilogue

  “THAT’S A LOT of candles,” I muttered to Jake.

  “Because we’re a lot of years old,” he replied simply.

  “You make us sound ancient.”

  “Ancient means old.”

  I laughed, shaking my head. “And you think we’re old?”

  “Older than Freddy,” he pointed out, and with a snort, I replied, “Well, you’re right about that.”

  Audrey hadn’t lied when she said she’d sing to me on my next birthday, though I’m not sure I ever doubted her. It didn’t stop me from wanting to run away though, when the enormous cake was laid in front of us. There had never been another time in my life when this many eyes had been on me, and I wondered if it was at all possible to crawl inside yourself and never come back out.

  “Don’t look so nervous,” she practically scolded me as she lit each of the candles. The flames danced wildly, setting the cake aglow.

  “I don’t look nervous,” I argued. “I look like I wanna get the hell out of here.”

  “You’re going to get through it, and you’re going to be fine,” she insisted with a gentle smile. She finished lighting the candles and gave my shoulder a reassuring squeeze.

  Then, in the only way she knew how, Audrey carried the crowd into an off-key, rousing chorus of Happy Birthday. I cast my gaze downward, away from every set of eyes pinned on my brother and me, and Jake slipped his hand into mine.

  Everyone sa
ng, and I lost myself in a distracting torrent of reflection.

  What a year it had been. I had found myself, found love and a peace I never thought could be unearthed from the rubble of my life. And amidst it all, I had almost lost Jake … again. But he had come back to me, where he belonged, to live with Audrey, Freddy, and me. And for the first time since I was ten, everything felt good.

  Damn near perfect in fact.

  Audrey’s cool hand against mine brought me back to reality, sitting in the renovated Salem Skin, with all of our friends and family surrounding us at the front desk.

  “Make a wish, guys,” she whispered.

  “What should we wish for?” I asked Jake, and he scoffed.

  “We can’t make a wish together, Blake. I make my own and you make your own. But we have to keep it secret. Don’t tell anybody your wish, Blake, or it won’t come true,” he lectured with adamancy.

  “Jeez,” I muttered, shaking my head, taking in all the army of flickering flames. “Okay.”

  Then, I took a deep breath and blew.

  ***

  The cake was eaten and the guests were gone. Cee, Shane, Audrey, and I cleaned up while Jake and Freddy hung out with an episode of Daniel Tiger on the waiting room TV. Then, we all left the shop with hugs and final birthday wishes, all too ready to wind down. At home, Audrey got Freddy settled in his room, freshly furnished and decorated to his liking, while I made sure Jake was set for bed, teeth brushed and face washed. When he was comfortably huddled beneath the blanket with Blue at his side, I eagerly retired to my bedroom, flopping onto the mattress to wait for my girlfriend.

  It was a good day, I reluctantly admitted to myself, allowing the smile to spread slowly across my face. It wasn’t something I’d expected, but throughout the day, I had found myself grinning and thinking about how nice it was to be celebrated. Even to have my parents there, offering a birthday card with a bit of money they knew I didn’t need. But they had wanted to give it to me, they had wanted to show some affection and love with a gift, and I had accepted with a hug.