Submarine

by Joe Dunthorne

  I have no particular plan.

  There is a pause while he reads the note. I hear the front door open and the slow padding of his feet up the stairs. I pull the duvet over my head.

  ‘Andrea?’ He calls from the landing.

  He steps into the doorway.

  The floorboards creak beneath him.

  ‘Hello? Andrea?’

  He can’t even remember my mum’s name.

  ‘Andy?’

  That’s a man’s name.

  He stands beside the bed.

  ‘I thought you get back tomorrow? Whose bag is this?’

  I start to make the sound of a woman sobbing – very authentic.

  I feel his hand rubbing my side through the duvet.

  ‘I thought you were getting back tomorrow?’ He sounds guilty, nervous.

  I crawl into a ball. The Zippo and the meths smell like a petrol station forecourt.

  The mattress tilts as he climbs on to the bed next to me and hugs me through the duvet. I am shuddering.

  ‘What’s up?’ he says.

  His arm reaches round to my belly. I am getting very hot; my head spins slowly. The mattress rises as he stands up.

  He throws the duvet back. I cannot speak for all the saliva. I pull my knees up to my chest.

  He watches me. His chest goes up, down, up, down. I see inside his nostrils. I shut my eyes and focus on breathing. I listen to the blood in my ears and think of a river. I instantly reach a higher meditative state.

  ‘I am not Andrea, I am Oliver Tate.’

  I open my eyes. He is widescreen, filling my vision with pores, teeth and the smell of his breath like compost.

  I think he is on autopilot. His thin hands are on me, pulling at my neck and legs. This is not capoeira. His tongue’s going, blabbing away.

  I keep my eyes closed and concentrate on guessing the weight of my skull.

  Then I have a sense of weightlessness.

  He’s carrying me somewhere. I’m like a baby in his manly arms. He is going to drown me in the bath.

  I am wearing a beauty contest-winner’s sash like a seat belt. It digs into my collarbone. The roaring sound is a waterfall. I lean into the open window; saliva comets from the corner of my mouth, out into the dark. My tongue is a slice of week-old granary bread. He’s taking me somewhere to dump my body. He’s going to feed me to the wild horses that live on Gower. I feel my stomach slosh with booze. I hear no slide guitar. I could easily wet myself.

  Eyes glint in the headlights. At the roadside, rows of contented sheep know absolutely nothing.

  My body spasms. A barrage of vomit moves up my throat and into my mouth. I stick my head out the window. I open my mouth. The vomit has no momentum. It runs down my chin and is whisked off into the night.

  The taste in my mouth of batteries.

  Graham says something. The car slows, then pulls to a stop on the grass at the side of the road. The engine dies. The headlights go off. He’s going to dump my body. I feel my seat belt unclipped. I rest my chin against the base of the window. Graham flicks on the courtesy light. There’s the sound of a door opening. He’s gone to get the shovel. I should really try and run away.

  I search for the handle to open my door. I pull the handle but the door is locked. He’s locked me in. I’m trapped.

  He’s standing on the grass outside my window. He tries the door. It doesn’t budge. He reaches in next to my head and pulls up the lock.

  ‘Watch out,’ he says.

  He pulls the handle again and this time it clicks.

  Leaning into the door as it opens, I fall out on to the wet grass at Graham’s feet. I am not putting up much of a fight.

  He laughs. I think it is an evil laugh.

  ‘Fuck you,’ I say.

  I get on my hands and knees.

  ‘Got any more?’ he asks. Which is usually what the good guys say.

  I feel another surge from my gut, a clench in my throat and the gush of soupy goo. My eyes are soaking wet.

  Graham takes a step back. I hope I have spattered his shoes.

  ‘There you go,’ he says.

  I wait for the spank of a spade on the back of my skull.

  ‘One more,’ he says.

  My shoulders wince as another roaring, full-body vom pulses up my gullet and out.

  ‘Done?’ Graham asks.

  I spit into the grass, wipe my mouth on my sleeve. The smell is like Lucozade and cleaning fluids.

  ‘Done,’ I say.

  I push up on to my knees and watch him through watery eyes. He looks like a ghost.

  ‘I’ve been imagining all the different ways to kill you,’ I tell him.

  He offers me his hand. I hold out my left hand because it has more sicky residue on it. He makes no comment as he helps me to my feet.

  By the time my eyes start to clear, we are driving past the Murco garage in Upper Killay. My head feels less groggy, although the taste in my mouth is still like sucking old pennies.

  I look across at Graham; I am being chauffeured by my nemesis.

  If he’s not going to dump my body then he’s definitely taking me to the police station. He seems calm, in charge.

  I am unable to form any sophisticated arguments.

  ‘Please God don’t take me to the police station,’ I say, paying him a subliminal compliment.

  ‘It’s okay, Oliver, I’m taking you home.’

  I think this must be a metaphor.

  We pass my school, the gates locked, car park empty. I feel some type of emotion.

  ‘I think I would probably have done a similar thing at your age.’

  Graham is talking to me.

  I suddenly remember him carrying me like a baby out to his car. I remember him helping me put my seat belt on.

  We wind down past The Range chip shop, Lloyds Bank, Nash Sports.

  My mouth is still producing a lot of saliva. I swallow it down.

  ‘Are you still going to fuck my mum?’ I ask him.

  ‘I was never going to do that, Oli,’ he says.

  He is driving carefully.

  ‘That is a lie,’ I tell him.

  He doesn’t disagree with me. His mouth turns down at the corners.

  I cut him a deal. ‘You can think about doing it,’ I say, ‘as long as you don’t actually do it.’

  ‘Okay,’ he says. This surprises me.

  We drive past St James’s Church, where he teaches capoeira to my mother.

  He turns on to my road and parks up.

  ‘Okay,’ he says.

  I look at him. He looks at me. Graham and I make the high level of eye contact that you usually see only when a man is proposing to his girlfriend.

  ‘You love your parents a lot,’ he says.

  He is better looking than my father. His scar is actually a really nice feature. There’s a reliability to his body, a sturdiness, like a decent tree.

  ‘You were just protecting them,’ he says.

  I could marry a man like Graham. He’s a provider. I am drunk and sentimental. He speaks truth.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ I say.

  ‘Okay,’ he says.

  He gets out of the car and comes round to my door. He helps me out of the car as though I am the victim of a brutal car crash. My legs are useless and limp.

  He puts my arm around his shoulder and helps me walk along the road; I don’t know where we’re going. He tells me I’m home.

  ‘Come on, son,’ he says, gripping me under my armpits.

  I wish I were his son.

  My feet knock against concrete as he puppets me up the steps, props me up against a green door – my green front door. My legs do their best to stay vertical. I rest my head against the wood. I could easily sleep here. I close my eyes.

  A hand reaches into my jeans pocket. It fumbles around near my penis. I think of Keiron. I asked for this.

  It pulls out my wallet and keys on a chain. It puts the key in the lock but does not turn it. I am chained to my own front door.
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  He tells me that the matter is finished with. It’s all done.

  I tell him that he is wrong, the matter is ongoing.

  He holds my head up by the jaw. He pulls open one of my eyelids with his thumb. He looks directly into the one eye for a long time.

  He says I’m on my last legs. Then he lets go of my skull.

  He tells me to wait while he gets my bag from the car. He is my chauffeur and valet. He asks me if I understand.

  He disappears.

  I turn and look out to sea. There is no Corky.

  I see light around the edges of the curtains in the living room.

  I turn the key in the lock and lean on the door. It swings open with me attached.

  My parents are still up, sitting on the stairs in the half-dark, knees together, each clutching a glass of red wine. The only light comes from a lamp in the living room. They look up, both grinning, as I pull my key from the door and stumble into the hallway.

  ‘There you are,’ Mum says, not sounding worried. ‘We’ve been worried.’

  I peer into the sitting room: on the coffee table stand four empty bottles of wine and three packets of Walkers crisps.

  ‘We had a few drinks to steady our nerves.’ Holiday Dad is here, smiling, his face bright red. His face gets this colour at weddings and births.

  In fact, they are both smiling; they cannot see my expression in the romantic lighting.

  ‘It’s been a very difficult Sunday,’ Mum says. ‘Me and your dad have been fighting and drinking.’

  She lolls her head on to his shoulder.

  I lean on the wall.

  ‘But we’re all sorted out now,’ Dad says.

  ‘Ask me where I’ve been,’ I say.

  ‘We’ve cleared the air,’ he says.

  ‘Graham Whiteland’s house.’

  ‘Oliver?’ Dad says.

  ‘I was delivering the good news about his soon-to-be-conceived child.’

  ‘Oliver – you’re drunk and you’re loud,’ he says, angrily, as if I’ve spoilt the mood.

  Three of his shirt buttons are undone.

  The grating above the coal cellar creaks, boot steps echo in the porch.

  ‘Graham?’ Mum says.

  I know that Graham has come in the door behind me because my father is wearing an entirely different face.

  ‘Oliver, what have you done?’ Dad says. I am disappointed in my father. There are so many cool things he could say: Graham, if you ever put your tree-loving hands on my wife again, I’ll massage your face with my fists.

  ‘It’s okay, it’s okay,’ Graham says. ‘I found Oliver near my house.’

  ‘Oliver! And you’ve been drinking,’ my dad yells drunkenly, which I think is a little hypocritical.

  Mum straightens up. She is wearing make-up. Her hair is in excellent condition.

  ‘Have you driven him back from Port Eynon?’ she asks.

  ‘Listen, look, Oliver’s fine. I’m fine. Here’s his stuff.’

  ‘Oliver, this is not acceptable,’ Dad says. He sounds outraged but also scripted. ‘Graham drove you all that way.’

  ‘It’s nothing,’ Graham says. He is still behind me. I can feel the draft from the open door.

  ‘I’m making coffee,’ Dad says. As if this is of any relevance.

  ‘I broke into his house,’ I say.

  ‘What?’ Dad says, standing up. He is quite a small man, really.

  ‘I drank his teenage brandy,’ I say.

  ‘Graham – did he damage anything?’ Mum asks.

  ‘It’s fine,’ Graham says, sounding tired.

  ‘I smashed his hippy statue. And a window. And I made holes in his hot-water bottle, which is shaped like a heart.’

  I spin around to face Graham. He is framed in the doorway, cowboy style, carrying my rucksack in one hand like a severed head. His mouth is slightly open. He does look tired. He is wearing a black fleece, blue jeans and hiking boots. The hiking boots are also one-inch heels.

  ‘You should buy a new hot-water bottle,’ I say.

  ‘Oliver, what were you thinking?’ Dad says.

  I think my dad has a list of things that are okay for him to say.

  ‘It’s fine,’ Graham says, holding up my knapsack. ‘Look, Oliver, here’s your stuff.’

  ‘I’m making coffee,’ Dad says. ‘The kettle’s just boiled.’

  I take my knapsack.

  ‘I looked through your photo albums,’ I tell Graham.

  ‘There’s coffee,’ Dad says.

  ‘I’m fine,’ Graham says. ‘Look, I’m going to, uh.’ He signals with his thumb pointing over his shoulder.

  ‘I’m getting it,’ Dad says.

  ‘Lloyd,’ Mum says. ‘Graham probably just wants to get off.’

  Nobody makes a joke.

  ‘I found a photo of you and Mum,’ I tell Graham.

  ‘Okay then, coffee,’ Dad says, and I hear him jogging off, almost running, to the kitchen, as if this is an emergency.

  ‘In nineteen seventy-six,’ I say.

  Graham’s not looking at me. He’s looking past me to my mum.

  ‘Look, I’m gonna go,’ Graham says.

  ‘Yah,’ says Mum.

  ‘Oliver’s doing fine,’ he says.

  It is like parents’ evening.

  ‘I know,’ she says.

  My dad is shouting from the kitchen: ‘I’m glad we could talk about this.’

  Me and Graham are doing the eye contact thing again. This is like a date.

  ‘Goodbye, Oliver,’ he says, rather formally.

  ‘Don’t ever, ever come back,’ I say.

  He blinks at this and, okay, I suppose we have a moment.

  Graham bows out, closing the front door gently behind him.

  I taste the acid in my mouth. I turn to face my mum, who is still sat on the bottom step, still holding wine. She’s watching me.

  ‘Your hair was down to here,’ I tell her and I point at the centre of my chest.

  She smiles at me.

  Dad comes slowly back from the kitchen carrying a tray. He is really concentrating, head down, watching three mugs intently. He shuffles his feet along the floor. Each step is a distinct movement. He thinks that if he spills the coffee then his marriage may be over.

  ‘We’re going to have to settle for instant,’ he says, and he looks up triumphantly. He blinks a bit. He looks left and right. He is man of the house by default.

  I feel another surge.

  I bow, twirling my hand, as a fist of vomit moves up my throat, out of my mouth – it is bright red – and on to the linoleum.

  31.8.97

  Word of the day: nullibiety – the state of being nowhere.

  Goodbye, my diary, goodbye.

  A Moon Cup is a plastic, nipple-shaped device. It is only available by mail order from California. A woman puts it in her vagina to catch her menses. When it’s full, she empties it. Mum uses one instead of tampons; she showed it to me. There is no baby.

  My parents helped me be sick in the toilet – I was lion loud. I felt really good afterwards, like I had achieved something. They put me to bed, they undressed me, I didn’t have an erection. They sat at the end of the bed and talked.

  My dad said Mum had told him about the little ‘weewoo’ – he made the wanking signal with his hand – at Llangennith. He said that he had taken it on board. He smiled at my mum; his face was red-wine flush.

  He rubbed my leg through the duvet as he spoke, which I thought was in very bad taste. You can tell that he is in a state of shock. The phrase ‘wee-woo’ signifies his retreat to childhood.

  She said: ‘I’m so sorry, my little pot of clay!’

  She hugged me through the duvet. It reminded me of Graham.

  Then she sang: ‘My boy, my boy.’

  I asked Dad: ‘Aren’t you angry?’

  He claimed that worse things have happened at sea.

  Then, as if for proof, I vomited for the fifth time that evening. A little string-and-bubble af
fair on to my pillow.

  I told them that Jordana had broken up with me.

  My mum kissed me on my neck, my ear, my temple.

  They left a bucket by my bed.

  I couldn’t sleep at first, so I thought about Graham’s house and what could have happened if it wasn’t for my low tolerance to alcohol: the oven preheated to gas mark eight, Graham with an onion in his mouth on the kitchen tiles, his feet and hands tied with string and me, walking in circles around him, making a wonderful speech.

  It would have gone something like this: ‘Ever since my mum rolled up her sleeve, I’ve been wanting to tell you something: my parents are fragile. It must be easy for someone like you to dominate them. My father once tore off his vest but cannot remember why. His weapon is the garlic crusher.’

  I would have rubbed coarse sea salt over Graham’s hairless back and chest while chatting away like a TV chef: ‘Mum’s easy: all it takes is a spliff, a few stubbies, a back rub and she’s yours. She practises capoeira despite having the grace of a crustacean. Why? Because she wants to be near you.’

  Two turns of the pepper mill, one for each eye.

  ‘All I want to say is, look, Graham, fair-dos, you’ve proven yourself physically and mentally superior to both my parents but – and this is really just bad luck – it turns out that they quite like each other, not a huge amount, not passionately, not with violence, but enough to make your efforts worthless.’

  His ears and nose, hairy with rosemary; garlic under his foreskin.

  ‘And you weren’t to know that they would produce such proactive and resourceful offspring. So this, worthy adversary, is it. Chin up. Stay strong. Drive safe.’

  Feeding the olive-oil bottle’s crooked nozzle into Graham’s arsehole. Listening to the glugs.

  I had a dream last night. I knew everything about everyone.

  I understood body language. Chips was there; I noticed he rubs his eyebrow five seconds after telling a lie. Jordana was there too; I learnt the difference between the look that actually means love and the look that a person makes when they are trying to look like they are in love.

  I can’t remember all the things I knew.

  Pow-wow

  I can smell that my parents have made me a special breakfast. My sinuses feel exceptionally clear.

  I find a plate of French toast and bacon, with a bottle of maple syrup waiting alongside.