A Safety Match

by Ian Hay

  CHAPTER NINE.

  A HORSE TO THE WATER.

  "And how is her ladyship?" inquired Mrs Carfrae.

  "Her ladyship," replied Sir John Carr, "is enjoying life. What goodbread-and-butter you always keep."

  They were sitting in Mrs Carfrae's tiny drawing-room in Hill Street.Mrs Carfrae was a little old lady in a wheeled chair. Her face wascomparatively youthful, but her hair was snowy white. She spoke withwhat English people, to whom the pure Highland Scots of Inverness andthe guttural raucousness of Glasgow are as one, term "a Scotchaccent."

  "I am glad you like my bread-and-butter," she said; "but I fancy youget as good at your wife's tea-table."

  "I don't often see my wife's tea-table," confessed Juggernaut. "She isout a good deal, and as a rule it is more convenient for me to have mytea sent into my study."

  "Where you grumble at it, I'll be bound. I ken husbands. So herladyship is out a good deal? Well do I mind the first time I caughther in, the besom! That was nearly three years ago. I am not a payerof calls, as you know; but I felt that I must be the very first togreet your wife, Johnny boy. So the day after I knew you had settledin, I had myself bundled into the carriage, and off I went toGrosvenor Street. I told Maxwell to ring the bell and inquire if herladyship was at home. The door was thrown open immediately--ratherprematurely, in fact. I heard a sound like the cheep of a frightenedmouse, and I saw a grand silk skirt and a pair of ankles scuttering upthe staircase. I knew fine what had happened. I was her first caller:and though the child was sitting in her new drawing-room waiting forme and those like me, her courage had failed at the sound of the bell,and she was galloping up the stair out of the way when the man openedthe door. Poor lassie! I did exactly the same thing at her age."

  "Did you go in?"

  "I did. I was determined to do it. I gripped my crutch and was out ofthe carriage and up the steps before the footman could answer Maxwell.I hobbled past the man--he just gaped at me like a puddock on a hotday--and got to the foot of the stair and looked up. As I expected,there was Madam, hanging over the banisters to see what sort of acaller she had hooked the first time. There was another creaturebeside her, with wild brown hair and eyes like saucers. They wereclutching each other round the waist. When they saw me they gave akind of horrified yelp. But I cried to them to come down, and in tenminutes we were the best of friends. They were terribly prim at first;but when they found out that I was just a clavering old wife andnothing more, they lost their grand manners. They overlaid me withquestions about London, and while I was answering them the saucer-eyedone set to work cracking lumps of sugar with her teeth. The other--herladyship--was eating jam out of an Apostle spoon. The spoon was in hermouth when a footman came in to mend the fire. She was fairly taken bysurprise, and tried to push the whole concern into her mouth until theman should be gone. I thought at first she had swallowed it, butpresently I saw the Apostle sticking out. And that was three yearsago. Well, I have become less active since then, and I pay no morecalls--wheel me a piece nearer the fire, Johnny--so I do not see somuch of her ladyship as I did. Still, I am glad to hear she isenjoying life. And how is the baby?"

  "The baby," replied its male parent, "looks and sounds extremelyrobust. He uttered several articulate words the other day, I am told."

  "Can he walk?"

  "He can lurch along in a slightly dissipated manner."

  "Good! And how does your Daphne handle all these houses and servantsof yours?"

  Sir John smiled.

  "She was a little out of her depth at first," he said. "She had notbeen accustomed to cater for a large household. The extravagance ofordering at least one fresh joint a-day appalled her, and it was along time before the housekeeper could cure her of a passion forshepherd's pie. But she has a shrewd head. She soon discovered whichitems of domestic expenditure were reasonable and which were not. Shehas cut down the bills by a half, but I don't notice any correspondingfalling off in the quality of the _menu_."

  "And does she love fine clothes, and gaiety?"

  "I think she found her maid rather a trial at first. She had been soaccustomed not only to attiring herself but to going round and hookingup her sisters as well, that a woman who handled her like a babyrather paralysed her. She also exhibited a _penchant_ for wearing herold clothes out--to rags, that is--in private. But I think she isgetting over that now. I received her dressmaker's latest bill thismorning. It reveals distinct signs of progress."

  "And I hear she looks just beautiful."

  "She does. I must admit that."

  "_Then_," the old lady raised herself a little in her chair, andsettled her spectacles with her unparalysed hand, "what is thetrouble, Johnny Carr?"

  Juggernaut laid down his tea-cup with a slight clatter.

  "I was not aware," he said curtly, "that there was any trouble."

  Mrs Carfrae surveyed him long and balefully over her spectacles.

  "Johnny Carr," she observed dispassionately, "I have known you eversince you could roar for your bottle, and I have never had anypatience with you either then or since. You are a dour, dreich,thrawn, camstearie creature. You have more money than you can spend,grand health, and a young and beautiful wife. But you are not happy.You come here to tell me so, and when I ask you to begin, you saythere is nothing! Well, _I_ will tell you what the matter is. There issome trouble between you and your Daphne."

  Considerable courage is required to inform a man to his face that allis not well between him and his wife; but courage was a virtue thatElspeth Carfrae had never lacked. Juggernaut experienced no feeling ofresentment or surprise that this old lady should have instantaneouslysized up a situation which he himself had been investigating in agroping and uncertain fashion for nearly three years. Life is a bigbook of problems, and while man is content to work them out figure byfigure, taking nothing for granted which cannot be approved byestablished formulae, woman has an exasperating habit of skippingstraight to the solution in a manner which causes the conscientiousand methodical male to suspect her of peeping at the answers at theend of the book.

  "Perhaps you had not realised that," pursued Mrs Carfrae. "Men are aptto be slow in the uptake," she added indulgently.

  "I fail to see where you get your _data_ from," replied Juggernaut. "Ihave not been particularly communicative on the subject. In fact, Idon't remember telling you a single----"

  Mrs Carfrae subjected him to a withering glare.

  "If all that women knew," she observed frostily, "was what men hadtold them, I wonder how many of us would be able to spell our ownnames. No, laddie, you have told me nothing: that's true enough. But Iknow fine why you came here to-day. You are worried. You and Daphneare getting on splendidly. The match has been a great success. Youhave a son and heir. But--you are not happy; and it is about yourDaphne that you are not happy."

  Juggernaut gazed into the fire.

  "You are right," he said. "I confess that my marriage has not been souplifting as I had hoped. I daresay it is my own fault. As you pointout, I am--well, all the Caledonian adjectives you heaped upon me justnow: all that and a good deal more. I have the reputation of being aharsh man, and I hate it. I hoped, when I married that child, that shewould pull me out of my rigid, undeviating way of life, and broaden mysympathies a little. I looked forward to a little domesticity." Hisdark face coloured slightly. "I may be an ogre, but I have my softside, as you know."

  "None better," said the old lady gently.

  "Well, somehow," continued Juggernaut, "my marriage has not made thedifference to me that I had hoped. We two have had our happy hourstogether, but we don't seem to progress beyond a certain point. We areamiability itself. If I ask Daphne to see to anything about the house,she sees to it; if she asks me to go with her to a tea-fight, I go.But that seems to be about the limit. I can't help thinking thatmarriage would not have survived so long as an institution if therehad been no more behind it than that. I was under the impression thatit made two one. At present we are still two--very decidedly two;and--and----"r />
  "And being you, it just maddens you not to be able to get your money'sworth," said Mrs Carfrae calmly. "Now, John Carr, just listen to me.First of all, have you had any trouble with her?"

  "Trouble?"

  "Yes. Any direct disagreement with her?"

  "Never. Stop--we had one small breeze."

  Mrs Carfrae wagged a forefinger.

  "You have been bullying her, monster!"

  "Heavens, no!"

  "Well, tell me the story."

  "Six months ago," said Juggernaut, "she came to me and asked formoney--much as a child asks for toffee--with a seraphic smile and aningratiating rub up against my chair. I asked her what it was for."

  "Quite wrong!" said Mrs Carfrae promptly.

  "But surely----" began Juggernaut, the man of business up in arms atonce.

  "You should have begun by taking out your cheque-book and saying, 'howmuch?'" continued his admonitress. "Then she would have called you adear, or some such English term of affection, and recognising you asher natural confidant would have told you everything. After that youmight have improved the occasion. As it was, you just put her back up,and she dithered."

  "She did, so far as I understand the expression. But, finding that Iwas firm----"

  "Oh, man, man, how can a great grown creature like you bear to be_firm_--_hard_, you mean, of course--with a wild unbroken lass likethat? Well, go on. You were firm. And what did her poor ladyship sayshe wanted the money for?"

  "For her young cub of a brother," said Juggernaut briefly.

  "A wealthy young wife daring to want to help her own brother!Monstrous!" observed Mrs Carfrae.

  "I think you are unjust to me in this matter. Listen! When I marriedDaphne I was aware that she would want to finance her entire family:in fact, it was one of the inducements to marrying me which I laidbefore her. For that purpose, to save her the embarrassment ofconstantly coming to me for supplies, I settled upon her a privateallowance of--what do you think?"

  "Out with it! No striving after effect with _me_, my man!" was thereply of his unimpressionable audience.

  "I gave her a thousand a year," said Juggernaut.

  "That should have been sufficient," said Mrs Carfrae composedly. "Butdo not be ostentatious about it. You could well afford the money."

  "Well, she had spent most of that year's allowance in six months,"continued Juggernaut, disregarding these gibes--"on her father'scurate, the younger children's education, and so forth--and she wantedmore."

  "What age is this brother?"

  "Twenty, I think. He is up at Cambridge, and wants to get into theArmy as a University candidate. At present he appears to be fillingin his time philandering with a tobacconist's daughter. Thetobacconist's bill for moral and intellectual damage came to fivehundred pounds. Before writing the cheque, I stipulated--"

  "You would!" said the old lady grimly.

  --"That I should be permitted to make a few investigations on my ownbehalf. Young Vereker is a handsome, fascinating rascal, with about asmuch moral fibre as a Yahoo. He was a good deal franker in hisadmissions to me than he had been to his sister--"

  "Ay, I once heard you cross-examining a body," confirmed Mrs Carfrae.

  --"And on the completion of my inquiries I paid the money down on thenail. It was the only thing to do."

  "Did you tell Daphne the whole story?"

  "No. I should hate to dispel her illusions. She loves her brothers andsisters."

  "There is no need to excuse yourself, John Carr. I knew fine that youwould not tell her. Instead, you glowered at her, and read her alecture about extravagance and improvidence. She tried to look primand penitent, but danced down the stair the moment she got the doorshut behind her. Now, mannie, listen to me. This is no light chargeyou have taken on yourself--to rule a wild, shy, impulsive taupie likethat. You cannot contain the like with bit and bridle, mind. I havebeen one myself, and I know. There is just one thing to do. She mustlearn to _love_ you, or the lives of the pair of you will gostramash!"

  Juggernaut's old friend concluded this homily with tremendousemphasis, and there was a long silence. Then the man drew his chair alittle closer.

  "How can I teach her?" he asked humbly. "I have no _finesse_, noattractiveness. Do you think I--I am too old for her?"

  "Old? Toots! I was nineteen when I married on my Andy, and he wasthirty-nine. For the first few years after we married I called him'daddy' to his face. After that I found that I was really old enoughto be the man's mother; so I called him 'sonny.' But that is adigression. I will tell you how to teach her. Do not be monotonous.It's no use just to be a good husband to her: any gowk can be that. Donot let your affection run on in a regular, dutiful stream: have aspate occasionally! Get whirled off your feet by her, and let her seeit. Prepare some unexpected ploy for her. Rush her off to dinesomewhere on the spur of the moment--just your two selves. Stop hersuddenly on the staircase in a half-light, and give her a hug."

  "She'd never stand it!" cried Juggernaut in dismay. "And I could neverdo it," he added apprehensively.

  "You _do_ it, my callant," said Mrs Carfrae with decision, "and she'llstand it right enough! She may tell you not to be foolish, but shewill not make a point of coming down by the back stair in future forall that. And let her see that with you she comes _first_ ineverything. What a crow she will have to herself when she realisesthat a feckless unbusinesslike piece like herself has crept right intothe inmost place in the heart of a man whose gods used to be hard workand hard words and hard knocks! She'll just glory in you!

  "Lastly, do not be discouraged if you have no success to begin with.At all costs you must keep on smiling. A dour, bleak man is no fitcompanion for a young girl who has always lived a sheltered sunnylife. He just withers her. She may last for a while, and do her dutyby him, but in time he'll break her heart. Ay, keep on smiling,Johnny, even if she hurts you. She will hurt you often. Young girlsare like that. It takes time for a woman to realise that a man is justabout twice as sensitive as herself in certain matters, and she willnot make allowances for him at first. But until she does--and shewill, if you give her time--keep on smiling! If you keep on longenough you will get your reward. Make the effort, my man! I have hadto make efforts in my time--"

  "I know that," said Juggernaut.

  --"And the efforts have been the making of _me_. For one thing, I haveacquired a sense of proportion. When we are young and lusty ourknowledge of perspective is so elementary that in our picture of lifeour own Ego fills the foreground to the exclusion of all else; withthis result, that we get no view of the countless interesting andprofitable things that lie behind. My Ego is kept in better orderthese days, I assure you. It gets just a good comfortable place in thepicture and no more. If Elspeth Carfrae stirs from that, or comescreeping too far forward so as to block out other things, she hearsfrom me!"

  "Does she always obey you?" asked Juggernaut.

  "She got far beyond my control once," admitted the old lady. "Imind when my Andy went from me she swelled and swelled until sheblotted out everything--earth, sea, and sky. But she has been backin her place these twenty years, and there she shall bide. There isno great selfish Ego blocking the view now when I sit and look outupon my section of the world. You have no idea how interesting itis to study your friends' troubles instead of your own, John. Thebeauty of it is that you need not worry over them: you just watchthem--unconcernedly."

  The Scots have their own notion of what constitutes an excursion intothe realms of humour, and Juggernaut, knowing this, made no attempt tocontrovert his hostess's last statement.

  "Not that I grudged my Andy," continued the old lady presently. "Nowife worthy of the name could grudge her man to his country when hedied as Andy died. But my only son--that was my own fault, maybe. Iwould not put him into the Army like his father, thinking to keep himsafer that way; and he died of pneumonia at seven-and-twenty, an EastEnd curate. Then my Lintie. But I have no need to be talking of Lintieto you, John Carr. You mind her still, Daphne or no Daphne. The
n"--sheindicated her paralysed shoulder--"this! But I keep on smiling.Perhaps that is why people are so kind to me. Perhaps if I did notsmile they would not seek my company so freely. I suppose they seesomething in me, that they come and listen to me havering. When Ifirst settled down here by myself in this little house many kindpeople called. I never thought to see them twice; but they come againand again. Maybe it is because English people have a notion that theScots tongue is 'so quaint!' They seem to find something exhilaratingin hearing fish called fush. Not that I call it any such thing, butthey think I do. Anyhow, they come. Some of them bring their troubleswith them, and go away without them. When they do that I know that itwas worth while to keep a smiling face all these years. So smileyourself, Johnny Carr! And some day, when your Daphne comes and putsher head on your shoulder and tells you all that is troubling her, youwill know that you have won through. And when that happens come andcall me. I like to hear when my methods succeed."

  "I will remember," said Juggernaut gravely. "Good-bye."

  Mrs Carfrae watched his broad back through the doorway.

  "But I doubt you will both have to be worse before you are better,"she added to herself.

  * * * * *

  An hour later Lady Carr, a radiant vision of glinting hair andrustling skirts, on her way upstairs to dress for dinner, encounteredher husband coming down. There was a half light. Sir John paused.

  "Are you dining anywhere to-night, Daphne?" he said.

  Daphne, her youthful shrewdness uneradicated by three years of adultsociety, replied guardedly--

  "Are you trying to pull my leg? If I say 'No,' will you tell me thatin that case I shall be very hungry by bedtime, or something? Isuppose that old chestnut has just got round to your club. Have youbeen electing Noah an honorary member?"

  "I was about to suggest," said Juggernaut perseveringly, "that weshould go and dine at the Savoy together."

  Daphne dimpled into a delighted smile.

  "You dear! And we might go on somewhere afterwards. What would youlike me to wear?" She preened herself in anticipation.

  "Oh, anything," said Juggernaut absently. He was regarding his wife inan uncertain and embarrassed fashion.

  Suddenly he drew a deep breath, and took a step down towards her.Then, with equal suddenness, he turned on his heel and retiredupstairs rather precipitately in the direction of his dressing-room.

  It was as well that Mrs Carfrae was not present.